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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:18

Wanting an an enthusiastic sexual partner in a committed relationship and a nice home is not an unreasonable expectation at 35 it really isn't!!!

Thank Christ for that, thought I was losing the plot. Grin

tigerlily20 · 01/02/2021 19:20

Buy her a sexy outfit you want to see her in and say, I think you would look so nice in this...bit of role play, lube. Maybe she needs some reassurance for her self-esteem, maybe she doesn't feel attractive to you anymore. If this doesn't work then I'd call it quits.

BibbityBobbety · 01/02/2021 19:21

@LouJ85 Och, there's plenty of women like you and me! Play acting costumes, sexy underwear, toys - there's a reason so many are sold that newer players are entering the market. It's just that most people don't discuss their sex lives openly so you never know. Though I am amused that people don't realise a lot of women wear sexy underwear for themselves too, not just for men! French lace, and satin/silk is pretty comfortable, and makes you feel as sexy as a pair of high heels, and a nice dress.

Whitecup4 · 01/02/2021 19:22

From your updates it sounds like you have two options- (and I would say this to a women also)

1, put up with it
2, leave.

I suggest option 2 but it’s your call obviously

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:22

[quote BibbityBobbety]@LouJ85 Och, there's plenty of women like you and me! Play acting costumes, sexy underwear, toys - there's a reason so many are sold that newer players are entering the market. It's just that most people don't discuss their sex lives openly so you never know. Though I am amused that people don't realise a lot of women wear sexy underwear for themselves too, not just for men! French lace, and satin/silk is pretty comfortable, and makes you feel as sexy as a pair of high heels, and a nice dress.[/quote]

Phew! I'm not alone then Grin

Yes exactly! When I wear new sexy lingerie from Ann Summers and sprawl across the bed for him, I'm doing it as much for ME as for him. Because it makes me feel amazing. I think people struggle to understand how women can possibly enjoy that? 🤷‍♀️

RandomMess · 01/02/2021 19:26

Seriously if you were 65 I'd tell you to count your blessings.

55 with a similar aged partner and only 10 years of crap sex and say weigh it up carefully.

35!!!! You are only 35!!!

JumpOnAPlane · 01/02/2021 19:27

I think you know what has to happen.

You deserve to be happy as does she.

Some relationships just don't last and when they don't it's just time to end it and move on.

samanthawashington · 01/02/2021 19:29

Look, you are not happy. She is not happy having to put out twice a week and do something she doesn't enjoy. Personally I would hate having sex with someone who wasn't enjoying it. You're not compatible as lovers and compatibility as friends isn't enough for most marriages.

She will never enjoy sex with you.

LittleBoPeep95 · 01/02/2021 19:32

Yes, some of bloody love it. But I'm starting to realise as a woman I'm firmly in the minority (however it's a minority position I'm more than happy to occupy as I get lots out of it too)

I'm with you! I Absolutely love sex, and I love pleasuring my partner. Getting him off gets me off Wink

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 19:33

I gave another example further up thread. Someone suggested the OP's partner was being selfish, and another poster in response queried "well we haven't heard her side have we, how do we know she's selfish". Yet on posts where women say their male partners are doing x, y, or z and it's making them unhappy, you'd be far less likely to see anyone challenge an assumption that he's "selfish".

Thats because a lot, actually most of the posters on this site are female and have experience of the partners side. If this was a site full of men responding to the male OP, I could guarantee there would be basically 100% support for him and his feelings.

Yes, there are plenty of people who just don't really like sex, OPs partner could be one of them, or there could be reasons for it. Either way it doesn't sound like they are compatible, and for them both to have put up with this for 10 years when they were really only compatable sexually for the first couple of months of the relationship, is a bit strange.

OP is under no obligation to stay, and I agree that he should end the relationship. They have nothing to keep th together, and it doesn't look likely its going to improve.

GingerFigs · 01/02/2021 19:37

@Ac198 I have been in your situation, with me being the one who didn't want sex. It happens. In long term relationships the novelty can wear off if you are mis-matched, which it sounds like you are.

Do not waste any more time. You are young. You will meet someone else. You won't be alone forever. My only regret was staying as long as I stayed. I thought he'd realise things were bad and would end it or at least we'd have the conversation, but it dragged on and on until I pulled the plug.

The biggest piece of advice is (and I don't even know if this is on the table as a possibility, plus I'll probably get flamed) is DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with your partner. Sometimes people think it will bring them together and it's a reason to have sex but you are digging a deeper hole to climb out of and putting kids into this is unfair.

Tell her you're unhappy and leave. If you want to give relationship counselling a try then go for it, but reading your posts you just need to bite the bullet and leave. Houses and mortgages are just paperwork.

winterchills · 01/02/2021 19:40

In my opinion I would separate. Clearly the spark isn't there anymore and sex is a big thing in a relationship especially if like you said you have a high sex drive. Best to separate now you may both meet someone amazing for each other! You never know what's around the corner.

You could try talking to her but she can't really help the way she feels neither can you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 19:46

Oft it didn't take long for this thread to draw in a couple of posters desperate to describe how much they love dressing up, sex toys and what sexy things they love to do for their partners 😂.

Wearywithteens · 01/02/2021 19:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:51

@LittleBoPeep95

*Yes, some of bloody love it. But I'm starting to realise as a woman I'm firmly in the minority (however it's a minority position I'm more than happy to occupy as I get lots out of it too) *

I'm with you! I Absolutely love sex, and I love pleasuring my partner. Getting him off gets me off Wink

Oh good, there's a few of us then. Grin

Wearywithteens · 01/02/2021 19:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:52

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Oft it didn't take long for this thread to draw in a couple of posters desperate to describe how much they love dressing up, sex toys and what sexy things they love to do for their partners 😂.

Or, some people just have different experiences and desires to you, and they share them.

That's equally as valid as your viewpoint I'm afraid.

CorianderBee · 01/02/2021 19:52

I think 2-3 times a week is a lot tbh. Sounds like she doesn't want it that much and is going through the motions. Would you prefer sex less often but only when she's actually into it?

Lauren551 · 01/02/2021 19:53

I was your partner , I’ve been with my partner 12 years and I totally lost interest in having sex with him about 6 years in , honestly I don’t know why ? I still fancier him but I just didn’t want sex with him . He tired talking to me about it for years and I batted it off and I didn’t realise how bad he felt at the rejection , he used to say he felt like I was doing it just for his benefit like you said , anyway fast forward a few years in this terrible rut he got really drunk one night and I discovered he had called some escorts on a lads night out , don’t think he ever went through with it but as much as it broke my heart I kind of new it was coming as I did nothing for him sexually and didn’t show him that affection. We seperated for 7 months after I found that out but now we are back together and our sex life is better than ever , honestly if it’s not working just leave , nothing you say will get through to her I’ve been that person , sometimes we don’t realise how important it is to another person having a good sex life

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 01/02/2021 19:55

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Oft it didn't take long for this thread to draw in a couple of posters desperate to describe how much they love dressing up, sex toys and what sexy things they love to do for their partners 😂.
The point is some women do. I've been both the woman lying back and thinking if England, and the woman sprawled on the bed in the sexy undies. Sexuality is complex.

Anyway I think most of us agree the only thing OP can really do is attempt to talk to his partner again , or accept they are not compatible in this area and separate.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:56

Thats because a lot, actually most of the posters on this site are female and have experience of the partners side. If this was a site full of men responding to the male OP, I could guarantee there would be basically 100% support for him and his feelings.

I'm female and able to appreciate the viewpoints of both genders and express support and empathy for both. Some of us are more open minded.

*Yes, there are plenty of people who just don't really like sex, OPs partner could be one of them, or there could be reasons for it. Either way it doesn't sound like they are compatible, and for them both to have put up with this for 10 years when they were really only compatable sexually for the first couple of months of the relationship, is a bit strange.

OP is under no obligation to stay, and I agree that he should end the relationship. They have nothing to keep th together, and it doesn't look likely its going to improve.*

I don't disagree with any of this and haven't stated that I do. I in fact stated that OP needs to consider whether or not this is a deal breaker for him.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:57

The point is some women do.

Yes, but gos forbid we express it loud! We become "desperate", apparently. Grin

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 19:58

*god forbid

Elmo311 · 01/02/2021 19:58

Tbh it's probably because she doesn't orgasm.
Sex gets tedious without an orgasm. It's so easy for men compared to women....

However, my partner and I use toys to get me there. But sometimes I do want sex to be over quickly as I know I'm not going to cum!

Probably selfish. But If you never came, would you want sex as much as you do?

Plussizejumpsuit · 01/02/2021 20:00

Reading your latest udte @Ac198 I'm not sure how much hope there is. Does she realise how serious this is for you?

It's ok for her to have no interest in sex but it's not ok for her to expect this from you. I think it's not selfish to end a relationship over this if it's really important to you.

I probably have a higher sex drive and broader interests than my partner. But he is willing to try and listen. He also really enjoys sex. But like most people, life gets in the way of frequency at time. But the difference is I know the enthusiasm is there.

People are different but I do think if she's in her 30s I'm surprised she has a closed attitude to toys. Yeah dressing up and dirty talk and kink isn't for everyone. But I think most people would be open to sex toys in that age range. I'm 35 myself.