To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

Op, throughout our relationships we are expected to care for the needs of the families, and some times that conditioning is so strong we insist in caring and protecting those who have wronged us.

He is not your responsibility, he cannot deal with the consequences of his actions while you are protecting him from the reality and significance of what he has done to you.

You are trying to ensure he continues to be part of your world and family regardless of his affair, you are planning to absorb part of the blame he needs yo take himself. You really need to stop thinking of him as part of your team, he is no longer so, he betrayed you and now, you need to focus on what YOU need rather than what he needs.

His relationship with his kids depends on him, you can turn yourself backwards to accommodate a happy continuation of family life. Divorce is NOT a marriage with two houses, you both will move on and lose the support you get and influence you have on each other.

Put yourself first, because it is obvious he won’t do the same for you, you have long term proof of that.

I was where you are now last summer OP, when I found out my H was having a 2 year long affair with a work colleague. I was ashamed that he thought so little of me, and I also still cared for him and wasn't ready for everyone else to hate him even though I knew he and I were finished. Anyway, I chose option A, and I told people at my own pace. My family after a few weeks, and then my close friends. I'm glad I did, and I got the support I needed. I was also clear that my priority was co-parenting amicably and ensuring my children continued to have a good relationship with their father. My family and friends have honoured that, and we all get on well. I'm sure they have their own opinions on him, but they don't slate him to me as that really wouldn't make me feel any better, I'm more focused on moving on. But if I do need a rant, they listen. We've had a birthday party for my son since which was fine, both sides got on and chatted. And he spent Christmas morning here with us for a few hours. I'm confident we can all get on in the future. That's all I want, I just want my children to be safe, happy and secure, and for them not to feel any tension or animosity between their parents. He isn't with the OW which probably helps.

As for everyone else, it's common knowledge that we're separated, and I imagine rumours have spread around as to why. But nobody has asked me, and my friends and family don't feed gossip back which suits me just fine. It's hard but you sound really solid and level headed, you'll do what's right for you and your children. The very best of luck to you.

Definitely go with the truth. Why should you protect the duplicitous bastard?
Sure, some people will maybe take his side, but do you want them in your life if they have so little respect for you?
Look after yourself and your children x

Definitely A. In addition to all the other reasons listed here, another one is that the truth should be established somewhere with some reliable family members. My abusive ex did this re an affair at work when DS was a tiny baby and despite so much evidence to the contrary DS still believes that the reason we split up is because I was 'controlling'... because that's what my ex has told him. And the fact that the divorce papers state adultery is apparently only because I put that and made his dad sign it. so I think it's worth having a good group of people who the DC trust in later life that know the truth, so that when they ask someone 'objective' can tell them. I've been amazed at how difficult it has been for the truth to be understood and accepted

@Eeedee

I was where you are now last summer OP, when I found out my H was having a 2 year long affair with a work colleague. I was ashamed that he thought so little of me, and I also still cared for him and wasn't ready for everyone else to hate him even though I knew he and I were finished. Anyway, I chose option A, and I told people at my own pace. My family after a few weeks, and then my close friends. I'm glad I did, and I got the support I needed. I was also clear that my priority was co-parenting amicably and ensuring my children continued to have a good relationship with their father. My family and friends have honoured that, and we all get on well. I'm sure they have their own opinions on him, but they don't slate him to me as that really wouldn't make me feel any better, I'm more focused on moving on. But if I do need a rant, they listen. We've had a birthday party for my son since which was fine, both sides got on and chatted. And he spent Christmas morning here with us for a few hours. I'm confident we can all get on in the future. That's all I want, I just want my children to be safe, happy and secure, and for them not to feel any tension or animosity between their parents. He isn't with the OW which probably helps.

As for everyone else, it's common knowledge that we're separated, and I imagine rumours have spread around as to why. But nobody has asked me, and my friends and family don't feed gossip back which suits me just fine. It's hard but you sound really solid and level headed, you'll do what's right for you and your children. The very best of luck to you.

Wow, you seem to have managed a difficult situation with uncommon grace and equanimity. I hope your ex husband knows how lucky he is!

Tell the truth. Don't exaggerate, just say it like it is which is dreadful and cruel and horrible for you and your children. Let him stew.

I’m so sorry you are going through all this , but I think you should tell your family the truth , but in your own time . As previous posters have said if you want your ex to be included in birthdays etc , that is your decision & they should respect that for the sake of your children.

@marly11 that is sad but not surprising.
When your son is in a relationship he may have insights. I hope so 🤞

It is important to have the truth heard.

That's horrible
Do what you feel is right
How about you both choose to go separate ways because of is infidelity.
It is not to be ashamed of.
Seriously your children will come to accept it possibly easier while they are so young. It seems daunting but eventually it becomes your way of life and working out special occasions the kids do love having a mix of family and sharing is usually fun for them. I do understand you want it the way you intended as a family unit.
Do not feel guilt
Look after yourself and you really need to have support while your adjusting to your newborn.
Remember to let yourself go through the emotions but try keep your head up and pride for yourself and your children.
You didn't choose to ruin your family he did.
Talk it out will let you hear yourself and vent out those emotions.

Sadly, the anger usually comes when the cheating partner starts realizing they are going to lose money, house, savings in a divorce & not have enough access to their children facilitated when & where they deem into be their right
I think the "happy divorce scenario" is totally dependant on the way he behaves. at the moment he is hanging his head with remorse & expects in his demented mind to be forgiven. It will not last.
He is duplicitous, lying, cocky bastard, this is the reality of the person you are dealing with. 4 years, (its unfathomable why he went through with the marriage, never mind having babies) & now he apparently has thrown her aside ? all for what ?
Sorry I digress, My heart goes out to you. Do what is best for you & your children, he comes a very very low loser's 4th place.

Tell the truth and ask your family to respect that you want it to be civil for birthdays etc. Yes they will be upset and angry but they will want to do what's best for you when the dust has settled.

Thanks, I always thought I'd be someone who would go crazy and try and destroy anyone who treated me like that. In reality I can only explain it as above all else I want my children to be OK. And I can see how my soon to be ex husband has already been destroyed by this, he has ruined everything and lost all that is important. He has serious depression, financial problems, and he did what he did because something is broke within him, not me. So there is no joy in ruining him further, he is broken. I honestly just want him to be ok and to be able to be a decent father and have a good relationship with his children. I've probably worried about him more than myself over the past year as I know I will be ok.

@Eeedee

Thanks, I always thought I'd be someone who would go crazy and try and destroy anyone who treated me like that. In reality I can only explain it as above all else I want my children to be OK. And I can see how my soon to be ex husband has already been destroyed by this, he has ruined everything and lost all that is important. He has serious depression, financial problems, and he did what he did because something is broke within him, not me. So there is no joy in ruining him further, he is broken. I honestly just want him to be ok and to be able to be a decent father and have a good relationship with his children. I've probably worried about him more than myself over the past year as I know I will be ok.

I think that's exactly right, we should want for our children's sake if nothing else, that they have two stable parents who are able to be there for their children in all they ways that matter, emotionally, financially etc. To seek to make things substantially worse than it needs to be only damages the children ultimately and then you have two bad guys....still not easy though, you have my total respect

Thank you, it funnily enough really means a lot to me to hear that.

@Eeedee

I was where you are now last summer OP, when I found out my H was having a 2 year long affair with a work colleague. I was ashamed that he thought so little of me, and I also still cared for him and wasn't ready for everyone else to hate him even though I knew he and I were finished. Anyway, I chose option A, and I told people at my own pace. My family after a few weeks, and then my close friends. I'm glad I did, and I got the support I needed. I was also clear that my priority was co-parenting amicably and ensuring my children continued to have a good relationship with their father. My family and friends have honoured that, and we all get on well. I'm sure they have their own opinions on him, but they don't slate him to me as that really wouldn't make me feel any better, I'm more focused on moving on. But if I do need a rant, they listen. We've had a birthday party for my son since which was fine, both sides got on and chatted. And he spent Christmas morning here with us for a few hours. I'm confident we can all get on in the future. That's all I want, I just want my children to be safe, happy and secure, and for them not to feel any tension or animosity between their parents. He isn't with the OW which probably helps.

As for everyone else, it's common knowledge that we're separated, and I imagine rumours have spread around as to why. But nobody has asked me, and my friends and family don't feed gossip back which suits me just fine. It's hard but you sound really solid and level headed, you'll do what's right for you and your children. The very best of luck to you.

Thank you so much for your reply @Eeedee You are so strong, and sound settled in your new life with your children. I’m glad that telling your family, and still being able to have an amicable relationship has worked out for you. Ultimately that’s what I want, to prevent all the animosity for the sake of our children, growing up with parents who are separated, and have been basically all of their lives. I’ve felt really angry, and I’ve also been really emotional.. honestly now, I don’t think I feel anything. I feel upset for my girls, I think that’s the thing that’s really pulling at my heart strings the most. Like I said in the first post, I thought maybe I’d need to tell this lie just to keep some peace in my life, but I’m glad you’ve given your experience that I can tell the truth, get the support from my family, but also still have an amicable relationship, I just need to lay down the rules that it’s what I need for our daughters sake. I don’t this to affect them throughout their lives, and that’s what matters most. Thanks again for your reply.

I empathize entirely, it's the overwhelming feeling that this could screw up your children, and wanting to protect them at all costs. But it won't, because you'll always put them first. Mine are 5 and 6 and have adjusted well. I don't think they understand what all of it means yet to be honest, but they know we don't live together anymore, and yet we're all still family, and they know they're really loved and safe. In a way you're lucky that yours are so young, they won't ever know any different. I get really sad when I hear them talking about when Daddy used to live here - even though it's in a very matter of fact manner.

I'm also guessing you're a little like me in that you're a bit of a people pleaser and generally tend to put others before yourself.. You will now need to learn to put yourself first, and what you need, and while it will be difficult, it will also be so rewarding. You can do this, you're already a great mother, and by taking this time to consider your next move, you can proceed with deliberation and care. This doesn't have to be utterly explosive and devastating.

I think A the truth. Yes there will be animosity - a 4 year affair while you got married and had not 1 but 2 little children. You need to let your family feel what they feel, but that doesn’t mean you can’t say at family events you all behave calmly and respect your wishes.

The truth,you are going to need all the support you can get x