Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to leave for this reason. I am in the same position with my DH and it's soul destroying. We have kids though, so it's not as straightforward to just break up.

@4redSocks

I think she seems selfish OP. You need to talk to her.

I agree with another poster while you don’t have kids get out now. This isn’t fair on you.

She's very unselfish in everything else.

By the way I am not lazy, I clean the house do washing etc. I could cook more often I guess.

She just seems to resent me and the things I don't do. Rather then appreciate anything I do do

There are some areas here that have potentially been missed. How long has it been like this for? Is she dealing with anxiety or mental health pressures? Could there be something bigger in her mind stressing her out right now, meaning she can’t relax into it?

If she’s still initiating sex, she’s in to the idea of it. Could something else be holding her back?

You need a frank discussion. You should be able to discuss this after ten years.

Tell her you are concerned that she doesn’t seem to enjoy sex, and you want it to be enjoyable for her. Tell her you want to discuss this openly and can take onboard anything she has to say - then listen.

From personal experience I can tell you that nothing destroys relationships more quickly than having sex you don’t want to have. If she genuinely doesn’t want to be having it, she’s going to come to actively hate it. It’s good that you’re not coercing her but perhaps she feels it’s something she must do. Perhaps there are other issues from her past that make it difficult to open up about or make her feel that this is something she has to do.

It may take her some time to be able to discuss it openly - I wouldn’t automatically assume it’s a write off. If she openly tells you she just doesn’t want sex ever again, doesn’t want things to change etc then that’s one thing, but there may be other factors at play here.

For me, loss of libido occurred due to a medical issue and the treatment I was one. My sex drive just went completely, for years. It only comes back rarely. When it first went I felt like I should carry on doing it because it was unfair not to, which made things so much worse. It’s not that I didn’t love DH, but I lost every ounce of sexuality - I couldn’t even watch sex scenes on TV without feeling physically ill. It’s impossible to explain unless you’ve experienced it.

This maybe nothing like what she’s experiencing - I’m just saying that it’s not always as simple as some people think it is. There may be more to this.

@Silenceisgolden20

Maybe she's unhappy with your sex life too?

How will I ever know? She won't talk about it. She's never once given me an indication of what to do for her.

I past relationships I would feel comfortable asking the partner what I could do for them, what feels good etc. But we have no communication re sex.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would

Maybe she can sense this and is feeling resentment and believes that she is just a convenience for you OP, but feels she doesn't really measure up. She initiates sex twice a week to try to please you, but neither of you are really happy so two choices, walk away and let things be messy for a while or ask her to join you in couples counseling to try to get to a point where you are both happy, either together or to split smoothly as possible.

I'm a woman and I could have written most of your post. The difference was we'd go months in between having sex.
I stayed years - it got to me more and more, my resentment eroded our marriage away (among other things). His inability to have adult communication about it was a death knoll.
I split June 19, my only regret is I waited years and was in my 40's by the time I did.
If you have mismatched libido and sex styles it won't ever get better. It's not a failing it's simply an incompatibility.

However if I were you I wouldn't bother if she's clearly not enjoying it, lack of enthusiasm would kill it dead for me.

You need to decide what's right for you and have an adult conversation - I suggest you come at it that you have an incompatibility in this area rather than it being someone's fault.

@cravingthelook

I'm a woman and I could have written most of your post. The difference was we'd go months in between having sex. I stayed years - it got to me more and more, my resentment eroded our marriage away (among other things). His inability to have adult communication about it was a death knoll. I split June 19, my only regret is I waited years and was in my 40's by the time I did. If you have mismatched libido and sex styles it won't ever get better. It's not a failing it's simply an incompatibility.

However if I were you I wouldn't bother if she's clearly not enjoying it, lack of enthusiasm would kill it dead for me.

You need to decide what's right for you and have an adult conversation - I suggest you come at it that you have an incompatibility in this area rather than it being someone's fault.

I agree, its no ones fault.

I love sex and she isn't particularly bothered about it.

I know in my heart things can't change because its been a decade of the same thing.

It’s not an immature or selfish reason to end a relationship. You are in no way pathetic to love sex. It’s one of the great joys of life, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a sexually compatible relationship.

I think you probably have to cut your losses and leave. That or a lifetime of sex that doesn’t really tick your boxes, given out reluctantly and , I can only think , will dwindle further.

It’s sad that it’s that way , but i think it’s probably true that either you have chemistry or you don’t.

You’re young, and there is plenty of love out there. Lots and lots of women like sex a lot.
Best of luck with it.

Everything @EmptyOrchestra said. I have experienced issues around sex with medication and a mental health issue I have which is based in previous abuse.

It is not always clear cut, but what makes it work for my DH and me is that he knows I love him, we are a great team and talk about everything. I was honest with him before we got together 10 years ago about previous issues. Also, I am accessing targeted support and am helping myself to deal with my past now that I understand it more. We are very happy together and I believe this is because of our solid foundation in communication. Our sex life goes up and down but our love life stays the same and I show him and tell him I love him in many other ways.

What is the rest of your communication and relationship like OP? Do you feel loved and valued?

You really need to separate.
Good sex with the right partner makes an amazing difference to your life.
You're 35, I'm 60.
My sex life is so much better than yours.
Thats ridiculous.

Do you want 45 more years of this?

I think you will need to split up tbh. You've tried talking to her but nothing has changed. It is a friendship, not a relationship. Ive been in sexless long term relationships and it doesn't get better.

2 or 3 times a week is good after 10 years but boring sex doesn't sound great. You need to talk ask her if she is bored and actually what she wants would it be so bad if it was every couple of weeks but more effort. She may want a quickie due to how often you want it and you might just be uncompatable. If it's that then it's the other stuff that makes you compromise and only you know if it's worth it.

Incompatible!!

Also I dont dress up deffo dont do anything on the couch...3 kids and oral is sporadic. That said we both do enjoy it and did all those things many moons ago. I dont know you have a communication issue really not a sex issue but 10 years is a while maybe suggest counselling or split up see what she says.

@tootiredtospeak

2 or 3 times a week is good after 10 years but boring sex doesn't sound great. You need to talk ask her if she is bored and actually what she wants would it be so bad if it was every couple of weeks but more effort. She may want a quickie due to how often you want it and you might just be uncompatable. If it's that then it's the other stuff that makes you compromise and only you know if it's worth it.

It is a lot to some but not to me.

Also for me sex does not just end when I cum. In many ways I'm just getting started.

So I'm up for a quickie every now and then. But also id like a session once in a while or a kinky weekend even.

Sound silly to you maybe.

And some spontaneous sex, not just bed time sex. And maybe to feel wanted sexually.

There are two types of people when it comes to sexuality....

Type A - The ones who want to try lots of different things with one person and have their variety by experimentation

Type B - The ones who have the same(ish) sexual routine and think the only way to have variety is with a different person. They have their variety via people.

You are of type A and your partner of type B. It doesn't work OP.

Don't let anyone give you this oh it always gets boring after x amount of years line because if you're compatible it's simply not true.

Is it an immature and selfish reason to end a relationship?

In my eyes no and it would be soul destroying for anyone to try and maintain a sexual relationship with someone who didn't want them. The situation is neither healthy nor sustainable.

I have been with Dh for 25 years and the sex has never been better. We may not be at it every day but we do have teenager children living here.

There are women who love sex you just aren't with someone who loves sex with you. This is dead in the water, sorry. You have talked, nothing has changed. The resentment will grow on your end and you will regret not leaving sooner. Of course this is a completely valid reason to end a relationship. You don't have to broadcast that, you just say it didn't work out.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would

Maybe she feels the same way so she initiates sex as a way to keep the house and lifestyle she has. She clearly isn't doing it for the sex is she?

Why does this have to be messy anyway? There are no children involved which makes it easier. Get the house valued. Start from there. You are young, you can find someone else.

So she instigates pity sex, I used to do this around 2 years ago, now I don’t do pitty sex maybe drunk sex not often, me and my H have had sex 3 times in 2 years, I feel no sexual desire to him at all, we don’t even kiss not even a peck on the cheek, I resent my husband and this has lead towards not wanting to be affection with him, wish I was in a better position to walk out like you are.
Talk to her explain things if it doesn’t change with in a time period then leave find someone who wants what you want

After 10 years, a conversation around your sex life shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable. I can't imagine why you'd stay with someone so long if you don't feel you can have those kind of conversations, especially if it's been like this for x amount of years.
If she isn't willing to have the conversation, or you don't feel comfortable with having it with her then this relationship is doomed. Sex isn't the most important part, but it's obviously bothering you and if you aren't already you will start to resent that lack of intimacy. I think it might be time to say bye bye so you can both find people better suited to your needs.

Okay, after your last post I would say it’s not going to work.

If she doesn’t want sex at all, and is doing it 2-3 times a week purely for your benefit, and even her enthusiastically engaging that many times a week wouldn’t be enough then the gulf is probably too wide at this point.

She is someone who for whatever reason doesn’t even like to be touched, and you want spontaneous sex and kinky weekends.

It’s very possible that she has an issue like I do, or that she has never liked sex or just doesn’t like having sex with you. Whatever the reason, it’s so unlikely she’s going to go from where she is to wanting sex more than three times a week and having sex whenever / wherever.

Just seen your update. If you can't talk to her about it and she shuts down this is a non-starter. I agree with closet that you are a Type A and she is definitely not.

I understand your frustration that sex is the same quickie every time. No variety, no interest in trying anything different. Ah to have a day in bed when are those bloody schools reopening?

OP. Brutally honest here:

If the sex was good, she'd want it.

Plain and simple. Somewhere along the line, Sex because a chore and she closed inwards, doesn't want to explore sexual fantasies because it just drags it out/she feels unable to improve it/confidence to say anything after ten years.

The fact she does it 2/3 pw for you is a testament to her love really. But the fact remains. The sex isn't good for her. It's not just you not enjoying it.

Not sure it's saveable... I'd try couples couselling if you're invested to do so..

Hi. I am a man and whilst I cant offer a huge amount of advice, I can offer sympathy as I am in the same boat. However I'm a few years older but we haven't had sex for years. I try to spice it up, suggest new positions or new locations but she isn't interested.

I think you are doing the right thing by thinking about it. But as pp have said, then you need to talk. Because if you don't you will be in my position a few years down the line and it will get worse.

You are 35 and you are planning to spend your life in a relationship that is making you unhappy because of the mortgage?

Can you see how insane that sounds?

You and your partner have a major incompatibility. Stay and be miserable or leave and find someone where you can make each other happy. Those are your choices.

You don't even have kids to make it complicated! Leave! No-one should be batshit enough to stay in a miserable sex relationship for decades for the sake of a mortgage!