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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choked 10yo

181 replies

wayfarer46 · 04/02/2021 01:33

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 04/02/2021 08:51

@Mrgrinch

Clearly people cannot understand that different cultures exist. Oh well.
Whereas you cannot understand that multiculturalism and child abuse are very distinctly different things. I know, it's a toughie.
justanotherneighinparadise · 04/02/2021 08:57

No, sorry, you don’t get to grab the ‘culture’ card out of the Top Trumps deck and then waltz off the thread inferring that anyone who disagrees are bigots.

Take a long hard look at your own family, your own community and then decide if you think certain behaviours are advantageous or perpetuating a negative cycle of aggression and violence. I’m not living in your situation, only you can really analyse your life experiences. If you really think that paternal aggression has prepared your children better for the ‘real world’ than live, forgiveness and compassion then you need to relook at what your real world looks like. Perhaps there’s something wrong there and perhaps it needs your attention.

BabyBee93 · 04/02/2021 09:01

OP I really feel for you. How awfully sad for your son. Please don't look back and stick to your guns with your husband( STBXH I hope), he sounds a nasty piece of work and your son doesn't deserve to grow up like that. Strangling a 10 year old child is abuse.

As for previous posters suggesting it's perfectly alright to strangle a child...sorry but that's quite outrageous. You don't teach children how to handle their emotions by strangling them, that's a total power play. Shocking behaviour to defend.

Please stay strong OP and think about your poor boy stuck in the middle of this Thanks

Cheeeeislifenow · 04/02/2021 09:06

@mrsgrinch stop claiming violence is "culture". Culture is music, dance, song, tradition not strangling children. Your view is fucked up.

Op stay strong and get some counseling for yourself to reaffirm those boundaries.

Santaiscovidfree · 04/02/2021 09:12

Op I hope your ds is never ever alone with that twat again....

Mrgrinch · 04/02/2021 09:13

[quote Cheeeeislifenow]@mrsgrinch stop claiming violence is "culture". Culture is music, dance, song, tradition not strangling children. Your view is fucked up.

Op stay strong and get some counseling for yourself to reaffirm those boundaries.[/quote]
Fighting is a very big part of our culture actually.

IcedLimes · 04/02/2021 09:17

How your dh behaved is appalling. Unfortunately for your son to try and choke your dh means he has already been damaged by his behaviour as that isn't normal. You did the right thing getting out

SummerBlondey · 04/02/2021 09:26

He's a shit Dad. Protect your son.

Cheeeeislifenow · 04/02/2021 09:28

@mrsgrinch

Two grown adults choosing to fight one another is not the same as abusive parenting.
You do a disservice to all of the traveller groups who are fighting for to protect your actual culture and heritage.

Stop normalising abuse.

ThelmaNotLouise · 04/02/2021 09:33

I find it unfathomable to send children into the world completely unprepared.

So adults throttling their hysterical children is getting them prepared for the wider world? What utter bollocks. Either you are a troll who enjoys derailing a thread by winding everyone up, or you are someone who has a very warped idea about how to raise kids, Grinch. For your children's sake I hope it's the former.

Itstimetoquit · 04/02/2021 09:34

Omg I'm sorry op,it makes me wonder what would have happened if u wasn't there! Concentrate on you and your son,you both deserve better xx

Santaiscovidfree · 04/02/2021 09:40

At 7 and 10 my dc were not allowed contact with my ex for being abusive towards me and dc (not physical). You have a chance of a judge agreeing he should be kept away from his df also.
Try and make that happen op.. Courts are so behind atm your ds will be heard by the time it gets to court.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/02/2021 09:46

@Mrgrinch

Clearly people cannot understand that different cultures exist. Oh well.
We do! There are quite a few posters from the gypsy community here, some have already responded. Like everyone else they will be horrified. They spend so much time and energy to explain to the more bigoted amongst us that casual violence is not endemic in the gypsy culture... and yet here you are!

I hope that you have simply misread what has been said and are responding to a slightly different post!

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 04/02/2021 09:48

I second this...
He flew into a rage because your DS turned off a light.

Think about it. There's nothing normal about that. I do not know anyone who has even nearly got into a rage about something so trivial. Its nuts and dangerous, abusive and controlling. Stop at that. With or without the violence and choking. He's a very dangerous man.

DedlyMedally · 04/02/2021 09:49

Sounds like he's been watching too much of The Simpsons...

Covidcorvid · 04/02/2021 09:49

@Mrgrinch

If my son tried to strangle my DH, he would have done the exact same thing to be honest.

What exactly was he crying and hyperventilating about?

He was crying because he was a scared kid who had his father raging at him. He probably put his hands round his dad's throat in defence/panic, trying to get him to stop.

It's not like the kid is a psychopath who just decided to try and strangle his dad unprovoked!

refusetobeasheep · 04/02/2021 09:54

if ever you wobble, do come on here. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and you're not seeing things as most people would. I have been there. The only reason I called the police was because of the shock on my business partners face when I mentioned something that happened. I knew it was not good but had been so desensitised his shock shocked me into action! So hear the people here - what your DH did really is that bad, as you knew in the instant. Keep strong, protect your child and yourself. It may well be he can have contact again but only if the anger issues are addressed and your son knows that if he is ever made to feel uncomfortable he lets you know and the contact will stop. But your DH is currently in denial so no contact at the moment. Let him take you to court for access - let the professionals help guide you, I remember one social worker telling me that if I failed to step up and protect DD then they would look at whether I was able to meet her needs - use that to help keep you firm if it helps!

gaijinetal · 04/02/2021 09:54

He should have been out for either (or both) the rage over the light being turned off, or calling his child names like retard. Or following to his room and trying to intimidate him.

That's not even getting onto the holding him down and strangling him (however briefly) in response to your sins attempt to defend himself/stop the intimidation, bullying & verbal abuse.

It sounds like your dh's behaviour has some background - it's not the first time this sort of thing had ever happened?

It's seems v unlikely your son would do what he did if it was.

He's trying to minimise and gas light. He's full of shit.

gaijinetal · 04/02/2021 09:55

Your husband, that is (obviously).

gaijinetal · 04/02/2021 10:00

I remember one social worker telling me that if I failed to step up and protect DD then they would look at whether I was able to meet her needs

He's only ten.

It hasn't even hit licking horns, testosterone, pushing boundaries, dog pack, teenage attitude stuff yet.

I can only imagine what would be happening then.

Your dh is the adult and he needs carefully monitored and controlled since he can't control himself apparently.

Also "stole my son" - ridiculous, melodrama - total lack of responsibility for his behaviour .. also makes your son sound like a possession.

Is he under the surface one of those men who sees his partner and kids as his posessions? Because they're potentially dangerous at worst and abusive at best.

gaijinetal · 04/02/2021 10:01

*locking horns!

BabyBee93 · 04/02/2021 10:17

@gaijinetal

He should have been out for either (or both) the rage over the light being turned off, or calling his child names like retard. Or following to his room and trying to intimidate him.

That's not even getting onto the holding him down and strangling him (however briefly) in response to your sins attempt to defend himself/stop the intimidation, bullying & verbal abuse.

It sounds like your dh's behaviour has some background - it's not the first time this sort of thing had ever happened?

It's seems v unlikely your son would do what he did if it was.

He's trying to minimise and gas light. He's full of shit.

This 100%!

There's so much toxicity here even without the strangling, you're doing the right thing by removing him from your son's life OP

DoctorManhattan · 04/02/2021 10:57

You did the right thing.

It doesn't matter how long he held his hands on his neck - if it was for one second or one hour. It's the fact that he did it.

I lived with my mum at my Gran's house for the first 6yrs of my life (long story), some of her sisters still lived there and one of them had a boyfriend who would be over often. He was a complete arsehole - even at that age I knew it. His 'play fighting' with me was more of an excuse to bully and be in control. When I was around 5 I remember him trying to wrestle me one day (just the two of us alone in the front room), and then putting his hands extremely tightly over my mouth and nose - I couldn't breathe at all. It was only for a few seconds but the panic is still fresh in my memory, and at the age of 43 now, if I saw someone doing it to my son I'd likely end up in jail.

My point is that children often don't remember the duration of traumatic events, but they will sure as hell remember the emotions associated with them.

Being nice the other 90% of the time does not in any way compensate for this behaviour. Most of us manage to get through life 100% of the time without choking our children.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 04/02/2021 11:02

Fighting is a very big part of our culture actually.

Well it shouldn't be. Being a minority doesn't mean practices are above criticism. I find that to be a base, unintelligent and unmanly way of resolving disputes, whoever's doing it.

But still, I've less objection to grown men deciding to get into a scrap in the name of "culture" than deciding to get their hands around children's throats in the name of anything at all.

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 11:19

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

Fighting is a very big part of our culture actually.

Well it shouldn't be. Being a minority doesn't mean practices are above criticism. I find that to be a base, unintelligent and unmanly way of resolving disputes, whoever's doing it.

But still, I've less objection to grown men deciding to get into a scrap in the name of "culture" than deciding to get their hands around children's throats in the name of anything at all.

It's disgusting (and offensive to people of that culture) to try to claim child abuse is a normal and reasonable part of the culture that is encouraged.

I hope she failed to read the op (after all, she asked why the child was hysterical and crying) and now just can't back down from her position. Evidenced by failure to engage with anyone who points out how and in what order the situation played out.