In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

[Respectabitch]

What's wrong with a rented flat?

Nothing. The problem is someone who is wasting an asset because he can't be bothered to work. That's the unattractive part.

[Sssloou]

@borntohula

And no, he won't have to pay child maintenance if his dc are with him 50% of the time.

No he won’t have to pay maintenance to his xW with this 50/50 arrangement - but he will have to pay to maintain his children in the 50% of the time he has them.......a home, food, clothes, activities, bills, holidays, books, toys, haircuts etc etc

Or you will...

[KellyanneConway]

He was really unhappy and burned out and wanted to start a new life chapter after his marriage breakdown.

What does this waffle actually mean practically? Let me translate: I couldn't be arsed working any more and without my wife and kids around I can pretend I have no responsibilities and do what ever the hell I feel like e.g. walking, cooking and sleeping with much younger woman who thinks I'm charming and hilarious.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but like some of the other older women who have posted here, I have learned the hard way about falling for this type of man. I really hope you treat the relationship like a fun fling and move on to someone better for you.

[BillMasen]

For all the equality talk on here you’ll get a load of replies basically saying if the man can’t provide then don’t get involved.

I think there’s a lot to be said about having similar work ethics, education and ambition. Only you know if they are aligned or not

[MrsVogon]

@Greenevalley

Spending your house equity at 45 and not working is extremely foolish and doesn't bode well for the future imo.
When his money runs out what then?

This.

I'd dump him.

[Jasmin3Tea]

Don't think it's about equality, I think it's about a parent providing for their kids and a partner not being a financial liability

[borntohula]

@Sssloou presumably he's happy to do that then? A lot of people are out of work at the moment, at least he's not having to rely on UC. I mean what positions would many SAHPs find themselves in should their relationships break down? Would they be getting bashed too?

[Triffid1]

@BillMasen

For all the equality talk on here you’ll get a load of replies basically saying if the man can’t provide then don’t get involved.

I think there’s a lot to be said about having similar work ethics, education and ambition. Only you know if they are aligned or not

No one is asking or suggesting he needs to provide for OP. They're saying it's very worrying that he doesn't seem concerned about how he will provide for HIS children in the future as he's currently blowing through his savings/assets with no apparent worries about what he will do when they're gone. That lack of concern is a very unattractive quality in anyone - man or woman.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@SingingLoud

Have you posted about him before? The unemployed sports coach sounds familiar.

Anyway, flaky as fuck, long term unemployed in his mid 40’s and living off savings.

Of course he loves you, his savings will run out at some point and you’ve already proved you’re the woman for him - a house, a regular income, and most importantly you’re ok with a man who doesn’t work and presumably doesn’t financially support his kids either.

What a catch.

This.

NO man is worth giving up your chance to have kids if you want them, much less a flaky, unemployed loser blowing all his savings to laze around. And no, no 'tbf, he was about to burnout' - what do people in that setting who don't have thousands to spin out do in that setting?

You're thirty. When I was that age, I wouldn't have given a man that age with such baggage and an unemployed flake on top of that the time of day, much less dated him or even considered any sort of future with him at all, especially his 'no more kids'.

Why is your bar so low? Dear god. You have it all just now! Why do you keep apologising for this guy? He quit his job when he has kids to support and set an example for.

And no, I wouldn't carry on keeping it casual because you're already over-invested in this.

I want to shake women I see doing this, they waste their time with utter wasters like this. He's shown his whole life he's workshy. And plus he has baggage and doesn't want more kids, just why would you even go there with him?

FFS.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@KellyanneConway

He was really unhappy and burned out and wanted to start a new life chapter after his marriage breakdown.

What does this waffle actually mean practically? Let me translate: I couldn't be arsed working any more and without my wife and kids around I can pretend I have no responsibilities and do what ever the hell I feel like e.g. walking, cooking and sleeping with much younger woman who thinks I'm charming and hilarious.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but like some of the other older women who have posted here, I have learned the hard way about falling for this type of man. I really hope you treat the relationship like a fun fling and move on to someone better for you.

100%

[apalledandshocked]

[quote InLoveAndLost]@Berthatydfil to be fair I think he was on the verge or burnout with work + his marriage breakdown. Luckily his ex wife is a very high earner so she can easily support herself and the kids (and if needed I guess him too?).

I don't think he quit to avoid paying maintenance as they share the kids 50/50 and she already made 4 times his salary. [/quote]
You think, "if needed" his ex-wife would/should support him???? Thats crazy. She might be a high earner, but if shes any sort of mother she should be prioritising supporting her own children/saving for their future. (And before people say double standards the maintenance the Non-resident parent pays is for the CHILDREN not the mother). In fact, even if she was a millionare that should not be a sufficient excuse for him not to contribute to their upkeep as well by working if possible.

Basically, she is not a charity set up for homeless 45 year old man-children. Neither are you.

[Cpl415642]

@Mundaym678

Cracking up at some of the pathetic responses on here! I wonder if the replies would be similar if it was the same story but reverse gender - a man in love with an older woman with kids and an ex husband.

I'd tell the guy same as I told OP, if you want kids maybe this person is not the one. I'd also question why she quit her job etc. I wouldn't want to date someone unemployed with no real drive to get a new job (especially if they have a 50/50 arrangement), I know some people are happy to bank roll their partners indefinitely (male or female), but I'm certainly not.

[yvanka]

I'd be funny, caring and sexy all the time too if I didn't have a job and was merrily spending my savings as if I had a magic money tree. As he's renting and showing no sense of urgency to buy a house, I assume he just intends to move into yours? What a nice setup for him. You can even cook for his kids when they come round and tidy up after them.

This self-centred and cowardly attitude is not what you need in a partner. What if he gives in and you have a baby, then while you're on maternity leave he gets "burnt out" and quits his job? What will you do?

I would not be able to sleep knowing I relied on this man for anything.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

He had work burnout from a admin job?

He's done well out of his ex wife hadn't he?,half of everything so he currently doesn't have to work.

He doesn't want a job;he's looking for his next meal ticket;thé fact that meal is 15 years younger is a huge bonus.

If you want to be the default parent half of the week to his kids,remove the option to be ever be a mum to your own child and don't mind finically supporting whilst sharing him with a interfering ex wife then go for it.

You can be thé nicest person ever and still be lazy,immature and irresponsible

[bathsh3ba]

This doesn't sound like a good basis for a long term relationship to me. The way I look at is that various things can pose a challenge to a new relationship. If you have a couple of challenges, you can get through them if you work hard at it and both people want to. If you have a lot of challenges, it becomes that much harder and may not be worth the effort.

An age gap of 15 years is one challenge. On its own, it may not pose much of an issue, but add it to other challenges, and it might. Same for a recent divorce and kids. If those are your only issues, it may work, but for you, they are not.

One partner wanting children and the other not, or one wanting the option and one being against is a big one.

So is differing attitudes to work. I know I wouldn't be happy to be with someone who had been unemployed for a year. Even if you can't get your dream job, you take something after that length of time.

Enjoying someone's company and having good sex wouldn't be enough for me to counter the above challenges.

[apalledandshocked]

And while people are arguing it is difficult for a stay at home parent to find a job after seperation well yes, but:

1. He was not a SAHP - he had a job (that his ex seems to have helped him find) so whatever their previous set-up was this was not a "gives up work for 8 years to look after the children and is then shafted" scenario
2. They are currently parenting 50/50 - his ex wife has the children for at least as much time as him and still manages to work
3. All the women I know who seperated from their partners and were left holding the baby worked their arses of trying to get some financial stability. With varying degrees of success because it is hard if you are a lone parent of multiple children below school age but they tried their best, even if they did also have to rely on benefits. Just sitting around applying for a couple of jobs a week is not trying. And most single mothers would do wonders if they "only" had the children 50% of the time.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

"You're only giving him a second thought because his wife has set him up with a sweet life, if this was Trev from the estate who didn't want to get a job and pay his ex maintenance for his kids what would you think then?"

@Jasmin3Tea

I'm howling at this

You're spot on though

[Hailtomyteeth]

A younger, wiser friend taught me the phrase 'not for keeps'. Have your fun and move on.

[o8O8O8o]

I think this man's chief priority will be staying in the orbit of his high earning wife

[SheldonesqueIsUnwell]

You don’t quit a job without having another to go to - pandemic or not - if you have kids to pay for. Unless this was a joint decision with his wife and it was agreed she would pay if he found himself long term unemployed.

You don’t spend equity or savings unless absolutely necessary if unemployed. Does he fritter it? Or don’t you know?

You may not want kids or know about that at the moment. But you might and he has said no. Would he be in a position to support you if you became pregnant? Would he want to?

As for his stories not being funny any more?

Aye I see that.

This one isn’t funny either.

[yvanka]

Dump him and become friends with his ex wife, she sounds awesome.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

[quote InLoveAndLost]@Respectabitch according to him they just grew apart and became incompatible after meeting quite young and spending many years together. He has once made a comment about "his stories suddenly not being funny anymore".

They seem to get on very well now and his ex wife has a new bf who is pretty much the polar opposite of her ex husband as far as I can tell from the outside.[/quote]
No shit. She got the measure of him. What, she found a man who actually believes in working to support his kids? Eureka! Fucking hell, he landed on his feet with you. Must think all his Christmases came at once because again, at 30, any woman with a good enough bar wouldn't have given a 44-year-old with no job and spotty history who quit his job his ex-wife got him and all that baggage the time of day, much less date him.

You've only been with him 6 months.

Get a grip! What is sexy about a total reject like this?

[KriekAndWaffle]

@Kittykat93

A year out of work? Nah. There are still lots of jobs out there.. he could be working. Couldn't be with someone who's lazy and workshy.

This. He sounds lazy. Why did he quit his job without another one to go to?

[Gottalovesummer]

Another voice of caution here.

This man has no job, seemingly no ambition to get another job, no home, is spending what could be a deposit on a future home, prob doesn't want more children.

What does he offer you in the real world?

[NotABridezillaToBe]

I have been in your situation, minus the unemployed part, it just isn’t worth it in the end. Once the glow of the new romance fades you are just stuck with a load of responsibility you didn’t ask for and have no say in. You are young, successful and childless, you really can do better. Plus mine only had the children every other weekend and holidays, I couldn’t have survived 50/50! Please listen to all those that have been there and done that.