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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:17

Talk to her

ConorMasonsWife · 01/02/2021 16:19

You're free to leave, but honestly it's a bit odd that you even have sex with her knowing she isn't enjoying it and doesn't actually want it🤷🏻‍♀️ I definitely don't think she should be made to do things she doesn't like and feel comfortable with just because you want to.

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 16:21

Sorry op but it sounds like she either isnt into sex or isnt into sex with you.

I don't know if talking to her will help tbh but you need to tell her what you've told us. Show her your post maybe and see what she says.

If you cant find mutual satisfaction in sex then you might as well just be friends that live together. And at 35, I dont think either of you should settle for this.

honeysuckle21 · 01/02/2021 16:21

I don't think 2-3 times a week is unusually bad for a ltr it's probably going to naturally dwindle with most partners tbh over time.
But if your not happy with the quality of it then talk to her

cherrypop86 · 01/02/2021 16:22

I don't think you're expecting too much, no. If she doesn't want it, you can't make her but doesn't mean you have to put up with it. I agree you should talk to her maybe there's an issue that can be resolved and worth working through. Or maybe you're both on different wavelengths and it's better to separate.

MaLarkinn · 01/02/2021 16:22

Run, run very fast op.

You've spoken to her, nothing changes. You will keep repeating this pattern and get nowhere, it's soul destroying.

Someone will be along in a moment to ask if you're pulling your weight around the house Hmm

You're so young, you should be having loads of great sex.

Mistystar99 · 01/02/2021 16:22

I would separate. There are no kids to worry about. You're still young. It won't get better, these things never do. Embrace the rest of your life!

Scrunchy95 · 01/02/2021 16:22

Your sex drives don't match. Perhaps have an honest conversation with her and maybe find a compromise - less often but more involved perhaps. You are having a lot more sex than my husband and I, but when we do we are both very into it and it only gets better.

Perhaps a few self-manufactured orgasms in private might also help.

mechanicalwonder · 01/02/2021 16:23

has it always been like this?

FifteenToes · 01/02/2021 16:24

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

That's the salient part of your post. Those are really not good enough reasons for staying in a fundamentally unsatisfying relationship.

It's not really a question of "expecting too much" or not. Your girlfriend is clearly either asexual, has a low libido, or just doesn't fancy you. Expecting someone in that situation to act out a whole lot of regular interesting sex that they don't want - well, yes it's too much. For her. Though clearly not enough for you.

You'd be much better off as friends. You can sort out the mortgage.

LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 16:25

It all starts in the mind and in your case, it is no longer in the mind for her.

LittleBoPeep95 · 01/02/2021 16:25

* I would separate. There are no kids to worry about. You're still young. It won't get better, these things never do. Embrace the rest of your life!*

Totally agree. Life is too short to be unsatisfied sexually!!!

Original poster
Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:26

@Silenceisgolden20

Talk to her
Tried and just ends badly. I always feel ridiculous when mentioning it and don't ever want to be perceived or accused of coercing her. I want it to be her decision.
OP posts:
4redSocks · 01/02/2021 16:26

I think she seems selfish OP. You need to talk to her.

I agree with another poster while you don’t have kids get out now. This isn’t fair on you.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:27

Maybe she's unhappy with your sex life too?

willloman · 01/02/2021 16:28

Isn't so much a question of 'quantity' as 'quality'. If she's not into it, don't do it. Find the right match for you - sex should not be drudgery.

Original poster
Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:28

@ConorMasonsWife

You're free to leave, but honestly it's a bit odd that you even have sex with her knowing she isn't enjoying it and doesn't actually want it🤷🏻‍♀️ I definitely don't think she should be made to do things she doesn't like and feel comfortable with just because you want to.
Its not quite like that. She will initiate all sex now as I don't like to put any pressure on her. But its like she's doing me a favour when it actually starts. And she wants it over quickly. I don't enjoy it.
OP posts:
Ladyporter · 01/02/2021 16:30

Were things ever good? Why did you commit to each other knowing you were incompatible?

Original poster
Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:30

@cherrypop86

I don't think you're expecting too much, no. If she doesn't want it, you can't make her but doesn't mean you have to put up with it. I agree you should talk to her maybe there's an issue that can be resolved and worth working through. Or maybe you're both on different wavelengths and it's better to separate.
Is it an immature and selfish reason to end a relationship?

Its such a strong desire for me but also makes me feel guilty and pathetic that I love sex so much

OP posts:
Livandme · 01/02/2021 16:30

You have no dc. It's fairly easy.
Get packed up.
You will both be happier in the long term

Ohalrightthen · 01/02/2021 16:31

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

If you can tell she isn't enjoying it, why the hell are you doing it?

annabellacomestotea · 01/02/2021 16:33

I think it's natural in LTR for sexual interest to die down or die completely. There's a book about it, 'Mating in Captivity.' I've always struggled maintaining sexual interest with one man past 2 years...which terrifies me. It sounds like your partner's sexual interest in a monogamous relationship has dwindled. For some reason, she is reluctant to talk about this, perhaps she feels guilty, confused or doesn't want to face what it might mean for your relationship.

I think you both need to talk. It may mean the relationship is over sexually or romentically for her.

Wearywithteens · 01/02/2021 16:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:34

@mechanicalwonder

has it always been like this?
Its gotten worse but was never great except maybe for thr first 2 months were she couldn't get enough of me.

Its been on my mind for years.

Maybe I have the wrong attitude. But I've never had sex on my couch, I've never seen her in a sexy outfit. She does nothing to appeal to my sexual needs. I haven't had oral sex for years. Where as I would literally do anything she asked.

OP posts:
stabbypokey · 01/02/2021 16:35

I think she’s gone off you, but can’t face it yet. Usually you find the sex stops or goes off the boil 2 years before a relationship ends. Assuming no babies or other factors are an issue.