To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

[SiaSunday12]

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

I'm going to go the opposite way to the stream and say, if you don't feel you need to tell your family the gory details and would prefer him to be on good terms with your family, go for it. What's the benefit of them knowing, except to criticise him potentially in front of his children. An amicable break-up is a million times better for your children.
I have divorced and speak from experience!

@Twillow

I'm going to go the opposite way to the stream and say, if you don't feel you need to tell your family the gory details and would prefer him to be on good terms with your family, go for it. What's the benefit of them knowing, except to criticise him potentially in front of his children. An amicable break-up is a million times better for your children. I have divorced and speak from experience!

She would have to lie every time they asked her why she didn't try harder, did they go to counselling and if not why not? She might have to listen to them feel sorry for him, wonder why she's so upset if it's a mutual decision and if she's that upset why not make a go of it after all her ex has said he wants to make it work etc etc

And basically she's not going to be able to ask for the support she needs because she isn't telling them the extent of the hurt, betrayal and heart break she's going through

Truth will out - eventually.

It's possible someone in the family knows already. If you say it was by mutual consent there'll always be someone who will say that you didn't try hard enough. Telling people about his affair will stop a lot of judgement landing in your lap

You don't have to go into detail at all; telling the truth doesn't mean that.

I'm wincing at your constant references to covid-19 and karma though; plenty of people have had/have or will have covid-19 and karma doesn't come into it or exist. What karma has your husband had then? Doesn't work, does it?

Call them the lowest of the low covers it.

My daughter is about to celebrate her 18th birthday. I broke up with my ex husband when she was 10 weeks old after discovering his affair with one of my best friends and neighbour. Speak the truth concerning the break up but keep the bitching and cattiness to one or two best friends if you need to rant. Be decent and fair with your ex, it is up to him if he does the same or not. Tell your family & friends they are never to put the children's father down in front of them. On the important occasions we have been able to mostly come together for our daughter. He always is uncomfortable and awkward as he still feels guilt of his choices. I can always make these family occasions run pretty smoothly by example of years of being decent and always welcoming to him and his family (even the other woman) be classy for you and your children's sake, in the long run best for your kids. They do notice.

I think part of the reason I considered B would be to prevent everyone the worry of, 2 under 2 and on her own, how will she do it, and for me to see them worry!

You're separating, so you'll be on your own, regardless. Either way, they might worry how you will cope. And if they turn on your DH husband, he's the one who should face the music. You did nothing wrong.

Won't pretend it's easy (or fair) but I can look in the mirror every morning knowing I'm a good person trying my best.

He did this so he needs to take responsibility.

A is the only way he'll learn a thing from this and it's not your job to cover up his arseholery with lies.

Yuu can walk away from this with your head in the air. It's him who should be worried about this stuff, not you.

@Chocolino

He "wants to get back to how we were"

So, he strayed because things went off course? What a weak man. Lots of men have major issues in their lives, but only the weak selfish ones go and start up an affair with another women and the even weaker ones carry that affiar on.

You are well rid of him. He is not a man worth having.

Option A, definitely.

He needs to feel the consequences of his choice to have an affair. And it was a choice that he made.

Tha doesn;'t mean he needs to feel everyone gunning for him, rather that he gets the same as any other cheater, the lonely life in a miserable flat, loss of assets, loss of reputation, etc.

You can still co parent, and also ask your family to remain civil for the sake of the DC.

I reckon that lying will just come back to bite you, probably when you least expect, or need, it to.

Tell them but make it clear you want a good coparenting relationship with him, and they will have to bite their tongues during future events for the children's sake.
Be honest with them... you'll need support and they cant give that without all the information.

As a mum, thinking about how you feel about your kids - if one of them were to grow up and go through a situation as devastating as the one you're going through at the moment, would you want them to spare your feelings or would you want them to tell you the truth so you could be there for them?

Honestly please take what support you can. You don't know whether your H would want to attend joint family events in the future, even if you painted him out to be the angel Gabriel to your family and they continued to welcome him with open arms.

I am so sorry to hear your story. It sounds really shit

absolutely A
you need support from people they can make their own decisions as to how they treat him in the future but they should do it with full knowledge.
4 years ......what a bastard

I wouldn't lie, just tell the truth but I wouldn't give details. Tell them if they want to know to speak to him!! When I separated from my first DH my parents pushed and pushed for info, I told them to call him as I wasn't discussing it. (It was the same problem as you and he had found another woman).

The OW stayed in an affair whilst you got married, where pregnant twice and had two babies. So strange. Does she have her own life too?

I would pause and consider if you can work it out? Obviously he might do it again and that is a risk. It really depends. Do you want to be single now? It's not like you will be in the zone to meet someone else with your children being so little. Would it be better to have his support. I don't mean carry on as normal, but not to steal the government slogan but as a new normal.

@gratitutesmynewgratitute

The OW stayed in an affair whilst you got married, where pregnant twice and had two babies. So strange. Does she have her own life too?

I would pause and consider if you can work it out? Obviously he might do it again and that is a risk. It really depends. Do you want to be single now? It's not like you will be in the zone to meet someone else with your children being so little. Would it be better to have his support. I don't mean carry on as normal, but not to steal the government slogan but as a new normal.

The guy had a 4 year long affair, while he was marrying the OP and getting her pregnant twice? What shitty advice to give the woman after she's made such a brave decision

Definitely A, he needs people to see what he is like and u will need the support.

How is he justifying it? Like when you were getting married how has he explained it to you? He cant exactly say you were busy with the kids when it started.
I hope that your family rally around and help.

@gratitutesmynewgratitute

The OW stayed in an affair whilst you got married, where pregnant twice and had two babies. So strange. Does she have her own life too?

I would pause and consider if you can work it out? Obviously he might do it again and that is a risk. It really depends. Do you want to be single now? It's not like you will be in the zone to meet someone else with your children being so little. Would it be better to have his support. I don't mean carry on as normal, but not to steal the government slogan but as a new normal.

I think this is a terrible idea.

A for sure. I can't believe he has the cheek to say he wants to get back to where you were. He's just another man who thought he'd have an affair and his DW would never find out, now he's been caught he'll back peddle massively. He thought only of himself, time for you to think of yourself and the DC of course

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Of course I know that karma doesn’t come into her getting Covid-19, but maybe what I mean is that I believe it is only what she deserves just now.. I’m sure her pain still doesn’t come close to how I feel, whilst she arranged a gift for the workplace to give us as a wedding present, knew I was pregnant, and then again with our second, as a woman who will have the same things in her life that I thought were my happy times, I hope someone tramples all over that for her..... to her to look back on those times in years to come, and realise that it was all a lie. I hope she’s suffering to put it politely.

OP, give your Mum or sister a ring, just tell them. You may find it straightens out your thoughts and plans going forward. Remember, you are not at fault here.

@CoronaIsWatching

You've played it right so far, but now is the time to sensationally reveal the truth, the fallout for him will be deserved and there's no secrets, everything out in the open which will help you move on x

This isn't a soap opera, this is the OPs real life, no call for sensational reveals. She can let the right people know the truth or at least the basic facts in a way that allows relationships and life to remain basically civil, if a little awkward rather than explosive. Life is long and while there may be a part of one that would like to do the equivalent of driving his Porsche off a cliff, afterwards you'd be the one paying for at least half the removal costs. If that's not a strange metaphor

I'm amazed that with 2 tiny children and this utterly devastating news, you are holding it together enough to wonder about future Christmas and wedding presents.

Also OP you sound a kind and sensible woman, I would imagine you come from a family with similar values. I think you can trust that they will take their cue from you and not cause unnecessary drama. It is perfectly possible. My ex-husbands family had every reason to treat me with disdain and anger after our separation but they were uniformly civil and polite and in some cases even warm. I have such respect for them for it and as a consequence we have many family occasions and they have been fine

You’re doing the right thing with option A, keep it truthful. There are too many variables otherwise plus the stress and anger would eat at you.

On a separate not a pleasant note (which I’m sure may have been mentioned) get an STD test.... and make sure the wanker knows you’ll be getting one.

Truth always I think.

Why should you cop half the blame for the mutual split by keeping quiet?

Things won’t be the same anyway no matter how it is spun