Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@BibbityBobbety I know I have a great sex life thanks! He talks of dressing up in certain underwear, sex on the sofa , 'kinky weekends', experimenting with all kinds of positions, sounds a bit rubbish to me. I had a boyfriend at uni who thought this was good sex, it just felt like he was ticking things off of a list and I would predictably get scratchy nylon Anne summers underwear on any occasion.
Good sex is about working out what both people like, having chemistry and being spontaneous and creative, but going to put on some crotchless knickers so you can give him a blowjob 🙄

*My current girlfriend never kisses me. I would love to kiss her intimately and touch her beautiful body, but I know that is not an option. She thinks 'snogging' is for teenagers.

She also won't ever say she loves. Me says she shows it in other ways, like tax returns and organising bills.

I don't want my life organised, I'd swap that for passion!*

It doesn’t sound like this relationship ever really worked for you? It’s not just sex... it’s affection, and physical contact. And there’s probably other things, too.

I think you need to have a real think, but it sounds like you’re going to be forever compromising on almost everything to keep this going, and at some point, you will start feeling resentful about that.

*If this was a woman posting to say she feels like her man isn't interested in sex with her and just goes through the motions, and she's not sure what to do, would you say similar to her? Poor guy, trying his best for you, leave him alone .... ?

I doubt it. I reckon you'd be supportive.*

Actually I've seen that exact scenario a few times on here and usually the conclusion is that if your partner isn't willing or enjoying sex then there could be underlying issues, and he shouldn't be forced or made to feel guilty.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

It can be hard to show willingness and enjoyment if your not ending it or very willing, no matter how much your partner wants you to.

Yes I agree. Which is where the Op needs to make a decision about whether it's a deal breaker for him or not to be in a sexual relationship with someone who isn't enjoying it.

But my point was the ridiculous comments about him having got his expectations from porn, ffs. When his expectations seem pretty basic and mainstream (even quite mild tbh) to me. I mean, as a minimum I'd be hoping a partner was enjoying me sexually. If not, I'd either address it or leave. But I wouldn't expect to be made to feel like a porn addict because that was my basis level requirement

*basic level

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

*If this was a woman posting to say she feels like her man isn't interested in sex with her and just goes through the motions, and she's not sure what to do, would you say similar to her? Poor guy, trying his best for you, leave him alone .... ?

I doubt it. I reckon you'd be supportive.*

Actually I've seen that exact scenario a few times on here and usually the conclusion is that if your partner isn't willing or enjoying sex then there could be underlying issues, and he shouldn't be forced or made to feel guilty.

Interesting. I've personally never seen these comments. I'd be willing to bet they're in the minority though on such threads.

After your last update, you are clearly not compatible, she isn't physically affectionate, she doesn't tell you she loves you, which you need, a pair of nylon knickers isn't going to solve this, don't conflate sex with love.
You need to move on for your own sake

@MerryDecembermas

You want her to perform oral on you.. how often do you / did you perform oral on her? Have you tried improving your technique? Did you take direction and improve, or did you get angry with her when she tried to guide you to please her? Are you giving her orgasms at all?

Never.

But let me be explicit, I'd give her oral sex until I passed out if it was an option. It just isn't. I have to ask before i do it and she just pulls me back up very quickly.

I've asked how I can make it better. I'm open to instructions and willing to learn and change to pleasure her.

She does not orgasm. If she gets one she never says anything. I mentioned it years ago and was made fully aware its a no go subject.

I've mentioned toys and slef pleasure. She said if I ever bought her toys she'd be angry and that an ex did and she just laughed at him. Also that she never touches herself.

I once bought her some nicer underwear and she wore it once and never again. It was nothing kinky just standard.

She appears genuinely not interested

The tough thing is that having a 'nice home' and being friends does not necessarily add up to a happy relationship.

It simply looks like you are not compatible as long-term partner/lovers and there is no real passion/attraction in your relationship.

Unlikely to be fixed by having a conversation.

You are probably both better off with someone else.

Sorry.

@HorseOfPhillipMoss crotchless underwear and blowjobs might do nothing for YOU. But assuming you're in a heterosexual relationship, surely, what turns you on and what turns your partner on are very different things? How on earth can you judge someone for liking sexy underwear and receiving blow jobs? These things have existed as pleasurable for CENTURIES. Have you ever read Victorian erotica? It's helluva jump to say it's porn influenced..

It's like judging a woman for getting turned on by romance, flowers, candlelight, or a six pack, or a man in uniform. Also you realise a lot of women enjoy dressing up and giving oral sex - because it's part of the fun of sex, more than just an orgasm, it's all the play acting and foreplay around it.

If your bf at uni thought this was good sex that's his prerogative, and if you didn't enjoy sex with him, it had nothing to do with wearing you underwear or not.

Please don't think all women like oral sex. Some don't.

@BibbityBobbety I don't know many women who like nylon pants and tick box sex, but each to their own!

Also you realise a lot of women enjoy dressing up and giving oral sex - because it's part of the fun of sex, more than just an orgasm, it's all the play acting and foreplay around it.

Yes, some of bloody love it. But I'm starting to realise as a woman I'm firmly in the minority (however it's a minority position I'm more than happy to occupy as I get lots out of it too)

Interesting. I've personally never seen these comments. I'd be willing to bet they're in the minority though on such threads.

Really, you've seen a lot of threads on here where most posters agree that a man with a low sex drive should be guilted, or coerced into keeping their partner happy by preforming sexual acts they didn't feel comfortable with?

Maybe you could get the ball rolling and lead by example? What sort of sexy outfits have you tried wearing yourself OP?

Some women want the stuff you do and dont get it some men dont want it and feel the same as your DP. There is no right and wrong just differences in what people enjoy and are comfortable with taking into account their own self confidence and how you make them feel. It's just about communicating what you want in a manner you feel she would be comfortable with and compromise.

@BejeweledCrocs

I've been on the other side of this. I didnt enjoy sex. Loved my DP but got zero enjoyment out of sex, it was bad enough doing missionary in bed, let alone creating a performance out of it with costumes and venue changes!

I'd never have managed 2/3 times a week! I'd have found that soul destroying. I felt I had to do once a week and resented it every time.

The problem with "talking about it" is that the aim would always be to try to have more sex not less. I didnt enjoy it full stop so any suggestions on improving it just left me cold.

He would give me ultimatums but it felt like being coerced into sex.

Anyway the relationship ended. Sad but necessary. I'm now happily single. I think you have to leave.

Thank you for this honest opinion and your perspective.

I hate myself for my feeling because I do not want to make my partner feel this way.

I love her. So to hear how it potentially feels from her side is difficult.

I'm all too aware of it. I don't want sex with a reluctant participant. There is no pleasure for either party. Also what you say resonates, what's the point in talking about it. Nothing will change.

I feel like a sick perv for my thoughts sometimes. Like at 35 I should be happy to be in a relationship with a nice house.

You'd be doing her a favour in the long run if you leave.
She's clearly not comfortable or enjoying having sex with you.

Maybe she's too scared to call it a day.
But you're not compatible and neither of you sound happy.

You're not a dick perv for having the sexual wants nuts magazine (others available) promote, it is clear however this isn't really even about sex. She doesn't allow any physical affection, she doesn't say she loves you, you're not having any of your relationship needs met. I think you're fooling yourself that if the sex was different everything would be better, but it's a symptom not a cause.

Excellent autocorrect, sick not dick!

Your relationship seems to have just petered out. You say you're frightened of being single, but how do you feel about spending another 40 years in the same situation? Which is more frightening?

Although selling the house and dividing the equity will create upheaval, it's nothing like what would be involved if you had children. You're both working so that also makes it easier to find new homes you can each afford.

I've come across plenty of people moving house regardless of lockdown. Just look at all the Q&As in the property section here.

Wanting an an enthusiastic sexual partner in a committed relationship and a nice home is not an unreasonable expectation at 35 it really isn't!!!

Please accept you aren't compatible and end it, after 10 years you have given this relationship a chance.

It isn't wrong to say what you like. You're not coercing her just by stating your desires. It does sound like this isn't going to work out, but it's worth trying at least. Not sure why she's so hung up on the frequency, it is bound to be off-putting if she's obviously just going through the motions. Maybe see if you can make things more interesting and have sex less often?

How did you sort your issues?
Unfortunately we didn't. And we're now separated.
However there was a lot going on and he was very selfish and inconsiderate in so many ways. At the end of the day I was exhausted and full of resentment and I felt like 'now you want sex as well, you don't deserve anything more of me!'
There was so much more to it, sex was a symptom.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Interesting. I've personally never seen these comments. I'd be willing to bet they're in the minority though on such threads.

Really, you've seen a lot of threads on here where most posters agree that a man with a low sex drive should be guilted, or coerced into keeping their partner happy by preforming sexual acts they didn't feel comfortable with?

No. I didn't say I'd seen that.

I said I had NOT seen the comments on these threads to the effect "don't guilt him", etc. In other words, sympathy and understanding for the female perspective seems far more abundant than the opposite way around, in general on this site, not just in relation to sex.

I gave another example further up thread. Someone suggested the OP's partner was being selfish, and another poster in response queried "well we haven't heard her side have we, how do we know she's selfish". Yet on posts where women say their male partners are doing x, y, or z and it's making them unhappy, you'd be far less likely to see anyone challenge an assumption that he's "selfish".

My overall point was the seeming double standards on here.