In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

[cherriesx3]

Hi OP,

Sorry, i'm normally a you love who you love and romance kind of person but considering how young you still are I think there is far too much going on here.

You are not sure you don't want children - that is a big thing to make a decision on and time is sadly not on women's side in that respect. He has made it clear he doesn't want anymore. This could become a real issue in the future if you decide actually you do want them. And like someone else said, why would you give up the opportunity to have your own but raise his?

Secondly, the relationship with the ex. If you are already insecure and paranoid about it, I can't see that getting any better. If something doesn't sit right or you're getting alarm bells at this early stage listen to them.

And thirdly, the not working thing? yeah I can say fair enough to someone who is putting applications in, but why did he quit his job last year, presumably in a pandemic? has he said why? For me, it's incredibly off putting, especially as you said you have a decent job and will probably end up financing him and his kids once his money runs out.

It's a cliche but love isn't always enough. Here it really isn't.

[felineflutter]

Okish for a fling

Actually I take that back. You have been too generous already. And I agree with PP flakey men like this, actively look for women without children. Believe me you will be doing a lot of the parenting if this relationship continues. So you are not entitled to your own children but have to bring his children up?? His is so selfish OP.

His moral compass is so skewed. He is taking advantage of you. I am also amazed you are falling for this nonsense tbh.

[30scrisis]

I've been in a relationship with a much older man. Honestly, I've found they are generally at a different life stage (obviously there are exceptions to this). As the years went on I could feel him getting older while I was still early-mid thirties and now I'm seeing someone my own age I feel my own age again too. It just has the potential to drag you down. I've found permanent employment during the pandemic too so he really has no excuses. Plus the children thing? If you're not sure then I kinda guarantee you will hit 35, like I did and go arghhhh! I have kids but would like another. My older boyfriend didn't want that.

[FlyNow]

Hmm well the unemployment isn't the red flag for me that it usually would be. Sounds like he has worked his whole life until the last year, that's true for a lot of people at the moment. But the other stuff... I agree with pps. It's a lot of baggage and you just aren't at the same life stage.

[scoobydoo1971]

At your age, I would have suppressed all worries and thought 'nice' man was enough. At 50, I would say run, run, run for those hills. With age should come wisdom. I have just split up with someone who 20 years ago would have been the love of my life, and would have duly broken my heart in time as he has done to countless woman before me. At 50, I have looked at his behaviour, and past actions and the way he speaks about other women...and whispered run for those hills to myself as maturity has taught me to put self protection at the front of the list of priorities. Women are sometimes guilty of overlooking the facts and making too many allowances for men. My friend's tell they can fix their men...not a chance. He is spending his marital settlement...that could go on his kids future, and he isn't actively looking for a job everyday. It reflects his attitude to assets, and how he will treat yours should you marry, and then divorce...when he will want another bunch of money. Even if you stay together, you have a cocklodger in the making who will see you as Mrs Moneybags. I get loads of this at my age, with men hitting on me as I have assets and they are looking for a way back to financial comfort after divorce. You have time for children and if you waste your next decade on this man, you may run out of options for kids by your 40th birthday. I had my last child at 40...I don't recommend leaving it that late. I can only suggest you walk away, and date loads of men when pandemic allows...you do need to kiss plenty of frogs along the way to Charming.

[Respectabitch]

OP says his employment history for the last 10 years is spotty. And I seem to recall from previous threads that he's been sporadically employed or underemployed for most of that period. And apparently an admin job that was effectively a sinecure which he didn't hold for long has left him "burned out". Not a good sign.

OP, if I recall correctly you've made multiple threads about him now but have continued seeing him. I think your instincts and your head are quietly screaming at you that disaster and heartbreak lies ahead. I can see you in 5-7 years, having to manage his stroppy teenagers, always in the wrong and without the authority to really parent, with his ex still all up in your lives (although she sounds fine in herself), him still barely or unemployed, you resentful of having to always pay the bills and seeing the prospect of your own children dwindling by the day.

Don't be that woman. What most of us posting here have learned from bitter life experience, either our own or those close to us, is that "funny" and "good in bed" doesn't go very far when there are bills to pay and chores to do and children to parent and only one of you is stepping up. Love is not enough. Not by a long chalk.

[Respectabitch]

P.S. I would also be prepared to bet that his ex-wife initiated the divorce because she found that "funny and kind and sexy" were not nearly so funny when only one parent was working hard.

[Viviennemary]

I wouldn't want a man w all that baggage whether or not I wanted children of my own. The stories on here about men still controlled by exes is a real eye opener. And add no job into the mix. It really is pretty grim.

[MintyMabel]

No job for a year would be a deal breaker for me.

[InLoveAndLost]

@Respectabitch according to him they just grew apart and became incompatible after meeting quite young and spending many years together. He has once made a comment about "his stories suddenly not being funny anymore".

They seem to get on very well now and his ex wife has a new bf who is pretty much the polar opposite of her ex husband as far as I can tell from the outside.

[InLoveAndLost]

@AnneLovesGilbert

Have you met his children?

No, no discussion about meeting his kids yet. He and his ex wife have only been separated for 18 months so still relatively new for the kids. I don't think the ex wife's new bf has met the kids either.

[InLoveAndLost]

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

I'm actually not all that worried about him not working, he's just had a major life change, had to leave his job (would you work for your ex?) and then a pandemic hit... he's entitled to some headspace time.

However if you even think you might want children then you MUST take it seriously that he probably doesn't. These two things are incompatible for your future together.

Just to clarify, he was not working for his ex. They were employed by the same company in different departments. He quit his job in January 2020 so right before the pandemic hit. Pretty bad timing.

[EarthSight]

You know, I was thinking today of problematic age gaps. I'm sure there are lots of exceptions, but it seems to me like there's an issue with men who chase after or want to be with someone who is 15 years younger than themselves. Why is it so often 15? I just see that number, or close to that number come up so much on these boards. At the age of 45, do you actually want to be with a 60 year old???

If you're open minded about children, I wouldn't invest in someone with so much baggage. I don't care how much time you spend together - I don't think you really know someone until you live with them.

[EarthSight]

Also, you've only been dating 6 months. That's nothing compared to the course of his marital life. Please don't assume you know why the marriage actually failed. There may be things he's ashamed of, or really personal things that he's not telling you.

[Tinacollada]

He sounds like a massive loser

[SixesAndEights]

Just to clarify, he was not working for his ex. They were employed by the same company in different departments. He quit his job in January 2020 so right before the pandemic hit. Pretty bad timing.

A 45 year old man with an inconsistent work history thought it was a good idea to quit a job with nothing to go to?

according to him they just grew apart and became incompatible after meeting quite young and spending many years together. He has once made a comment about "his stories suddenly not being funny anymore".

Yeah, because the funny stories are all he's got and whilst his wife got on and made a success of life, he's pissed about, and finally she'd had enough of him.

[Cpl415642]

Why did he quit his job in Jan 2020?

[Dery]

“‘according to him they just grew apart and became incompatible after meeting quite young and spending many years together. He has once made a comment about "his stories suddenly not being funny anymore’".

Yeah, because the funny stories are all he's got and whilst his wife got on and made a success of life, he's pissed about, and finally she'd had enough of him.”

This, exactly. He lacks substance and his wife got tired of carrying him. Honestly, OP - it’s no surprise he’s gone for someone 15 years his junior. Women his age would just be calling bullshit. You’ve got your head screwed on. You’ve recognised the red flags. This man is for fun times only. Just don’t waste too much time with him and miss your chance of children with someone really sorted.

[bourbonne]

@Keratinsmooth

For me it would only be the no more DC that would be the deal breaker. He may have plans regards putting down roots and be enjoying spending quality time with you and his DC. If this was a man asking about a woman I’m sure people wouldn’t be piling on in the same way.

I agree with this. I think you came here for frank advice and got it, which is great, and I also imagine it might sting quite a bit to hear the man you love, and the relationship that's brought you joy, talked about like it's a meaningless scam. It may simply be that your lives are on different paths, or different points on the same path. Best wishes with this.

[Palavah]

If he quit his job in Jan 2020 what was his plan then? He's had a year, and cash, to take a breather and plan how he's going tk support himself (and his children) for the next 40-50 years and it sounds as though he's done nothing. That would make my fanny clamp shut.

Of course his jokes stopped being funny - it's exhausting keeping everything going when your husband is playing the clown rather than pulling his weight.

Of course he's been lovely - he's had all the time in the world to be relaxed and find recipes and curate netflix watchlists and plan how to charm you.

Appreciate what you got out of this but ask yourself if you want to be in the same position in 10 years, but with his kids in the house half the time and you supporting everyone financially.

[InLoveAndLost]

@Cpl415642

Why did he quit his job in Jan 2020?

He was really unhappy and burned out and wanted to start a new life chapter after his marriage breakdown.

[Sssloou]

He quit his job in January 2020 so right before the pandemic hit. Pretty bad timing.

The timing is irrelevant.

“Pretty bad” - is enough.

He has two children and dropped (a basic job) without another to go to?

V selfish IMHO.

He has no intention of providing for HIS children.

He is pissing away the payoff from his x martial home. Is he planning to put a secure roof over their heads or piss it all away so his xW or you do that instead.

What’s your RS history and what was your upbringing like?

Were you encouraged to emotionally express yourself - or did you have to tow the line?

It seems that you have deep reservations in you gut but you are trying to JADE him and your incompatible reality?

Why?

[furrybean]

Ultimately your decision to not have children shouldn’t be based on someone else’s decision not to have anymore! New relationships are always fun and nothing beats that rush of oxytocin we get from new love BUT at some point we fall from the clouds and then what are you left with? An ex wife, children, unemployment and no direction. Enjoy it now for what it is as you can’t date or meet new people at the moment anyway then reassess the situation again in a few months time.

[honeysuckle21]

Not one to settle down with if you would like kids and for a man to just quit a job at his age without securing another is worrying, you wouldn't want to provide for a man who has chosen to leave a job even if he has money from his house to live on it's not the most sensible thing to do.
You are not worrying for nothing, listen to your gut feeling.

[whatizthis]

I’m sure you’re lovely but he will be with you partly because a woman his own age would see right through him.

Absolutely this.