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Original poster

DH called me a 'fucking bitch' during sex

221 replies

Thenforgiveme · 02/02/2021 22:53

This happened a few months back but it's still playing on my mind.

DH and I were having sex. He was getting pretty carried away and was talking dirty (which I don't mind) Then he suddenly exclaimed 'Oh you fucking bitch'

I didn't like it and told him so. He apologised but I still feel really odd about it. I consider myself far from a prude but it just seems like such an unpleasant thing to say to your wife in an intimate moment.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Tavannach · 02/02/2021 23:57

I would assume he does sometimes but it's not something that has ever been an issue between us.

It sounds like it has become an issue if he sees women as "fucking bitches". Perhaps the next time you see the counsellor for an individual session you could talk to her about it.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 23:57

Shutting down is rubbish. That does make it really hard from your point of view. How are you meant to do anything but control, if he's not communicating his wants and needs? Obviously that's going to make it look as if you're trying to make things all go your way. You can't even try to go his way if he won't say what his way is! To be honest, it sounds like he's the one being controlling, to me. By not being clear about what he wants, he gives himself permission to get upset about anything he likes, and it'll all feel very unpredictable and unstable for you. Presumably if he clearly stated what he wanted, you'd make the effort, so you're hardly being controlling yourself.

Happycat1212 · 02/02/2021 23:59

Wouldn’t bother me personally

SoulofanAggron · 02/02/2021 23:59

I used to like that stuff, tho hope to steer clear of it in any relationships I have in future.

Those who aren't into it aren't, and that's fine, someone isn't uptight if they don't like verbal abuse during sex.

Sounds like he isn't a nice guy all round. x

wfrances · 02/02/2021 23:59

Wouldn't bother me either

Branleuse · 03/02/2021 00:14

Id probably like it. Is it really just out of the blue and out of character though?

EarthSight · 03/02/2021 00:17

Jesus. In your shoes I'd be wondering 'Does he actually want to call me a fucking bitch to my face, but can't, so he does it in bed under the disguise of dirty talk???' Confused

MisfitRightIn · 03/02/2021 00:20

@EarthSight

Jesus. In your shoes I'd be wondering 'Does he actually want to call me a fucking bitch to my face, but can't, so he does it in bed under the disguise of dirty talk???' Confused
This is exactly what I’d be concerned about. I’d also be bringing it up at the next counseling meeting, to discuss. Wtf.
Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 00:23

@MintyCedric Yes it's Relate. I had really high hopes of it working but it's been a bit of a disaster so far.

He hasn't done it since but to be fair we haven't had sex since!

@PyongyangKipperbang The sex itself was good! Other than him saying that. I don't think he'd forgotten he fancied me. He's always telling me he does and that we don't have enough sex!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2021 00:26

@Thenforgiveme

Intimate healing sex rather...

I'm trying to understand the context of 'Intimate healing sex'. I'm taking it to mean sex that is intended to encourage a feeling of closeness and tenderness as opposed to a 'rip your clothes off bang-fest', which is primarily 'fun sex' for the sheer physical release of it. If so, then him calling you a fucking bitch during a sexual encounter intended to make you (and/or him) feel close and cherished is a bit worrisome, imo.

It sounds aggressive and disrespectful to me. And if he says he 'got carried away'....carried away to tell you what he thinks of you? Of women in general?

His complaints about me are so vague and unspecific that I'm not sure how to fix them!

As far as his 'vagueness' as to what you supposedly do 'wrong' in your marriage, that can be on purpose to make you keep trying harder and harder to placate and 'prove' yourself to him. To be on tiptoes not to be 'disagreeable' or 'argumentative'. And it's a well known tactic of emotional abusers.

I think you need to take a long, hard look at your marriage in its entirety. And when you have, ask to speak to the counselor alone. She won't tell you what to do, but she'll be able to ask you the questions that will give you a clearer picture and enable you to make your own decision.

Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 00:26

@EarthSight It has made me wonder if that's what we really thinks of meSad

@Branleuse We sometimes indulge in a bit of (fairly rubbishGrin) dirty talk but nothing involving personal insults like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 00:33

@AcrossthePond55 Yes I meant tender, reconnective sex rather than shag fest sex.

I'm really stuck on the got carried away bit as well. Carried away to tell me I'm a fucking bitch?

I'm going to speak to our counsellor. We're having separate sessions anyway at the moment. Interesting what you say about emotional abuse. He says I'm emotionally abusiveConfused

OP posts:
EarthSight · 03/02/2021 00:36

What does he define as emotionally abusive?

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 00:38

Grim. Anyone who enjoys this stuff needs to really think about how men actually view women. If you think any man who respects you would talk like this, you're wrong.

Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 00:41

@EarthSight Because I shout at him in arguments and sometimes name call. I know it's wrong of me and I've admitted that in counselling. I don't see how that qualifies as emotional abuse though? He shouts too. It's not just me!

OP posts:
TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 00:44

"I don’t see the problem. If my sex life was so tame that being called a fucking bitch bothered me I’d definitely be doing it wrong"

Wow the patriarchy has definitely fucked you up.

I hope you get to a place where you actually want respect from the people you sleep with.

livefornaps · 03/02/2021 00:44

I would be having words along the lines of "I'm not your wank sock"

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2021 00:45

[quote Thenforgiveme]@AcrossthePond55 Yes I meant tender, reconnective sex rather than shag fest sex.

I'm really stuck on the got carried away bit as well. Carried away to tell me I'm a fucking bitch?

I'm going to speak to our counsellor. We're having separate sessions anyway at the moment. Interesting what you say about emotional abuse. He says I'm emotionally abusiveConfused[/quote]
He says I'm emotionally abusive

That's also a common tactic of abusers, accuse your victim of being the abusive one. Then if they say anything about your (abusive) behaviour, you can tell them they're abusing you.

I'm glad you're going to speak to the counselor. Don't hold anything back.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 03/02/2021 00:46

It wouldn't bother me at all as a once off. If you told him you didn't like it and he repeated it I'd hate it though.

oakleaffy · 03/02/2021 00:48

Next time you have sex, lie there like a sack of spuds, look at your watch, yawn, and say 'Is it in, yet?''

See how he likes that!

IMNOTSHOUTING · 03/02/2021 00:48

That said it's perhaps different if you're having issues in your relationship anyway. It might bother me in that context. I think things like that only work when the relationship is strong so there's no doubt on either side about love and respect.

Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 00:53

@AcrossthePond55

I know I'm not emotionally abusive. I've read about it a lot since he said that and it's just not me. Then in weaker moments I'll think 'God, what if I actually am EA and just don't realise'

OP posts:
TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 01:11

"Next time you have sex, lie there like a sack of spuds, look at your watch, yawn, and say 'Is it in, yet?''

See how he likes that!"

Right? You said I was a fucking bitch, so here's me, being a fucking bitch.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2021 01:15

I am sure someone better than me can remember tha acronym but there is an abusive tactic that they use where they blame you, reverse victim and abuser, so he is the victim and you the abuser.

Him being vague about the issues screams to me that he wants to split up but doesnt want to be the bad guy. So you try and try to give him what he wants but its never quite "right" and so you give up, utterly broken, and leave. Thats when he can blame you for the end of your marriage and walk away guilt free.

user234987653 · 03/02/2021 01:20

Some men like to make allegations of emotional abuse to women when they don't like what you say, how you say it or, indeed, if you dare to speak at all at a time they disapprove of.

Misogyny, abusive mindset, arrogance, disrespect, being a general prick or any combination to blame usually.

Of course, it's not emotional abuse but they will tell anyone who will listen that it is, often in very vague terms so as to lower the chances of being called a bullshitter.