In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

Run for the hills. He is clearly still living his old life in his head, bending over backwards for the ex wife? No he needs to move on and so do you.

And how IS the new life chapter going a year later? Presumably he is now very relaxed, healthy and has a plan for how he is going to move forwards with his life? One that does involve an actual job and a plan of how to survive financially once he has burned through all the capital form the sale of his martial home?

Knowing how things generally pan out I would advise you to get out of this relationship, not necessarily next week but before you waste your early thirties on him. Do you really think you love him so much to give up the chance of children and to potentially support him to boot? You won't be laughing aged 40 with a 55 year old man and no kids. At 30 there's no need to panic so you could enjoy the here and now and see where things lead, but there is enough in your post to make me advise you to run.

Enjoy the relationship yes, but "while it lasts" is complicated.

If you do want a baby (or more than one) then you really want to be trying by 35 at the latest in case of any fertility issues (I had them all!). Work that backwards and think how long it takes to meet someone new etc.

Don't wake up at 35, having stayed with this (no doubt lovely) man, and realise you have made a terrible, terrible mistake...

Love is the last reason to marry anyone.

Where does he currently live?

sounds like too much baggage for your situation. And that's fine.

He left his position without another job to go to
He “burned out” wanted a new start

Oh grow the fuck up. His wife was in a MUCH bigger job than him in the same company and yet she stuck at it. Why? Because that’s what adults do when they have children and responsibilities.

Not this chap.

I'd move on, OP.

It's fair enough to quit your job to start a new chapter in your life, but it doesn't sound like that's what he is doing?

What kind of job is he looking for? Or is he not doing anything at all? He sounds lazy & you'll end up resenting him.

Him not wanting a child and you being undecided is also something you have to take into consideration.

Cracking up at some of the pathetic responses on here! I wonder if the replies would be similar if it was the same story but reverse gender - a man in love with an older woman with kids and an ex husband.

Shoot me now
But I'd think carefully about building a future with a man with children, who doesn't want any more and is still doing the 'how high' jump for his ex wife. You'll always be 4th in the queue. Been there. Give it some thought.

I think the sad thing is that he's enjoyed his 30's, a marriage and children and because he's 15years ahead of you in life that will mean he dictates how you enjoy your 30s if you stay with him. And tbh all this baggage doesn't sound enjoyable, without even mentioning the fact that he is looking to be a massive financial drain. Don't go out with someone who relies on your wage, I've made that mistake (TWICE). You're only giving him a second thought because his wife has set him up with a sweet life, if this was Trev from the estate who didn't want to get a job and pay his ex maintenance for his kids what would you think then?

@Mundaym678

Cracking up at some of the pathetic responses on here! I wonder if the replies would be similar if it was the same story but reverse gender - a man in love with an older woman with kids and an ex husband.

Who quit a job without another to go to and didn’t work for over a year despite not having their kids seven days per week?

Yes, I suspect the answers would be similar.

Honestly run a mile.

If you need any perspective, go to the stepparents board and read a few of the longer threads on the hell of being the third wheel when his ex wife is at the wheel of his life, as the childrens' mother.

If you're young enough to not even have kids of your own yet and he's 15 years older then this all goes double. Just don't. Don't do it. Don't take it on. Your life will be so, so much harder than it needs to be.

The fact that you're 30 not 24 makes it even worse - because really, you need to be thinking now about the long-term and whether you want kids. DON'T waste the next two-three years with someone who, I absolutely assure you, will NOT want more children of his own to complicate things when he has his already. What he will be looking for - and falling over himself to appear as wonderful and twinkly as possible to - is a woman just like you, younger, no ties, easy to please, who can step up as stepmum and bottle-washer to his kids.

Just do not do this.

Agree with others, you should get out now. He has made little to no effort to find a job and is pissing away his capital. That just shows a lack of responsibility and forethought that is deeply deeply unattractive.

If you said you'd never wanted your own children, I'd say fine, go ahead with this. But as you're on the fence and always have been, the no further children thing is an issue.

As for the ex-wife thing - hahahahahahahahaha. Is he really "jumping" for whatever she wants? Or is it a case of the fact that quite frankly, without her organising and planning and managing he wouldn't see his kids... and might have to start paying maintenance. I'm guessing it's far more likely that she insists that he steps up to his responsibilities. And she probably does get on with him just fine because she doesn't have to deal with him in her house, being a drain on her finances and energy anymore. She's probably very clear eyed about him - he's unlikely to be a bad person, she understands and appreciates that he loves his kids but he's not much value as a partner.

Thing is OP, responsible adults with DC (men or women) don't just jack their jobs in because they are "unhappy and burned out". I'm currently unhappy and burned out, as are most people at the moment, but I have to carry on because I have a responsibility to my family.

What if you do have children with him, then you go on maternity leave, or decide to be a SAHM for a while and he then decides he's unhappy and burned out again and leaves his job? You'd be screwed.

@Mundaym678

Cracking up at some of the pathetic responses on here! I wonder if the replies would be similar if it was the same story but reverse gender - a man in love with an older woman with kids and an ex husband.

And out of work. There must be so many women who rely on their husbands financially on this site.

And no, he won't have to pay child maintenance if his dc are with him 50% of the time.

I’d just look at it as a pleasant interlude from life. So it was lucky you were there to save one another from loneliness during a bad time, but it’s time to move on back to your real lives kind of thing.

He doesn’t want more kids. You’ll resent having no kids. You’ll resent having to cajole him even if he does change his mind.

You could end up writing threads about his kids/ex and how much they impinge on your life. You don’t deserve that, but hey don’t deserve that.

It sounds like you have different values re work etc. Always tricky.

You also have been living in an alternative universe.

So just be glad you had it when you did and move on with it as a happy memory.

I'd keep him at arms length for now, it's already too late as you are in love with him. You need to set some higher standards and see how much longer it is before he gets a job. How is he managing to survive? You don't want to be with someone without a job do you?
Also if you do decide you want children what happens then? You'd have to tell him. I was faced with this very situation when I met my DH. He had 2 children from a previous relationship and said he didn't want anymore. I told him this is unfair on me and we talked about it at great length and after 10 years of being together we had a baby. By then his children were a bit older too.

I'm not even trying to say 'yeah stay with him forever,' just acknowledging that these replies are not balanced, you know the guy better than anyone here and a lot of posters are projecting massively.

@MondeoFan

I'd keep him at arms length for now, it's already too late as you are in love with him. You need to set some higher standards and see how much longer it is before he gets a job. How is he managing to survive? You don't want to be with someone without a job do you? Also if you do decide you want children what happens then? You'd have to tell him. I was faced with this very situation when I met my DH. He had 2 children from a previous relationship and said he didn't want anymore. I told him this is unfair on me and we talked about it at great length and after 10 years of being together we had a baby. By then his children were a bit older too.

Wow, he told you from the start that he didn't want kids and you thought you were being treated unfairly??

He may have plans about putting down roots

Like what? He's no job, no realistic prospects of steady employment, and apparently his employment hasn't been steady for a decade, he's rapidly burning through his equity. The only "roots" he'll be putting down are in a crappy rented flat. Unless of course OP and her steady job end up housing him.

He was really unhappy and burned out and wanted to start a new life chapter after his marriage breakdown

Funny how his "new life chapter" looks like bumming around unemployed as long as the money lasts and a much younger girlfriend, isn't it. Apparently working at all makes him "burned out" and he needs nice long cosy stretches of not working to recover.

What's wrong with a rented flat? 😂 Honestly, this thread has brought the snobs crawling from the woodwork.

So he quit his job just after separating so he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance..