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Original poster

DH called me a 'fucking bitch' during sex

221 replies

Thenforgiveme · 02/02/2021 22:53

This happened a few months back but it's still playing on my mind.

DH and I were having sex. He was getting pretty carried away and was talking dirty (which I don't mind) Then he suddenly exclaimed 'Oh you fucking bitch'

I didn't like it and told him so. He apologised but I still feel really odd about it. I consider myself far from a prude but it just seems like such an unpleasant thing to say to your wife in an intimate moment.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 22:37

@PinotPony

"These are all examples of abuse that are worth taking a deeper look at. Why do these women feel that their degradation is an essential part of their sex life? Why do these men feel that degrading their partner in this way is an essential part of their sex life?"

In the OP's case, I can see that it would be perceived as abusive. It was unexpected and out of the blue. It's right that she's upset. I would be.

However, it is not abusive if I've had a detailed conversation with my partner about what language i consent to. Just because I consent to the word "bitch" doesn't mean I consent to being called a "whore". It's all shades of grey.

I'm not sure who "these women" are... that suggests that "we" are all the same and have no individuality. Stereotyping much? 🤨Everybody has their own preferences and desires.

I don't view degradation as an "essential" part of my sex life life at all. A lot of the time, a nice cuddle will suffice. 🤗 That said, many strong, independent women like to relinquish control to their partner and, unless you have an understanding of the emotional intent behind that, you'll continue to view it as abuse.

Ok. “These women” I am referring to are women who include elements of (faux) abuse in their sex lives. Why is control an important feature of sex for you? I don’t think it’s unhealthy to use these terms during sex but at least consider why you do.
LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:38

@PinotPony

"These are all examples of abuse that are worth taking a deeper look at. Why do these women feel that their degradation is an essential part of their sex life? Why do these men feel that degrading their partner in this way is an essential part of their sex life?"

In the OP's case, I can see that it would be perceived as abusive. It was unexpected and out of the blue. It's right that she's upset. I would be.

However, it is not abusive if I've had a detailed conversation with my partner about what language i consent to. Just because I consent to the word "bitch" doesn't mean I consent to being called a "whore". It's all shades of grey.

I'm not sure who "these women" are... that suggests that "we" are all the same and have no individuality. Stereotyping much? 🤨Everybody has their own preferences and desires.

I don't view degradation as an "essential" part of my sex life life at all. A lot of the time, a nice cuddle will suffice. 🤗 That said, many strong, independent women like to relinquish control to their partner and, unless you have an understanding of the emotional intent behind that, you'll continue to view it as abuse.

Completely agree.

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:41

“Pick Me Girl tries to distinguish herself from other women by subverting traditionally constructed femininity to impress and attract men”

Or... some women just have different sexual preferences to others and genuinely enjoy some things, as opposed to pretending they do to "impress and attract men". What a sad, dim view of women this is - the assumption that some women can't possibly have their own preferences and minds, which they freely assert for their own sexual gratification as much as for the man's. Also - why would you feel the need to "impress and attract" a long term partner of (in my case) 7 years? I think it's pretty much a done deal by this point. Grin

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:45

Ok. “These women” I am referring to are women who include elements of (faux) abuse in their sex lives. Why is control an important feature of sex for you? I don’t think it’s unhealthy to use these terms during sex but at least consider why you do.

That's like saying you should consider why you use sex toys (or not), or you should consider why you hate (or love) to wear sexy underwear, or consider why you enjoy (or don't enjoy) oral as a form of foreplay. Sexual arousal and behaviour is multifaceted and complex - and so individual to the person. It really doesn't matter why you do or don't enjoy a particular kink - what matters is that you both are consenting and enjoying yourself. Nothing else beyond that is relevant in my opinion.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 22:46

@LouJ85

“Pick Me Girl tries to distinguish herself from other women by subverting traditionally constructed femininity to impress and attract men”

Or... some women just have different sexual preferences to others and genuinely enjoy some things, as opposed to pretending they do to "impress and attract men". What a sad, dim view of women this is - the assumption that some women can't possibly have their own preferences and minds, which they freely assert for their own sexual gratification as much as for the man's. Also - why would you feel the need to "impress and attract" a long term partner of (in my case) 7 years? I think it's pretty much a done deal by this point. Grin

Think of in terms of this thread. It’s not a swingers group. It isn’t a BDSM group. It’s a thread by a woman who feels violated by the language, yet some posters are more than happy to share that you find it perfectly reasonable behaviour in your sex lives because, presumably, her boundaries are too small and boring.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 22:48

@LouJ85

Ok. “These women” I am referring to are women who include elements of (faux) abuse in their sex lives. Why is control an important feature of sex for you? I don’t think it’s unhealthy to use these terms during sex but at least consider why you do.

That's like saying you should consider why you use sex toys (or not), or you should consider why you hate (or love) to wear sexy underwear, or consider why you enjoy (or don't enjoy) oral as a form of foreplay. Sexual arousal and behaviour is multifaceted and complex - and so individual to the person. It really doesn't matter why you do or don't enjoy a particular kink - what matters is that you both are consenting and enjoying yourself. Nothing else beyond that is relevant in my opinion.

It’s really not. Exploring those questions clearly makes you so uncomfortable you have to come with false equivalents.
LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:48

Think of in terms of this thread. It’s not a swingers group. It isn’t a BDSM group. It’s a thread by a woman who feels violated by the language, yet some posters are more than happy to share that you find it perfectly reasonable behaviour in your sex lives because, presumably, her boundaries are too small and boring.

I was personally responding to the sweeping generalisations that "anyone who enjoys this is emotionally unhealthy and has no self respect". That's where it ventured outside of the context of the OP. The OP is clearly not enjoying it and that's a different issue entirely. My comments were in relation to posters who have branded those of us who do, as subnormal. That's inaccurate and rude, IMO

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:51

It’s really not. Exploring those questions clearly makes you so uncomfortable you have to come with false equivalents.

You have assumed that I'm uncomfortable. I'm not. I just don't see the relevance of the origins of my sexual preferences, nor why they need to be delved into. I'm not being abused, I'm not unhappy, and I'm fully consenting. So it's irrelevant.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 22:51

@LouJ85

Think of in terms of this thread. It’s not a swingers group. It isn’t a BDSM group. It’s a thread by a woman who feels violated by the language, yet some posters are more than happy to share that you find it perfectly reasonable behaviour in your sex lives because, presumably, her boundaries are too small and boring.

I was personally responding to the sweeping generalisations that "anyone who enjoys this is emotionally unhealthy and has no self respect". That's where it ventured outside of the context of the OP. The OP is clearly not enjoying it and that's a different issue entirely. My comments were in relation to posters who have branded those of us who do, as subnormal. That's inaccurate and rude, IMO

I don’t see how it’s any ruder than replying in the manner I previously mentioned.
LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:52

some posters are more than happy to share that you find it perfectly reasonable behaviour in your sex lives because, presumably, her boundaries are too small and boring.

No one has said this of the OP. You are, as you say, "presuming".

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 22:53

@LouJ85

some posters are more than happy to share that you find it perfectly reasonable behaviour in your sex lives because, presumably, her boundaries are too small and boring.

No one has said this of the OP. You are, as you say, "presuming".

They absolutely have. Many other posters have highlighted them.
LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:55

I don’t see how it’s any ruder than replying in the manner I previously mentioned.

Ok well we shall agree to disagree, but I stand by my comments. I don't think it's right to shame a subgroup of women who happen to have different sexual preferences using language like "emotionally unhealthy" and "no self respect".

The OP's situation and feeling disrespected in general etc - entirely different, as I've already said.

But for women to be shamed for enjoying a different type of sex - not OK.

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 22:58

They absolutely have. Many other posters have highlighted them.

Right well, I haven't personally said any such thing. Each to their own, as I've repeatedly said.
OP shouldn't feel ashamed (nor have to explain herself) as to why she doesn't enjoy it, and equally other women should not be shamed for admitting they do enjoy it (nor should they have to delve into the ins and outs or explain themselves).

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 22:59

@LouJ85

I don’t see how it’s any ruder than replying in the manner I previously mentioned.

Ok well we shall agree to disagree, but I stand by my comments. I don't think it's right to shame a subgroup of women who happen to have different sexual preferences using language like "emotionally unhealthy" and "no self respect".

The OP's situation and feeling disrespected in general etc - entirely different, as I've already said.

But for women to be shamed for enjoying a different type of sex - not OK.

I haven’t used those terms. Thank you
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 23:02

@LouJ85

They absolutely have. Many other posters have highlighted them.

Right well, I haven't personally said any such thing. Each to their own, as I've repeatedly said.
OP shouldn't feel ashamed (nor have to explain herself) as to why she doesn't enjoy it, and equally other women should not be shamed for admitting they do enjoy it (nor should they have to delve into the ins and outs or explain themselves).

“ It's funny because, I can't get my head around how people having sex in the missionary position every time, with lights out, no sexy underwear involved, once a month, can be a turn on.”

I think this was a comment made by you. Belittling other women’s sex lives and boundaries.

LittleBoPeep95 · 04/02/2021 23:03

Or... some women just have different sexual preferences to others and genuinely enjoy some things, as opposed to pretending they do to "impress and attract men". What a sad, dim view of women this is - the assumption that some women can't possibly have their own preferences and minds, which they freely assert for their own sexual gratification as much as for the man's. Also - why would you feel the need to "impress and attract" a long term partner of (in my case) 7 years? I think it's pretty much a done deal by this point.

Yep. I dont need to get my partner of 10 years to 'pick me' thankyou very much 🤣

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 23:03

I haven’t used those terms. Thank you

No, and I didn't say you had. I said I was responding to those who had, and you replied to my comment, hence this interaction.

PinotPony · 04/02/2021 23:04

Nobody said that the OP's boundaries are "too small and boring". They're her boundaries and as valid as yours or mine. He overstepped those boundaries and shouldn't have done.

However, me saying I'm comfortable with the language is no different than you saying you aren't. I don't express my view to detract from the OP and her feelings, merely to give some balance to those who suggest it's totally unacceptable and abusive for a man to ever speak this way to a woman he loves.

As far as evaluating why I have certain preferences, I have! I've thought long and hard about my attitudes to sex and my emotional intelligence in that regard. I've discussed with friends and lovers. And guess what..? I concluded that i like my choices, I respect others' choices and I don't judge anyone else. You may wish to consider the same approach..,

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 23:05

I think this was a comment made by you. Belittling other women’s sex lives and boundaries.

Interesting that you've removed that comment from its original context.

In it's original context, you'd see it was in response to a poster who says "I can't get my head around anyone being turned on by this type of comment" - thus belittling those of us who enjoy it. I was therefore using that comment to make the point that there are things I can't get my head around, but it has nothing to do with me if it's between consenting adults.

LittleBoPeep95 · 04/02/2021 23:05

Belittling other women’s sex lives and boundaries.

But thats exactly what many other posters here are doing to those who enjoy dirty talk. Saying we are unstable, we are crying out to for attention, and we must have issues or else we wouldn't want to be 'abused' during sex. Erm no, we all just enjoy different things. Many posters just can't seem to grasp that concept.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 23:06

@PinotPony

Nobody said that the OP's boundaries are "too small and boring". They're her boundaries and as valid as yours or mine. He overstepped those boundaries and shouldn't have done.

However, me saying I'm comfortable with the language is no different than you saying you aren't. I don't express my view to detract from the OP and her feelings, merely to give some balance to those who suggest it's totally unacceptable and abusive for a man to ever speak this way to a woman he loves.

As far as evaluating why I have certain preferences, I have! I've thought long and hard about my attitudes to sex and my emotional intelligence in that regard. I've discussed with friends and lovers. And guess what..? I concluded that i like my choices, I respect others' choices and I don't judge anyone else. You may wish to consider the same approach..,

Good for you! I think a bit of self reflection is healthy for everyone :)
LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 23:07

*However, me saying I'm comfortable with the language is no different than you saying you aren't. I don't express my view to detract from the OP and her feelings, merely to give some balance to those who suggest it's totally unacceptable and abusive for a man to ever speak this way to a woman he loves.

As far as evaluating why I have certain preferences, I have! I've thought long and hard about my attitudes to sex and my emotional intelligence in that regard. I've discussed with friends and lovers. And guess what..? I concluded that i like my choices, I respect others' choices and I don't judge anyone else. You may wish to consider the same approach..,*

You've put it far better than I could. Grin

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 23:07

@LittleBoPeep95

*Belittling other women’s sex lives and boundaries.*

But thats exactly what many other posters here are doing to those who enjoy dirty talk. Saying we are unstable, we are crying out to for attention, and we must have issues or else we wouldn't want to be 'abused' during sex. Erm no, we all just enjoy different things. Many posters just can't seem to grasp that concept.

Indeed!!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/02/2021 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LouJ85 · 04/02/2021 23:08

@LittleBoPeep95

*Or... some women just have different sexual preferences to others and genuinely enjoy some things, as opposed to pretending they do to "impress and attract men". What a sad, dim view of women this is - the assumption that some women can't possibly have their own preferences and minds, which they freely assert for their own sexual gratification as much as for the man's. Also - why would you feel the need to "impress and attract" a long term partner of (in my case) 7 years? I think it's pretty much a done deal by this point. *

Yep. I dont need to get my partner of 10 years to 'pick me' thankyou very much 🤣

He's bloody stuck with me now 😂