Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choked 10yo

181 replies

wayfarer46 · 04/02/2021 01:33

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

OP posts:
Mrgrinch · 04/02/2021 07:43

If my son tried to strangle my DH, he would have done the exact same thing to be honest.

What exactly was he crying and hyperventilating about?

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 07:46

Jesus Christ! There's no way you overreacted. You should have got the police involved for the attack on your son.
No pressure 🙄 yeah, right. That's why your son was making sounds consistent with strangulation.

He has proven himself a danger to your child. He must think you're a moron if he expects you to believe his bullshit.
And, let's pretend he's telling the truth. That means that he was completely in control when he strangled his child. That is absolutely chilling.

He is not a good father. Ever. That's like saying a man is a good husband apart from when he kicks you in the face and knocks your teeth out.

KnobblyWand · 04/02/2021 07:47

If my son tried to strangle my DH, he would have done the exact same thing to be honest.

Your DH would briefly strangle your son in retaliation?

netstaller · 04/02/2021 07:48

I would say your son will probably need counselling to move past this and past events. He is probably traumatised and the fact he tried to strangle his father (not normal behaviour) suggests he's been exposed to previous violence and trauma. You've done the right thing OP but please do look into help for your son too x

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 04/02/2021 07:50

Have you spoken to the police? I really think that you should. You need an evidence trail for court if he tries to get unsupervised access.

Does your son have support at school, therapy?

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 07:50

@Mrgrinch

If my son tried to strangle my DH, he would have done the exact same thing to be honest.

What exactly was he crying and hyperventilating about?

This. "Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom"

Child turned off a light.
Father flew into a rage.
Child was terrified. Hyperventilating, crying, tried to run away, father followed him, child was so scared of what he felt his father was going to do, he tried to fight him off, father strangled him.

And you are saying your husband would do the same? That's alarming.

picklemewalnuts · 04/02/2021 07:51

Your son needs you to continue to protect him from his father. He needs a parent who protects him.

Mrgrinch · 04/02/2021 07:53

@KnobblyWand

If my son tried to strangle my DH, he would have done the exact same thing to be honest.

Your DH would briefly strangle your son in retaliation?

My DH would ask him how it felt. He would likely say horrible and wouldn't do it again. To be honest I'm not surprised we are raising a generation of snowflakes.

So the child put his hands around someone's neck and that's just fine because it's an adult? He's got away with it once, so he will do it again. What about when he does it to a child at school?

KnobblyWand · 04/02/2021 07:55

My DH would ask him how it felt. He would likely say horrible and wouldn't do it again. To be honest I'm not surprised we are raising a generation of snowflakes.

Fucking hell.

ChancesWhatChances · 04/02/2021 07:55

You’re perfectly within your rights to cut all communication and wait for him to sort his shit out. Once he’s done that he is able to apply for supervised visitation, but he put his hands around your sons throat - regardless of if he applied pressure or not. He is an abusive father, not a good one.

Tiredmum100 · 04/02/2021 07:57

You did the right thing. 100%. Your poor son, and you. You need to be strong for his sake. Dont back down or let your husband wear you down to go back to normal. It is hard when you love someone, but can you imagine how scared and humiliated your son felt. Someone like will never change. Or if they do he will need a lot of help to change his ways He's done this to his son at 10, what would he do as he gets older.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/02/2021 07:57

@Mrgrinch

If my son tried to strangle my DH, he would have done the exact same thing to be honest.

What exactly was he crying and hyperventilating about?

A couple of things

OP explains the resons for her son hyperventilating and crying - his dad flew into a rage at him for turning off a light

Why would your son try to strangle his dad? Think about that... what would your son have been through, seen, normalised for that to be a 10 year olds reaction to an angry parent?

Is your husband also prone to losing his temper? Retaliation isn't usually a parent's go to repsonse when confronted by their scared, aggresive and confused child.

@wayfarer46 I hope you and your sone get all the legal and emotional support, counselling you need to help you undertsand and cope with what your husband did. Look after your son...

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/02/2021 08:00

Strangling a child is never an acceptable way to resolve bad behaviour 🙄🙄🙄🙄. I can’t believe that needs saying 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mrgrinch · 04/02/2021 08:05

@CuriousaboutSamphire No, my child wouldn't try and strangle his dad. But if he did he would need to learn that if it's fine for him to do something to someone else, it's also fine in return.

I wouldn't want my son growing up thinking he can put his hands on people without being prepared to have it done back to him.

peanutbuttermilkshake · 04/02/2021 08:05

My DH would ask him how it felt. He would likely say horrible and wouldn't do it again.

Oh my god that’s sick @Mrgrinch you’d be ok with your partner inflicting pain on a ten year old and then asking them to describe how it felt to show them that it was THEIR actions which were wrong? Sorry I never use strong language on here but that is so beyond fucked up.

Raising a ‘generation of snowflakes’ yeah right. Every adult I know my age (not young!) who was subject to assault as a child still remembers it with fear and horror.

PurpleRainDancer · 04/02/2021 08:05

@Bouledeneige

He flew into a rage because your DS turned off a light.

Think about it. There's nothing normal about that. I do not know anyone who has even nearly got into a rage about something so trivial. Its nuts and dangerous, abusive and controlling. Stop at that. With or without the violence and choking. He's a very dangerous man.

Get him away from your children and keep him away. Use everything in your power.

This
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/02/2021 08:06

wayfarer

AM courses amongst other measures are NO answer to domestic violence. Your H has a problem with anger but not in the ways you think he does. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. I would think he has ground you down to almost dust emotionally over the years too and now he has started on his son. He is a dangerous individual to be at all around. Like practically all abusers as well he is not taking any real responsibility for his actions nor apologising for same.

You need to be seen by your son in particular as protecting him from his father because if you do not you will lose him and he will not want anything to do with you as an adult. Do not waiver now nor further let your current husband take up valuable headspace. Do look at the Freedom Programme.

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 08:09

"what if he did it to a child at school?"

Well, if a child at school who was two times (at least) bigger and stronger had flown into a rage at the boy for doing something entirely normal and innocent, had terrified the boy to the point of hysteria, the boy had tried to escape and been followed, cornered in a room and felt so scared they'd felt they had to 'strangle' a child who was so much bigger and stronger than them that they never in a million years had a chance of doing any damage, and been strangled in return by this child who due to being so much bigger and stronger could actually have killed them - then I'd expect the big child to be expelled, frankly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/02/2021 08:09

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What did your now husband learn?.

Mrgrinch · 04/02/2021 08:10

@peanutbuttermilkshake

My DH would ask him how it felt. He would likely say horrible and wouldn't do it again.

Oh my god that’s sick @Mrgrinch you’d be ok with your partner inflicting pain on a ten year old and then asking them to describe how it felt to show them that it was THEIR actions which were wrong? Sorry I never use strong language on here but that is so beyond fucked up.

Raising a ‘generation of snowflakes’ yeah right. Every adult I know my age (not young!) who was subject to assault as a child still remembers it with fear and horror.

We teach to hit back. Maybe that's alien to you but in my culture (gypsy) that's how it is.

If someone hit him, he has to will hit back. He know this and that's why he won't hit anyone, because he knows the consequences.

lunar1 · 04/02/2021 08:10

There's a reason bad people get judged by the worst things they've ever done. It's because they are bad enough to wipe out all the good. Nothing will ever take away that moment for your DS, and while he might still love his dad it will always be laced with fear. He crossed a line he can't come back from.

Lostinwinter · 04/02/2021 08:11

My Father hit me as a child. I used to beg my Mum to leave, she would tell me he just has a bad temper, he is lovely most of the time.

Lostinwinter · 04/02/2021 08:12

I guess what I trying to say is it takes strength to leave and she didn't have it, I hope you do.

ThenCatoJumpedOut · 04/02/2021 08:15

You did so well

Don’t make DS see DH more than is safe out of misplaced guilt

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 08:16

Mrgrinch, so your husband would fly into a rage, terrify your child into hysteria, follow him when he tried to escape, and when your child was cornered and so terrified he tried to fight off his dad (something he would have known was futile due to the size difference so was clearly a desperate act due to fear) and your husband would strangle your son in return and you are telling us that this is normal, acceptable and encouraged in Gypsy culture?
That's rather worrying.