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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

294 replies

SiaSunday12 · 03/02/2021 22:53

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

OP posts:
Rowenasemolina · 04/02/2021 06:52

Another vote for tell the truth. Absolutely. Don’t embroil yourself in some sort of elaborate deceit which will inevitably unravel over time, leaving everyone resenting you for lying.

welliguessitwouldbenice · 04/02/2021 06:58

Option A. My nephew was 15 when I divorced my husband and so of course never knew of the abuse I endured. 12 years later, nephew was getting married and chose to invite my ex (who had spent time with my nephew doing sport when he was a kid) and presumed we’d all enjoy being seated together. Telling him at the time wasn’t appropriate but I wish I’d told him at some point in early adulthood.

I realise this isn’t your circumstances but you will likely get to a point of absolute intolerance, even hatred of you ex and will need to be supported.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/02/2021 07:11

The thing is, option B is no guarantee that birthdays and christmases etc will be spent together. You both might get new partners etc. Things change.

All the best op. Don't keep his dirty little secret for him.

seriousandloyal · 04/02/2021 07:16

Definitely A, tell the truth.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 04/02/2021 07:19

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

The thing is, option B is no guarantee that birthdays and christmases etc will be spent together. You both might get new partners etc. Things change.

All the best op. Don't keep his dirty little secret for him.

This

It's very unusual for exes to spend birthdays and Christmas together anyway, dont hide the truth for his sake. Why is it up to you to tell his family, have I misunderstood that bit?

Good luck with getting it all sorted

inquietant · 04/02/2021 07:22

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

The thing is, option B is no guarantee that birthdays and christmases etc will be spent together. You both might get new partners etc. Things change.

All the best op. Don't keep his dirty little secret for him.

Yes absolutely, it implies you imagine everything will stay the same.

I don't think option A is psychologically healthy for anyone, tbh, especially not the children.

tigger001 · 04/02/2021 07:30

You sound so strong and together OP although im sure sometimes you dont feel it Flowers

Honest is always the best policy, secrets and mistruths always come out in the end.

It is possible to carry on having lovely family birthdays and christmases all together, maybe not common but possible, but you need to be honest with everyone as to what caused the split. I think its best that you dont feel you are keeping this big lie ongoing to your family and you can be open and honest anout your hurt and heartbreak.

Stay strong FlowersFlowers

LadyWhistleUp · 04/02/2021 07:51

Do you really think you'll have the amicable relationship you describe OP? That he'd rather spend these celebrations with his ex-wife than his new partner (whoever that may be) who is is likely to go on and have other children with. Would they be invited at Christmas too?

You are romanticising the arrangement for your DC's sake but it seems unlikely to me that your dream would come true.

Option A would give you some space too.

Original poster
SiaSunday12 · 04/02/2021 07:55

Thanks again everyone. @AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair I wouldn’t tell his family, that is upto him.. Although we haven’t told anyone at all yet, as I just didn’t want all this coming out whilst my family were dealing with my Grandma being in hospital, then passing away, so I wanted to wait for things to settle a bit. Obviously I have thought about just telling everyone it’s a mutual decision to separate (ie me telling my family and him telling his, or doing it together), just so we can save some animosity and still do have things together for our children’s sake, and also so I don’t have to endure Christmas, birthdays and celebrations without them. I just don’t know that it would work, both families knowing what’s happened, and still being able to come together etc, I wonder if there would be a horrible atmosphere. I understand that it is probably unusual for families who are separated to do things like this together, but I just can’t stand the thought of being without my kids at times like these, because of his actions.. maybe I’m being selfish. It all just feels so sad. My Mum and Dad have me and my sister, we are also 16 months apart, and our girls have the same age gap, so I think they will worry about me too, knowing how difficult it can be, and I suppose that was another reason to maybe just tell them it’s mutual. Maybe if I see them worry, maybe I’ll start worrying too thinking how on earth I’ll do this...

OP posts:
WhatWouldZenoDo · 04/02/2021 07:58

Tell the /ruth so he cant take control of the narrative later

You want to protect him from people you both know thinking badly of him, but how will you feel when people judge you more harshly than they judge him for breaking up the family, or if while you have 100% of the responsibility and he enjoys freedom at your expense, you complain how hard it is and somebody says well you left on a whim

Original poster
SiaSunday12 · 04/02/2021 08:04

@LadyWhistleUp I do agree, for me the relationship will never be the same. It would really just be amicable for their sake, to prevent all the heartache in their life of 2 parents who hate each other, and all the upset I feel that would bring them.. I’d be quite happy to do all of the above on my own with them, but I suppose I thought about this as an option so that he could visit, so we didn’t need to split occasions etc. I don’t know that I could cope. I guess I’m just thinking about all the things I had as a child, family holidays, days out, and all the milestones of starting school and grieving for a life I thought we would give them.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 04/02/2021 08:06

Tell the truth, and tell your kids the truth when they ask.

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/02/2021 08:08

Always the truth.

Loopy3585 · 04/02/2021 08:08

I think you should go for option A. I say this as it might be at first you can do everything together as a family still for birthdays, Christmas etc. But then what happens when he gets a new girlfriend? You’ll have made everyone think it’s mutual so he can save face and still attend these things, then a new relationship comes along and he wants to do it separately anyway ? I’m sorry you’re having to go through this

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/02/2021 08:12

I’ll tell you now: if you lie at this stage you will feel resentment in time. Then if you tell the truth later (which you will) you’ll receive a response that will make you even more resentful as everybody will forgive him aside from the person who was deeply wounded by him - you.

So hold onto your truth and deliver it to those who need to know in the best way you can.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/02/2021 08:13

Honestly. No one will believe that this was a mutual decision when you have such a young baby. Also, he will take advantage of your lie to make himself look better.

You don't have to go into all the details but I'd be honest about a 4 year affair.

WhatWouldZenoDo · 04/02/2021 08:14

Tell people "ill tell you when im ready" that way, he cant live it up with his freedom while you wrangle over money only for him to remind inlaws, friends and parents "she wanted this!".

Tell people you will tell them the truth when it is a littl÷ less painful.

I remember wanting to collude in the cover up. Dont. It will benefit him at yr expense.

WhatWouldZenoDo · 04/02/2021 08:15

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’ll tell you now: if you lie at this stage you will feel resentment in time. Then if you tell the truth later (which you will) you’ll receive a response that will make you even more resentful as everybody will forgive him aside from the person who was deeply wounded by him - you.

So hold onto your truth and deliver it to those who need to know in the best way you can.

So true.
Arrivederla · 04/02/2021 08:15

A.
What if you tell everyone it was mutual, and then at some point in the future he starts to insinuate that you were largely at fault (maybe even says that to your girls when they are older)? You will feel devastated but it will be difficult to get the truth out years later.

WhatWouldZenoDo · 04/02/2021 08:18

@Arrivederla

A. What if you tell everyone it was mutual, and then at some point in the future he starts to insinuate that you were largely at fault (maybe even says that to your girls when they are older)? You will feel devastated but it will be difficult to get the truth out years later.
Absolutely. He will do this as soon as op wants a bit less responsivility and a bit more freedom.

"She wanted this!" he'll remind everybody.

I hope you have been concinced that we can all see the future here! 🔮

goldielockdown2 · 04/02/2021 08:18

Neither option/a blend of both. Meaning have things your way. But be prepared. You might find he will let you down on future family occasions.

TitInATrance · 04/02/2021 08:20

Option A. Tell them when you feel ready but in the meantime perhaps just say he’s done something utterly unforgivable.

Lies are what created this situation, please don’t normalise them. It will come out at some point and your DC need to know that you are a truthful, trustworthy person.

Aminuts23 · 04/02/2021 08:23

Another vote for telling the truth. Do it in your own time in your own way. It’s not to punish him but to move on with your life without lies. You can still be amicable in the long term and both be good parents.

bigvig · 04/02/2021 08:24

I'm sorry OP but you are not going to get your joint celebrations together whatever you do. He will meet someone else. Would you want her over? What if he stays with the OW? Maybe he will just lose interest and then you will feel resentful that you've hidden the truth for him and now he can't be arsed to see his children. Hard as it may be I think you have to accept the future is not going to be what you wanted, whatever you do. So tell the truth, get some support. If you don't the truth will gnaw away at you anyway. You could certainly go for majority custody and then you would have most of the celebrations. How hands on is he as father? Will he want Joint custody? I doubt someone who has been shagging around whilst his wife has been pregnant is going to step up now and want to be too involved.

borntohula · 04/02/2021 08:26

Give yourself some time and then decide.