Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

I feel your pain, I'm in a similar position except it's my DH who has no drive to experiment in bed. The difference is that he at least has a similar sex drive so I'm confident he's happy with our 1-2x per week. But I'm so bored of doing the exact same thing every time, whereas he seems quite happy with it and gets quite sensitive if I ever try to raise it, like I'm saying he's bad in bed. But he's not, I just think any normal human would get bored of the same thing and find it predictable and therefore less sexy.

I think part of the issue for me is part of the turn on would be him initiating something different, but he doesn't, so then I get bored and fed up. But I don't want to initiate things differently as that's not as sexy for me as him making the changes.

People who say 'talk to them' don't appreciate that some people are super uncomfortable talking about sex and take any conversation as a criticism of their ability in bed.

@ConorMasonsWife

You're free to leave, but honestly it's a bit odd that you even have sex with her knowing she isn't enjoying it and doesn't actually want it🤷🏻‍♀️ I definitely don't think she should be made to do things she doesn't like and feel comfortable with just because you want to.

This.

End the relationship and meanwhile stop guilting her into sex. There's a word for that.

You really need to talk with her. Tell her the things you are telling us. If she seriously, totally, 100% refuses to talk about it, then unfortunately you have your answer and this isn't a healthy relationship so should really end. You could try couples counselling, not sure if possible during the pandemic/lockdown, maybe when things are more open.
My guess is that she has passed into some sort of 'brother/sister', or 'friend' relationship with you and therefore isn't able to feel the sexual attraction that you need and deserve. In which case, you could try sex therapy but my guess is that it is far too late to try to fix, so it's best to part ways. Sorry OP.

Honestly, she probably feels the same.

Leave. It won't get better. That's just not normal in a relationship with no kids. I am a little older than you and my partner and I both have kids but we are spontaneous and have a very active sex life. We talk about what we like. We have toys, nice underwear, plan romantic sexy treats for each other. A good sexual relationship really brings great closeness and intimacy to your relationship. It sounds like she is just not interested.....

What would her reaction be OP if you stopped having sex at all? Next time she initiates if you said you didn't want to because you can tell she doesn't enjoy it and it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Would she discuss it then maybe?
I completely went off sex with my ex husband. There were a lot of reasons why but I massively became a chore in my head and it got worse and worse and worse.

You are fundamentally incompatible and need to split now.

Has she ever talked about her past relationships? Anything that could give you an idea of whether she's a very sexual person or not?

I stayed with a guy for seven years (and had a child) who never shared his sexual fantasies, never gave oral (would receive happily enough), no sex outdoors or anything... we didn't break up for that reason, it was something else. After the split, I realised that all that is massive dealbreaker for me.

I wonder if sex therapy might be worth a try if you are committed to the relationship in every other way? might she be open to that? I think you can do it via zoom so even during lockdown.

I also wanted to draw your attention to this: "How will I ever know? She won't talk about it. She's never once given me an indication of what to do for her".

Most communication during sex is not verbal so of course she's given you an indication of what to do for her. Have you been able to hear it though? If not therapy might help you both communicate better. I think she doesn't like you 'rubbing her' btw, which would also be the case for me. Even the idea makes me wince.

She doesn't seem to have any interest in making your sex life better - either on your terms or hers - which is really the biggest sign that this relationship is done. As PP have said there are lots of reasons where libido can go down - medical, stress, anxiety - but whereas couples can ride out a long drought if they both actually want to get to a good sexual place again, she seems to have lost interest entirely. It doesn't really matter whether that's because she has an innately lower/zero sex drive, whether she's not into you specifically, or anything else. You won't be able to fix it alone and she isn't invested in it.

Yes the mortgage will be a faff to deal with but that's a very lazy reason to deny yourself a chance to be happier than you are in this corpse of a relationship!

And no, this level of sexual incompatibility isn't a selfish or immature reason to split.

It's actually more mature to split before the incompatibility festers into real resentment and you're both closer to 50 than 30. If you break up now you might even walk away still having some respect for each other.

But I've never had sex on my couch, I've never seen her in a sexy outfit. She does nothing to appeal to my sexual needs. I haven't had oral sex for years

You’ve never had those things... are they things that she’s into?

I agree with everyone else. You’re sexually incompatible. It sounds like it’s probably always been this way, given that you’re craving things you’ve never had with her. She’s unlikely to wake up one day and suddenly want to do the things you want...

It’s never going to get easier to walk away than it is now. It’s a shame, for all of you, but you deserve to be satisfied and she deserves to not have to have sex that she doesn’t want, or feel pressured to perform in a way that she never has.

To be honest OP I feel exactly as your partner dies- except I am 59. I started at 16 and to be frank it no longer is a big deal for me (although sadly is for my husband) I honestly have tried but the thing is it’s really not nice mentally to have to force it , and however much I care about my H I just don’t like sex that much— like a lady said above I’m I know for first couple of years with someone and then I just go off it. If she isn’t interested now I doubt very much she is suddenly going to be into kinky weekends etc- she sounds like me, she just isn’t that sexual. I would advise you to split because whilst it seems harsh in the long wrong if you are trying to make her be something she isn’t , it will get her down. In many cases splits don’t happen because one person is worried about causing upset to the other— because essentially they do care and are friends— but that’s the issue- great friends is to a large extent all that’s left

I think the only way ahead is to talk about it. Outside of the bedroom or any sexual contact. I think you could do with looking into how yiu approach a subject in a non judgemental way. So things like, what are you feeling about our sex life? What is going on for you. Rather than I feel xxx.

It sounds like you're having a decent amount of sex but it's not they type you want. So your still unsatisfied. This isn't going to change unless the sex changes. Just like any other issue in a relationship if yiu can't even talk about if then you either need to accept how things are or end the relationship.

I understand these conversations are awkward. I had one about something I wanted to do this week. It was embarrassing even after 16 years together. But the other option was I don't get the sex I want as my partner isn't a mid reader.

@Closetbeanmuncher

There are two types of people when it comes to sexuality....

Type A - The ones who want to try lots of different things with one person and have their variety by experimentation

Type B - The ones who have the same(ish) sexual routine and think the only way to have variety is with a different person. They have their variety via people.

You are of type A and your partner of type B. It doesn't work OP.

Don't let anyone give you this oh it always gets boring after x amount of years line because if you're compatible it's simply not true.

Is it an immature and selfish reason to end a relationship?

In my eyes no and it would be soul destroying for anyone to try and maintain a sexual relationship with someone who didn't want them. The situation is neither healthy nor sustainable.

Wow. This is exactly how I feel. I find it really hard to get across how I feel or why I feel a certain way.

But this sums it up. I am type A, I want to try lots of different things with one person and have variety by experimentation.

I don't need to cheat or sleep with lots of people. I am content with 1 person but I want to experience and experiment my sexual desires and thoughts with them and feel a closeness.

I think my girlfriend may be asexual and would be like this with any long term relationship.

Please see my previous comments on this. No one is guilting anyone into sex.

What happens if you do try and talk - if you sat her down and said, "I feel that you often initiate sex with me because you feel like you have to, rather than you want to. I don't want that, and I'd like to see what we can do to make our sex life something that you're enthusiastic about".

Would she just refuse to talk about it? Because that's an issue in itself - I wouldn't be able to be with someone who refused to discuss a big issue in our relationship.

She either doesn't really want sex, doesn't want sex with you, or wants you to do something differently. If she isn't willing to tell you which of those it is so you could make an informed decision, I'd walk away. Life is too short - not just for a relationship without satisfying sex life (if that's something you want - I know some people don't care) but also for a relationship with someone who refuses to communicate.

For what it's worth, I believe sex is very important to a relationship and a completely justified reason to leave. Don't feel 'silly'.

What contraception is she on? For me the implant and the depo shot shot seem to work by killing my sex drive which I suppose is a pretty effective way to stop me getting pregnant.

Is she depressed or on any other medication that could be affecting her mood?

Ultimately you could just be incompatible sexually but sometimes there's more to it and while you say you've had conversations, if the rest of the relationship is good then there may be more to explore.

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

What would her reaction be OP if you stopped having sex at all? Next time she initiates if you said you didn't want to because you can tell she doesn't enjoy it and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Would she discuss it then maybe? I completely went off sex with my ex husband. There were a lot of reasons why but I massively became a chore in my head and it got worse and worse and worse.

I have tried this occasionally. She acts like I'm being awkward. Almost like 'well I offered you a quickie and you didn't take it'. Which I find odd and off putting.

How did you sort your issues?

Have you ever asked what she is resentful about? I think it would be good to ask and for you to really hear what she says. She may feel like she is carrying the mental load of the relationship.

Aside that I think your relationship is over and better to end it now than drag it on.

Is there a reason why you haven't had children yet?

First and most importantly, DO NOT have children with this woman. And make absolutely sure you don’t risk any ‘accidents’. You really don’t want to make the situation any worse than it is.

As for the sex, the reality is that this will not improve on its own, you will never be satisfied with the current situation, and you are far too young to settle for it. Either she isn’t into sex, or she isn’t into sex with you, which means you need to work together to improve the situation or accept that you are incompatible.

Good luck.

It doesn't sound silly to me just not as important as it might have felt years ago. It's not to be underestimated feeling unwanted sexually but what you want doesn't necessarily trump what she wants. It's not that you are wrong and she is right or the other way round. It's just not working but what is telling is that your relationship isn't strong enough to raise it. Just tell her it needs to be discussed or maybe text her or write her a letter but if you do maybe try to sound a bit more grown up as some of what you type sounds a bit grim in its phrasing.

@Wearywithteens

“I think she seems selfish OP.”

Yeah that’s right - this woman who none of us know is just being purely selfish - there couldn’t be possibly anything else could there? Like another side to the story?

I find it interesting how, on the many, many threads where women complain about their male partners, where there are numerous assumptions and negative comments made about him, there's very rarely a suggestion of "but we haven't heard his side". Yet a man posts, someone suggests the female partner might have a negative quality, and it's "but we haven't heard her side!"

Interesting.

I will say this. Life will get more frustrating for you and you will resent her even more. Splits are always messy. I've walked in your shoes and I eventually left. Probably eight years too late.

@tootiredtospeak

Also I dont dress up deffo dont do anything on the couch...3 kids and oral is sporadic. That said we both do enjoy it and did all those things many moons ago. I dont know you have a communication issue really not a sex issue but 10 years is a while maybe suggest counselling or split up see what she says.

Thats the difference though... we don't have any kids. I my view I'd still like to be doing those things and maximising our freedom.

I don't expect her to be dressing sexy every night. But I wouldn't expect her to be wearing the same primark pants that she had when we met. Its about making an effort for each other.

Am I totally deluded?