DH choked 10yo

[wayfarer46]

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

This was my dad. Lovely and kind sometimes, but would fly into insane rages where he was horribly abusive. My mum never left him, and me and my siblings still struggle to deal with that. Her inability to defend us irreparably damaged our relationship with her. You are doing the right thing, imo.

I think your son will thank you for protecting him. That's an experience he unfortunately will never forget, but what he will also remember is that his mum protected him. Your ex deserves to be put away and forgotten about.

@AlbertCampion

This was my dad. Lovely and kind sometimes, but would fly into insane rages where he was horribly abusive. My mum never left him, and me and my siblings still struggle to deal with that. Her inability to defend us irreparably damaged our relationship with her. You are doing the right thing, imo.

Mine was the same. One time my sister was so scared that she ran to the bathroom and locked herself in. He was in such a rage that he kicked and kicked the door until it came off its hinges. What could a 10 year old girl have done to warrant being exposed to such terror?

Like others have said, do the freedom programme and get your son into counselling.

It's up to you to keep your abuser away. He's not nice or a good dad.
Stop talking to him and trying to facilitate a reconciliation.

I suspect this incident is one of many in the years you've known him.

Look up trauma bonding.

Listen to all those who have mentioned their accounts of being bullied and abused as a child while their mum did nothing.

If anyone did that to my child I would do everything in my power to make sure they were never anywhere near him ever again. P.S my mum let her boyfriend do stuff like this to me and we now have no relationship. Please protect your child.

My father did similar to me when I was around your son’s age. Hands briefly around my neck to scare me into behaving. No physical damage done, but I still class it as the most terrifying incident of my life.

He never put his hands around my neck again, but he was violent in other ways. My mum didn’t leave him. That’s one of the reasons I don’t speak to either of them now.

You’re right to leave OP. Keep your son safe.

I am almost more shocked at your approach tbh.

I don't think it's a case of 'when the therapist signs off'.

I don't think there's any coming back from something like that. Forget 'rage' and all the descriptors that try so hard to kind of create the illusion that this is something 'happening to him' - when he gets better, he'll be the 'great father' he was before, right?

No.

There is, or should be, a very basic instinct to protect your child. If that isn't there, then I don't think it's something you can or should try and work around. He is not a parent. He does not have that instinct. He's a danger and he always will be, because he doesn't have that override. That override which would happily see him wallop his son, or push him - but hands round the neck and squeeze - NO.

He could very easily have killed him. It takes nothing.

And, 'good father'? Bullshit - what you mean by this is that he can do the 'playful happy dad' pantomime. They all can. When they're in the mood, the happy joking and the cuddles.

It's worse than being abusive all the time, because it teaches the child they can't trust. Dad is a wolf who puts on sheep's clothing, so be on your guard. Maybe everyone does it. Trust no-one. They don't really love you.

Your son is terrified of him and he will have been terrified of him all the time they've played and cuddled and your shit of a DH has been 'playing Dad'.

Don't ever call him a good father. If you can think he's a good father, you're not a good mother. And I'm sure you are a good mother.

You've taken the steps you need to take, keep him away permanently.

I wish my mum had done what you did.

After every episode with my stepfather she would say she was leaving, calling the police, etc, and then she would forget, say it wasn't as bad as all that, it was alright really, I shouldn't have wound him up, it was my fault, etc.

It's like the story of frogs in a pot of water - if they stay in the pot while the water heats up it's so slow that they don't notice when it reaches boiling point and won't attempt to get out.

You're doing the right thing.

Did it come out of nowhere?

That must have been terrifying for your son, you didn't over react and I'd be very worried about leaving your son in his care unsupervised.

I feel like he's a drug I'm trying to quit
I think this can be helpful way to look at things, there is often a strong element of addiction craving and compulsion which, although you know it's irrational, is very powerful
Sending you strength Opie🙏

The problem is, not only what he has already done to your son, but the fact that his temper is out of control. Or to put it another way, his feelings, and his expression of them, are more important to him than the safety of his own son.
He could explode again at any time.

Fucking hell. What have I just read. This is horrendously upsetting. I feel quite disturbed reading that.

Your poor poor son 😞.

Please block him out of your lives and never see him again. Your son will never forget that moment and now it will be a trauma. I would suggest some counselling for him.

This is psychological abuse (humiliation, intimidation, putting him down). This could have long term effects.

Personally I wouldn't care how much counselling he got. He needs to leave your sons life now!

This horrified me. You did the right thing by protecting you DS. My dad used to act exactly like this, my mum stayed with him and swept the issue under the rug. I still have so much rage towards her for not protecting me. It makes our relationship very strained

@Springfern

Me too. My mother never safe guarded me either. I still resent her for it.

This is genuinely one of the most horrifying things I have read on this site.

I commend the OP for her swift action to protect her son but I am at a loss as to how anyone would need help to be objective about a grown man putting his hands round the neck of a child he had already been taunting and reduced to tears.

He is not a good father if he can do this.
A good father would also not taunt an upset child by calling them a retard or fool.

An abusive father would.

Your child should never have to be in this man’s presence again, therapist or not. He has already minimised it and is gaslighting you into trying to minimise it. That tells you everything about the type of father he is.

Just because your husband is sometimes 'kind and gentle' doesn't make the physical and emotional abuse ever ok. You did absolutely the right thing by having custody of your son, although I would be very, very, wary of his dad being around him again, no matter how much therapy and medication he has.

I never knew a violent abusive man who wasn't also loving and gentle at times.

Thank you everyone (except mrgrinch) Leaving this relationship has felt like descriptions I've read of leaving a cult.

I'm not going back. My son is in therapy and I will be soon to. I think years of gaslighting has taken a toll on me. I will be pursuing full custody. I know my son still wants to see his dad, so I will be asking for supervised visitation only.

*supervised visitation if and when H complies with all parenting classes and therapy I've asked him to do. No contact until then.

As a matter of interest, what does your son say about the allegation that his father didn't use any pressure on his neck?

I haven’t rtft and hopefully this has already been covered.

When you have adrenaline coursing through your body it affects various systems - redirecting strength to the limbs (so you can run and fight), shutting down non essential parts of the frontal cortex, changing your fiend of vision so you can see further but not as widely, etc. One of the effects of adrenaline is that it affects your perception of time. People sometimes describe things happening in slow motion.

The problem with putting your hands around someone’s neck when you are angry is that under the influence of adrenaline you can squeeze harder and longer than you intend. People die because of this.

You cannot be in control of yourself in these circumstances because the rational part of your brain isn’t making the decisions. He may think he was still in control of himself but honestly a grown man wouldn’t put his hands around a child’s neck if he was in full control of himself.

He is extremely lucky that his child isn’t dead and he isn’t in prison.

Until he can accept how close he came to that, he doesn’t understand the situation and he simply cannot be trusted.

I read a superb book, written from a martial arts perspective, on the effects of adrenaline
on the body and mind. It might be worth both of you reading it. You, so you don’t lose sight of the seriousness of this incident, and him to help grasp the gravity of it so he can genuinely commit to learning anger management.

I left my ex after 30 years, when I realised that the abuse I was suffering from him had now progressed to him being abusive to the children.

Once the Dc and I had settled down, they began to open up that he'd been nasty to them when I was at work (on his days off). This included one occasion when he'd wrapped something around DS's neck and pulled. Not hard, but enough to make DS scared.

Both DC suffered with MH issues after we left, as a direct result of the abuse. They are healing well, but I wish I'd had the courage to leave earlier as they may not have suffered as much.

I'm so glad I left. DC are late teens, and chose not to see him. I still apologise to them for not leaving sooner, but DD has expressed their opinion that we left and as we can't change the past, we should work on our future.

He's dead now, so he can't hurt them again.

OP, stay strong. I did the right thing in leaving, and your H sounds worse than my ex.

There is some evidence out there regarding domestic violence and strangling (not necessarily proper strangling but just like what you've described). It's prob worth having a look OP. I've read it about it when reviewing DV cases. A man who does this is apparently more likely to kill. I don't want to scare you but just want you to be aware.

Dear god no. Does your son even want to see his father again after that. His wishes should be paramount now. Bugger what your husband thinks or wants to happen.

20 years later my ds is still having therapy.. No way should you ds get to decide at 10 he still sees his abuser...
That's what he is.