To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

He is the liar , so don't be complicit in his story.
Once the truth is out, it will go some way in you closing that part of your life and going forward to the next chapter.
Sorry for the loss of your Grandma

I'm sorry OP but you are not going to get your joint celebrations together whatever you do. He will meet someone else. Would you want her over?

It's entirely do-able! My parents managed it. Every Christmas, birthday, wedding, christening and graduation was a joint family event (and remains so). And my parents bring their new partners. It works very well. They've managed it for 15 years.

Sorry you've been so much. I think it would eat me up inside to not tell the truth, because if your family have a good impression of him then they're naturally going to just think you're stressed out with the new child and try to talk you into trying with him again etc.

been through so much*

Bare in mind he will no doubt meet someone else and will want to do his own thing on red letter days anyway, rather than spending it with your family, so not telling them the reason you split may only work short-term.

Please don't take the heat off him by saying it was a mutual decision, people will think its you being hormonal or pnd. I'm sorry its happening but glad to see you've 'got your ducks in a row' and doing it now when your children are so young will be easier on them. There is a good chance the bit on the side will become a fixture in your life so don't leave yourself open to being expected to welcome her by staying quiet about your asshole husband cheating. Just imagine in a few months time husband announces he's dating her, if you've said nothing about him cheating you'll be expected to accept her and him because you were in agreement to splitting up. Let him deal with the relatives and their disappointment in his behaviour. Hope you've gotten yourself checked for a
STD, the other woman obvknew he wasslepping with both of you, the new baby is a bit of a hint!!! Scummy bitch to carry on regardless.

Tell the truth, you will need their support both emotionally and practically. Also what makes you say birthdays, Christmases etc will have to be shared? Unless he takes you to court, just tell him he sees them the day before /after those special occasions.

@Cam2020 You’re right, that is my main worry in all of this.. but I don’t really know anyone who has separated, with a young family. So I suppose I’m just going by the textbook “shared” parenting, weekends here and weekends there kind of thing, as I’m not sure if any other arrangements could be possible? If that would be an option as to say, well this is your fault so I’m not missing out, then that’s the route I would go down, definitely, so it would be a choice to attend or a couple of hours, and that would be that, but is that really an option from a legal point of view? I do need to tell the truth, I agree with you all, reading what I’ve read and seeing sense, and also listening to your own experiences too. Why am I scared?!?! I know a lot of people have said they think I’m in shock etc with the way/what I’ve been writing, but I’m generally quite a calm person. I mean not to say I haven’t blown a gasket with complete anger and sadness... but I guess I’ve had a couple of weeks to myself to process it so I’m just accepting now that it is what it is, and obviously I felt I needed advice on how to proceed, in terms of telling family. It’s not to say that I won’t be a blubbering mess when I do tell them... I think that’ll probably make it feel all the more real!

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury

Definitely A.

You host the celebrations and invite who you like. They don't get to decide for you.

This.

And if you choose to invite him tell your family that for the sake of the children you need them to at least be polite to him.

Oh OP, what a shit he is! You are going through so much what with a new baby, your grandmother passing and this. Lesser people would give up, and I take my hat off to you.
I would do a. He has ruined things, not you. If you went for option b, he could start telling lies, which he has shown he is very capable of with having a 4 year affair, and make out it was your fault and he was just a poor lonely man.
You don't need to tell them all together. Do you have a particularly close family member? I'd tell them and ask them to let the others know. He can tell his own family, or not. Up to him.
I'm glad you are getting things sorted to move on from him. I wish you and your dcs well for a happy future

It has to be A and here is why. If it looks like an agreement to split he will work it so it looked like he met her post split and start bringing her to functions. That would be a slap in the la la s.

Agree with previous posters - option A.

Tell yourself - the lies stop here! Obviously thus far they have been your DHs lies but don’t add to his (4year!!!) web of deceit by putting yourself in the position of option B. You are SO much better than that.

It sounds like you have a loving and supportive family. They will weather this with you, and hard as it will be for some time, you will all move on much quicker ultimately if the truth comes out now.

Has he indicated what sort of parental arrangement he wants? Doesn't sound like he could do 50/50 shared parenting with his work anyway.

When negotiating, could you say that:

• while the kids are young visits to be at your home, going to every other weekend plus a day visit during the week
• xmas to be with you, he can visit or have them on boxing day
• same for birthdays etc

Would that help your fears?

I would tell your immediate circle the truth, however would ask them to keep it within the family and see you want to keep communication open and avoid any unnecessary drama.

And so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Ps you'll still be able to make lovely memories with your kids, perhaps this is better than them having normality and then splitting later. It's all they'll have known.

@SiaSunday12 you need to tell everyone the truth. It’s quite possible some of your friends and family have wondered what he was doing when he spent so much time away from you. Being open about what has happened will be painful, but it’s worth it to get the support that you want.

I agree with pp who say he won’t want to spend the whole of Christmas or other occasions with your family. He may well turn out to be one of those divorced fathers who only see their children every few weeks because he’s such a selfish man.

Tell your family the truth, give them time to process, and then tell them that you need them to be amicable with him and that they have to put aside their feelings for the sake of you and your children. You're allowed to expect your family to be grown ups about it for you to get what you need from joint occasions.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. What a wanker.

I'm so sorry for all you are going through, OP.

Option A is the only real option. He has lied to you and both your families for four years, and you should not even consider continuing his lie for him.

That doesn't mean you can't all be amicable - you can! - but he has done a terrible thing, in particular to his children, and needs to take responsibility for it.

I think people fixate a little bit too much on occasions, how they'll work, how you'll feel etc. Life happens 365 days a year, I would worry and put more thought into how that's going to work. I'm seperated 6 years now and have done lots of the occasions, shared and otherwise and it works itself out and gets easier over time. I really wouldn't fixate on it.

OP, you are clearly a lovely person who is so used to putting other people first. However, it is time to think about you and to let other people take care of you. If you lie for him, you are still putting him first, there is no need now. You can say you aren't ready to talk about it, but it's definitely over, most family will respect that.

I'm willing to bet you will have nicer Christmases without him, even if they go to him occasionally or on Boxing day, than if you plaster on a smile and have him there, he brings a new girlfriend, you tidy up after him, he produces big Disney Dad gifts/doesn't contribute so you have to pretend your gifts are also from him... you won't enjoy these occasions and your kids will be happier seeing you happy. You will have a lot of lovely times with them, different than you'd planned but no less lovely as a result.

It is possible for some break ups to make it work, but they aren't break ups where the man has behaved so horribly while his wife had two children.

Best of luck telling your family, whatever you decide to tell them, it will be a weight lifted.

A, definitely. Why are you giving your DH (who quite frankly sounds like a disgrace) a get out of jail/saving his face card?!

Sorry he's done this but it sounds like at least you can move forwards now.

I’d tell everyone what he did. He didn’t have a ons, he had an emotional and physical 4 year relationship. Screw him. But I’d be very dignified and matter of fact.

Tell them the truth.

Feel for you OP, doesn't sound like he'll be around much anyway due to his work.
I'd definitely tell the truth, your family will want to support you, that's what we're here for to support our loved ones in times of trouble.
Does he want to stay with you?
I'd kick him to the kerb 💐

Option A. Even with option B there is no telling what might happen in the future around celebration days etc. I’m sorry this has happened.