Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to avoid extended contact with sil

192 replies

Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 20:10

I have one child and one on the way. Sil is single, 2 months pregnant through ivf with a sperm donor.

Sil is entitled. Before we had kids she got upset dh and I got a dog without her because she had visions of choosing from the same litter and going on nightly walks together.

I don’t let sil babysit. I don’t allow alone time and no sleepovers. She has never changed my kids diaper (and has told dh she’s upset with that)

We simply don’t mesh. Whether it was her demanding her own bridesmaid dress for my wedding because she didn’t like the one we chose (she was there when it was chosen), telling me I was ruining her family’s traditions (she is still a part of her original nuclear family. And always will be), to telling me at my baby shower that my baby was part hers and she would be playing a large role (hasn’t happened) I just can’t stand her crybaby attitude and entitlement. She even bought us a photo package and demanded we all wear the same style outfit! She doesn’t know her place.

So now that that’s out of the way. We live close. Maybe 10 mins apart. My main concern is she will expect my husband to play a fatherly role to this child she is bringing into the world and that she will want the cousins to be very close (spending tons of time together, visiting grandparents together, enrolling in same extra curriculars) she is heavily enmeshed with her mother and with our babies being so close in age (3 months apart) I fear this will only get worse.

Questions:

How do I go about addressing my issues with my husband? We separated once over his inability to say no to his family and for allowing them to ruin my PP time with my son

Should we move away? I’ve lived in our city my whole life. I am open to moving if it creates distance. We know the next house we want will have a pool so now I’m worried she will want to come over all the time

How do I create appropriate distance? I’m open to visits twice per month. Nothing more. But sil will push for more and need help as a single mom. I am unwilling to help. She can ask her parents if help is needed. How do I keep to two visits if the kids want to see one another?

My mental health is more important than the relationship between the kids. If contact is consistent and prolonged and they encroach on our family time and act entitled, it will very likely result in a separation for my husband and I. I won’t be put through the same crap we dealt with for two years after the birth of my first.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/02/2021 00:17

Be careful your husband doesn't divorce you and have 50:50 with the DC...who will then spend 50% of their time with his family.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/02/2021 00:20

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Be careful your husband doesn't divorce you and have 50:50 with the DC...who will then spend 50% of their time with his family.
If that happens I imagine Op would lose the child all together eventually as they got older as his side of the family would be more fun due to similarly aged cousins and a loving demonstrative familt unit.
Original poster
Annoyedmom · 01/02/2021 00:30

Dh and I have fought less since the boundaries have been enacted and are much happier than we were when the in-laws were trying to control everything.

He even has said if sil was a random person he would think she was was biggest loser and wouldn’t like her. He says we must be nice to her because being mean would be like picking on the nerdiest kid in school.

So again. We are nice. We do see them. But we are a busy family. I don’t want to be obligated to see sil more because she decided to get pregnant and be a single mom.

In-laws moved away when they didn’t get what they wanted. They’ll be back when sil delivers. It’s great theyll spend time together because I’m certainly not spending my 2 years of Mat leave with them - nor would my husband expect me to because he has seen what they say to me when he’s not in the room.

The issue is how to create distance. This is new for dh and I - he likes to confront issues as they arise; I like to foresee and put boundaries in place so no issues arise.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 00:33

Wow, you sound so controlling OP. I feel really sorry for your husband, it must be so stressful walking on eggshells with you and having to constantly tell his family off for every little thing they do.
Are you really planning on filling all your free time up with activities for the rest of your life sonyou don't have to do anything with your inlaws? That's nuts. You can just say no.

saffire · 01/02/2021 00:35

Your poor husband and child. You talk about your husband with contempt. You say "he'll live" after chastising your child when they've done nothing wrong.

Do you not see the damage you're doing to them? Your husband has needed counselling, from your need to control him and his child.

You won't let his family have unsupervised access- are they putting your child at risk? Are they endangering his life? Or are they just giving him sweets and crisps when you've said no.

You seriously need to take a step back and look at what is causing the issue here. It's you.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 01/02/2021 00:35

You’re really reaching for reasons to dislike these people.

I can only imagine what they all think about you ...

AllMyPrettyOnes · 01/02/2021 00:38

I bet the tables will turn here if your children grow up to marry someone who behaves like you.

You’ll be back on here moaning about your evil DIL/SIL and how they’re ruining your “family unit”.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 00:40

You "called your 3 year old out" 🤣 did you seriously just say that. Jesus!

MercyBodle · 01/02/2021 00:51

I'm sorry for your situation OP, and sorry for the responses on here. I get it. Apparently people are appalled that you set boundaries and won't allow manipulative people to run your life! Good on you. In a similar situation we moved, quite a distance away, and I'm so glad we did. But the opportunity of a job my DH wanted came up in another city, so that made moving easy.

My DH would not talk to his family, so moving some distance really was the best option for us.

Unfortunately this thread reveals how manipulative people, family or not, get away with so much - they garner sympathy so easily! I'm so glad you said that you're getting support for a counsellor in this.
Best wishes.

MercyBodle · 01/02/2021 00:52

I mean 'from a counsellor'.

Original poster
Annoyedmom · 01/02/2021 01:02

MercyBodle. Thank you! It is so hard trying to adult when everyone tries to treat us like kids who need to fall in line. Our jobs are stable so there is no chance of moving for work. But there are a number of suburbs we could choose. It just sucks because my husbands commute is 10 mins and mine is 35. If we moved I’d be looking at an hour and a half and he’d be about 40 mins. But maybe it’s worth it in the long run!

OP posts:
StressedTired · 01/02/2021 02:27

Gosh you sound selfish and entitled. You offered you husband a divorce over this? It must be stressful living with you, I wouldn't be surprised if he takes up your offer in future. He clearly wants to spend time with his family. Perhaps when your kids are older they will decide they want sleepovers with their cousin and grandparents, then how will you control their time? Life would be a lot easier for everyone if you'd try to get on with them.

MaLarkinn · 01/02/2021 04:54

I hope your hisband has a nice lady friebd he can confide in at work. If he doesnt, it wont be long Grin

As for calling your kid out and saying shit to them so sil and mil could hear, well thats spineless and passive aggressive.

I think youre full of it.

Your dh sounds lovely.

notanatural2018 · 01/02/2021 06:48

I have similar issues but sil is not having a baby to give the in laws. If only! I feel your pain, and wish I was as good at setting boundaries! Me and DH are getting there slowly

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 01/02/2021 07:44

I get it, OP. Just keep on enforcing your boundaries and be strong, your ILs sound like a bunch of weirdos. It's hard to convey behaviour like theirs in a post because inevitably it is a lot of small things that add up.

I honestly can't believe someone is wishing for your husband to have an affair, that's just plain nasty.

Bellofbelfastcity · 01/02/2021 07:48

It’s you not them.

You sound like a nightmare.

Blacktothepink · 01/02/2021 07:55

🤯

Treacletreacle · 01/02/2021 08:11

Are you not worried your husband is now just agreeing with you about his sister for a quiet life? I feel that perhaps the man might explode at some point being pulled in all directions trying to please everyone. I wonder why you need to be in charge of every situation..they are his family. His mother i imagine was upset she can't spend anytime with her grandchild unless she totally does what you demand. Maybe you need to just let your husband take your children to visit and you take some time to relax somewhere

AllMyPrettyOnes · 01/02/2021 08:26

your ILs sound like a bunch of weirdos.

They just sound like a family who actually cares and wants a relationship with them.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 01/02/2021 08:26

@AllMyPrettyOnes

your ILs sound like a bunch of weirdos.

They just sound like a family who actually cares and wants a relationship with them.

Shock horror on MN - I know!
MMmomDD · 01/02/2021 08:32

It is amazing how OP so totally lacks any self awareness. And how she can be so selfish while accusing others to be.
I truly feel for her H and kids who can’t have a normal and natural relationship with his side of the family.
And I do hope he will find his strength to break free from this controlling relationships.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 01/02/2021 08:35

@MaLarkinn

I hope your hisband has a nice lady friebd he can confide in at work. If he doesnt, it wont be long Grin

As for calling your kid out and saying shit to them so sil and mil could hear, well thats spineless and passive aggressive.

I think youre full of it.

Your dh sounds lovely.

Or even better than that, hopefully her children grow up and marry people just like OP. Then she'll know how it feels.

I'm usually pro-DIL on these sort of threads, because I know what in-laws can be like (mine can be very annoying) but in this case, OP just seems like the DIL everyone fears they'll end up with: someone who is hell-bent on causing a divide for no reason.

AlternativePerspective · 01/02/2021 08:36

This is one of those threads where someone writes about their ILs and you think “ah yes, and here’s the other side to the story...”

you sound bloody awful. If you’re children are lucky your DH will leave you and will have 50/50 residency of the DC so they will get to have close relationships with his family.

blancheduboiss · 01/02/2021 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tigerlily20 · 01/02/2021 09:16

Sounds more like a dictatorship than a homelife... this is classic narcissistic behaviour and you sound like you're forcing your husband to isolate himself from his family members which usually happens in emotionally abusive relationships. Please get some therapy and try to change... manipulating your family is abuse and you will ruin your marriage and your dc will grow up to despise you.