Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

*Is it an immature and selfish reason to end a relationship?

Its such a strong desire for me but also makes me feel guilty and pathetic that I love sex so much*

No, absolutely not. I couldn't be with a man who I felt "wanted it over as quickly as possible", and who I was fundamentally sexually incompatible with. I have a very high sex drive and my DP is the same. I couldn't have it any other way - sexual intimacy is such a very important part of a relationship to me.

OP, it sounds very similar to how my DP describes his unsatisfying sex life with his exW. That she was almost doing him a favour, wanted it over quickly, couldn't be bothered, etc. Needless to say he was deeply unhappy. He says sex with me is on a different level to anything he's known before - not least because I actually desire him for starters! Only you know what you can cope with longer term, but it's not a silly or trivial reason to end a relationship, at all.

You are young and it seems to me that you are both incompatible with each other. It doesn’t sound like she would have any interest in going to counselling so I think you need to decide if you want your life to be like this for the next 5/10/15 years or if you want more out of a relationship?

Don’t have children with this woman, the relationship would just get worse if there is resentment already. I would seriously think about moving on for both of your sakes.

@cravingthelook

I'm a woman and I could have written most of your post. The difference was we'd go months in between having sex. I stayed years - it got to me more and more, my resentment eroded our marriage away (among other things). His inability to have adult communication about it was a death knoll. I split June 19, my only regret is I waited years and was in my 40's by the time I did. If you have mismatched libido and sex styles it won't ever get better. It's not a failing it's simply an incompatibility.

However if I were you I wouldn't bother if she's clearly not enjoying it, lack of enthusiasm would kill it dead for me.

You need to decide what's right for you and have an adult conversation - I suggest you come at it that you have an incompatibility in this area rather than it being someone's fault.

I could have written that. I know exactly how you felt. And yes I was another that did my fair share around the house before anyone stayed the obvious.

*I don't expect her to be dressing sexy every night. But I wouldn't expect her to be wearing the same primark pants that she had when we met. Its about making an effort for each other.

Am I totally deluded?*

Nope. I absolutely love getting dressed up on occasion for my DP. It's a huge part of the fun for us both. There are women out there who would no doubt enjoy this with you, too.

And no you are not totally deluded.
You both have different expectations of a sex life and neither of you is wrong. It can’t be manufactured, it’s about feelings as much as physical urges. This is very important to you so just move on.

I personally would walk away now. Sex is an important of relationships - it offers an intimacy that separates it from friendships, and I think critical for longevity. It's not just her lack of interest in sex, it's her refusal to discuss it or even explain what/why she doesn't enjoy it.

I suspect that like you, she too values the friendship and lifestyle, and the attraction may have gone for her. 35 is too young to settle with someone who doesn't enjoy sex with you, and does it reluctantly always. It will suck the sparkle out of your life if you carry on this way. Ending a relationship over sex is not at all minor or petty - it's a pretty big part of romantic relationships, or we'd all live together and raise kids with friends!

If she refuses to acknowledge this is upsetting you, and you don't think she's likely to change, you can leave. And you will find someone who matches your libido, is sexually attracted to you, and can share the sort of sex life you desire.

@Takingontheflab

OP. Brutally honest here:

If the sex was good, she'd want it.

Plain and simple. Somewhere along the line, Sex because a chore and she closed inwards, doesn't want to explore sexual fantasies because it just drags it out/she feels unable to improve it/confidence to say anything after ten years.

The fact she does it 2/3 pw for you is a testament to her love really. But the fact remains. The sex isn't good for her. It's not just you not enjoying it.

Not sure it's saveable... I'd try couples couselling if you're invested to do so..

I don't agree. Some women are just not bothered. I had an ex who used to say every three or four month when we had sex "that was good why don't we do it more". My reply in my head was "because when I suggest it you aren't bothered".

It's just never going to work.

Find someone else and leave her in peace..Poor lady trying her best to please you but its still not good enough for you.

If the sex was good, she'd want it.

This is a bit of a 'chicken and egg' circular statement. Equally, if she wanted her partner and/or sex more, the sex would be good because she would be approaching it with a different mindset. So I think saying "it must be shit sex therefore she doesn't want it" is far too simplistic. Her disengagement and lack of interest in it in the first place, likely contributes to it being "not good" sex.

Make appointment with relate

@Woolwichgirl

Find someone else and leave her in peace..Poor lady trying her best to please you but its still not good enough for you.

If this was a woman posting to say she feels like her man isn't interested in sex with her and just goes through the motions, and she's not sure what to do, would you say similar to her? Poor guy, trying his best for you, leave him alone .... ?

I doubt it. I reckon you'd be supportive.

Do you watch a lot of porn? Your ideas of what constitutes good sex sound very contrived and cliché.

OP I think what you are looking for is passion. You won't get that from your current relationship. You can settle for less or leave. Your call.

And good sex requires 2 willing, and enthusiastic partners. It's not a solo activity - so I think it's unfair judgement that you're doing something wrong. There are a lot of women (and men) who just don't have a high libido or enjoy sex particularly. And they are better off with partners with a similar attitude to sex. Just like there are plenty of women who love sex, will try basic things like different positions or sex underwear, and you should find someone like that. Sexual incompatibility cannot be resolved. And life really is too short for bad sex.

You want her to perform oral on you.. how often do you / did you perform oral on her? Have you tried improving your technique? Did you take direction and improve, or did you get angry with her when she tried to guide you to please her? Are you giving her orgasms at all?

I've been on the other side of this. I didnt enjoy sex. Loved my DP but got zero enjoyment out of sex, it was bad enough doing missionary in bed, let alone creating a performance out of it with costumes and venue changes!

I'd never have managed 2/3 times a week! I'd have found that soul destroying. I felt I had to do once a week and resented it every time.

The problem with "talking about it" is that the aim would always be to try to have more sex not less. I didnt enjoy it full stop so any suggestions on improving it just left me cold.

He would give me ultimatums but it felt like being coerced into sex.

Anyway the relationship ended. Sad but necessary. I'm now happily single. I think you have to leave.

Do you watch a lot of porn? Your ideas of what constitutes good sex sound very contrived and cliché.

🤦🏼‍♀️
Contrived and cliche?

An indication of willingness and enjoyment on the part of a sexual partner, sexy underwear once in a while, the odd kinky weekend, and spontaneous sex at times that doesn't always have to happen in the bedroom?

Yes dear god, OP - it's so clear that you have got these highly unreasonable expectations from hardcore porn. I mean, who could actually just want these things?!

By the way, I'm female and I love all these things (and more). I can assure you my ideas haven't come from porn. They are just (shock horror) my own natural desires.

@HorseOfPhillipMoss trying different positions or wearing sexy underwear or trying the couch vs the bed is pretty bog standard sex for many couples! And pretty sure has existed for centuries, the kama sutra with all its creative positions was written around 400 BC, so just a little bit before mainstream porn.....

He's not asking for anal or gang bangs or to come on her face or something actually kinky. But sex isn't just a woman lying back and thinking of England, and anything extra over that is not porn influenced.

Do you watch a lot of porn?

Most, not all, women don’t orgasm through penetration and a lot of women, again, not all, fake it for many many reasons. That’s a whole other subject though. If she is happy to try oral, most women orgasm that way. If she is getting something from it more she will probably be willing to do it more.

Don’t bother asking her if that’s the problem though, most women do say the orgasm when they don’t....it really is a whole other subject 😂

OP, your desires and needs are perfectly reasonable.
I am female but also long for the stuff you are missing. I have had to be very forceful with my partner about our 'boring' sex life( never used the word boring though).
He has made some effort, just about enough effort, to make it worth while now- but it could be loads better and more interesting.

@MerryDecembermas

You want her to perform oral on you.. how often do you / did you perform oral on her? Have you tried improving your technique? Did you take direction and improve, or did you get angry with her when she tried to guide you to please her? Are you giving her orgasms at all?

I believe in the op it says she doesn't like to be touched and that he has asked her many times to tell him what she would like and he would willingly do it. This it not because of something he is doing wrong.

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

Do you watch a lot of porn? Your ideas of what constitutes good sex sound very contrived and cliché.

My ideas are very basic and contrived. I agree to an extent. I find the very obvious male turn ons appeal to me.

But I'm a loving guy, I want a partner I can have loving tender sex with. But I also want different types of sex as well.

I also had 2 previous partners who perhaps set unusual expectations for me, in that we had sex all the time.

My current girlfriend never kisses me. I would love to kiss her intimately and touch her beautiful body, but I know that is not an option. She thinks 'snogging' is for teenagers.

She also won't ever say she loves. Me says she shows it in other ways, like tax returns and organising bills.

I don't want my life organised, I'd swap that for passion!

He's not asking for anal or gang bangs or to come on her face or something actually kinky. But sex isn't just a woman lying back and thinking of England, and anything extra over that is not porn influenced.

Glad it's not just me! Honestly you'd think he'd come on here saying "my partner won't get involved in sex parties and BDSM".
He's literally asking for a partner who shows willingness and enjoyment, and a bit of variety and spontaneity. If that make him a porn addict, I must be one too. 😂

It can be hard to show willingness and enjoyment if your not ending it or very willing, no matter how much your partner wants you to.

Enjoying, not ending