To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

@Jasminexx

Why are we not automatically believing her???

Even if we did believe every (contradicting) thing the OP says, it's very, very clear that behaviours are not in the best interests of the children.

@DumplingsAndStew Either. But bear in mind kids were only 3 and 6 when I first left.
What would you have advised if I'd have posted when it first happened?

3 and 6 when it went 50/50 also.

@DumplingsAndStew such as?

[quote Oldat40]@DumplingsAndStew Either. But bear in mind kids were only 3 and 6 when I first left.
What would you have advised if I'd have posted when it first happened?[/quote]
I would have said to leave him, and if you thought the children were at risk, fight him for custody through the legal system. That the courts will analyse all the evidence and make a decision on what is in the best interests of the children.

(Same advice regardless of the age of the children when you left)

@DumplingsAndStew the woman is probably exhausted from the years of stress and mayhem, her life is not in order and she's struggling. Unless you have ever been with someone who is mentally abusive you don't understand the impact and strain it can have on a individual and it sounds like it's still ongoing. All I know is from reading through posts the reposes are disgusting, the is no support what's so ever or any constructive opinions or help. It is nasty, negative viscous and am surprised because we are all women and should be helping each other. When people don't agree that's fine but why people being so nasty about it? Embarrassing behaviour on those acting like right d* heads

[quote Oldat40]@DumplingsAndStew such as?[/quote]
The behaviours that are not in the best interest of the children?

The hatred and bitterness that you continue to carry, and no doubt show your children that you feel towards their father.
Your insistence that he is continuing to be abusive towards you, and the children.
Your insistence that the children are suffering medical conditions because of the situation, although this has just been 'suggested' and not diagnosed as yet.
Continuing to put your children into further situations that you know they are unhappy with (new partner, wedding, new baby), and dismissing their opinions as brain-washing for their father, rather than accepting at the age of 10 and 13 they can have valid viewpoints and life experience of their own.

I believe that your ex husband has done, and continues to do, things that are not putting your sons at the top priority, but it's clear that you also display harmful behaviours towards them too.

@DumplingsAndStew And that is exactly what I am doing. I will have a baby with my fiancé if we decide (bearing in mind we were both in effect childless half of the time) and I will remarry because I won't allow my ex-husband to stop me from moving on because he doesn't like it. He controlled me for long enough. They adore their sister and they want to attend the wedding - the person stopping them is their father.

@DumplingsAndStew how do you know he's not brain washing them? She can't not have a baby because of how her other 2 children feel? It's very clear and simple this woman is still emotionally affected by him, she holds a lot of anger and resentment towards him which from the abuse she has told us about I can see why. However the best thing she can do is wash he rhands of him, have no contact other than for boys and invest her energy and time into her family he is not worth her energy and she has wasted a lot of her energy in him already. To me its sounds like he has done a good job of interfering with her life even after they broke up, the main purpose of a narcissistic person it to break people down and have full control over situations and at the moment that's what he has. Yes maybe for a while she's lost herself and sadly the kids are getting dragged into thi which is awful for them but ultimately I believe it the ex who has caused all of this with his abusive controlling ways which has probably broke her down and changed who is she. @Oldat40 Wash your hands if him, do not bad mouth him to your kids and walk away from him, enjoy your life and build a stronger bond with your kids as the connection has probably broke down somewhat with everything that's happened

@DumplingsAndStew Btw it was a Consultant Psychologist who asked for further assessment re the boys' conditions, not me. Hence why they are being undertaken.

@Jasminexx, op has posted before on many occasions so posters have insight to her background.

@Oldat40, what do you want in your life and from posting here? Genuine question.

My advice, if you were asking, is to self rep or mackenzie friend so that you don't throw more money at this. You seem to really want a house of your own so focus on that. Maybe it's not achievable for a few years as assume you're on MatLeave but have that as your goal.

I don't think you should fight in court if your sons want to live with their Dad, as painful as that is for you, it might hurt them more by putting them through court again. I am talking from experience. My dc struggle to trust their dad who insisted on court despite them clearly stating their views. They were similar ages.

@Jasminexx Thank you so much. He still insists on direct contact at handovers despite it being put in the Order that my parents could collect. Apart from that I don't see him and I try to ignore the goading emails/mesaages etc.

@Techway Thank you. I will await the outcomes of their assessments and then review it from there x

I will remarry because I won't allow my ex-husband to stop me from moving on because he doesn't like it
You remarrying should have nothing, nothing to do with your ex. It's not him stopping you moving on, it's you, you because you still seem to have your ex in mind with everything breath you take.

Why are you even going on about the imaginary scenario of him hurting you? It's irrelevant. He didn't and that's one blessing. The only thing you should wish for is for the damage he is causing your kids to lessen and the oy way you can have any control over this is by letting go of the anger and bitterness.

For all the posters who go on about being nasty to OP. Confronting her Jeremy not about being nasty. OP will continue to hurt until she finally lets go.

Telling her that her ex is evil, that be is abusing her in every way and still controlling her is only fueling the hatred and anger that eats her inside. That's not helping.

I really hope you can move on OP so you can start enjoying fully your new life with tour fiance, new baby and the boys who will move away from you if you don't.

@dontdisturbmenow You are wrong. He DID hurt me and continues to do so.

@dontdisturbmenow your wrong read a lot of the past posts, they are heavily negative with nasty, viscous comments and picking on her, people trying their best to break her down and portray her as a liar. She needs real advice not being told she's this or that and piklcked on. Telling her that her husband is still absuing her the truth however defending a abusive controlling p is undermining and a insult to all the women who have been mentally abused by men. She does need to wash her hands of him and until she does that she will never be free of him. Your right she does news to just focus on herself and her kids and partner. I feel in the greatest respect that op has some issues, issues that we can't help with which has probably been caused by her horrendous relationship with him. Maybe go to counselling to help you move forward. Until op heals she will never give 100% to what she has and her life. People like him always get their karma in the end and believe me kids are not stupid, they will see his true colours at some point and it will be with no hell from you.

@Jasminexx Thank you for your support over what is such a difficult time. I now need to hold on to positivity rather than taking on board all of the negativity that spirals me down.
So...
I've just received a letter from my eldest son's secondary telling me he is again in the Gifted and Talented Programme and has been recognised as one of the highest attaining pupils within his year group.
I must be doing at least something right!
I'm just off to message him a big well done 😊

[quote Jasminexx]**@dontdisturbmenow* your wrong read a lot of the past posts, they are heavily negative with nasty, viscous comments and picking on her, people trying their best to break her down and portray her as a liar. She needs real advice not being told she's this or that and piklcked on. Telling her that her husband is still absuing her the truth however defending a abusive controlling p* is undermining and a insult to all the women who have been mentally abused by men. She does need to wash her hands of him and until she does that she will never be free of him. Your right she does news to just focus on herself and her kids and partner. I feel in the greatest respect that op has some issues, issues that we can't help with which has probably been caused by her horrendous relationship with him. Maybe go to counselling to help you move forward. Until op heals she will never give 100% to what she has and her life. People like him always get their karma in the end and believe me kids are not stupid, they will see his true colours at some point and it will be with no hell from you.[/quote]
But the OP did lie by omission so calling her out is not unreasonable. On this post she didn't mention the new baby or the stepfather swearing at her or any of the other negative things she's mentioned on other posts which would influence poster's opinions. Wishing he had physically hurt her (rather than mentally) is a really messed up way of thinking and wouldn't help the situation. The boys would still be entitled to spend time with their father and they may still want to spend more time away from the toxic bitterness that is OP's house. As PP has said, hurting an adult doesn't mean a person can't see their DC.

@CC2021 "Wishing he had physically hurt her (rather than mentally) is a really messed up way of thinking and wouldn't help the situation" It may or may not be messed up, it is also a very common way for people whoe have been through abuse to feel.
OP: I was physically hurt by my ex partner and it was NOTHING compared to the years of emotional/mental abuse before that. In a way it was a relief because it confirmed to me that I was not mad/over reacting if that makes sense. People who havent been through it cant be epected to understand however.
My only advice to you is to grey rock as much as possible. If he is insisting on hand overs, seeing you in court repeatedly etc then it is very clear that he has failed to move on. WHich is pathetic really. Dont give him the pleasure of seeing a reaction from you. And when you are not personally dealing with him/the problems he causes try not to think about him at all. If that is too hard, maybe set aside 10 minutes a day for feeling cross about it and then put those thoughts away and move on. It isnt a perfect solution, but not letting him rule your life/thoughts is the best revenge.

[quote Oldat40]@Jasminexx Thank you for your support over what is such a difficult time. I now need to hold on to positivity rather than taking on board all of the negativity that spirals me down.
So...
I've just received a letter from my eldest son's secondary telling me he is again in the Gifted and Talented Programme and has been recognised as one of the highest attaining pupils within his year group.
I must be doing at least something right!
I'm just off to message him a big well done 😊[/quote]
Thats great news! Massive congratulations :)

My two cents on the last few pages: it is 100% possible to have great sympathy for everything that OP has been through, while also thinking that at the moment her way of reacting is not helping her to live a happy, healthy life with her children. Dealing with the trauma of the past with a professional might be the best way forward, as it seems that the awful times with the ex is far too big a factor in OP’s current life. Yes some of that is the ex no doubt being a grade A twat today, but a lot of this is also the OP’s reactions, which are ultimately the only thing she can change.

I believe you OP. I believe that your ex was abusive and horrible and cruel to you. I also believe that unfortunately that has to be separated out from the rest of the situation as you have children together and everything now needs to be in their best interest. You’re never going to get even with him, you just need to focus on being happy yourself in your new family unit and accept what you can’t change. This animosity, stress and financial pressure won’t help in creating an environment that the boys will want to live in.

@namitynamechange exat freedom programme sessions women have said that the mental stuff wS the worst, bruises heal, and they only happen while he is there. The stuff he does to your head though never gets a chance to heal if he's currently adding to it aany way that he can and that doesn't have to be huge stuff, just throwing sla few more twigs on the fire.
I've seen it before in relationship that the ex wants to keep on from afar using any way that he can, usually money or the children. And it's all acceptable to outsiders. If you don't understand don't criticise. Yes counselling with someone who understands abuse can be good and hope OP is able to get support that way