How to avoid extended contact with sil

[Annoyedmom]

I have one child and one on the way. Sil is single, 2 months pregnant through ivf with a sperm donor.

Sil is entitled. Before we had kids she got upset dh and I got a dog without her because she had visions of choosing from the same litter and going on nightly walks together.

I don’t let sil babysit. I don’t allow alone time and no sleepovers. She has never changed my kids diaper (and has told dh she’s upset with that)

We simply don’t mesh. Whether it was her demanding her own bridesmaid dress for my wedding because she didn’t like the one we chose (she was there when it was chosen), telling me I was ruining her family’s traditions (she is still a part of her original nuclear family. And always will be), to telling me at my baby shower that my baby was part hers and she would be playing a large role (hasn’t happened) I just can’t stand her crybaby attitude and entitlement. She even bought us a photo package and demanded we all wear the same style outfit! She doesn’t know her place.

So now that that’s out of the way. We live close. Maybe 10 mins apart. My main concern is she will expect my husband to play a fatherly role to this child she is bringing into the world and that she will want the cousins to be very close (spending tons of time together, visiting grandparents together, enrolling in same extra curriculars) she is heavily enmeshed with her mother and with our babies being so close in age (3 months apart) I fear this will only get worse.

Questions:

How do I go about addressing my issues with my husband? We separated once over his inability to say no to his family and for allowing them to ruin my PP time with my son

Should we move away? I’ve lived in our city my whole life. I am open to moving if it creates distance. We know the next house we want will have a pool so now I’m worried she will want to come over all the time

How do I create appropriate distance? I’m open to visits twice per month. Nothing more. But sil will push for more and need help as a single mom. I am unwilling to help. She can ask her parents if help is needed. How do I keep to two visits if the kids want to see one another?

My mental health is more important than the relationship between the kids. If contact is consistent and prolonged and they encroach on our family time and act entitled, it will very likely result in a separation for my husband and I. I won’t be put through the same crap we dealt with for two years after the birth of my first.

Try posting on a US page?

You sound like an absolute joy.

I completely get you OP. My issue wouldn't be my ILs, it would be my own family.

I'm a very private person and like to keep myself pretty independent from my family, who are very close, in each other's pockets, and everyone does everything with each other. It made me feel like I have no control over my own life and decisions.

Would DH be comfortable putting a bit of distance?

Dh likely wants to stay in our city because we both work here. I’m just worried about the weekend calls to hang out / entertain the kids. I’d rather just take my kids to visit my family (and I don’t even like seeing them more than twice a month too!) just to get away.

Sil pushes boundaries. And dh doesn’t realize it. Sometimes I just have to blow up at him for him to understand what she is doing is upsetting or undermining our family choices.

If push came to shove, dh would move. But I love my city. I don’t mind moving to the opposite end of my city to put some space but not sure it will be enough. Maybe we will have to do a second move if things get unbearable.

Would DH expect you to spend time with her when he isn't there?

Could you get a gate with a lock, or a ring doorbell?

Dh would never expect me to spend time alone with her (or his mother).

But if sil says “hey let’s get the kids together” and she says this every weekend - how do I put my foot down and say not happening?

I would move too. Are the kids likely to end up at the same school and class? I know it works well for some but if you're the one picking up you could end up seeing her daily and having to dodge invites to the park or keeping extra curricular clubs secret so she doesn't turn up there too.

@Annoyedmom

Dh would never expect me to spend time alone with her (or his mother).

But if sil says “hey let’s get the kids together” and she says this every weekend - how do I put my foot down and say not happening?

You could have a discussion with DP now and agree with him that you will do 1 weekend day a month with SIL, so he knows where you stand?

Would he really agree to spend every weekend with her knowing you wouldn't want to?

He would. His family has installed in him the belief that “family” comes first. The only problem is mil fil and sil are so enmeshed that for them, this is natural - they’re still one family unit. But for us, we are our own unit. And that doesn’t feel respected at all times.

It’s going to get worse in time. In-laws have been dying to take my kid overnight but I don’t do sleepovers. They’ll have Sils kid a lot because she will be a single mom and allows them whatever access they want. We will then be guilted by my answer will always be no. It feels like I’m going to have to fill our social and extra curricular calendar in order to make excuses. But that’s just so exhausting.

Where we are now, no we won’t be at the same school or class. Many of the larger cheaper houses are located in her area of the city - we’ve looked in the area before and have seen some great deals. But I won’t budge on that. There is no way we are going to be in the same school boundary.

And you are so right. Having the same friends, same teacher, same drop off - just seeing her constantly (or actually mil because let’s face it, sil will be using her for free care) would drive me mad.

There is 0 chance of sil ever moving. Which is good because that means I can plan my move to ensure our community centre and schools don’t intersect.

@Annoyedmom

He would. His family has installed in him the belief that “family” comes first. The only problem is mil fil and sil are so enmeshed that for them, this is natural - they’re still one family unit. But for us, we are our own unit. And that doesn’t feel respected at all times.

It’s going to get worse in time. In-laws have been dying to take my kid overnight but I don’t do sleepovers. They’ll have Sils kid a lot because she will be a single mom and allows them whatever access they want. We will then be guilted by my answer will always be no. It feels like I’m going to have to fill our social and extra curricular calendar in order to make excuses. But that’s just so exhausting.

But it's not just about what you want is it op? All I see on your posts is "I don't want... "

My DS has stayed at his Grans house when I haven't wanted him too. When I'm making the decision I reflect on it properly and make a decision that is best for him. What would he gain. Will he be happy.

What if your DC gets on with their cousin and wants to spend time with him/her?

You don't spend much time with your side of the family either? Well I really think you need to have a long hard think about things and think about what really matters. Life is too short for all this negativity.

Yes your SIL sounds like a pain but it really isn't up to you how much your husband supports his sister, they're siblings. Think about it from your children's point of view (when they're older) and if one of their partners came between them both.

I honestly think you need to relax a bit more.

You are being very selfish.

I think you need to tell him straight and set boundaries. Tell him that you'll happily spend 2 days a month (or however many you want to) with her, be it play dates or days out, but that's it, it's then you to him how he manages with with his ds. If he chooses to spend more time with them, then that's his decision but doesn't mean you have to be with him too. How that affects your relationship with him is something you'll need to think about.

He can go visit if he wants to; but my kids and I will stick to twice a month. I’ve tried to bring this up but he gets mad saying “you don’t know how she’ll act”. But this is the same song and dance. I always try to broach a foreseeable situation. He gets upset. Then the situation I wanted to speak about pops up, and a plan of action hasn’t been discussed, she does something upsetting, he doesn’t see it, and I’m left angry at him. After marriage counselling the counsellor told me to tell her exactly what she does that’s upsetting and husband says no “I’ll do it”. But he never does. Covid has resulted in us not seeing her or the in-laws as much (counselling happened Jan 2020) so we haven’t had to deal with them. But soon enough the time will come to bring down the hammer.

This is why I’m on the side of moving - if we move 40 mins away, then there’s no stop ins or quick visits.

Growing up my husband had cousins in the town over and they only visited maybe once every 3 months. That’s the type of relationship I can get behind. Nice and easy and not too intrusive on our time.

He can go visit if he wants to; but my kids and I will stick to twice a month.

So you won't let him take his DC with him if he wants to? What is DC wants to go more than once a month?

Yes your SIL sounds like a pain but it really isn't up to you how much your husband supports his sister, they're siblings.

I’m not sure I agree with this when it ( possibly adversely) affects their spouse and their own child. Her DH shouldn’t be railroaded into a father figure role for his niece/nephew just because his sister’s decided to have a child on her own.

I’d try to have a serious but non-confrontational conversation with your DH about how you feel about the family dynamic. Don’t be overly-critical
( it’s his family after all) but explain that now you and he have created your own family, you want to prioritize your time together. That means not always going along with his sister’s/parent’s wishes. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about them, but your child/relationship comes first. Good luck.💐

We will just have to find ways to keep busy by visiting friends and other family. Why should all our free time be spent with them when we have other friends and family we could see? I’m not interested in helping to foster any type of close relationship. I can foresee the problems it will create.

Moving a few towns over will be the next option on the table to create some space. She and her parents are just too full on for words.

You are being selfish and I wonder if you have ocd or another MH issue. This type of control isn’t normal. You need professional help.

@Cameleongirl

Yes your SIL sounds like a pain but it really isn't up to you how much your husband supports his sister, they're siblings.

I’m not sure I agree with this when it ( possibly adversely) affects their spouse and their own child. Her DH shouldn’t be railroaded into a father figure role for his niece/nephew just because his sister’s decided to have a child on her own.

I’d try to have a serious but non-confrontational conversation with your DH about how you feel about the family dynamic. Don’t be overly-critical
( it’s his family after all) but explain that now you and he have created your own family, you want to prioritize your time together. That means not always going along with his sister’s/parent’s wishes. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about them, but your child/relationship comes first. Good luck.💐

From the sounds of it, it's OPs behaviour that is adversely affecting her own family.

What about her husband's relationship with his sister?

What about the cousins relationships?

OP doesn't really speak to her family either. I'd be interested to see why this is.

It's not all about you OP. Sorry but it just isn't.

Unless there is more to it. I mean what does she do that is so bad? Is she manipulative? Does she cause problems? Stir trouble? Am I missing something here??

Because at the moment OP sounds selfish and controlling.

You say that you have already put in hard boundaries over the last two years since the birth of your first child.

What were these?
How were they communicated?
Who communicated them?
Who to?
How were they respected?

Are you worried they are slipping?
Are you scared of saying No, I’m busy, that doesn’t work for me, we have plans etc - vague but firm. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on how you choose to spend your time - and the notion of filling your diary is crazy avoidance behaviours.

I suspect though that the dynamic will change if SIL and IL are so enmeshed - the IL will have 100% involvement with her baby and I suspect that you, your baby and current child will be cast to the shadows.

Possibly, but the SIL does sound abit odd, tbh, I’d be weirded out by my SIL saying that my unborn baby was part hers! She doesn’t seem to fully appreciate that her brother can have a separate life to hers.

You both sound hard work to be honest! You sound selfish. You've already decided that, even if your DH wants to visit his family and your children want to go too, you won't let them go together because you don't want them to. Even if you can stay at home and not be involved.
I feel very sorry for your DH who sounds completely stuck in the middle and appears to have no say whatsoever in how he spends his time.
By all means have reasonable boundaries but your boundaries are way off. There are worse things for children than a loving extended family who want to spend time with them.

I speak to my family by text or calls. But my whole life isn’t centred on them. We have friends to see, work to do - what? Am I supposed to see them daily? I saw them more often but it’s hard with a baby. I try to keep the visits the same 2 for them and 2 for my in-laws.

In-laws are the give an inch take a mile type. If I say yes to one sleepover, they’ll ask for them twice a month. If I let them babysit, they’ll ask for more. They have no boundaries when it comes to guilt trips. No shame whatsoever. And my husband gets in a mood when they beg him for things and whisper in his ear. So the answer is no.

My husband is too afraid to set boundaries. For example mil likes to buy home decor gifts for my home and child’s room. I told my husband no more after he put up two items. The items keep coming into my home because he won’t say stop or he won’t say “could you please ask us which style we like? We could point out a great gift idea for you”. So now the items go in the trash. He won’t set the boundary with them. But I have set the boundary with him. So I just toss and donate as needed. If he’s so scared to set a gift boundary (ie please ask our taste) then he definitely isn’t ready to set boundaries for our kids. And until he can assure me no guilt will be used on them (the same way it was used on him) I don’t allow unsupervised time. Again it’s not a cutoff as we see them, I just set the boundary with him that all visits are as a family.

What you need to remember is your husband was part of that "family unit" that you seem to despise. Maybe he still wants to be - certainly sounds like it.

You sound like hard work.

For the poster who asked how boundaries are communicated - I haven’t had a conversation with the in-laws but I just show what I expect through my actions.

Mil used to sneak off with my crying baby so I couldn’t find them. So now I bring my kid back to the main room and say we are here to visit with everyone. It’s rude to leave the room. I say this to my child but loud enough so mil and sil can hear

Two years ago we went on a vacation. I agreed to 2 of our 8 days to overlap with in-laws. Suddenly they changed their plans and 6 days overlapped and my husband said nothing. Now the boundary is no more vacations until I feel comfortable

After that vacation we spent 4 days together later that summer again on a different trip. In September and October hubby and I had two weddings. I asked my mom to babysit for both. After all I just spent 10 days with the in-laws in the summer and no trips with my family / no overnights. Mil called husband cried and guilted and yelled and said we are favoring my family. New boundary? No babysitting for entitled mil and sil who act like they get a say in nuclear family decisions.

Gosh you really sound like hard work!