DH choked 10yo

[wayfarer46]

Hello all, I need some support here, it is very hard for me to be objective in this situation.
Soon-to-be-ex DH has a rage issue. On Boxing Day he flew into a rage at our 10yo son for turning off a light. Kid was crying, hyperventilating, ran into the bedroom. DH followed him in, I asked DH to go out as he was making the situation worse and I wanted DS to be able to calm down. DH started calling DS names like "fool" and "retard" DS then tried to choke DH and DH laughed at him, said "I'll show you how to do it" then grabbed him and threw him down on the bed and put his hands around DS neck. DS made a strangled noise and DH let him go. The actual hands on the neck was less than a second. DS was not physically hurt.
I left DH, got a protective order & emergency custody of DS.
Now DH is saying I blew the event out of proportion. That he didn't put any pressure on DS neck and that I am just trying to take his son away.
I have asked him to do parenting classes, anger management, and therapy before getting supervised visitation. Once his therapist signs off I am willing to do equal visitation, but I want to maintain custody in case there is another event in the future. (Bratty teenage attitudes are on the horizon, and DH has already proven he can't deal with that)
He says I kidnapped DS on false charges. He has gone to his doctor and started taking meds which I am glad for as a first step.
I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.
Thank you all

OP you’ve done everything thing right. Many many parents brush that shit under the carpet - you didn’t.

The situation was out of hand even before your dh did that to your ds. Stick with full custody

@Bumblebee1980a sorry to hear you had the same experience

You absolutely did the right thing. In your heart you know you did. You had no choice but to protect your son. The damage that your child suffered at the hands of his abusive father will stay with him forever. He had demonstrated that he can't be trusted to control his temper. Keep on protecting your child. Even though he may well love his Dad it does not mean unsupervised contact is a good idea.

Apparently the judge and mrgrinch went to the same school of parenting. My request to extend protection and sole custody was denied. I am reeling.

Oh my god OP that’s awful news. I have no words of wisdom but I am sure a more knowledgable poster will be along soon to offer some good practical advice. For now, here’s a handhold and know that I’m thinking of you

Gosh you poor thing

Vile piece of scum

Love to you both

DO NOT ALLOW UNSUPERVISED ACCESS
EVER!!!!!!!

He is a danger to your child and you are doing the right thing. He needs to work on his anger issues and lack of self control - I would never allow that around a child of mine.
My stbxh had a few episodes like that with my then 8 year old son. He also called him retard and bad apple and threatened often to send him away. One day he turned a chair upside down when my son was sitting in it. I told him if he ever did anything remotely similar I would have the police on him so fast his head would spin. He never did it again and he behaves fairly ok now but my respect and trust all went out of the window anyway.
Please do not allow him near your son unsupervised. A second is all it takes. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

What do Social services say?

I grew up with a violent, abusive and nasty step father.

I’d get shouted at for no reason, beatings for the most silly things, I was bruised, battered and sometimes sexually molested.

It all went on in the background but the shouting was more open. My mother was always sided with her husband while her 4 children got ill treatment.

20 years later and only 1 of her children talk to her. 2 of us have major anxiety and post traumatic stress issues.

I have nightmares about him 2/3 times a week. Counselling is helping but the damage is deep.

Anyone who has an aggressive husband should leave them for the sake of themselves. If I could have my mother prosecuted for neglect, I would. We all would.

Middle class family, nice house etc. “The dream”.

@wayfarer46

Apparently the judge and mrgrinch went to the same school of parenting. My request to extend protection and sole custody was denied. I am reeling.

What the fuck was the justification??

That’s appalling, OP. Can you appeal the decision?
Call social services and get their opinion?
Does your son actually want to see him?

Get social services involved and the police. He could be charged with assault.

You wouldn't force an adult to have contact with someone who assaulted them so why is it OK for kids.

@wayfarer46

Apparently the judge and mrgrinch went to the same school of parenting. My request to extend protection and sole custody was denied. I am reeling.

Can you contact social services?

Nope nope nope! I wouldn't let that man anywhere near my child ever again, he could take me to court if he wanted to but hell would freeze over before I'd allow it to happen.

He strangled a child! Doesn't matter if it was 1 second, imagine how frightened your son must have been in that moment.

He obviously hasn't changed because he's not taking responsibility. He is shifting the blame to you, saying you have exaggerated the whole thing. How can you exaggerate him putting his hands around his sons neck?! He is making excuses and telling you what you want to hear so you give in to him.

This post has made me so angry and worried for you and your child :(

@wayfarer46

Apparently the judge and mrgrinch went to the same school of parenting. My request to extend protection and sole custody was denied. I am reeling.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's disgraceful. I hope you and your son can get better help with this :(

@Covidcorvid

Get social services involved and the police. He could be charged with assault.

You wouldn't force an adult to have contact with someone who assaulted them so why is it OK for kids.

This

I love DH and he is a great father a lot of the time, so I know these things are clouding my judgement on how serious this event was. I just need objective input from someone who doesn't love him, and hasn't seen years of him being a gentle, caring dad when he is not having an outburst.

Good Lord! He is not a good dad. He's a bloody terrible and dangerous one. Your poor son. You need to get out!

Put simply, a one second loss of temper in an adult can (accidentally or not) result in the death of a child. A push too hard, a squeeze too hard.

What custody arrangement did the judge agree to?

@TheresAwholeWideWorld

This is exactly what I've been thinking. Such a worrying post.

I find any post to do with children being hurt (mentally or physically) terribly upsetting.

Please update us OP

My lawyer is filing an appeal, if that doesn't work, I will get social services involved and take H to criminal court. Was hoping to not have to put my child through that.

@wayfarer46

My lawyer is filing an appeal, if that doesn't work, I will get social services involved and take H to criminal court. Was hoping to not have to put my child through that.