To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

Bloody hell, tell the truth, you will explode if you keep everthing in and have to lie to everyone on top of that.

You need support and love from those close, don't try to think of every situation in the future, you can't control all that.

The truth will also allow you to grieve for your relationship.
And for him to face the consequenses of his actions.

Take care

Tell them you dont want them trying to play matchmaker and encouraging you back together just rip the plaster off we have separated, why? he cheated, done

In your place - I’d ‘separate under the same roof’ for now. With a tiny baby and a toddler - these times are just too hard to manage on your own.
Do you have a guest room or a couch he can sleep on?

There is no point trying to lie as it won’t seem believable in your situation. No one decides to separate right after a baby. Or they’ll think you are deep in PND.
And also - in the long term - he’ll move on either with OW or a new partner - so there won’t really be joint celebrations. Or, if there are, adults can all learn to get along for the sake of the kids.

Sorry about it all.

Tell the truth. I kept it hidden for awhile , but the strain nearly killed me. You do not have to cover up his deceit . Your family will support you and do what ever you want them to.
I think you are being too forward thinking. Somehow , I cant imagine that you will actually want him at any family events . He can make his own plans.
Sorry this has happened to you and with such young kids. Look after yourself and get the best financial settlement you can.

A

the truth 🌺

Keep the peace?! My head almost fucking exploded.

Why in the fuck would you take any responsibility for this fuckwits actions? Hell should freeze over before you cover for this man.

Let the fucker burn in the hell he has created for himself.

You must tell the truth. You will need support, and how will they feel when the truth comes out? Added to which why should you protect him? This is down to choices and actions he made, he needs to accept the consequences

The Truth.. Or this won't be just a one off lie, it will go on and on.
Why should you lie for him to protect/shield them from the truth. These things happen
It's not up to them to be angry. Its up to them to SUPPORT YOU!!!! and that means they have to recognise that this is happening to you and not to them. It is your life! and your children's life. They don't get to make it all about them and special occasions.
If you want him to come to some of these occasions for the children's sake, its not up to them to make this impossible. Its up to them to help you.
Its tough for them, but it's happening most of all to you and you need to focus on what you want, and what you need to do, not worry about their reactions. If they are unreasonable about it you have to tell them straight what you expect/need and its then up to them to get over themselves and help you or step back if they can't handle it.
I hope you get a chance to be frank with them, but please tell the truth it will just tie you up in wild knots otherwise and you don't deserve that.

ps. I thought you explained it quite well in your op, the choices before you and perhaps you could explain it to them in the same way and particularly about how exhausted you are with the whole thing. You need some loving support from them and accept that if they are angry its on your behalf, but you may need to tell them its not helpful and that you need them to be practical.

There is no point trying to lie as it won’t seem believable in your situation. No one decides to separate right after a baby. Or they’ll think you are deep in PND
This.

You need your family's support and they're bound to see through it anyway. Don't lie about it in the misguided belief that it'll keep up appearances. It won't and your cheating husband doesn't deserve you making life easier for him.

pps sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think you did the right thing keeping a lid on it when all that was going on, what an awful time for things to come to a head, but at least you do have a loving family, I'm sure you will get through this with their help.

@Eekay

Definitely A. I really think it'll come out anyway as I don't see how you'll be able to hide your pain if you're close to your family. And why on earth should you? You've had a horrible shock on top of being post-partum. Tell someone so they can support you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

The truth. It will come out anyway and you should not be covering for him. His behavior - his shame! You may find that you will not "lose out" on time with the children. Fathers tend to drift off, especially when they have new female partners.

Definitely A - because you deserve all the support you can get, and also to avoid wishful comments about you getting back together.

Thanks everyone for your replies. @Aquamarine1029 honestly, this is how feel and I completely agree with what you say. I guess I just questioned it because I really don’t want to miss out on things with my girls because we’re having to basically share them.. it just breaks my heart! I think because there so young too, only 18 months & 9 weeks so the thought of this is just awful. I feel there missing out on a family life that they deserve, instead of being passed from pillar to post for the rest of their lives, the thought beings tears to my eyes! & I guess I thought about it too to just do without all the animosity that I know it would bring, but only for their sake, and like that, so they can have celebrations/Xmas etc with us both and both our families without me thinking I’m going to have Jerry Springer action in the room. I’m so angry at times, when I think about my kids and it all just pulls on my heart strings.

You have so much emotional stuff going on at the moment - the joy of your new born baby but you will also be exhausted and then the emotions you are going through about your grandma. You will need your Family support at this difficult time and I hope they will be there for you when they find out about your husband.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

you are not responsible for softening the impact on ANYONE.Theres no way you wont feel (repeated )the real life effect on kids.
Rest of the world can think what like.Youre aware the anger will be felt,at him.you gony be supported.and girl you very need that just now.
you dont need justify yourself to anyone cos hes fkt up.nor does ANYONE else dictate your reactions.if you are (considering fib)capable of withstanding "amicable" re xmas etc(it is possible,i can bout manage a kiss on cheek(stand on toes tho)then it undoes the argumet you need to lie.
was it a secret pregnancy?nope,thought not.
honestly..i am so sorry for your loss. am not being snidey-congratulations on new baby.
You arent responsible for his actions. love yourself and the kids but dont compromise who you are to accomodate his shitshow. YOU really,really matter way more than that.(f++k him)

A

Secrets and lies. Poison to your emotional life. If you tell it burns very hot but everyone processes. If you don't tell, everyone wonders why you're so angry/sad/whatever and blames you, until they find out when they blame you for not telling. And lying.

You need to tell your family the truth about about what happened with your husband. The reality is he been cheating on you for the past 4 years when you been pregnant and had 2 children with him. Why should he be let off after his behaviour?
If you split up without telling them the truth they will think is due to pnd.
You need their support. Before you do anything thing I gather up all financial information is bank statements, tax details, records of pensions, savings ect and get legal advice.
I would make sure that he can't hide money ect once he knows your getting a divorce. I also sort out getting maintenance and let him know that he will have mind the kids as well. He can't leave everything to you after all he has done.
The reality is that your right to end things with him because he will cheat on you again or go back to her. It would be worse if you split up in a few years time because it would effect your kids far more then.
You deserve better than this waste of space of a man. Take care of yourself.

Hi OP. I commented on your other thread and have wondered about you since. I assume that he has stayed away. You were sticking to your guns when he begged to work it out.

It’s A all the way. Anything less will impede your recovery.

You are about truth, honesty and self-respect...so, keep it up. Be authentic. Don’t diminish and sabotage yourself by lying. Tell your loved ones the truth. Surround yourself with their love and support. Establish a healthy, stable co-parenting relationship with your Ex and insist that your family follow your lead. You have agency here, and can invite him to visit, celebrate, etc. if you want. Keep your boundaries strong and it should work out well.

I am very sorry about your Gran.

Fuck that. You owe him nothing.

Please tell the truth- you need support. He will lie anyway about the reasons to support his agenda and you deserve the support of those around you knowing the truth. Be kind to yourself, not him.

A

Be honest with your family. They can support you over the next difficult times ahead. This is still raw and comes at what is already a hard time.

It may take some time but you can learn to be tolerant to share experiences. School plays etc.

Your family will be angry I am sure at how he has treated you. They may well give him chance so that he can be a proper dad. Do be prepared for the fact that he will let you down at points which will anger family members. How he handles the divorce will set the scene for future possible shared family events.

Tell the truth if you lie to a family that you are close to they won’t buy it anyway. They will speculate and come to the correct conclusion anyway.

@wifterwafter

You can say you're separating and when they ask for a reason you can say that it's not up for discussion at the moment.

Take one day at a time, you've been through a rough few months.

This.

The choices are a) tell all, b) lie or c) be honest that you're not ready to discuss yet but had good reason.

I really thinking lying would be the wrong option.