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Original poster

To think this is financial abuse/control

372 replies

Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 00:22

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

OP posts:
gobackanddoitproperly · 12/02/2021 07:49

Sorry Purple. My post was meant to quote FloconDeNeige.

"If I was the higher earner with four sports cars on the drive and both my ex-husband and his partner were working ft to pay the rent and make ends meet I would, as a decent parent, make sure my kids as decent a life as possible at BOTH homes."

Nope. Sorry, no 'gotcha' moment there. She quite reasonably expects he should fund his kids. Not her. It's very simple.

CC2021 · 12/02/2021 07:49

She quite reasonably expects he should fund his kids

@gobackanddoitproperly he does. Or did you miss the part he has them 50:50 and pays for all costs when they're with him?

Catchingfire123 · 12/02/2021 07:50

Wouldnt say it’s abuse but it’s definitely control and another way for him to stab the knife in and twist it. Sounds like a prat to me, he should be looking at the bigger picture, try not to bad mouth him in front of the kids and keep to facts. As they get older they will start to realise for themselves what’s going on and will respect you more for it.
No advice really sending hugs!

gobackanddoitproperly · 12/02/2021 07:50

What? Where does she say she wants financial support for the rest of her life? Can you not read?

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:52

@CC2021 But he is abusive to the kids! Would a decent father tell his sons that mum never wanted them, for example? Or that I killed the family dog because I couldn't be bothered to walk it? What about that my fiancé "could" be a paedophile?

OP posts:
FloconDeNeige · 12/02/2021 07:52

@gobackanddoitproperly

🤣 Yep, it absolutely was a ‘gotcha’ moment. You saying it wasn’t doesn’t make it not so!

CC2021 · 12/02/2021 07:54

@gobackanddoitproperly

What? Where does she say she wants financial support for the rest of her life? Can you not read?
My point was he doesn't have to support her until the DC reach adulthood - like I said in my post. Or can you not read now?
PurplePansy05 · 12/02/2021 07:55

Lol that confused me even more. I see, OP, I wasn't sure whether he sued you in family proceedings or otherwise. But I think even in family proceedings there are instsnces where he should be held liable for costs, have you been advised on this? It sounds like he is being vexatious as part of his abuse strategy which might feed into conduct issues maybe? Just a thought. I actually think you did the right thing in being represented, I assume he is and you probably wanted to have an equal footing in such an important matter, that's understandable. It's a really difficult situation, the reason why I mentioned the above is that the only way out that I can think is to try to stop him from unreasonably dragging you into endless proceedings. I am sorry you're going through this 💐

BullOx · 12/02/2021 07:56

What do the kids want to do?

From an outsiders perspective it could seem that the kids want to live with their dad, in more ‘asset rich’ surroundings. Dad is therefore taking it to court to try and win custody.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 07:59

Of course he’s abusive to the kids. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. Family court take a very dim view on it. Once you’ve proved it’s happening that is, which takes time and in turn takes money.

HmmSureJan · 12/02/2021 08:00

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breatheslowandtrust · 12/02/2021 08:02

Sorry you are going through this OP. For your own sanity can you accept that he isn't going to pay you extra money? My DM went through this and 30 years later we as the children have to hear about it like it was yesterday. Yes my df was a selfish bugger but my DM became so bitter and twisted that it really impacted on our relationship. DM went on to marry someone who like your fiance was financially tied to someone else. You need to accept that you and him are on a very low wage and will never have 4 sports cars on the drive.
I'm not sure why you feel hard done by for the 3 of you sharing a bathroom?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/02/2021 08:02

OP you didnt answer my question. He doesmt "share anything" but does he provide clothes & uniform for the children at his house? It is your financial responsibility to provide the standard of living you want for them at your house. Yes it is unpleasant for you that he is much wealthier than you but welcome to the world. Many people are much wealthier than their neighbours and can afford a far better standard of living than them, it doesnt mean they are obliged to provide for them financially, the tax & benefit system already does that part.

He sounds like an arsehole. Particularly claiming the child benefit for one child only to repay it, that's just very pointless - he clearly really does not like you. From your later posts he obviously financially abused you during your marriage etc. But you don't have to pay repeatedly for barristers and drain your resources, and it is up to you to improve your own financial position. Can you access some training and work towards better career prospects? Use the time your children are at Dads to study.

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2021 08:05

You need to look at parental alienation. I think that is perhaps the only way you will get him off your back. If the courts agree that then your kids will get their own representation paid by the system you will not need any.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:06

@ItsJackieWeaverBitch Definitely. Both kids been assessed and suffering from significant attachment issues. Youngest possible PTSD (same as me) and eldest showing traits of Aspergers. It breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:09

@breatheslowandtrust Sorry to hear that. My fiancé isn't tied financially to anyone else but works in social care which isn't brilliantly paid (but I am extremely proud if the difference he makes to the vulnerable adults he supports).

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:10

@LittleOwl153 I agree. Cafcass sadly have done nothing.

OP posts:
Difficultusername · 12/02/2021 08:10

Just want to send Daffodiland support because I think you are getting an unreasonably hard time on this thread. He is clearly attempting to continue manipulating you in the only way he thinks he still can. Is horrible.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:11

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland No. All uniform I have to purchase separately.

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 12/02/2021 08:11

Have a look on the .gov website under legal aid.

You may now be eligible for it, now that you have so little left.

They also list 3 other links inc the CAB.

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/eligibility

breatheslowandtrust · 12/02/2021 08:12

I'm very surprised that the court has ruled 50:50 given that they have attachment issues and possible PTSD.

CC2021 · 12/02/2021 08:14

[quote Oldat40]@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland No. All uniform I have to purchase separately.[/quote]
When you say separately, do you mean you have to provide ALL uniform? The separately bit confused me. What happens when they're at his - do they always wear the uniform you've purchased or do they ever wear uniform he's purchased? What about other clothes, does he ever buy any for his house or do you have to send them with a bag of clothes?

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:14

@breatheslowandtrust These were found relatively recently before we go back to court next month. He will say those issues are my fault, however and how can I prove otherwise?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 12/02/2021 08:16

OP, you need to move on. Your ex husband owes you nothing financially. There are cleat issues and concerns in relation to the care of your boys, that is a different matter.

You're engaged, about to marry someone else. You finances are tied with this person now. The fact that your ex is on a high income and your husband to be isn't is
totally irrelevant.

It's been 7 years, you need to move on from thinking your ex owes you anything.

Theunamedcat · 12/02/2021 08:17

He needs to prove that you are the reason for these issues not just suggest it and everyone believes him

What is his reason for court again?

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