DH choked 10yo

[wayfarer46]

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

Jesus, you are coming on here for someone to tell you "yes, go back to him...you overreacted" ??? He strangled your child. And if your child is 10, this behaviour from your DH isn't new is it? Be a Mother, FFS.

We shouldn’t use ‘culture’ as an acceptable excuse for violence.

Op
I think your lines have become blurred.

It doesn't matter how long your husband's hands were around your son's throat.

Him flying into a rage is enough for you to protect your child to the max

Him belittling your child is enough

Him having anger issues is enough.

The strangling thing is just a giant cherry on the whole shitty cake

I suffered from domestic abuse as a child. No one really intervened or did anything to stop it. As an adult I struggle to set boundaries because I didn't know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, as a result I went on to have many abusive relationships. You have 100% done the right thing

No, my child wouldn't try and strangle his dad. But if he did he would need to learn that if it's fine for him to do something to someone else, it's also fine in return.

OP's 10 year old put his hands around his dad's neck from pure fear, the last thing he needed was 'teaching a lesson' in the form of a grown man strangling him.

You did the right thing. Never, ever, ever go back.

@Mrgrinch I find your position on this utterly unfathomable and deeply disturbing.

What does your son say about whether there was pressure on his neck?

OP you absolutely did the right thing.
Being a mum myself and having been a victim of emotional and fysical abuse myself as a child, I’m very happy for your DS that he has a mum like you. My mother witnessed how my father would abuse me and did nothing. Sometimes she would say stuff like ‘this isn’t normal’ or advice me to hide precious belongings so my father couldn’t destroy them but that was it. I don’t know which parent I resent the most tbh. Don’t let your poor DS go back to that abuser. He’ll never feel safe again and he won’t be, because his father is dangerous. If someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. You have seen everything you need to know. Please protect your boy.

You've done the right thing. The only mistake you're making is planning on letting this man back into your child's life in the future.

@Scautish

You did the right thing. Never, ever, ever go back.

@Mrgrinch I find your position on this utterly unfathomable and deeply disturbing.

Okay. I find it unfathomable to send children into the world completely unprepared.

1 second or 10 seconds doesn't matter your dh is 100% in the wrong.

This.

Your DS may not have been physically hurt, but he will have been terrified. My dad did this to my sister once, and other "I''m stronger than you, so you do what I say" things to me - it is very, very scary and 60 years later I still can't get my breath when I think about it.

It also sends the wrong message that "Might is right". You don't want your son growing up with that attitude to women or his own children. Or to anyone, for that matter.

Have you read about trauma bonds OP? You might find it useful to have a look. Love can indeed end in a second but trauma bonds are stronger than this.

@VettiyaIruken

Mrgrinch, so your husband would fly into a rage, terrify your child into hysteria, follow him when he tried to escape, and when your child was cornered and so terrified he tried to fight off his dad (something he would have known was futile due to the size difference so was clearly a desperate act due to fear) and your husband would strangle your son in return and you are telling us that this is normal, acceptable and encouraged in Gypsy culture? That's rather worrying.

It's bliddy heartbreaking, isn't it?

Children should not be subjected to this abuse.

I see DS went to choke first... is this behaviour he’s witnessed before?

If he has are you getting help OP?

Well done on throwing the bastard out. You sound like a great mum, you’re keeping your son safe. Your ex’s inability to accept the seriousness of his actions makes this all the more shocking.

@Mrgrinch you don’t deserve kids wtf.

I’ve lasted thirty years in the ‘real world’ without anyone attacking me, my mum has lasted sixty. But yeah normalise abuse and violence because that happens in the real world every day.

You job here isn't to be objective, its to protect your son.

you are telling us that this is normal, acceptable and encouraged in Gypsy culture?

It's not. My gran booted her husband out the minute he raised a hand to one of their kids. It's not a gypsy thing, it's a bad parent thing.

Okay. I find it unfathomable to send children into the world completely unprepared.

Unprepared for what? The violence they will experience? Well interestingly my DP has gone through life never having had a fight or experiencing violence from any source, male or female. The only violence I’ve experienced is from a school bully and my Dad shoved me once (funnily enough I still remember this). So nope, not inevitable.

What’s more likely is if you’re used to settling arguments using your fists then you’re more likely to go for that option every time and the cycle is perpetuated, which is how these things become cultural. It’s essentially learned behaviour and it’s generational.

Clearly people cannot understand that different cultures exist. Oh well.

My father came from the Mrgrinch school of parenting. I've spent most of my adult life in therapy trying to undo the damage.

@KnobblyWand

you are telling us that this is normal, acceptable and encouraged in Gypsy culture?

It's not. My gran booted her husband out the minute he raised a hand to one of their kids. It's not a gypsy thing, it's a bad parent thing.

I know. I also note that Grinch has not responded to any post that lays out the entire situation start to finish and asks if she thinks it's still ok.

Make of that what you will...

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time. She's done exactly the right things to protect her son and just wants some reassurance because it's hard.

I get it. I ended my marriage to my abusive husband. He'd abused me in every possible way for years. I had threads about it on here where posters were horrified. Even in those threads, I was saying that I thought he was a good man who just needed to understand that certain of his actions were affecting me so badly. I loved him. I cried when I made the decision to divorce him. It's not a light switch that suddenly goes off but more like turning an oil tanker.

The OP has also had a terrifying experience (probably several as she says the anger has been a long-term issue) and is trying to square that with her other feelings about her husband. That isn't stopping her from doing the right thing and putting her son first.

Well done OP Please do get counselling for yourself and your son.

Clearly people cannot understand that different cultures exist.

Stop assuming you're the only person from your culture on the internet.

Child abuse is child abuse whatever the culture.

-clear people cannot understand that difference cultures exist-

We can understand it, we just don’t agree with cultures that support child abuse.

A fully grown adult attacking a child, child marriage, fgm, paedophilia, revenge crimes are all widely accepted and the norm in certain cultures. It doesn’t mean we agree with it or it is right.