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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

294 replies

SiaSunday12 · 03/02/2021 22:53

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

OP posts:
MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting · 04/02/2021 08:32

Option A, when my parents separated, they told us it was a joint decision (we were young adults) years down the line my dad feels hurt that we never got mad/upset/blamed our mum for the break up, mum had an affair.

Also you most likely wont get the Christmas and birthdays together anyway, one or both of you will meet someone new, the dynamics will change. He also probably wont want to come to your family for all these things, he'll want time with his children in his own home/extended family.

Hope you're ok, your husband is a dick.

Yewrobin · 04/02/2021 08:32

It simplest to keep with the truth OP . He’s already proved he can’t be trusted so I wouldn’t rely on him to just willingly go along with shared celebrations or to play fair financially

ekidmxcl · 04/02/2021 08:33

Do not lie to your family about this.

What he has done is horrific. I wonder if you are still in the shock stage. You can by all means say that you would like everything to remain civil so that your kids can have all of their families at their birthdays etc but you are going to need support. How would you feel if your family thought: Silly Sia, she’s got rid of her husband because of post natal hormones and she’ll regret throwing him away. And then any hardships to follow, people may think you brought them upon yourself. Whereas the truth is that he’s behaved monstrously, destroyed the family

You speak very calmly. I think you are still in shock. This is a horrible, life changing bombshell and you must get family support.

Sorry OP.

Isadora2007 · 04/02/2021 08:37

Your children will be fine and won’t even know any difference if you separate now. You won’t want to or need to do everything together as he’s an arsehole who was literally shagging someone else when you made your girls together and started a family. What kind of “man” even does that? Why does he get the family days after acting like that? Fuck that.
You can have the birthdays as you gave birth to your girls. He can see them alongside you IF you feel like he is welcome and if you don’t then he can have his contact time either later that day or a different one. Same for Xmas for now. He broke the marriage so he can atone by agreeing you don’t need to miss out on these days and he will be the one fitting around you.
I’d also tell his family- in the sense that they deserve to know the truth and if he doesn’t tell them then you will. How he acts now could go some way to helping how things are between your families etc. Ie if he really does regret it he won’t be a knob and will step up and support you and be a good dad and make this horrible situation as easy on you as possible.
I suspect he won’t do that though. So tell the truth and hold your head up high. Your girls will still have a great life.

randomer · 04/02/2021 08:37

You will be in shock. The children doesn't know anything about shared celebrations so no harm done.

This is something to negotiate possibly, further down the line.
Focus on yourself, get help, don't worry about things like Christmas now.

Original poster
SiaSunday12 · 04/02/2021 08:39

I'm sorry OP but you are not going to get your joint celebrations together whatever you do. He will meet someone else. Would you want her over? What if he stays with the OW? Maybe he will just lose interest and then you will feel resentful that you've hidden the truth for him and now he can't be arsed to see his children. Hard as it may be I think you have to accept the future is not going to be what you wanted, whatever you do. So tell the truth, get some support. If you don't the truth will gnaw away at you anyway. You could certainly go for majority custody and then you would have most of the celebrations. How hands on is he as father? Will he want Joint custody? I doubt someone who has been shagging around whilst his wife has been pregnant is going to step up now and want to be too involved.

Thanks for all your replies. I know @bigvig, maybe I just need to accept that the life I had hoped for/planned won’t exist and that’s it in a nutshell. I suppose as the saying goes, it could always be worse... Apparently he has broken it off with OW, but you never know really, if it’s not her, I’m sure someone else will come along like you say. He is hands on, but he works full time and works away for 6 weeks at a time, 3 times a year. This is a 5 hour drive so he would normally come home on a Friday then leaves again on a Sunday. He isn’t there just now due to travel restrictions but he is still working.

OP posts:
SavannahMiasMum · 04/02/2021 08:40

Don’t hide things for him he was the one that cheated so he should face the consequences of his actions.
Definitely tell the truth

Beautiful3 · 04/02/2021 08:41

Tell the truth. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Mix56 · 04/02/2021 08:41

Do not lie to your family. They will try to find ways to reconcile you, at some point you will either slip up or they will cotton on.
However you can still say you are planning an amicable divorce so that the DDs do not suffer & ask them to accept that.
There still will be times though, when both of you move on, him possibly with this OW, when your respective families will want their own Xmas etc... ultimately you wont be able to avoid it

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 04/02/2021 08:42

You owe it to your children to be truthful and honest. Don’t start your life with them on a lie.

There may be times when they are older when they get upset about the fact their parents are together and if they think it was mutual they might blame you, and this might damage their relationship with you. Don’t let this happen. Don’t be vindictive, but be honest about your DHs failings.

You can establish a mutually respectful parenting relationship going forward but not if it is built on lies and secrecy.

ParadiseIsland · 04/02/2021 08:45

Truth all the way.
Esp because you’re s deserve (at some point, not now and for a very long time) know the truth too.

Imo saying it was a mutual decision is just protecting him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/02/2021 08:49

definitely tell the truth. Ignore the future for now-no one can see how that will work out. What you need to focus on is the here and now, and what you need to get through. And what you need is your family’s full help and support. Lies won’t help because it will come out and then your family will be “why did you not just tell us that at the beginning?”
Get the help and support you need.Flowers

Bubbles1st · 04/02/2021 08:49

Even if you tell the truth that shouldn't stop you deciding you would like him around for shared occasions. Your family should be able to accept your wishes.

They don't need to know all the awful sordid details and length of time etc. That in my eyes is what would make them be furious. The length of deceit and disrespect

However if you want him to play a very active parent role then that's your decision only.

PositiveNegative · 04/02/2021 08:50

You need a comms plan.

  1. For close family and friends, it's 'H had an affair, we are separating'
  2. For everyone else, it's 'H and I are separating'
  3. Decided whether you are bothered about anyone in 2. being told about 1. I wouldn't be. But you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, and to be fair to yourself and your H, you just don't need to go into this much detail. Anyone who asks, just say, 'we've agreed not to talk about the details with anyone outside close family and friends'. You don't have to say that it was a mutual decision by default.
  4. Deal with attendance at future events completely separately as and when the need arises.
Jeremyironseverything · 04/02/2021 08:50

The truth is best.

Chocolino · 04/02/2021 08:50

OP, to have an affair for 4 years whilst you get married, are newlywed, and have 2 babies takes a special kind of selfish, callous, self-centered, lacking in compassion and empathy horrible bastard. When I read your post I immediately thought of the term Narcissistic Sociopath.

Right now your mind has tripped to the worst-case scenario. That you will be without your DD's on special occasions. This is the WCS and probably won't happen. I very highly doubt that your DH will be able to drag himself away from his own selfish needs to focus on your young DD's.

I would tell everyone what he has done. If you don't you will regret it. A while ago my DH was acting appallingly and treated me really badly. It wasn't an affair but it was pretty awful. In the end, I made noises about leaving him. I could not believe the grief and blame "I" got from my family about breaking it up and hurting my DC. We are still together but I will never forgive my family for their reaction to what I planned to do, even though he was awful to me.

If you say it is mutual, he will gain the upper hand. You MUST tell people what he has done. Judging by his behaviour, he cannot be trusted and he will as someone said above, control the narrative.

I doubt he will have as much to do with your DD's as you think. Also, if he broke up the family and moves onto someone else they are likely to have little to do with him when they reach early teens. I've seen this happen a lot. You will have to make a few sacrifices but not having this vile man around will also be bliss.

Ninkanink · 04/02/2021 08:51

Haven’t RTFT but absolutely tell the truth.

Sarahandco · 04/02/2021 08:52

100% tell the truth - because you have such a young baby and you will need your family to understand and be supportive.

If you had teenagers then you might be right to keep the peace in this way but definitely not in your situation.

Take care

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 08:52

A. The last thing you need is people telling you what a nice guy he is, can't you try again and are you sure it's not your fault.

Brefugee · 04/02/2021 08:53

I'm with whoever suggested option C (separating but can't talk about it right now) but with the addition that i would confide, in confidence, with at least one trustworthy person in your family so that you do have it on record if he starts trying to gaslight you later.

Good luck.

Ultimateblends · 04/02/2021 08:53

A. Take it from someone who know. Divorce etc isn't easy and in the future you'll need support, that can only come from being honest with you family/support network.

You'll need them in the coming years.

ememem84 · 04/02/2021 08:56

Personally i'd tell the truth. yes it will be a bombshell to drop on your family but they will be there for support. someone will find out anyway and then there will be rumours etc.

then saying that i'd probably want him to tell them.

EthelMerman · 04/02/2021 08:59

Tell the truth to his family too, otherwise he can paint whatever picture he wants of you and you’ll have to deal with their unfounded rancour.

If you have a good relationship with your PIL, they may come out on your side, obvs he will always be their son but that doesn’t mean they won’t be there for you and your DC. They may well fear losing contact with their GDC too and want to maintain a good relationship with you.

💐 stay strong, you will get through this.

Labobo · 04/02/2021 08:59

Do what makes you feel strongest.

I think the truth is better. If someone had cheated on my DC and I found out after years of being loving and fair to them because I thought the split was mutual, I'd feel cheated and furious.

But it is your choice.

Chocolino · 04/02/2021 09:00

It is not like he had a one night stand or went on a business trip and had a week long fling. He has been doing it for 4 years. That is a whole other level of deceit. He has kept up the lying and scheming for 4 years. There is no going back from that whatsoever. It can't be fobbed off with "I made a mistake".

What you need is your family to 100% support you and be behind your seperation. You MUST tell your family and close friends so they do this. You can also tell them that you dont want any animosity as that will make things worse. They dont have to see him, they just need gto be 100% behind you.