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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choked 10yo

181 replies

wayfarer46 · 04/02/2021 01:33

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

OP posts:
SmeleanorSmellstrop · 04/02/2021 05:43

Your husband is not a good father. It doesn't matter if, in the past, you felt he was. He isn't now. All that is irrelevant now. You husband's behaviour was sickening even before he strangled your son! His rage sounds terrifying. Your son was in a state of terror that no child should ever be in, especially because of a parent. And this was before the choking!

The choking COULD HAVE KILLED YOUR SON. Choking doesn't need to be hard, or for long, to accidentally kill someone.

If it happened once it could happen again. Please stay strong and don't back down for the sake of your son. No child desrves to be emotionally or physically abused, especially in a way that literally could have taken their life.

TramaDollface · 04/02/2021 05:49

How can you love somebody who has done that to your son?

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 04/02/2021 05:52

You did the right thing, keep protecting your son.

Don't let him manipulate you.

Good fathers don't fly into rages. Good fathers don't choke their son.

Your poor poor child, he must be so frightened.

Original poster
wayfarer46 · 04/02/2021 05:57

Thank you everyone who has responded. It is encouraging to have your support that this was an incredibly serious incident and that my first focus is to keep my son safe and only after his father takes big steps to change his behaviour can I even consider letting them have a relationship. H was the one who made these decisions and these actions, and these are the consequences.

Someone said, does he go into a rage at strangers and in public, and yes he does occasionally, but the initial rage incident happened when the light was turned off - everything afterward was just him choosing to be horrible.
We've been together 14 years and love doesn't just turn off in a second. I feel like he's a drug I'm trying to quit. All of you are so helpful in keeping me focused on keeping my son safe and out of that environment.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 04/02/2021 06:19

How does your son feel about seeing him?

ThelmaNotLouise · 04/02/2021 06:39

@SoEverybodyDance

Did you wonder why your son seemed so ready to put his hands round his father's neck? Has he seen/experienced something he shouldn't have?

Honestly your son comes first, don't compound the damage by letting access unless you have no choice...

This is what jumped out at me too. Your poor child was so upset and overwhelmed that he tried to do this to his dad to get him to shut up/back off. So when you say that between outbursts your STBEX is a nice man, forget it. This ^ is the impact his parenting is having on your DC – he is learning to fight violence with violence. You need to break the cycle, now, by concentrating on your child and not the awful man you married.
YanTanTethera123 · 04/02/2021 06:46

@Mrbob

I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time

Same as most perpetrators of domestic violence really. Lovely most of the time. And then they kill you

^THIS Your poor, poor son. I struggle to comprehend how you can say he’s a good father and you love him after this. And especially when he’s showing absolutely no remorse.
Chottie · 04/02/2021 06:46

OP - stay strong and protect your son.

Your 'D'Ps actions are NOT those of a loving and kind father. Your poor son being put in this position by his own father.

CiderJolly · 04/02/2021 06:49

The language he used was unforgivable let alone the rest of it.

And I honestly don’t know how you can still love anyone who has hurt your child like that.

You did the right thing. And it would be much better for your child’s self esteem if you don’t talk about still loving the man that degraded and hurt him.

I think even though you took the right action at the time, your feelings now are worrying. I don’t see how your ex could be safe around your son no matter what he is saying/doing.

CiderJolly · 04/02/2021 06:51

A man hurts and degrades his own defenceless child- how are you not repulsed by him?

picklemewalnuts · 04/02/2021 06:51

He shouldn't be seeing your son. The fact that he's turning it on you just emphasises how unsuitable he is.

Inadequate, pathetic bully of a man.

JemimaRacktool · 04/02/2021 06:52

You have to stop listening to this man. Start to hear white noise when he speaks or messages. Take yourself out of earshot of him as much as possible. He can't even take responsibility now so he is still and always will be a danger.

Imagine if he did it again and snapped the kids neck like a carrot and yet you knew of this tendency.

Don't in any way do anything to facilitate this man. Let him sort it out. Don't arrange access. That's not your job. Don't lift a finger unless it's for you or your DS. This can't be 'made nice'. Turn away and concentrate on your lives, not this abuser.

Signoramarella · 04/02/2021 06:56

Hi op, same situation. I left my ex last year after he attacked my 9 year old on Xmas day. Violent alcoholic. My son now has trauma issues, but thank God I got out when I did. You need distance and you did the right thing. Now he is 11 we can talk in factual terms about daddys illness, and how he feels about it. Well done for escaping. Every day I wake up knowing I made the right decision, you will too.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/02/2021 07:02

I think you should to the freedom program op.

Also, why are you in touch with him so much still? He's getting in to your head.

In light of the incident, if you went back, social services would be likely to be involved. Not sure if you realise that?

What other outbursts has he had at you and your son? Might be an idea to write it all down.

KnobblyWand · 04/02/2021 07:06

The "rage" you describe should be enough to remove this man from your life, it is not normal, or ever ok, for someone to fly into rages at the slightest thing. It isn't a personality quirk. It is abuse.

The choking was the cherry on the cake, and you need to realise this.

Have you sought counselling?

Rainbowqueeen · 04/02/2021 07:11

Freedom programme is a great idea

Your DH does not get to decide how what he did impacts his wife and child. You decide your own feelings
His actions were not normal and he is not acknowledging this.

@PurpleSneakers I thought of Luke Batty too. For those who don’t know, he was an Australian boy whose violent father bashed him to death with a cricket bat when he was 13.
Get your son into therapy and yourself as well.

custardbear · 04/02/2021 07:16

Your child will never forget what his dad did, and will likely need counselling and will have issues, however, he'll know you protected him and made it ok. Don't fail him now, keep that monster away from your child. Your husband blew it as a parent, make sure you don't blow it either

Good luck

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/02/2021 07:21

You absolutely did the right thing OP. It's incidents like this that are the most dangerous. People who have sudden murderous rages can end up killing someone.
My first husband was the same and he was banned from seeing my son altogether until he was an adult.
My son is 40 now and occasionally sees his father but there is no love lost there.
I feel this isn't my fault or my son's fault it lies squarely on the shoulders of his father.
Don't be fooled by what he says, a sudden rage when you are not there could lead to your son's death.

ittakes2 · 04/02/2021 07:22

Seriously - an angry adult prepared to put their hands around a child's neck should never be left alone with them. Adults don't know how much stronger they are than a child. He could have crushed his windpipe even if he thought he was just mucking around. Of course he is going to say you over reacted. But your instinct is telling you you didn't - please trust your instinct.

Cattitudes · 04/02/2021 07:22

Obviously you shouldn't go back, your son is not only the victim but is also learning about adult relationships from him. He is learning that violence means you get your own way. What happens in six years when ds is as big and strong as your ex and they have a fight? Either of them could be killed. What about in 15 years when your ds's girlfriend or child does something to annoying him and he gets cross? Your ex has calmed down from his rage and has some perspective but he still isn't having classes and anger management. I personally could never go back and it would take a court to force me to let him see him again.

Covidcorvid · 04/02/2021 07:24

Wow. You’ve definitely done the right thing.

Have social services been involved because they would back you up and could be useful for strengthening your case?

A friend of mine had a similar incident where her boyfriend physically dragged her 15yo son up the stairs by his shirt collar which caused a lot of bruising to his neck. She didn’t throw the boyfriend out. The next day the school called the police.

Social services got involved straight away. The boyfriend was charged with assault and SS made it clear to the mum that she had to finish the relationship and have no further contact. Now he wasn’t the boy’s father so guess contact wasn’t an issue. However she was pregnant by him. All her kids were put on the at risk register, a lot of that was because she hadn’t safeguarded the kids because she hadn’t thrown him out.

You’ve done the opposite and shown you can safeguard your DS. They would back you up over custody, etc. So might be worth getting them on side? Good luck.

MrsTeachers · 04/02/2021 07:25

You did the right this op, Thanks

Emmie2021 · 04/02/2021 07:29

Gosh so sorry for your son - poor poor boy and you OP

What your exh did utterly negates the times he was a gentle good farther . Totally and utterly. It’s game over with those actions .I hope you and your ds heal from this and wish you all the best x

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 04/02/2021 07:34

It's astounding that you've seen him put his hands around the neck of your child, and yet you still say you love him and he's a good man and a good father. He is neither of those things. He's a fucking monster who shouldn't be anywhere near your child.

DinosaurDiana · 04/02/2021 07:38

You absolutely need to keep full custody, and you need supervised contact if/when your son is ready to see his dad.