To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

I'd go with A. There's no way to know if the truth will out at a later date, better to be honest.

im 26 weeks pregnant and found out 4 weeks ago my partner was cheating on me with a young girl from work.

I was absolutely devastated (still am), but not because ive lost him, because my children have lost a 'family unit', one before she's even born. everyone tells me its his loss, but in reality its not just his loss, its all of ours because of his stupid, pointless decision.

I told both our families what he had done. purely because im not living a lie and watching him get off lightly, but I agree with the family occasions.

he spent the day with us on Christmas day/new year for my sons birthday, my sister/ dad refuse to be around him, my mum&grandma etc have been very amicable and have been in the house whilst he has been. its up to them if they want to speak to him etc, but im doing whats best for my children.

im sure things will change inn the future, when he thinks his OW can be involved with the kids etc, but for now im just trying to navigate the car crash he created and then walked away from.

you have every ounce of my empathy, I know exactly how you feel. what I am determined about however, is that I make the rules now, and he sees the children on my terms. when they're older we will 'share', but now everything care wise is done at my house, even if it means I have to be around him. theyre far too little to be leaving me, especially when I don't trust a word he says.

pick A, you need all the support you can get.

Don't cover it up! It is hard to tell your family that your DH has had an affaire but you can't keep a secret like that ..........it will eat you up! The truth is likely to come out eventually anyway...........

It's up to you to make sure your family don't badmouth your kids father in front of them ..........it's hard but it can be done.

A counsellor told me that my DH didn't hold all the cards. We think they do because usually they earn more than we do and lack of money is a big problem for us when we split.

A few men go on to be alright after they split, but it is the case that very often they end up worse off. I remember my DB, the only person who supported me, telling me that out of his group of 9 couples, only he and his DW were still together. He said that of the 8 men, only one was happier and the other 7 all lived in a flat and were alone and miserable.

My point to you is that when we feel like shit, at times like this, it is usual to think worse case. Honestly, he will be the one to lose out. I hope his 4-year of lies was worth losing his wife, children, extended family, respect of his own family, his friends, his peers, his colleagues (maybe even his job when they find out) and at least 50% of his assets. He has lost a lot. What an expensive itch.

Honesty is the best policy.

To your close friends and family:

X and I have separated.He has been having a long term affair.I do not wish to reconcile.We will be co parenting the children.

To everyone else.

X and I have separated.

If you go with option B it could only work if your daughter's also did not know the truth. So fast forward 6 years, they are living their normal life which is parents in two different homes. Everyone gets together for Xmas as one happy jolly unit but unbeknownst to all except possibly him, you have a dagger in your heart and are playing happy families. It is a ghastly alternate parody of the version you really wanted for them and as such is poison. Best to create lovely festive memories another honest way.
Meanwhile tell all your support network, by email if face to face is too hard.
But tell them what you need, tell them you are too fragile right now to bear witness to their anger, tell them you are still taking it all in, you are heart broken and grieving for the life and love you have lost and that them enfolding you and your daughter's in love is the response you really really need, that the rest should be discreetly managed away from you until such time as you are ready to share it.

Definitely A, although you don’t necessarily have to tell everyone the reason for splitting straight away.

Using B will make it seem like you’re to blame as much as him, but he’s the guilty one in this situation.

Just because you are separated, it doesn’t mean he can’t attend celebrations etc. You may be able to find a way of co-parenting where he is actively involved.

I remember your last thread. He was so heartless to have children and get married all while he was shagging someone else.

He could have released you from your relationship and then you could have found someone else to treat you better and have a family with.

He doesn't deserve the truth being kept from anyone, he doesn't deserve nice shared birthdays and Christmas's and people saying "oh its such a shame, you two are so good together "

He deserves nothing.

Absolutely tell your family and close friends the truth! They need to know this to support YOU.

He doesn’t deserve the kindness of lying for him, he’s lied to you all and will continue to do so.

You need the care and support they’re going to give you.

Your kids deserve that kindness and support too.

Otherwise somehow your stbx will drop in the odd gem and make it look like your fault and they’ll believe him cos he’s an experienced and accomplished liar.

To acquaintances, you only need to say that you’re splitting up. It’s literally no business of people who aren’t close

A.
Anything else will probably come back to bite you in the face.

To be honest, nobody will believe you if you go with the first option..............................................(just saying......)

Ahhh, sorry I meant second option obviously. Nobody will believe you if you say it is amicable and no one at fault x

@icouldwriteabook I’m so sorry to hear that, it’s really awful, and like you say, it’s not just their loss, it’s all of us that lose out, it truly affects us all. I really hope you’re ok and I’m so sad this has happened to you, sad for both of us! Sending love to you and thanks for replying

@callmeadoctor

To be honest, nobody will believe you if you go with the first option..............................................(just saying......)

Sorry OP, go for Option A x

100% the truth. Let him go to court to get every other Xmas. He chose his path.

You need the support of your family to get through this, and you won’t get it if they don’t know what happened.

If he is that close to your family there is a high likelihood they won’t support you on an “amicable” divorce, I would go as far as saying that he will become the victim as he doesn’t want you to leave him and your family will side with him. I am afraid you need to tell them, otherwise you will be on this on your own.

Definitely A - this is his shit, not yours, don't cover for him!

Along those lines, why do you have to share them on big occasions? He's the one that fucked his entire family off for the sake of an affair! If he'd left because he was unhappy, that would be different, but his actions impact the whole family. He can have them for a, couple of hours Chrsitmas morning or Boxing day etc. IMO.

If you cover up for him it will vary your own reputation under a cloud when the truth comes out, you don't want that year brush sticking to you, because although it's understandable today and you can explain it, give years down the line people might wonder why you did that, had you condoned the affair etc and you don't want those questions even arising.
Your daughter's will have many happy times, and in some ways the fact they are so young is a protective thing, your response to this dreadful betrayal will be part of their story too and when they are adult and proudly know that daddy might be feckless but mummy flies a gleaming white flag for honesty and trust in relationships, you will have given them that which is priceless.

Tar brush

Four YEARS. During which he got married to you, conceived two children... he really, really, really doesn’t deserve you making things easier for him.

Please don’t worry about special occasions right now. Don’t worry about the future too much. It will right itself in time, you can co-parent with him and you’ll learn to love the life you do have, not the future you thought was going to be yours. Your DC are so young they won’t know any different and hopefully you will be able to have amicable times together if you’re both committed to that as a principle.

Your family will be livid with him. I’m livid with him and I don’t know you. But you sound strong, they sound loving - and being able to support you may give your parents a focus right now that they welcome. They’ll do the best by you and if that means in time they need to be civil and forgive the bloke who’s treated their daughter/sister so badly I’m sure they will.

Tell the truth, he's done this not you! Hope your ok

By the way, splitting up is not a failure, it is what people with a spine do when things no longer work for them.

Divorce doesn’t damage kids, what damages them is seeing all the arguments and toxicity before the split. Your kids are more likely to be damaged by growing in a home where mum is resentful because dad is a long term cheater, it is not only growing in a toxic family but modelling what a relationship should be like on what they see at home. So stop feeling guilty about what life your kids will live, you are choosing the best of two bad options. Besides, no better time to split than when the kids are younger, they will not know any different. The longer you wait the more problematic it is.

So sorry OP, what a fucking arsehole!

I can fully understand where you're coming from but even with the best will in the world, you won't be able to have all the nice times together either way- maybe for a little while but he will move on and more importantly, so will you.

Please confide in your family, of course they will be mad and hurt for you but you could always ask them for some restraint for your children's sake for any joint celebrations, you'll have to be amicable at some point so there's no reason why they can't hold their tongue for the odd day.

The truth will out OP, you will only tie yourself up in knots and look like a mug when it does.

I suspect it’s more that you’re having a hard time dealing with it yourself and don’t want it to be out there. You will come to terms with it in time.

Please remember he isn't a good df. He always knew there was a great chance his not even conceived /born dc would come from divorced dps given his antics. From birth he hasn't put them first. Don't be so quick to hand out Xmas and birthdays to him.