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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH called me a 'fucking bitch' during sex

221 replies

Thenforgiveme · 02/02/2021 22:53

This happened a few months back but it's still playing on my mind.

DH and I were having sex. He was getting pretty carried away and was talking dirty (which I don't mind) Then he suddenly exclaimed 'Oh you fucking bitch'

I didn't like it and told him so. He apologised but I still feel really odd about it. I consider myself far from a prude but it just seems like such an unpleasant thing to say to your wife in an intimate moment.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 03/02/2021 10:27

I'm starting to suspect that's because the real answer is he can't be arsed being a husband and father.

Yes.

He can't elaborate on what you've done wrong because you haven't done anything wrong.

He's furious with you because he's not happy and you're the only one he can reasonably blame.

This probably won't get sorted, because the reason for it is in his psyche. He's not happy with his own choices. Is he generally a blamer? A sulker? Someone who sees it as others' responsibility to keep him happy? Is his own relationship with his parents entitled, taking?

Has the dynamic so far generally been that you are the one who works at keeping him everyone happy, but he sees it as his right to simply be happy?

The reason he's so angry about it all is that there's nowhere to go. Because admitting he's just not happy with a nice life with lovely kids and a perfectly ok relationship can't be anyone's fault but his own.

If I were you, I'd think hard about how you'd feel if he was to say, I'm out. If you feel that actually you would cope ok without him - maybe even be happier - then maybe just take the bull by the horns and lay this all out. Be blunt. Tell him you think he just isn't happy being a husband and (especially) a father but he can't admit it to himself.

I wonder what he'd say if you just said it that bluntly.

I have a feeling he's very used to sitting back while you corkscrew yourself inside out making sure it's all ok for him, so that he will meet you halfway.

fromdownwest · 03/02/2021 10:31

'That's horrible. I agree it appears he's into degrading porn.'

You do realise there is a whole range of mutual sexual desires and preferences before one has to jump to the degrading porn excuse.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/02/2021 10:35

“I don’t see the problem. If my sex life was so tame that being called a fucking bitch bothered me I’d definitely be doing it wrong"

This is a really unhelpful comment and shows you have a piss poor understanding of bdsm and good sex in general. Some people like to be degraded during sex, but lots of people don’t and that doesn’t mean their sex is boring or tame. Even people who are into sub/Dom dynamics don’t have to have degradation as part of this. There are other ways to assert dominance and any decent sexual partner would establish what their partner actually WANTS.
Regurgitating what you have seen in some basic boring default-Dom porno is far more tame and boring imo.

Pyewhacket · 03/02/2021 10:36

@WouldstrokeTomHardy

Wouldn't bother me in slightest
Nor me.
WombatChocolate · 03/02/2021 10:41

Lots of people are willing to tolerate this kind of thing.

I’m not.

The reality is that people’s interest in porn doesn’t just stay private but does spill over into their real world relationships or sex, as this shows. It becomes more than something they do privately which has no impact on anyone. And I’m not interested in any relationship where that is the case.

If this becomes apparent in the first couple of times peop,e have sex or early stage relationship, you can see it and know you don’t like it and bin them. The trouble is here when the people are married. It has and will impact the sex and relationship as Op can see. Some people might not mind but she does.

I think I’d have a chat with DH about what it is that you don’t like...the words, the fact he’s having a little private fantasy whilst having sex with you. He may well understand and be prepared to try and not let that happen again. But it might be difficult to stop even if he wants to.

It’s the thing with porn...it never stays in the screen or on the page, but it’s in people’s heads and it spills out into their relationships whether the other people want it or not.

Bugslydoo · 03/02/2021 10:45

Tbh I would’ve laughed about it after sex and said I’m your fucking bitch then? And would’ve called my hubs a dirty boy for swearing. My hubs says random things during sex-he once said ready or not here I come which made me laugh so much!

With regards to him getting lost

Frodont · 03/02/2021 10:47

@HighSpecWhistle

Porn talk. I don't think I'd be too worried as long as it's a one off. Next time, maybe call him "you fucking prick" and see if he says anything...
This!
welliguessitwouldbenice · 03/02/2021 10:50

the fact he’s having a little private fantasy whilst having sex with you

I don’t think that’s a problem as long as it’s kept private on the basis the fantasy probably doesn’t appeal to your partner. She can’t police his thoughts

emilyfrost · 03/02/2021 10:52

This is a really unhelpful comment and shows you have a piss poor understanding of bdsm and good sex in general. Some people like to be degraded during sex, but lots of people don’t and that doesn’t mean their sex is boring or tame. Even people who are into sub/Dom dynamics don’t have to have degradation as part of this. There are other ways to assert dominance and any decent sexual partner would establish what their partner actually WANTS.
Regurgitating what you have seen in some basic boring default-Dom porno is far more tame and boring imo.

Regularsizedrudy No regurgitation here. We’ve been heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle—not only on a sexual level—for 15 years, so my knowledge and understanding is fine thank you. I’m well aware of the different dynamics and the plethora of kinks and how they can be explored.

My point was that for me that would be tame and there would be something wrong if I took offence at that. Hence why I went on to stress that sex is individual.

borntohula · 03/02/2021 10:57

It's not a 'thing' in standard porn but of course he's male so he's a porn addict.

Anyway, you didn't like it, he apologised. 🤷‍♀️

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 10:57

It's not helpful people saying are fine with this.

The OP isn't and it's triggered a hurt in her.

TradedAtlanta · 03/02/2021 11:01

I have a slightly different perspective on the counselling. I'm wondering about your comment that you'd had a few sessions with the female counsellor first before he joined. Did he have individual sessions with her too at the same time? If not it's possible that the combination of your previous therapeutic relationship with the counsellor and the similar approach you are taking (both trying to get him to say what you've done 'wrong') have left him feeling that the counsellor is aligned with you and it is therefore not a safe space to express himself. Perhaps the construct of the marital problems as one or other of you having done something 'wrong' doesn't actually align with his experiences so it's hard for him to answer the question. Your instinct is that family life/having children hasn't lived up to his expectations. Is there space and safety for him to express this? No it isn't fair that women have to adapt AND help their husbands to adapt but equally if that is where he is maybe meeting him there might help. Surely many people have the experience of loving their children but mourning the loss of previous roles, freedoms and aspects of identity and that's OK- it doesn't have to mean he is somehow flawed or bad or that he doesn't have to take on his share of responsibilities. If you can identify with those feelings too (I know I can) then maybe you could be on the same page rather than combative armies on your own camps.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/02/2021 11:04

@emilyfrost I have not seen any follow up comments you made but no where in your original comment did you give the impression that sex is individual and what works for you doesn’t have to work for others. You just said you’d be “doing it wrong”. Your comment was designed to imply you’re having fantastic dirty sex any anyone who’s not happy with being called a bitch must be doing it wrong. That’s actively harmful.

emily372 · 03/02/2021 11:10

He's most likely picked the phrase up from porn.

My OH started saying 'new' things which I know for a fact they say in porn. He comes up with something new all the time and sometimes it turns me on - other times I'm trying not to laugh

emilyfrost · 03/02/2021 11:12

@Regularsizedrudy I haven’t made any follow up posts. It’s literally in my only post on this thread, the one that you quoted.

I don’t see the problem. If my sex life was so tame that being called a fucking bitch bothered me I’d definitely be doing it wrong.

But sex is individual, and if you’re not okay with it then you need to talk to him about it. There’s nothing wrong with that speech in principle if you’re both on the same page.

So yes, I did say that sex was individual and that partners needed to be on the same page.

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 11:12

[quote Regularsizedrudy]@emilyfrost I have not seen any follow up comments you made but no where in your original comment did you give the impression that sex is individual and what works for you doesn’t have to work for others. You just said you’d be “doing it wrong”. Your comment was designed to imply you’re having fantastic dirty sex any anyone who’s not happy with being called a bitch must be doing it wrong. That’s actively harmful.[/quote]
Yep, that's the impressive the post gave me too.

And I don't know how someone who's been actively involved in a BDSM lifestyle for a while doesn't realise their perspective might not be helpful (or even relevant) to the majority of people, who are not.

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 11:14

The second part of that post was more than overshadowed by the first part.

Who cares what you'd consider "doing it right" anyway, if they're not into BDSM - which op is clearly not. Why even lead with that.

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 11:16

In fact you didn't even say you were in a BDSM lifestyle until challenged; thereby giving the impression that your viewpoint is a valid or normal one for non BDSM folks.

Frodont · 03/02/2021 11:17

Why is BDSM now a "lifestyle"?

emilyfrost · 03/02/2021 11:19

@Frodont

Why is BDSM now a "lifestyle"?
It doesn’t have to be, it just can be. I mentioned lifestyle because that’s applicable to me, but the majority of people practicing BDSM aren’t in a lifestyle situation.
Wakingup55643 · 03/02/2021 11:21

Tbh, I had this once, and I loved it. He included 'sexy' in the phrase, and I was so excited. He must have been thinking about it later and asked if it was ok, and I said yes. But if you don't like it, of course he shouldn't say it. Hope you're ok, OP. (Sorry I've skimmed through most replies so might have missed something.)

Frodont · 03/02/2021 11:22

How can it be a lifestyle? Do you spend all day locked in a box or something? It all sounds so po faced and serious.

emilyfrost · 03/02/2021 11:29

@Frodont

How can it be a lifestyle? Do you spend all day locked in a box or something? It all sounds so po faced and serious.
OP is after advice so I don’t really want to derail the thread, but it’s a lifestyle when it affects every single part of your life.

It’s not just sexy playtime for us, I’m in a 24/7 D/s relationship. There’s a whole world of information out there for anyone curious, even if they’re not interested in trying it out themselves.

Frodont · 03/02/2021 11:33

Ok. Sexy playtime sounds far more fun, but you do you.

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 11:48

Tbh, I had this once, and I loved it. He included 'sexy' in the phrase, and I was so excited

But sexy completely changes "you fucking bitch", doesn't it.

"You sexy fucking bitch" is very different indeed from "you fucking bitch".

Why do people feel compelled to share irrelevant, unhelpful experiences in threads like these.

Like they get carried away by their own arousal/gratification etc and completely miss the point of the thread.