How to avoid extended contact with sil

[Annoyedmom]

I have one child and one on the way. Sil is single, 2 months pregnant through ivf with a sperm donor.

Sil is entitled. Before we had kids she got upset dh and I got a dog without her because she had visions of choosing from the same litter and going on nightly walks together.

I don’t let sil babysit. I don’t allow alone time and no sleepovers. She has never changed my kids diaper (and has told dh she’s upset with that)

We simply don’t mesh. Whether it was her demanding her own bridesmaid dress for my wedding because she didn’t like the one we chose (she was there when it was chosen), telling me I was ruining her family’s traditions (she is still a part of her original nuclear family. And always will be), to telling me at my baby shower that my baby was part hers and she would be playing a large role (hasn’t happened) I just can’t stand her crybaby attitude and entitlement. She even bought us a photo package and demanded we all wear the same style outfit! She doesn’t know her place.

So now that that’s out of the way. We live close. Maybe 10 mins apart. My main concern is she will expect my husband to play a fatherly role to this child she is bringing into the world and that she will want the cousins to be very close (spending tons of time together, visiting grandparents together, enrolling in same extra curriculars) she is heavily enmeshed with her mother and with our babies being so close in age (3 months apart) I fear this will only get worse.

Questions:

How do I go about addressing my issues with my husband? We separated once over his inability to say no to his family and for allowing them to ruin my PP time with my son

Should we move away? I’ve lived in our city my whole life. I am open to moving if it creates distance. We know the next house we want will have a pool so now I’m worried she will want to come over all the time

How do I create appropriate distance? I’m open to visits twice per month. Nothing more. But sil will push for more and need help as a single mom. I am unwilling to help. She can ask her parents if help is needed. How do I keep to two visits if the kids want to see one another?

My mental health is more important than the relationship between the kids. If contact is consistent and prolonged and they encroach on our family time and act entitled, it will very likely result in a separation for my husband and I. I won’t be put through the same crap we dealt with for two years after the birth of my first.

The responses are baffling. The SIL said the baby was ‘part hers’, whinged when they got a dog without her input and MIL cries because the other grandparents babysat after spending extended time with the family on 2 holidays? This isn’t just a close family, this is emotional manipulation from them.

I'm not suggesting anyone comes out of this smelling of roses, but what strikes me is that the OP and her SIL are very similar sort of Over-Involved Suburban Moms from Hell which is why the OP loathes her. And they're using exactly the same tactics, only one is seeking greater contact and the other, equally determined, is seeking less.

It would make a funny satirical drama, actually -- the OP grabbing her toddler at the ILs and hissing 'WE STAY IN THIS ROOM! WE'RE VISITING EVERYONE! IT'S RUDE TO LEAVE THE ROOM WHEN WE'RE VISITING EVERYONE!'

A three year old isn’t going to be scarred for life over being told not to leave a room! Yes, this wasn’t his fault, but it is weird that the MIL used to ‘sneak off’ with him as a baby, as OP puts it. We don’t know the actual dynamics here - perhaps she thought she was being helpful and taking the baby to give OP a break, perhaps it was another manipulation tactic. I’m working on the proviso that there is a valid reason OP wants to distance from these people - if they were simply pleasant, caring, supportive family members I doubt there’d be an issue. Perhaps they are and OP is the one in the wrong - but I’m sensing boundary pushing and overbearing behaviour from them leading to OP’s reaction, not that it’s come from nowhere.

@TedMullins

A three year old isn’t going to be scarred for life over being told not to leave a room! Yes, this wasn’t his fault, but it is weird that the MIL used to ‘sneak off’ with him as a baby, as OP puts it. We don’t know the actual dynamics here - perhaps she thought she was being helpful and taking the baby to give OP a break, perhaps it was another manipulation tactic. I’m working on the proviso that there is a valid reason OP wants to distance from these people - if they were simply pleasant, caring, supportive family members I doubt there’d be an issue. Perhaps they are and OP is the one in the wrong - but I’m sensing boundary pushing and overbearing behaviour from them leading to OP’s reaction, not that it’s come from nowhere.

Absolutely that's possible, @TedMullins, but given the OP's normalisation of her own rigid behaviour, it's also possible that some of the grabbiness and over-claiming stuff on their part comes from the OP's stance -- that in fact both factions are pushing one another to more extreme behaviour.

I'm just thinking of my own SIL and her relationship with my PILs -- I like both 'factions' and for a while did my best to explain them to one another, but some initial cultural and class misunderstandings got magnified into a total standoff, and I got tired of being the UN peacekeeper in something that was fundamentally not to do with me.

Now they don't see one another at all, and I know SIL blames PILs for not having a better relationship with her sons, but while BIL brings them to see them periodically (they live a short-haul flight apart), he's reluctant to leave SIL home alone, so it's only once a year or so.

@TedMullins

No but it's an example of her behaviour which I'm sure isn't a one off. If this is consistently done to him then yes it will damage him. She is shaming him and stopping him from having relationships with both sides of the family and not just her husbands. Both sides of the family are only allowed to see her son twice a month.

Do you think it's normal to only allow supervised visits twice a month between grandparent and grandchild?

Tedmullins

It’s definitely about manipulation. Mil has been caught kissing kid on the lips during covid and feeding foods we have said no to (to undermine us). So I don’t allow alone time. Sil also tries to take my kid off to other rooms when everyone else is in the main room and wants to see my kid.

The manipulation goes into everything. We get guilted if we split Christmas. Previously when I wasn’t as vocal about boundaries, we did dec 24 and 25 at the in-laws. When my baby came I said I’d like to see my family one of those days. We got yelled at and scolded for ruining Christmas and why couldn’t we just see them dec 26. My husband was too scared to tell mil we weren’t coming on the 24 that he didn’t say a word until 3 hours before dinner because he didn’t want to hear her cry on the phone.

We even got scolded for wanting to wake up in our own home on Christmas morning.

This guilting and manipulating and crying will eventually pour over onto my kids “oh you made granny sad when you didn’t visit” “oh you made granny sad when you didn’t give a kiss”. It’s so overbearing and disgusting and I won’t subject my kids to it. All visits are supervised.

As for the blow ups at dh and divorce. Yes I was ready to divorce him. This was over his inability to compromise and set reasonable boundaries with his parents out of fear of making them cry or getting scolded for going against the norm.

We were having it out one day and I did something to him very similar to what mil had said to me one day (the exact same words, as he was playing with our kid). He looked at me hurt and said wow why would you say that? That made me feel so bad. So I said that was the same thing your mother said to me and you went and sat by her side as she cried when I defended myself instead of staying at my side. He finally got it and understood why I had been so angry with him over all the little oversteps that he took no action to address. I had a full blown panic attack because he finally saw what was going on. He addressed it little by little. But when I had another panic attack a few months later, I decided to walk out. He went to counselling and the counsellor told
Him he needed to set firmer boundaries. Covid hit so we haven’t had to see them much in person.

You need to take a chill pill, your shoulders must be in knots. Your Dh is a saint.

You do realise when your dcs are teenagers/adults you win’t be aboe to control them like this? You might even be grateful for some help

My kid is very social. We have a bunch of other kids in our friend circle who are the same age range. They play, we host parties, we go to birthdays - I foster lots of close relationships between my kid and my friends and their kids. In fact a couple we know are his godparents (another item my sil cried about. But dh agreed her solitary lifestyle, her inability to be social, crybaby attitude did not make her suitable)

I look forward to covid restrictions being lifted so we can get back into classes and sports and continue meeting new people.

Your children will most likely want to see ‘their’ family. Wouldn't you rather have as many people as possible to love your dcs.

Edgeoftheedge

And they do. We will just let them know we have a variety of activities to squeeze into the month and will set aside a little time for each.

I'm not suggesting anyone comes out of this smelling of roses, but what strikes me is that the OP and her SIL are very similar -- sort of Over-Involved Suburban Moms from Hell which is why the OP loathes her. And they're using exactly the same tactics, only one is seeking greater contact and the other, equally determined, is seeking less.

^Actually, this in a nutshell. I feel sorry for her DP and the DC tbh, this is basically one huge tug of war.

Annoyedmom

Edgeoftheedge

And they do. We will just let them know we have a variety of activities to squeeze into the month and will set aside a little time for each.

You really are disillusioned and very controlling. I think you dh will leave you or/and your children will go no contact. Sort it out before its to late

Mil kisses your child on the lips and gives them treats —not on the approved list— shock, horror

@edgeoftheedge

Is covid not a thing where you are? I suppose you may be comfortable with people passing a potentially life threading disease to your kids, but I’m not. The UK even has that worse strain that’s been coming to North America...you’d think you’d practice a little more caution. But to each their own.

You do know that Covid is far more of a risk to your PILs and SIL than to your DC? There's minimal risk to children unless there's a massive drip feed about underlying health issues.

And are you aware of how nasty you're showing yourself to be, in calling your in-laws 'crybabies'? That type of language belongs in the playground.

Annoyedmom

@edgeoftheedge

Is covid not a thing where you are? I suppose you may be comfortable with people passing a potentially life threading disease to your kids, but I’m not. The UK even has that worse strain that’s been coming to North America...you’d think you’d practice a little more caution. But to each their own.

Do you stay 2 meters apart at all times? Do you sanitise all surfaces your inlaws touch before your dc touches them? I bet your butt hurts from clenching

[quote Annoyedmom]@edgeoftheedge

Is covid not a thing where you are? I suppose you may be comfortable with people passing a potentially life threading disease to your kids, but I’m not. The UK even has that worse strain that’s been coming to North America...you’d think you’d practice a little more caution. But to each their own.[/quote]
Oh dear, oh dear.

Look at the research. The new strain might be more transmissible but currently there is no evidence that it is associated with higher mortality. If it is more transmissible then it could be associated to higher mortality in relation to NHS resources (as less resources to help make people better because over run) but no evidence actual evidence in terms of how it affects the individual.

Grandparents are the ones at risk and not children unless yours has an underlying health condition.

You just keep manipulating the story to suit your argument.

Im out, this thread is batshit

@Edgeoftheledge

You do realise when your dcs are teenagers/adults you win’t be aboe to control them like this? You might even be grateful for some help

That's exactly what happening with my friends son (my friend is the dad). The mum is super controlling and the son (now 12) wants to spend most of his time with the dad.

Well it sounds like your husband comes from a fairly toxic family and has unfortunately then gone and married a woman who is toxic. His family do sound overbearing and lacking in boundaries. But you sound completely controlling. I also think it's interesting that your earlier examples re all quite benign but now suddenly they're all much worse and show your in laws in a much more negative light.

I suspect it's the OP's opinion that the MIL 'sneaks off' - what is wrong with spending time alone with a Grandmother or Aunt? You sound unhinged.

What was your original Q? To move house as you feel unable to uphold the boundaries you have put in?

Has this thread helped your decision making?

I do believe that your IL are overbearing BUT I can also see that you will go to extreme lengths and cause grief and disruption to your DH and DC due to your inability to calmly hold a boundary.

You have become more entrenched and black and white in your thinking and stance as this thread has gone on. This tells me you are someone with rigid thinking, unable to be flexible, be emotionally resilient and go with the flow etc I suggest that if you do move you will just pack up your MH insecurities into a suitcase and take them with you.

I suggest that you did not have an emotionally robust upbringing yourself and that it is this that you could work on in therapy so that you were not so strung out by these people. Your own nuclear family will suffer with your tension and rigidity.

"We were having it out one day and I did something to him very similar to what mil had said to me one day (the exact same words, as he was playing with our kid). He looked at me hurt and said wow why would you say that? That made me feel so bad. So I said that was the same thing your mother said to me and you went and sat by her side as she cried when I defended myself instead of staying at my side. He finally got it and understood why I had been so angry with him over all the little oversteps that he took no action to address. I had a full blown panic attack because he finally saw what was going on"

Oh dear, you are not coming out of this well, OP.
Now you are actually planning your behaviour towards your DH in order to simply prove to him that you are right, all along. That's not attractive, to try and catch him out, then, what appears to be triumphantly proving to him how it feels..."This is what I have to put up with from your mother"...
Calm down. This is deeply unpleasant behaviour and so premeditated, just to prove you're right and everyone else is behaving unreasonably. I can see no kindness, compromise ortolerance .

"He finally got it", bully for you, OP

Wow op i hope none of my sons ever marry someone like you. You sound selfish and don't really care about your husbands feelings or those of your children!