To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow Yes he swore at me and has since apologised. A lot of posters said I was overreacting. It wasn't OK but I do understand he is under a huge amount of stress. He's having to come to terms with a lot of things a man in his 40's shouldn't really be having to face due to his spinal issues. It has affected our closeness sadly and difficult for a man to accept.

@Oldat40 I’m not trying to upset you and I didn’t call him abusive, although I think I stand behind my “toxic” comment judging from the previous thread. Regardless, it doesn’t sound like a great environment for your older kids.

Not saying living with your ex is brilliant either. However for you to claim parental alienation is the only reason they could POSSIBLY want to live there more is delusional.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy Any man who tells their kids their half-sister could be born a "retard" and isn't related to them isn't really a man who sounds like a decent parent tbh.
Oh and he asked the kids to take and send photos of the basics we were buying for baby so they would see I didn't love them.

[quote Oldat40]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy Where have I said my partner is abusive?! Load of crap. I'm leaving the thread now as I need support not slagging off. I won't let anyone tell me my kids should spend more time with an abuser. End of.[/quote]
You don't want them spending time with an "abuser" but are quite content with them spending time with their stepfather who thinks it's acceptable to tell his partner and baby's mother to fuck off?! Righto...

Please go onto to Facebook and have a look at the court said there are plenty of groups who understand the dynamics of your situation. It's soon going to be recognised in law as post separation abuse. It's abuse by proxy the family courts are awful places and not like anyone imagines.

You need to apply for a barring order which means he will have to apply to the court for the leave to apply to the court it's easy done and I think you have more then enough evidence. Please also chat to legal rights of women they can also help.

Good luck

I believe you

@freeingNora Thank you. Not everybody understands the devastation of ongoing abuse over many years and now it's being done through the children.

They don't because it's alien to them this is useful

@freeingNora Thank you, that's really helpful - I can honestly say yes to all of these.
He even stopped the kids and I from seeing my own mum, for example. He couldn't stand her because she is a strong woman and he never liked that. She never saw her grandsons in their first few years and that haunts me to this day.
However, since leaving I have got back my relationship with her and she sees her grandkids very frequently (she's my support bubble). She has been involved with our little girl since day one.
Mum was diagnosed with a serious cancer a while back and I was so bloody relieved that we could be near her. It was harrowing to see her going through all of the treatments, losing all other hair etc, but having the boys around her absolutely kept her going. My middle son in particular adores her and they are very close. He calls her every night before bed when he is here. He is not allowed to call any of us when he is with his dad.
I'm absolutely terrified my ex is going to take them away from her again.

So it's now come out that there are indeed issues on mum's side that could explain why the ex is going through full custody.

This is why these threads are pointless and can actually do more damage than good. Too many posters too quick to take everything written by an emotionally afflicted poster as fully representative of the situation and advising accordingly, whilst turning aggressive towards posters taking a more open-minded view to it.

We will never know your situation OP but that it is complex and that you haven't moved on from your utter hatred of your ex, keeping you in a victim role and seeking revenge, when these feelings are probably themselves doing more harm to your son than the things you are blaming onto your ex.

@dontdisturbmenow Your victim blaming is exactly why I wish I'd stayed until he hit me.

@Oldat40

You have been saying for years that you wish you'd stayed until he hit you.

Firstly, thats a disgusting thing to say, when you know this will be read by women who have been physically abused by men in the past, or are being now.

Secondly, what difference do you think that would make to your current situation? Do you think you'd have gotten a further payout? Do you think your children would pick you over their father? Do you think he'd feel bad and share the things he buys with you?

So you had more ammunitions? So you could take better revenge because you'd had hard evidence? So you would have got what you wanted, full custody of your kids and more money?

If the abuse was as bad as you claim, you should just be proud that you took the step to move on, proud that you kept you head high, fit solace of your own, retrained, work FT.

You should be relieved that you could do all those things of your own accord.

You should be relieved and grateful that you met someone else and have a new family with your boys with you half of the time.

Instead you are still stuck with s ger eating you inside, desperate for revenge, and ultimately keeping yourself under his control by holding on to thinking he still owes you money...after 7 years...after a new family.

How could you possibly be wishing for physical harm that would have left you even more damaged and struggling to recover?

@DumplingsAndStew Here we go then:

Me: My ex-husband has hit me. He has left me with bruises. What shall I do?

Years later you say...?
"Stop acting the victim"
"Let your kids go to dad if that's what they are saying they want."
"You are hurting your children by putting them in the middle."
"Get over it."

Genuinely interested.

You appear so caught up in your anger and bitterness that you seem totally oblivious to the damage that this will do to your kids.

Not undermining the damage he is imposing on them, can't you see that the best you can do to your children is to lease up on what you are doing to them yourself?

Kids of divorced parents are extremely sensitive to the emotional dynamics of their parents and hold them as a weight over their shoulders which crush them down.

You talk about parental alienation on his part. Have you considered that whatever fear they might have of him, if genuine, they rather live in fear than with the constant weight if your anger and bitterness? Of the choices you've made in your life that benefit you but maybe not them, not at this time?

@dontdisturbmenow Would you be able to comment on my above post?

Genuinely interested
I would say that as long as he has never hit them and shows no signs of doing so, what happened between you doesn't have to pay to their relationship.

The point remains that wishing to have been physically abused so that you'd have full custody of the children is certainly not thinking what's best for your children.

What's best for them is to offer them the best environment so that they are fully happy when with you and coping better when with their dad to the point of deciding of their own accord that they'd rather be with you FT.

Shouting parental alienation just because they have both expressed the wish to live with him is so short minded. Even if true, don't you owe your children to do sider that maybe, just naybe it's because of issues within your household that makes them want to be there more?

@dontdisturbmenow I don't believe you. You would honestly put children in the care of a physically violent man? Really?

The courts would. You know it happens all the time. It’s appalling but it happens.

@AnneLovesGilbert Thought you were no longer invested?!!

Doesn't make it right because it happens.

Yes it is appalling.

I don't believe you. You would honestly put children in the care of a physically violent man? Really?
Aman (or woman) can be physically violent towards another adult whilst never showing any such tendencies towards children.

Each case is different and would need investigating.

@dontdisturbmenow I would be very interested to hear other people's honest opinions on this.

Am sorry but women should be supporting each other and not tearing each other down. Someone has come on here expressing clear upset and is clearly going through a hard time and what I am seeing is a lot of you ganging up and saying some disgusting things and acting a disgrace toward this woman. We don't know know this lady but if she had any MH issues such as depression could you Imagine the impact of some of these comments could have on her? I feel like everyone must be blind to see that he is not abusing her, he clearly is. Legally no it does not look like finical bullying but he's doing it because he knows she doesn't have much money and it's way of draining her money, he's trying to hit her where it hurts as in take the children away. He has lost complete Control over this woman a long time ago when she walked away and this is his way of still being able to control the situation. Everyone keeps badgering on about her partner swearing at her! Ffs get over it, she explained the situation, he's apologised and it hasn't happened since we are all human and capable of flipping out at the wrong times. Mental abuse is the worst because people on the outside don't see it! Sorry for the rant but you are all pissing me off a lot of you are acting like a right bunch of b*** Automatically trying to defend her ex and tear her down. Why are we not automatically believing her??? Even so if you don't believe her, leave her to it why are some of you so invested in trying to tear her down, get on with your day. Some of these responses are a absolute joke get a grip

[quote Oldat40]@DumplingsAndStew Here we go then:

Me: My ex-husband has hit me. He has left me with bruises. What shall I do?

Years later you say...?
"Stop acting the victim"
"Let your kids go to dad if that's what they are saying they want."
"You are hurting your children by putting them in the middle."
"Get over it."

Genuinely interested.[/quote]
Do you mean "My ex-husband hit me seven years ago. He left bruises. Since that time seven years ago, he has never hit me again, or shown any risk of hitting our shared children."?