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Relationships

In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

567 replies

InLoveAndLost · 09/02/2021 07:30

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

  • The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
  • The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
  • The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.


I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?
OP posts:
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Lumene · 09/02/2021 09:26

This:

This is not a relationship. You’ve effectively been on holiday for the last few months.

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Bluesheep8 · 09/02/2021 09:27

OP, you can do better than a man old enough to be your father

Old enough to be her father?
He's 15 years older! Confused

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wendyleen · 09/02/2021 09:30

He has told you he doesn't want any more children. Accept this and move on if you do. You won't change his mind and will possibly waste years trying to.

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Sssloou · 09/02/2021 09:38

Perhaps his goal is find a financially stable but gullible woman with a house and job to do it for him??

Like he had before with his xW.

And no doubt his relationships before that.

He has targeted you - and the fun, loving stuff is a manipulation - an investment in his next gravy train.

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Aozora13 · 09/02/2021 09:38

It does all sound very nice but I agree with others that it’s not Real World. I spent much of my 20s with a fun but flaky future-faker and while we had some amazing adventures, when it came to boring shit like paying rent and bills and stuff he was an a absolute liability. I’d cut your losses and move on, hard as it might feel.

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unfortunateevents · 09/02/2021 09:39

So he was on the verge of burnout from his admin role (handed to him on a plate) and his marriage breakdown eh? Wonder how his wife with her senior career and marriage breakdown who is continuing to work in her high-flying role feels about that?!

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Sidewalksue · 09/02/2021 09:42

You might not be broody at 30 but be very broody by 35.
If he isn’t earning is he still paying money for his children?
Why isn’t he working just now. Did he just fancy time off. There are office jobs about.
I’d run. You’d end up financially supporting a man child with nothing to show at the end of it.

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Seatime · 09/02/2021 09:46

I agree with above that he was OK for fun but will not meet your needs longterm. The questions to ask yourself are, do l want my own children? Where do l want to be fininancially in 10 years? They are your dreams, don't let anyone derail them.
His children will be dependants for the next 10 years at least. Do you want to raise his kids? Do you want to financially support this man, as he currently has no prospects. He will be 50 years old in 5 years, do you want to be with a 50 year old unemployed man, who also won't give you children?

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FlowersAreBeautiful · 09/02/2021 09:51

Do you know the reason for the split with his ex wife? If it was 'mutual' I'd guess at the information I've given about him that she got fed up with a feckless waste of space. If he found a decent job to support himself and kept his savings safe for when you buy together then I'd maybe keep the relationship going. However you don't want to be a few years down the line wasting your time on someone who doesn't want children (fair enough), wastes his savings, is unemployed etc

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AndAllOurYesterdays · 09/02/2021 09:51

The fact he doesn't want more kids is the biggest factor for me. You are undecided at 30. By staying with him, you are effectively making that decision right now. And it doesn't sound like you are ready to do that. Walk away. I suspect he'd still be there if you realised in a year or two you'd made a mistake.

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Keratinsmooth · 09/02/2021 09:51

For me it would only be the no more DC that would be the deal breaker. He may have plans regards putting down roots and be enjoying spending quality time with you and his DC. If this was a man asking about a woman I’m sure people wouldn’t be piling on in the same way.

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isthismylifenow · 09/02/2021 09:55

Why did their marriage end OP?

I think I would walk away from this. The first alarm bell to me wasn't that he is unemployed right now, but the fact that you have two very different outlooks for the future. Are you willing to forego having children because he is a step ahead of you in his life.

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felineflutter · 09/02/2021 09:57

What stands out for me is a man who has already had children and doesn't want anymore. Typical of divorced/separated men. So he expects you to be his sex toy? Confused

I could not be with someone that point blank said they didn't want children with me in my 30s. How unromantic and distasteful especially as he is so much older than you.

He is a selfish loser sorry. I would be really upset if my DD went out with this man.

Okish for a fling but I would get the hell out now. You sound lovely if a little naive. Please find someone else.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 09:59

Have you met his children?

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prawntoastie · 09/02/2021 10:01

You're 30 this is young and to young to waste your time.
I don't know if I would trust this relationship going forward

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Thebizz · 09/02/2021 10:04

You seem more concerned about him not having a job than he is.

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Sssloou · 09/02/2021 10:05

If you are not sure that you want children and leading a childfree life is an attractive / acceptable option for you - why would you give that up to spend 50% of YOUR time raising SOMEONE ELSES children.

Parenting is hard at the best of times with your own DCs - as others have said read the step mother threads.

50% of your physical time will be raising these children, including holidays, birthdays etc. YOUR home / space will be open and taken over by this family and YOU will be financing it by working full time whilst Disney Dad, cock-lodger experience exploits yet another woman with his intentional charm.

100% agree that he targeted you - someone even 5 years older than you would see him for what he is and he doesn’t want a woman with her own DC because he is too lazy and irresponsible to blend families - he wants a childless energetic naive mug to pick up the slack and to house and run his family.

I vaguely remember your previous posts - go back to them and ask yourself what were you asking then and what has changed FOR YOU since then.

Seems to me that you are not compatible as he has v clear life goals (ie v limited opportunities) that YOU would need to align with. A RS with this man closes doors and makes your life much smaller.

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Cpl415642 · 09/02/2021 10:08

If you think you might want kids and he doesn't want anymore then I would cut your losses before you get in too deep.

Can't see the appeal of an unemployed guy so much older than you, he must be a great shag

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Crappyfridays7 · 09/02/2021 10:09

Honestly, you want to stay with this guy long term? I’d enjoy it for what it is.
Or if you want kids etc at 30 I’m sure you’d meet someone close to your own age without that kind of baggage tbh.

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WaterBottle123 · 09/02/2021 10:10

[quote lollipoprainbow]@WaterBottle123 how is being 15 years older old enough to be her father ?! [/quote]
@lollipoprainbow

Er because he's literally old enough to have fathered her. Not sure how that's confusing.

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TornadoOfSouls · 09/02/2021 10:10

He is 45, has children, and is merrily spending the equity from his house?

Not a good sign!

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PPNC · 09/02/2021 10:11

Oh this is annoying, HE had burnout from work but his ex who does 50% of kids and has a job twice as hard should just crack on and support them and him?

Nope. He’s a waster, walk away.

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HoldontoOneMoreDay · 09/02/2021 10:11

I'm actually not all that worried about him not working, he's just had a major life change, had to leave his job (would you work for your ex?) and then a pandemic hit... he's entitled to some headspace time.

However if you even think you might want children then you MUST take it seriously that he probably doesn't. These two things are incompatible for your future together.

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SixesAndEights · 09/02/2021 10:12

You need to knock this on the head now. You've had a lovely time with him but now you're thinking of the future. An unemployed 45 year old spending money that would be better invested in a property who has 50/50 care of his kids is not really what a career minded, ambitious, professional woman who may want children needs to be burdening herself with.

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Babyboomtastic · 09/02/2021 10:14

I don't see the lack of job as a problem AT ALL at the moment. If he had a job, then realistically he'd either he doing the home working juggle like the rest of us (and I cant see many employers eager to take someone on under those circumstances) or having to take leave to home school. In the last year, he'd have been able to work semi normally from September to Christmas, and that's it. If he can afford it, then concentrating on home schooling is probably more sensible, and I'm sure that any woman who asked about whether to job hunt under those circumstances would be told that.

The kids/ex wife thing is a matter for you really. It's good that they all get on, but obviously that's weird to get used to.

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