DH choked 10yo

[wayfarer46]

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

OP you absolutely did the right thing. Don’t back done now.

Your DH being kind and gentle in between violent outbursts is more damaging for your son, not less. It also suggests that he was quite out of control rather than having different standards for physical violence.

Even if he hadn’t put his hands on your son’s neck, he followed him when he was distressed, taunting him, name calling, and escalating the child’s pain. This is awful and your son needs to be protected from it.

Block and focus on mending your child.

You didn't blow it out of proportion. Your son needs you to protect him.

I'm so sorry for you op...that is not acceptable if it was 1 second or 10 seconds doesn't matter your dh is 100% in the wrong. Every single parent will admit to loosing their temper but my god put their hands around their neck or calling their child nasty names? Thats a step too far and potentially a danger to your son.

However your son seems to be troubled ..its not normal behaviour for a child to try throttle his dad...something has happened that he has uncontrolled anger about and your first thing must be to get your son counselling to figure out this anger before it starts impacting aspects of his life or he grows up to believe his dads behaviour is normal.and starts replicating this as an adult

Just imagine for a second how DS felt in that moment. Belittled and terrified. Don't forget that when you are wavering.

When people are abused they have three choices: fight, flight freeze. Some therapists posit that they disappear in that order. Children try fight (DS trying to fight back) then the abuser shows them that won't work. The child tries to run away, which DS did, your H followed his. So both of those are out. DS is left with freeze. That's all he has.

Please make sure his 'fight' was worth something.

It doesn't matter if he's been a perfect father in every single way for the past ten years. What he did was so utterly and completely unacceptable.

Does he behaves like that to other adults at work and in his social life? Mental health and anger management and so on only work as an excuse when the person can never control themselves. If they manage to not assault people in shops, garages, restaurants and work then they are plain old abusers.

Never ever ever go back. He could have killed him. He has certainly done terrible damage.

You did the right thing. Nothing could ever excuse what your ex did to your son. Imagine being 10-years old and being overpowered and choked by an adult? I can't imagine anything more terrifying. Your ex is a thug and a bully and you're well rid of him. I hope your son is getting therapy and support.

Also, even if the physical violence hadn't happened, it's worrying enough that your son was hyperventilating and crying out of fear of his father's rage just because he turned off a light... far too much for a kid to deal with.

Poor Luke Batty’s name spring to mind when I read this. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things to protect your son and you are so right that your son will question things more in the teen years, which will add fuel to the out of control fire that is your husband.

initial thought-why calling him DH.got to the action you(absolutely shoulda took).scrolling back for rest..
oh,
wake up.please. "when not having outburst"...thats all the back up you need.
depends what told gp as to how pleased should be bout meds. also-if actually takes them.
no pressure choking after issuing advisory show how to do it? you dont call ANYONE a retard.whether making a point or not
you may have good times memories, ..nothing in any of them equates to...this.
having pretty much crawled away from a dv life,hasnt left me unbiased. i cant wear necklaces,t shirts ,scarfs cos auto-panic.i was(so lucky?)he choked me to point i was floating from pitch dark to stunning light..i think i evenn peed a little-but he was cpr trained , called a mate to collect him THEN resusd.
sorry is bad nuf,contort into YOUR FAULT is ridiculous.
stick to right.

Did you wonder why your son seemed so ready to put his hands round his father's neck? Has he seen/experienced something he shouldn't have?

Honestly your son comes first, don't compound the damage by letting access unless you have no choice...

Jesus Christ. No. You cannot let him near your son. What a madman. Very disturbing, and I am so sorry that this evil man has shown his real colours.

You definitely did the right thing!

Please keep reminding yourself why you reacted as you did.
You knew instantly that your child was in danger and you acted protectively - and correctly.
Don't second guess yourself.
Don't make excuses for him.
Don't say well, despite the horrific thing he did, he used to be lovely.
Please stay strong, for your child and yourself.
I do know this is really hard atm.

@tolerable I'm so sorry you've been through such horror. I really wish you strength.

He flew into a rage because your DS turned off a light.

Think about it. There's nothing normal about that. I do not know anyone who has even nearly got into a rage about something so trivial. Its nuts and dangerous, abusive and controlling. Stop at that. With or without the violence and choking. He's a very dangerous man.

Get him away from your children and keep him away. Use everything in your power.

On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard"

You did the right thing just based on this stuff, even without the choking bit.

The fact that he is not taking full responsibility for his actions, is downplaying what he did and is blaming you for his very deserved consequences should be more than enough proof that you absolutely did the right thing. He has got meds because he thinks it will make him look better. If he was truly remorseful and repentant he would be choosing to do all the things you asked of him without you having to tell him to do them. He would be falling over himself sorting the help, anger management, parenting classes, therapy etc, begging for forgiveness, and taking complete responsibility rather than laying blame on you and saying you blew things out of proportion.
Do not let him gaslight you or diminish your sons feelings of absolute powerlessness and fear he must of felt due to your husband actions. And also please know that the thing that will comfort him the most when he relives what his dad did to him over and over again in his head was that his mum protected him and did everything to keep him safe. You are rocking this op.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. There’s really no coming back from choking a child. The most he can hope for is that after doing a lot of work on himself, he can have supervised visits.

You didn't blow it out of proportion. What he did was unforgivable.

Also, everytime you think of the good times and you are tempted to relent, please just remind yourself of the fact that if you went back to him he would do this again. Maybe not for weeks or even months, but trust me, he would attack your son again eventually. And next time he might not stop so quickly. Keep that in mind.

I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time

Same as most perpetrators of domestic violence really. Lovely most of the time. And then they kill you

i guess many serial murderers/ rapists may act like regular guys, in between their special activities.
walk the dog. return library books. clock on and off at work. banter with the sales clerk. jump start a neighbour's car...

Noone normal flies into a range because someone turns off a light. No decent parent or anyone flies into a rage because his child turns off a light. And no parent chases and bullies and is physically and verbally abusive to their defenseless 10 year old child. When you see your child upset and crying, natural reaction of any parent, or any human is to comfort and not fling insults and then trying to strangle.

Your husband is dangerous. And yes, you don't want him any where near your son when he becomes an unreasonable teenager (teens test the most calm and devoted of parents).

I am struggling to understand why you love your husband and why the love is not diminishing, if not gone. Idk if the violence was a first. But I’m sure the rest was not.

Getting angry over turning off a light is so not normal. You clearly feared what your husband was going to say, perhaps do to your child. This is why you tried to get him to go away. This is not normal. Your child was in danger and you knew it.

All I can think is that you’ve got serious boundary issues yourself. If you can afford it, I would pay for private therapy to work through your feelings. I suspect a lot of will be your husband’s mind games. He’s playing mind games with you right now. A decent therapist will be able to unpick this for you.

Strangling is a red flag for abusive behaviour. Please find a way out of loving a man, who proves himself so dangerous. One day he could kill your child.

There is no remorse, only blame. Blame that you didn’t keep quiet and rebelled against him. Right now he’s sewing doubt in your mind and trying to put you back in your place.

Has he been violent with you?

Seriously, your poor son must have been terrified. Certainly, until his temper is managed, hubby should not be trusted around well, either of you. Was there a problem with simply asking the kid to turn the light back on? Sorry that this happened to both of you.