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Original poster

DH called me a 'fucking bitch' during sex

221 replies

Thenforgiveme · 02/02/2021 22:53

This happened a few months back but it's still playing on my mind.

DH and I were having sex. He was getting pretty carried away and was talking dirty (which I don't mind) Then he suddenly exclaimed 'Oh you fucking bitch'

I didn't like it and told him so. He apologised but I still feel really odd about it. I consider myself far from a prude but it just seems like such an unpleasant thing to say to your wife in an intimate moment.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 03/02/2021 11:49

*or "you fucking sexy bitch" if that was it, obviously.

Also totally different.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 03/02/2021 12:08

@emilyfrost

I don’t see the problem. If my sex life was so tame that being called a fucking bitch bothered me I’d definitely be doing it wrong.

But sex is individual, and if you’re not okay with it then you need to talk to him about it. There’s nothing wrong with that speech in principle if you’re both on the same page.

wtaf? Way to go into shaming someone for having perfectly normal, non porn influenced, boundaries. I think this response is hideous.
SillyOldMummy · 03/02/2021 12:13

Next time he's feeling horny, ask to stick some music on in the background... "you say it best, when you say nothing at all" might send the right message

bitliketonyhares · 03/02/2021 12:13

I like that kind of thing - but can see if you don't why it would be shocking. Is he bad at dirty talk? Maybe he got carried away and seriously misinterpreted the situation.

C152 · 03/02/2021 12:20

I would hate it. I suspect he's been watching porn and it's creeping into how he behaves in real life.

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 12:38

I really don't understand how women can tolerate this from their husbands.

OK, I get the whole fantasy aspect of it - wanting to be degraded or whatever is a very common fantasy. What I don't get is why on earth you'd want to be with a man who wants to degrade you. The dynamics of men and women in our society are just too fucked up for it to ever be ok. You might be able to keep it in a 'sexy time only' box, but I guarantee most men don't.

A man who calls you that kind of thing in bed on some level thinks of you that way the rest of the time too.

Women in the west just seem to have no respect for themselves these days. Oh you can do whatever you want to me in bed and you don't even have to buy me dinner because feminism.

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 12:39

"I like that kind of thing - but can see if you don't why it would be shocking."

It's not shocking. It's grim. Don't kid yourself that it's edgy or that anyone who doesn't like it is conservative. Any man who talks like that to his wife is a misogynist.

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/02/2021 12:53

It’s simply not true that all men who say stuff like this, in the context of a CONSENSUAL sexual scenario, is a nasty misogynist. Some people role-play during sex. They are assuming personas which are not their actual ones.

Fine if you are not into that, but I don’t think it is fair to condemn people who are as by definition holding appalling views.

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 12:56

@Lovelydiscusfish Sure, keep telling yourself that.

I'm not saying I'm not into it. I've done it in the past, many times. What I know is that any man saying it does not love women and does not respect women. There is some part of him that truly believes that.

I'm not condemning anyone. Do what you want, it's no skin off my nose. But if you honestly think there's any way a man who respects you would say that, you're deluding yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2021 13:41

[quote Thenforgiveme]@AcrossthePond55 I've not heard that before but some of it resonates. Especially the treating him terribly part. He actually said last week that he won't let me grind him down and bully him anymoreShock[/quote]
I suggest that if you haven't already, you specifically ask and discuss with the counselor (in a one-to-one session) whether or not she sees any 'controlling' or 'bullying' behaviour in you. I'm not saying there is, I'm saying that her confirmation of what you already know (that it's him, not you) may be helpful to you.

She tries very hard to draw him on specifics of why he's unhappy/wants to change but he's not forthcoming

This is what I said, he has to be continually vague to keep you walking on tiptoe around him. If he doesn't tell you specifically what it is you do, then that keeps you second guessing everything you do and consequently dancing around him and constantly 'accommodating' his every whim or mood to avoid 'proving' to him that you're controlling or bullying.

Sometimes these things are much deeper than just not wanting to be a father or a husband. The need to control or emotionally abuse goes way beyond simply not wanting to carry out one's family responsibilities.

mummyof4kids · 03/02/2021 14:01

@Kndg

A few months ago DH and I were having sex, it was the first time in weeks as I'm perimenopausal and mostly gone off sex. DH is very understanding and patient. As he climaxed he said 'take that, bitch,' I found it funny more than anything but it sounds more worrying in your case op.
That made me laugh 😂 I'd have found that funny if dp said that to me too
mylovelydd · 03/02/2021 15:15

All of the posters writing "Wouldn't bother me" - So fucking what? Hmm
Op said she didn't mind dirty talk, she took issue with the way he said it in the context of the sex they were having. Why do posters on MN try and normalise other posters discomfort at situations by bleating on that they wouldn't have an issue (therefore STFU op)?

emily372 · 03/02/2021 15:54

@Kndg

A few months ago DH and I were having sex, it was the first time in weeks as I'm perimenopausal and mostly gone off sex. DH is very understanding and patient. As he climaxed he said 'take that, bitch,' I found it funny more than anything but it sounds more worrying in your case op.
God that made me laugh too.

Some of the things they come out with during sex, they think they're some sort of porn star.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2021 15:58

Perhaps have a word with him about what you see as acceptable 'talking dirty' is.

You told him you didn't like it, he apologised. If you don't agree what's acceptable then if you continue with 'talking dirty' during sex he may say something else that offends. Perhaps ask him to stick to sweet nothings or not to talk.

Branleuse · 03/02/2021 16:29

Id be tempted to next time we had sex, shout out that he was a fat bastard, or a stupid cahnt at the moment he was really into it, then act all surprised if he was weirded out by it.

Either that or a conversation about the sort of things you like when talking dirty - whisperings about how youre hot or what he wants to do is one thing, but degrading insults are pretty niche in terms of turn ons. Whether some of us here might be into that at times is besides the point. I can quite get into it sometimes, but if we were having cuddly intimate sex and he all of a sudden came out with something like that, it would be weird because it would be like we really werent in tune.
Often the best sex is when you can really communicate with each other about what you like, and if he wants to play fantasy stuff when youre having sex, then you should both be on the same page, or at least keep it in his own head

SimonJT · 03/02/2021 16:37

It wouldn’t bother me, and it wouldn’t bother my partner.

But the only thing that actually matters is how you feel, your partner apologised when you spoke to him, so you likely don’t have anything to overly worry about going forward. But make sure you do speak up if it does stay on your mind.

livefornaps · 03/02/2021 16:51

@Branleuse, lollll can you imagine "c'mon yeh fat bastard, put your back into it, keep that flaccid cock of yours inside me, come on, mushroom -stump, is that all you've got, shove your flab up, fill me with those droopy balls of yours"

sunnyzweibrucken · 03/02/2021 16:59

It would depend the type of sex we were having if this would bother me or not.

If it happened during a connecting, intimate, tender type of sex yes it would bother me.

Considering you are having marital issues and he doesn’t seem to want to have a part of family life, I see it as him being emotionally distant from you making it easy for him to say something like this during a moment that was loving and tender. Almost like you’re just some chick he met at a bar and had a ONS with - at least that’s how I’d feel about it.

emilyfrost · 03/02/2021 17:06

[quote livefornaps]@Branleuse, lollll can you imagine "c'mon yeh fat bastard, put your back into it, keep that flaccid cock of yours inside me, come on, mushroom -stump, is that all you've got, shove your flab up, fill me with those droopy balls of yours"[/quote]
Oh you would be surprised at the huge amount of men that would get turned on by this Wink

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 17:49

I really don't understand how women can tolerate this from their husbands.

I think the point is that some women enjoy this rather than tolerate it. Tolerate implies it's something you don't like, but you put up with it or let it slide. For some women, however, it's enjoyable. That's the difference I guess.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 17:51

It would depend the type of sex we were having if this would bother me or not.

This for me too - in the right context, with the mood being read correctly, I'd enjoy it. In a softer, more tender moment - not so much.

LouJ85 · 03/02/2021 17:56

@Lovelydiscusfish

It’s simply not true that all men who say stuff like this, in the context of a CONSENSUAL sexual scenario, is a nasty misogynist. Some people role-play during sex. They are assuming personas which are not their actual ones.

Fine if you are not into that, but I don’t think it is fair to condemn people who are as by definition holding appalling views.

Yep.

Morgan12 · 03/02/2021 17:59

This is only OK in a role play scenario imo.

YouShouldLeave · 03/02/2021 18:01

@TheOtherBoelynGirl

I really don't understand how women can tolerate this from their husbands.

OK, I get the whole fantasy aspect of it - wanting to be degraded or whatever is a very common fantasy. What I don't get is why on earth you'd want to be with a man who wants to degrade you. The dynamics of men and women in our society are just too fucked up for it to ever be ok. You might be able to keep it in a 'sexy time only' box, but I guarantee most men don't.

A man who calls you that kind of thing in bed on some level thinks of you that way the rest of the time too.

Women in the west just seem to have no respect for themselves these days. Oh you can do whatever you want to me in bed and you don't even have to buy me dinner because feminism.

This!!

Very good post!

jerriblank · 03/02/2021 18:09

@Thenforgiveme

Oh and also tells me I'm not interested in him now I've got the dc...

Abusive men love saying stuff like this to women.