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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

294 replies

SiaSunday12 · 03/02/2021 22:53

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

OP posts:
Geppili · 03/02/2021 22:55

Really sorry to hear this Op. What a weak minded man. think he should tell everyone the truth. Thanks

JayAlfredPrufrock · 03/02/2021 22:55

I’m sorry. Have you just found out?

Honesty is the best policy in my view.

Geppili · 03/02/2021 22:56

I really think you need to confide in someone in real life.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 03/02/2021 22:57

A definitely A. Why should he have it all his way? You would be crazy to not be honest, things often come out anyway. Sorry to hear what he’s done

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2021 22:58

Bloody hell. Is he still with her?

You should be honest with the people you love and trust. But even if you were tempted to lie, at some point down the line you’ll want to talk to them, have their support and understanding, and if the OW hangs around it’ll all come out in the wash anyway.

PQWQ · 03/02/2021 22:59

When did you find out about the affair. Does he know you know ?

I'd always go with telling the truth, particularly as you are going to need to talk to someone for support.

Flowers
OhioOhioOhio · 03/02/2021 22:59

Tell the truth. Please don't fill your head up with shit you don't need to remember and deal with. You are showing your children an excellent example of being strong and respecting yourself. It is hard though.

4Mongrels · 03/02/2021 22:59

Option A. You could ask family to respect your decision to invite him to events you mention in option B.

Jasperjosephjulian · 03/02/2021 22:59

I think you need to be honest otherwise you'll face years of "oh if you'd managed to work things out" and "mrsiasunday22 was so nice, we wish you'd kept together" which will be hideous for you. People will think you're in the depths of baby blues too and won't trust your decision unless you're honest about the reason.
Also - he's an absolute knob and deserves for people to know the truth about his behaviour.

Eekay · 03/02/2021 23:00

Definitely A. I really think it'll come out anyway as I don't see how you'll be able to hide your pain if you're close to your family. And why on earth should you?
You've had a horrible shock on top of being post-partum. Tell someone so they can support you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Summerhillsquare · 03/02/2021 23:09

Lying will torture you forever. Let him take responsibility for his actions.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 23:12

Op habe you even told him yet? You don’t need to make any decisions on what you tell family immediately. Right now you can just say joint decision then if you wish be honest later. There is no rush.

The first priority is dealing with him and the practicalities.

Original poster
SiaSunday12 · 03/02/2021 23:12

Thank you all so much for your replies. Yep, he knows I know. They work together, apparently he’s broken it off (and she’s been off work with Covid-19), some might call it karma???? I found out 3 weeks ago, but haven’t told anyone as my Grandma was in hospital, and was sadly dying, and with everything that’s going on just now, it’s been a distressing time as the family wasn’t able to visit. She passed away and the funeral was last Thursday, I just didn’t want to tell my family while all this was going on, and have been waiting for things to settle etc, before feeling like I’m dropping a bombshell on them at this time. I just feel so upset for our children x

OP posts:
Boboparadise · 03/02/2021 23:12

@Eekay

Definitely A. I really think it'll come out anyway as I don't see how you'll be able to hide your pain if you're close to your family. And why on earth should you? You've had a horrible shock on top of being post-partum. Tell someone so they can support you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Exactly this. He does not deserve you to hide his shittyness. His shame and guilt. Family members could tolerate him for birthdays etc if it is your wish..that's what's important
EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/02/2021 23:12

A. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Also, this must be devastating for you and you need good support from people you love. They won't be able to give that if they don't know why you've separated.

willFOURbagsbeenough · 03/02/2021 23:12

Do what you need right now. If you need peace right now, take the peace. Maybe you’ll want to tell your family the truth down the line when you’re in a better place. Or maybe you’ll find you need their support now when you split up.

Do what is right for you right now.

wifterwafter · 03/02/2021 23:17

You can say you're separating and when they ask for a reason you can say that it's not up for discussion at the moment.

Take one day at a time, you've been through a rough few months.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 03/02/2021 23:20

Definitely A.

You host the celebrations and invite who you like. They don't get to decide for you.

funnylittlefloozie · 03/02/2021 23:21

I'm so sorry about your Grandma.

I don't think you should lie to your friends and family to cover for him. You can be truthful AND dignified, and tbh, that's best for your children.

coronafiona · 03/02/2021 23:22

Tell the truth. You are setting a good example for your daughters they need to know not to put up with this.

Berthatydfil · 03/02/2021 23:23

A no question

SD1978 · 03/02/2021 23:24

Truth. You need the support now, and claiming that you are part of the problem will not get you that. Yes, special occasions will be split- and that sucks, but you have no reason to protect this man at all.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/02/2021 23:30

I hate to say it but your families may well not take sides either way.

Both DP and I were treated horribly by our previous partners but both of our families are still on friendly terms with our exes! Most people take a more neutral stance, with a kind of “two sides to every story” mentality so I’d just be open and honest, let them feel cross with him for a while and then you can demonstrate how tolerant you want to be at family occasions in future.

Gamechanger2019 · 03/02/2021 23:49

Definitely A, you’re going to have enough to deal with without having to keep his lies. Please put yourself first, he’s the one who has let you and your children down he doesn’t deserve you to have to lie for him. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this but at least you have your children to keep you going. You’ll come out the other side of this, his absolute loss x

Sssloou · 03/02/2021 23:58

You need your families support right now.

They will not be devastated.

They will be devastated for you - that’s not the same.

Tell the truth - take their love and support you and your DC will need lots of it for some time to come.

I agree that if you don’t tell them they will think you are irrational with PND and you may well not get the support you need. You don’t need to give loads of details right now if you don’t want to. You could also tell just one family member and ask them to tell some others if you can’t face it.

Give them the opportunity to support you as best they can.

I am so sorry that you have been so disgustingly betrayed all of this time and that you’ve just found out so soon after giving birth and during the death of your grandmother.

If the OW is COVID + - then you and your DH need a test.

What arrangements have been made / agreed? Is he moving out?