How to avoid extended contact with sil

[Annoyedmom]

I have one child and one on the way. Sil is single, 2 months pregnant through ivf with a sperm donor.

Sil is entitled. Before we had kids she got upset dh and I got a dog without her because she had visions of choosing from the same litter and going on nightly walks together.

I don’t let sil babysit. I don’t allow alone time and no sleepovers. She has never changed my kids diaper (and has told dh she’s upset with that)

We simply don’t mesh. Whether it was her demanding her own bridesmaid dress for my wedding because she didn’t like the one we chose (she was there when it was chosen), telling me I was ruining her family’s traditions (she is still a part of her original nuclear family. And always will be), to telling me at my baby shower that my baby was part hers and she would be playing a large role (hasn’t happened) I just can’t stand her crybaby attitude and entitlement. She even bought us a photo package and demanded we all wear the same style outfit! She doesn’t know her place.

So now that that’s out of the way. We live close. Maybe 10 mins apart. My main concern is she will expect my husband to play a fatherly role to this child she is bringing into the world and that she will want the cousins to be very close (spending tons of time together, visiting grandparents together, enrolling in same extra curriculars) she is heavily enmeshed with her mother and with our babies being so close in age (3 months apart) I fear this will only get worse.

Questions:

How do I go about addressing my issues with my husband? We separated once over his inability to say no to his family and for allowing them to ruin my PP time with my son

Should we move away? I’ve lived in our city my whole life. I am open to moving if it creates distance. We know the next house we want will have a pool so now I’m worried she will want to come over all the time

How do I create appropriate distance? I’m open to visits twice per month. Nothing more. But sil will push for more and need help as a single mom. I am unwilling to help. She can ask her parents if help is needed. How do I keep to two visits if the kids want to see one another?

My mental health is more important than the relationship between the kids. If contact is consistent and prolonged and they encroach on our family time and act entitled, it will very likely result in a separation for my husband and I. I won’t be put through the same crap we dealt with for two years after the birth of my first.

He even has said if sil was a random person he would think she was was biggest loser and wouldn’t like her. He says we must be nice to her because being mean would be like picking on the nerdiest kid in school.

If this is even real, he probably said it just to appease you, so you don't 'blow up' on him him again.

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

I get it, OP. Just keep on enforcing your boundaries and be strong, your ILs sound like a bunch of weirdos. It's hard to convey behaviour like theirs in a post because inevitably it is a lot of small things that add up.

I honestly can't believe someone is wishing for your husband to have an affair, that's just plain nasty.

Have you actually taken a minute to read her posts. She's controlling, manipulative and sounds quite nasty!

Have you read the examples she has given too? How she "called her child out" (her words) just for leaving the room with his grandmother. She shamed him saying it was rude to leave the room (he's at his grandmothers house).

The grandparents and sil aren't allowed to spend them with their grandchild or nephew without her with them supervising it.

Her mil was upset that OPs mum looked after the grandchild twice and she wasn't asked. She called her son upset (isn't she allowed to be upset and discuss with her son) and OP punished her by saying "ok no babysitting from no on. - new boundary". They're not boundaries, they're punishments.

She is punishing her husbands family if they do something she doesn't like but unfortunately doing this means she is also punishing her son too.

@Downtheplath

He even has said if sil was a random person he would think she was was biggest loser and wouldn’t like her. He says we must be nice to her because being mean would be like picking on the nerdiest kid in school.

If this is even real, he probably said it just to appease you, so you don't 'blow up' on him him again.

This is irreverent because she isn't some random. She is his sister. Bizarre comment really. I do think he sounds like he's trying to appease you.

*I understand you must be a spineless doormat - how sad for you.
*
I'm a strong character actually.

Am I spineless for I putting my 4 year old sons needs before my own? Not at all. If he wants to spend time with his Grandparents he can.

Why would I get in the way of someone who loves our son. I would be hurting him and not just the grandparent. Yes they're softer and the boundaries aren't the same but that doesn't matter. Its a break from normality for him and teaches him that not everyone's rules are the same.

@Bumblebee1980a

I thought it was a strange comment too - doesn't sound real.

He can go visit if he wants to; but my kids and I will stick to twice a month
They aren't just your babies, their both of yours. You sound massively controlling and emotionally manipulative. Bb

I think there is a lot going on here and you are at the end of your tether. If your SIL is just 2 months pregnant - you must have just found out. It seems this has put you into a spiral of anxiety, your head is imagining all sorts and you fear you and your family being engulfed by her, her bay and ILs.

You fear being enmeshed, powerless and helpless.

That’s great why your head has gone into over drive obsessing and where you would consider v disruptive avoidance tactics - moving house and significantly increasingly your daily commute - rather than calmly saying No, I’m busy, that doesn’t work for us - calmly on rinse and repeat.

It seems you are not comfortable being assertive - are you afraid of your own volatility?

It’s weird (and abusive) to have had that interaction with your 3 year old - and it is destructive and abusive to “blow up” at your DH.

High internal anxiety and feeling we have no agency to communicate appropriately leads to of kilter, OTT, external controlling behaviours.

I do see that the SIL comments about your baby, the dog etc are unboundaried and the IL crashing your holiday for 6 days when 2 were agreed. But why were these not addressed assertively and calmly at the time? Because now you have a build up of resentment and contempt, holding years of grudges and slights that haven’t been processed so that this heavy shadow hangs over and distortedly informs your reaction to each new encounter.

What was your upbringing like? How much control did you have in your life? Did your parents listen to you? Were you expected to repress your emotions?

Was you home collaborative or combative?

I do think that some one in one therapy would help you explore your anxiety and ability to express yourself respectfully and with confidence. It must be exhausting for you to live in this hyper vigilant and highly stressed way. Especially as you are pregnant your own unborn baby doesn’t need the adrenaline and cortisol flooding their system.

I do think that they sound overbearing - but I also think that you can learn to handle this much better than you are currently.

You don’t need to be this uptight - your DC, DH and the IL will know and sense your mood.

Dh and I have fought less since the boundaries have been enacted and he's started following my rules and I'm are much happier than we were when the in-laws were trying to be on their sons life control everything

@Bumblebee1980a

It's a horrible thread to read. Poor DH and poor poor child.

Her answer. He's 3 he'll live.

You sound controlling, miserable and quite nasty to be honest. Where is all this negative energy coming from OP? You have to really take a look at your life and the way you are trying to manage/control every little situation. It isn't normal. What is it that makes you feel like you have to control everything in your environment?

You keep changing the story too. It went from mil was crying down the phone to your husband to she was shouting etc

I'm not saying they're right and your wrong. I'm saying the way you're dealing with it all is just horrendous.

You need therapy.

This.

OP - you've given no reason to reduce or avoid contact. More sadly, you've put a wedge between your partner and his own family.

You refer to your shared children as YOUR children when you should be saying and acting like they're OUR children.

I feel for your husband. Your children won't know any different but your husband is in a controlling relationship that I hope he evaluates at one point. I also feel for your SIL who sounds like she just wants a relationship with her family.

It’s weird (and abusive) to have had that interaction with your 3 year old - and it is destructive and abusive to “blow up” at your DH

Spot on

You need to be v careful here OP - because whilst you focus deeply on keeping your DCs away from the ILs - to avoid their controlling ways - and it seems you have achieved that - but inadvertently you have created a tense, combative, highly stressed controlling environment in your own home.

Need to get some help to chill out so that you can aim to create a calm and peaceful home where you all actively treat each other with kindness and respect.

If you were the man in this relationship OP, you'd be getting SLATED for being controlling. I feel sorry for you, being so bitter about family must be very hard to live with, deep inside. Controlling actions are driven by unhappiness. I hope you find peace one day and that others around you are able to get the confidence to stand up to you and assert their own needs and wishes.

@SleepingStandingUp

Dh and I have fought less since the boundaries have been enacted and he's started following my rules and I'm are much happier than we were when the in-laws were trying to be on their sons life control everything

Exactly.

I feel so sorry for him and his family. You should like an absolute nightmare!!! So incredibly cold and calculating.

The responses are baffling. The SIL said the baby was ‘part hers’, whinged when they got a dog without her input and MIL cries because the other grandparents babysat after spending extended time with the family on 2 holidays? This isn’t just a close family, this is emotional manipulation from them. Good for you for enforcing boundaries, there’s no need to be so beholden to family. Like you said, you have your own lives, a normal, rational family would support that and be a positive presence in your life but not a meddling one. It’s funny women are so often told on here to be more assertive but now someone’s doing it they’re getting slated! If you haven’t had experience of negative family relationships you just won’t get it.

@TedMullins

The responses are baffling. The SIL said the baby was ‘part hers’, whinged when they got a dog without her input and MIL cries because the other grandparents babysat after spending extended time with the family on 2 holidays? This isn’t just a close family, this is emotional manipulation from them. Good for you for enforcing boundaries, there’s no need to be so beholden to family. Like you said, you have your own lives, a normal, rational family would support that and be a positive presence in your life but not a meddling one. It’s funny women are so often told on here to be more assertive but now someone’s doing it they’re getting slated! If you haven’t had experience of negative family relationships you just won’t get it.

I think you need to read ALL the posts before you comment.

@TedMullins

The responses are baffling. The SIL said the baby was ‘part hers’, whinged when they got a dog without her input and MIL cries because the other grandparents babysat after spending extended time with the family on 2 holidays? This isn’t just a close family, this is emotional manipulation from them. Good for you for enforcing boundaries, there’s no need to be so beholden to family. Like you said, you have your own lives, a normal, rational family would support that and be a positive presence in your life but not a meddling one. It’s funny women are so often told on here to be more assertive but now someone’s doing it they’re getting slated! If you haven’t had experience of negative family relationships you just won’t get it.

I've had very negative experiences with my family and my in-laws, and I still think this is disgusting behaviour.

Emotional manipulation is exactly what OP is doing to her poor husband and children.

I’ve read the whole thread! It sounds like lots of little things have mounted up, leading OP to take a hardline stance.

@TedMullins

I’ve read the whole thread! It sounds like lots of little things have mounted up, leading OP to take a hardline stance.

Little things like what? Her husband's family daring to want a relationship with their son and grandchild?

Yes, the SIL may have been a bit dramatic, but she doesn't sound dissimilar to OP.

As to the MIL crying, well who wouldn't if that was your DIL.

@TedMullins

I’ve read the whole thread! It sounds like lots of little things have mounted up, leading OP to take a hardline stance.

And you're ok with the examples she has given re they're only allowed to see their grandchild under her supervision and "calling her child out" saying he was rude to leave the living room? He's 3.

She doesn't set boundaries, she punishes people.

That is emotional abuse. OP is being emotionally abusive.

If you think there is nothing wrong with how controlling and nasty she is then there is something wrong with you.

God you are so cold and clinical! It’s like a robot is typing. Are you in there, OP? Just because you are completely devoid of emotions doesn’t mean everyone else has to be. If i was your mil/sil I’d be driven to tears too! Not only are you micro managing your husband and child you’re doing it as though the only feelings that matter are the ones you have about them spending time with your child. Your husband is going to end up hating you, divorcing you and then your kid will end up spending 50% of his time with dad and family and there will be bugger all you can do about it. I suggest you look back at your posts, do you really want to be this mean, petty pathetic controlling person?

Her DS is going to have "mummy issues" (layman's term) like most male patients I use to see when I worked in a mental health unit. I am saying this from a therapists perspective too.

"The issue is how to create distance. This is new for dh and I - he likes to confront issues as they arise; I like to foresee and put boundaries in place so no issues arise."

This is a big part of the problem
It sounds like you are building up a scenario that hasn't happened yet.
It is quite sensible to deal with problems as they arise, not so much, building up scenarios that haven't happened yet, indulging your resentment and deciding on draconian measures like moving house ( that could be very disruptive to your 3 year old, and any foundations they've established in nursery etc.. ) and divorcing.
Would you really divorce your DH over his wish to spend time with his family and create a loving extended support for your children? Because, I can't see much in your posts about your MIL and Sil that is really so sinister that would suggest these actions are reasonable).

You don't sound very much like I would want to spend time with you if i was your SIL

Why are you pushing her away? I like her ideas of having close cousins etc

Look into the mirror and ask yourself the difficult questions

Only you know the truth. Are you jealous of her?

If the genders were reversed, I would have zero issues calling this is controlling and possibly abusives relationship.

And with the genders the way they are, I’ll stand by that still.