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Original poster

DH called me a 'fucking bitch' during sex

221 replies

Thenforgiveme · 02/02/2021 22:53

This happened a few months back but it's still playing on my mind.

DH and I were having sex. He was getting pretty carried away and was talking dirty (which I don't mind) Then he suddenly exclaimed 'Oh you fucking bitch'

I didn't like it and told him so. He apologised but I still feel really odd about it. I consider myself far from a prude but it just seems like such an unpleasant thing to say to your wife in an intimate moment.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 03/02/2021 01:21

I think he just got carried away talking dirty.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2021 01:36

@MaLarkinn

If everything in the garden was rosy, I would agree with you. But bearing in mind the OPs updates....not so much.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2021 01:39

@PyongyangKipperbang

I am sure someone better than me can remember tha acronym but there is an abusive tactic that they use where they blame you, reverse victim and abuser, so he is the victim and you the abuser.

Him being vague about the issues screams to me that he wants to split up but doesnt want to be the bad guy. So you try and try to give him what he wants but its never quite "right" and so you give up, utterly broken, and leave. Thats when he can blame you for the end of your marriage and walk away guilt free.

DARVO

Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender

"I don't do ABC" (Deny)
"But YOU do XYZ" (Attack)
"Why do you treat me so terribly?" (Reverse Victim and Offender)

(Simplified version)

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2021 01:54

@AcrossthePond55

Thank you

Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 06:52

@PyongyangKipperbang He's so vague in the counselling that he pretty much gives me nothing to work with. I'm giving him concrete action I'd like him to take, but in return I just get 'calm down and be less controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 06:55

@AcrossthePond55 I've not heard that before but some of it resonates. Especially the treating him terribly part. He actually said last week that he won't let me grind him down and bully him anymoreShock

OP posts:
Kndg · 03/02/2021 07:09

A few months ago DH and I were having sex, it was the first time in weeks as I'm perimenopausal and mostly gone off sex. DH is very understanding and patient. As he climaxed he said 'take that, bitch,' I found it funny more than anything but it sounds more worrying in your case op.

RantyAnty · 03/02/2021 07:12

In your mind you wanted tender reconnecting sex so I would be offended at his outburst.

From actions of so many men, and the popularity of porn, Im believing that men are mostly concerned with getting their end away and don't see it as tender reconnecting etc. I think most would be happy as a clam with porn like sex with little effort on their part.

Mamasaurus123 · 03/02/2021 07:29

Nope. That would be a major turn off for me.

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 07:32

"As he climaxed he said 'take that, bitch,'"

You have low standards.

sashagabadon · 03/02/2021 07:35

I’d outright ask him about it. I agree it’s the porn he is watches which is pretty yuck.

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/02/2021 07:38

We are quite extreme by most people’s lights (I think) so if he said it in the context of some kind of scene we were having, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

However, we also often have sex which is tender and loving, and if he swore at me in that context I would find it upsetting and bizarrely inappropriate.

It is, however, possible to misjudge it, without meaning any harm. I remember once we were having sex and I came out with some strongly worded exhortations (which might be considered “porny”, tho I have never watched porn). He stopped and said, “Lovely, I am trying to make love to you, is that ok with you?” We both found it quite funny, but if our relationship was struggling anyway and this had happened, I guess he could have been upset, and had the impression that I didn’t want to be loving and affectionate with him.

OP, I think that the reason this has stayed with you is probably due to the other problems in your relationship. I really feel for you with those - it sounds so difficult.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 03/02/2021 07:48

Oh that’s horrible. How degrading. I’d feel the same as you x

Idratherberude · 03/02/2021 07:59

Phrases you can use when "carried away"
Are you sure you're ready?
Is it in yet?
What, you're done already?

In all seriousness, I'm sorry it sounds like things are going badly.

SummerBlondey · 03/02/2021 08:16

And they say romance is dead!

I would hate this!

SummerBlondey · 03/02/2021 08:18

A few months ago DH and I were having sex, it was the first time in weeks as I'm perimenopausal and mostly gone off sex. DH is very understanding and patient. As he climaxed he said 'take that, bitch,' I found it funny more than anything but it sounds more worrying in your case op

That's just awful. No wonder you don't want to have sex with this Prince Charming.

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 09:39

If my sex life was so tame that being called a fucking bitch bothered me I’d definitely be doing it wrong.

HmmConfused

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 09:41

As he climaxed he said 'take that, bitch,' I found it funny more than anything but it sounds more worrying in your case op.

Wtaf is going on in this thread.

gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 09:43

He actually said last week that he won't let me grind him down and bully him anymore

You said he's not "enjoying" being a father.

Dies the above translate into "expect me to step up and be a halfway equal parent"?

Catwoman123 · 03/02/2021 09:55

My ex dp has said this to me twice and both times it's put me off so much that I've stopped in the middle of sex. I told him how it made me feel both times and both times he apologised and told me he didn't mean it in a derogatory way but I explained that I hated it and he didn't do it again after that.
He was absolutely shit at dirty talk and quite inexperienced so I think it was a mixture of that and getting carried away.

MintyCedric · 03/02/2021 09:55

I just get told that everything isn't all his fault and that I have to shoulder my side of the responsibility...

Thats what made me think 'Relate'.

When I went with my now XH in the death throes of our relationship (he was controlling and emotionally abusive...I was paying lip service to the notion of counselling tbf), the (female) counsellor very much expected me to congratulate him on being in the room (it was his idea) because talking about feelings is so terribly hard for da menz Hmm.

Suffice to say we didn't go back.

WrenWilliams · 03/02/2021 10:01

Doesn't matter how it makes anyone else feel, if it has made you feel this way then it's not right for you. Chat to your man about it, let him know how it impacted you x

Original poster
Thenforgiveme · 03/02/2021 10:03

@gaijinetal I think it is to be honest. Dad of the year he is not.

@MintyCedric Sorry, that's what DH says in the sessions not the counsellor. She tries very hard to draw him on specifics of why he's unhappy/wants to change but he's not forthcoming. I'm starting to suspect that's because the real answer is he can't be arsed being a husband and father.

OP posts:
BrownFootStool · 03/02/2021 10:07

This kind of language in sex is quite common and many people like it. However, in the context of the extra information you have given, it doesn't sound like good old fun sex talk. Also, even if he liked it and meant it in a harmless way, if you don't like it then that is that.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/02/2021 10:11

I agree with most that this specific incident isn't the issue - it's his lack of emotional participation in the attempt to save your marriage.

From the outside looking in, it appears to me that he basically has realised he doesn't actually want a family - not to the extent of actually doing the work to have that. He's probably totally okay with the "idea" of parenting, so long as he doesn't have to do the shitty boring difficult bits, like actually engaging with a child, meeting their physical and emotional needs. He's all about turning up at school assemblies, looking proud. But the cleaning up sick, getting them organised every morning, changing nappies, comforting them - nah, he's waaaay too good for that.

If you split, he'll be Disney Dadding like crazy. Which is annoying, but at least you know the kids won't be actively neglected during their contact time.

The reason for his vagueness during counselling is because you're not actually doing anything "wrong" - he just doesn't want to be in the marriage any more. But he's too cowardly, and/or too concerned about his public image, to actually say that.

I think that's why the "fucking bitch" slipped out when his barriers were down. He thinks you're a bitch. Not because you ARE a bitch, but because you're doing inconvenient things like having emotional needs that you expect to be met by your husband, and for him to pull his weight parenting his children and keeping his house.

If it was me - I'd start using the counselling sessions to plan my exit and agree co-parenting strategies. I really couldn't be arsed dancing around trying to work out how to please a man who won't say what he actually wants.

Good luck OP Flowers

(Oh and I'm another who doesn't mind this dirty talk during sex - but it has to be something both partners enjoy, and preferably have agreed beforehand. Suddenly springing it on you during sex, and especially in the context of trying to build more intimacy, is really not on at all.)