DH called me a 'fucking bitch' during sex

[Thenforgiveme]

This happened a few months back but it's still playing on my mind.

DH and I were having sex. He was getting pretty carried away and was talking dirty (which I don't mind) Then he suddenly exclaimed 'Oh you fucking bitch'

I didn't like it and told him so. He apologised but I still feel really odd about it. I consider myself far from a prude but it just seems like such an unpleasant thing to say to your wife in an intimate moment.

Am I being silly?

@TheOtherBoelynGirl

I really don't understand how women can tolerate this from their husbands.

OK, I get the whole fantasy aspect of it - wanting to be degraded or whatever is a very common fantasy. What I don't get is why on earth you'd want to be with a man who wants to degrade you. The dynamics of men and women in our society are just too fucked up for it to ever be ok. You might be able to keep it in a 'sexy time only' box, but I guarantee most men don't.

A man who calls you that kind of thing in bed on some level thinks of you that way the rest of the time too.

Women in the west just seem to have no respect for themselves these days. Oh you can do whatever you want to me in bed and you don't even have to buy me dinner because feminism.

You're right.

Another man who’s watched far too much porn and doesn’t have a clue how to stimulate a woman.
Emotionally healthy people shouldn’t get turned on be degrading/being degraded IMO

Sounds not only like porn talk as a lot have said, but now an addiction. He has no energy to be a dad, husband or even answer the counsellor because his energy and focus is on porn.
This society has ruined so many lives with its tolerance and promotion of porn.
I despair for the school kids I see who can't hold a conversation, yet their eyes come alive when they are discussing porn with their friends

Call him a fucking twat, not during sex, and be rid of him.

Another man who’s watched far too much porn and doesn’t have a clue how to stimulate a woman.
Emotionally healthy people shouldn’t get turned on be degrading/being degraded IMO

This!

I appreciate not everyone likes the same things but I can't wrap my head around 'dirty talk' being degrading or insulting and that being a turn on. Guess I'm just 'doing it wrong'

He sounds abusive/nasty in a lot of ways.

As your DH, of course people can have kind of a slip of the tongue/get carried away, but he will know what both of you have had in your sex life in the past, and have an idea of what your boundaries are. You're his wife, it's not like he wouldn'tve known that isn't usually something on the menu.

I've done some BDSM including a brief supposedly 24/7 thing, and even with casual stuff which has just happened to include a bit of verbal abuse, there's always a bit of a lead-up, a testing the waters to see if it's something I'd be up for. I think ideally that is not something that's done without a brief discussion of whether someone likes it or not. I mean, just a sentence or two at least.

Instead, he chose to spring an activity on you in sex which you had not consented to. It's not just a matter of a couple of words; it's verbal abuse and that is something that shouldn't happen without being discussed.

Maybee he enjoyed doing a thing he knew you wouldn't like, and definitely hadn't consented to, breaching your boundaries while you were in a vulnerable state.

His calling you emotionally abusive is a classic abusers' tactic.

As PP's have said, keeping his demands vague is perfect for him, as he maybe hopes to get you to run around doing everything of every kind that you think might please him.

The whole thing boils down to he doesn't have much respect for you.

Hmmm, I haven't RTFT (I usually would, but time against me!) but I'm inclined to agree with the posts I have read that say - in essence - that if it's something new/not something you would normally expect to hear from him at such a moment, then it's not a good sign.

I think the words you use when you're having sex need to be as consensual as the things you do. My DH and I do sometimes use the kind of language your H used with you, OP, but the difference is, we are both aware it's not 'real', and certainly doesn't reflect his feelings about me. It's just another thing in our 'spicing things up occasionally' armoury, and if one of us isn't in the mood for that kind of thing then we leave it for the time being. No one puts anyone under any pressure.

But in the context you're describing, OP, it isn't anything like respectful or mutually agreed Worse than that, it has left you feeling very unhappy and unsettled and doubting yourself. That's not something that should happen in a mutually respectful sexual relationship

I think the words you use when you're having sex need to be as consensual as the things you do. My DH and I do sometimes use the kind of language your H used with you, OP, but the difference is, we are both aware it's not 'real', and certainly doesn't reflect his feelings about me. It's just another thing in our 'spicing things up occasionally' armoury, and if one of us isn't in the mood for that kind of thing then we leave it for the time being. No one puts anyone under any pressure.

Absolutely. Same for me and my DP. In no way does it reflect how he feels about me in general - it's a pre-agreed sexual activity/ kink. It also doesn't mean I lack self-respect, nor that I'm emotionally unhealthy, as has been suggested on here. It's a sexual kink - one small aspect of a person's life and practices. It doesn't reflect the entire person or indeed relationship.

But - if it's not pre-agreed, or enjoyable by either party, or comes out of the blue - I agree it wouldn't have felt nice to me either.

I don't think he mentioned something bad. It was maybe about his fantasy. Don't overthink yourself :)

livefornaps
@Branleuse, lollll can you imagine "c'mon yeh fat bastard, put your back into it, keep that flaccid cock of yours inside me, come on, mushroom -stump, is that all you've got, shove your flab up, fill me with those droopy balls of yours"

Oh you would be surprised at the huge amount of men that would get turned on by this

😂😂

@SoulofanAggron

He sounds abusive/nasty in a lot of ways.

As your DH, of course people can have kind of a slip of the tongue/get carried away, but he will know what both of you have had in your sex life in the past, and have an idea of what your boundaries are. You're his wife, it's not like he wouldn'tve known that isn't usually something on the menu.

I've done some BDSM including a brief supposedly 24/7 thing, and even with casual stuff which has just happened to include a bit of verbal abuse, there's always a bit of a lead-up, a testing the waters to see if it's something I'd be up for. I think ideally that is not something that's done without a brief discussion of whether someone likes it or not. I mean, just a sentence or two at least.

Instead, he chose to spring an activity on you in sex which you had not consented to. It's not just a matter of a couple of words; it's verbal abuse and that is something that shouldn't happen without being discussed.

Maybee he enjoyed doing a thing he knew you wouldn't like, and definitely hadn't consented to, breaching your boundaries while you were in a vulnerable state.

His calling you emotionally abusive is a classic abusers' tactic.

As PP's have said, keeping his demands vague is perfect for him, as he maybe hopes to get you to run around doing everything of every kind that you think might please him.

The whole thing boils down to he doesn't have much respect for you.

Instead, he chose to spring an activity on you in sex which you had not consented to. It's not just a matter of a couple of words; it's verbal abuse and that is something that shouldn't happen without being discussed

Excellent point

@TooSensibleOfMyDefects

*Another man who’s watched far too much porn and doesn’t have a clue how to stimulate a woman. Emotionally healthy people shouldn’t get turned on be degrading/being degraded IMO*

This!

I appreciate not everyone likes the same things but I can't wrap my head around 'dirty talk' being degrading or insulting and that being a turn on. Guess I'm just 'doing it wrong'

No. You aren’t doing it wrong. You’re just not a “pick me”.

An ex guy I was kinda "dating" used to call me his little slut etc in sex, we had an understanding. But once he accidentally called me a bitch instead and immediately apologised and said he didn't mean it!

Context is everything. Given that you're experiencing marital difficulties and were expecting sexual intimacy, trying to rebuild a connection, then his timing is way off and it's understandable that you are upset, even some time later.

Equally, that doesn't mean that posters who are "not bothered" by their partner behaving this way are somehow emotionally unhealthy. Their viewpoint is as valid as those saying "Oh no, I'd hate that. He obviously watches too much porn." Each to their own.

The only real issue here is how you move on. You've told him you're upset, he's apologised. In a healthy relationship that would be the end of the matter but this is evidently part of a much wider problem.

Equally, that doesn't mean that posters who are "not bothered" by their partner behaving this way are somehow emotionally unhealthy. Their viewpoint is as valid as those saying "Oh no, I'd hate that. He obviously watches too much porn." Each to their own.

Quite! Imagine being so arrogant so as to judge strangers as "emotionally unhealthy" based on one small aspect of their lives. Imagine others being - shock horror - different to you but just as emotionally healthy!

@LouJ85

Equally, that doesn't mean that posters who are "not bothered" by their partner behaving this way are somehow emotionally unhealthy. Their viewpoint is as valid as those saying "Oh no, I'd hate that. He obviously watches too much porn." Each to their own.

Quite! Imagine being so arrogant so as to judge strangers as "emotionally unhealthy" based on one small aspect of their lives. Imagine others being - shock horror - different to you but just as emotionally healthy!

But what she is describing is verbal abuse.

Some women “love” their partner getting jealous and being controlling. Some women “don’t mind” being slapped and pushed around because it’s evidence being in a “passionate” relationship.

These are all examples of abuse that are worth taking a deeper look at. Why do these women feel that their degradation is an essential part of their sex life? Why do these men feel that degrading their partner in this way is an essential part of their sex life?

*But what she is describing is verbal abuse.

Some women “love” their partner getting jealous and being controlling. Some women “don’t mind” being slapped and pushed around because it’s evidence being in a “passionate” relationship.

These are all examples of abuse that are worth taking a deeper look at. Why do these women feel that their degradation is an essential part of their sex life? Why do these men feel that degrading their partner in this way is an essential part of their sex life?*

It's a sexual act for some women (who are consenting and enjoy it) - no more, no less. It does not reflect the dynamics in the relationship at any other time - it is purely a sexual kink.
Where there are other concerning and abusive issues in a relationship - entirely different matter. But where a woman not only consents but on occasion enjoys this as part of a sexual act, it's not the same as abuse. There's an important distinction. And to make a blanket statement that "anyone who enjoys this is emotionally unhealthy" is complete rubbish. It's like me saying anyone who doesn't enjoy the exact same things that I do during sex is emotionally unhealthy. Who the hell am I to make that judgement of two consenting adults enjoying sex? That was my point.

And also to say women who enjoy this "must lack self respect". Again, what judgemental bollocks.

I could say "women who overeat to the point of obesity have no self respect". But I wouldn't. Because 1) it's fucking rude, and 2) judging a person's level of self respect and emotional functioning based on one aspect of their lives is incredibly narrow minded.

Some women* “love” their partner getting jealous and being controlling. Some women “don’t mind” being slapped and pushed around because it’s evidence being in a “passionate” relationship.
*
I don't think this is a great comparison. What you are describing is a woman who has been worn down by abuse.

During sexual activity, there is often a level of fantasy and role play that both partners are on board with and consenting to. Therefore language that would, in any other context, be considered abusive, becomes part of the fantasy / role play that both partners have signed up to, and therefore isn't the same as abuse.

**And also to say women who enjoy this "must lack self respect". Again, what judgemental bollocks.

I could say "women who overeat to the point of obesity have no self respect". But I wouldn't. Because 1) it's fucking rude, and 2) judging a person's level of self respect and emotional functioning based on one aspect of their lives is incredibly narrow minded.**

Completely agree.

No. You aren’t doing it wrong. You’re just not a “pick me”.

This makes no sense. 'Pick me' for what? Are you suggesting only single people who are trying to impress enjoy dirty talk, or other sexual acts?

@LittleBoPeep95

*No. You aren’t doing it wrong. You’re just not a “pick me”.*

This makes no sense. 'Pick me' for what? Are you suggesting only single people who are trying to impress enjoy dirty talk, or other sexual acts?

I have no idea what this "pick me" rubbish refers to either, to be honest. It's been trotted out on a few threads. Just makes me go

I appreciate not everyone likes the same things but I can't wrap my head around 'dirty talk' being degrading or insulting and that being a turn on

It's funny because, I can't get my head around how people having sex in the missionary position every time, with lights out, no sexy underwear involved, once a month, can be a turn on. But you know what ... I don't need to get my head around it, because it doesn't affect me. So I just do what works for me within the parameters of my own loving, consensual relationship.

Each to their own, and all that.

"These are all examples of abuse that are worth taking a deeper look at. Why do these women feel that their degradation is an essential part of their sex life? Why do these men feel that degrading their partner in this way is an essential part of their sex life?"

In the OP's case, I can see that it would be perceived as abusive. It was unexpected and out of the blue. It's right that she's upset. I would be.

However, it is not abusive if I've had a detailed conversation with my partner about what language i consent to. Just because I consent to the word "bitch" doesn't mean I consent to being called a "whore". It's all shades of grey.

I'm not sure who "these women" are... that suggests that "we" are all the same and have no individuality. Stereotyping much? 🤨Everybody has their own preferences and desires.

I don't view degradation as an "essential" part of my sex life life at all. A lot of the time, a nice cuddle will suffice. 🤗 That said, many strong, independent women like to relinquish control to their partner and, unless you have an understanding of the emotional intent behind that, you'll continue to view it as abuse.

“Pick Me Girl tries to distinguish herself from other women by subverting traditionally constructed femininity to impress and attract men”

For example, a woman being upset about being verbally abused during sex is too “tame” or boring in bed.

I’m not saying these women shouldn’t include verbal abuse in their sex lives, I’m saying that it warrants a deeper reflection and consideration in WHY she feels like that. Also, WHY the men are turned on by using degrading language.