How to avoid extended contact with sil

[Annoyedmom]

I have one child and one on the way. Sil is single, 2 months pregnant through ivf with a sperm donor.

Sil is entitled. Before we had kids she got upset dh and I got a dog without her because she had visions of choosing from the same litter and going on nightly walks together.

I don’t let sil babysit. I don’t allow alone time and no sleepovers. She has never changed my kids diaper (and has told dh she’s upset with that)

We simply don’t mesh. Whether it was her demanding her own bridesmaid dress for my wedding because she didn’t like the one we chose (she was there when it was chosen), telling me I was ruining her family’s traditions (she is still a part of her original nuclear family. And always will be), to telling me at my baby shower that my baby was part hers and she would be playing a large role (hasn’t happened) I just can’t stand her crybaby attitude and entitlement. She even bought us a photo package and demanded we all wear the same style outfit! She doesn’t know her place.

So now that that’s out of the way. We live close. Maybe 10 mins apart. My main concern is she will expect my husband to play a fatherly role to this child she is bringing into the world and that she will want the cousins to be very close (spending tons of time together, visiting grandparents together, enrolling in same extra curriculars) she is heavily enmeshed with her mother and with our babies being so close in age (3 months apart) I fear this will only get worse.

Questions:

How do I go about addressing my issues with my husband? We separated once over his inability to say no to his family and for allowing them to ruin my PP time with my son

Should we move away? I’ve lived in our city my whole life. I am open to moving if it creates distance. We know the next house we want will have a pool so now I’m worried she will want to come over all the time

How do I create appropriate distance? I’m open to visits twice per month. Nothing more. But sil will push for more and need help as a single mom. I am unwilling to help. She can ask her parents if help is needed. How do I keep to two visits if the kids want to see one another?

My mental health is more important than the relationship between the kids. If contact is consistent and prolonged and they encroach on our family time and act entitled, it will very likely result in a separation for my husband and I. I won’t be put through the same crap we dealt with for two years after the birth of my first.

@ContessaDiPulpo

I must have read a different thread to everyone else because to me it sounds like the ILs are overbearing and manipulative and OP has finally reached her limit! Good luck OP, they sound bonkers.

And what do you think of her behaviour and the examples she has given?

@justilou1

Honestly, I am not sure that the problem is the OP, but she is not from the UK and has a different style of communicating than you do. I am hearing a lot of language used by the OP that speaks of someone who has spent a lot of time working with a therapist and/or reading up on family dynamics. This is a very American-style way of dealing with things. They are more direct in their approach to confrontation than people born and raised in the UK. The MIL and SIL are pushing boundaries in ways that I have read about on here that have had mumsnetters up in arms and the DH’s lack of a spine when it comes to defending his wife is indefensible. I think the OP has been bullied and abused unnecessarily on here, and most of the PP were far too quick to attack and made no attempt to try and understand what she was saying. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Women come on here for support when they’re down and need a new opinion. You’ve basically stressed her out further and given the typical “Super Snobby Brit” Cliche they have over there more legs to run with.

Nope it's not cultural differences. She has given concrete examples of how she speaks and treats her family. Maybe you haven't read those bits.

Her examples are controlling and manipulating. At the beginning of the thread anyone who politely disagreed and gave a different view point were attacked and called pathetic doormats.

I think she sounds like someone who has been pushed to the edge by ongoing boundary pushing. I have a lot of that at home and with one parent (well I used to) so can empathise!

@ContessaDiPulpo

Still no excuse for telling her DH that he isn't allowed to take her DC (they're his DC too) to visit his family. The advice on these threads is invariably that a DIL can't do that as it's controlling. It's short-sighted, too, as if the marriage breaks down (which seems very likely in this case) then it will be completely outside her control in that he'll be able to take them on his own time.

As has been pointed out, the OP has been very rude to posters, calling them 'doormats' if they dare to disagree with her viewpoint, especially when she's supposedly come on here looking for other people's opinions.

@ContessaDiPulpo

Don't we all but we don't go around punishing people and calling it a boundary!

@ContessaDiPulpo

I think she sounds like someone who has been pushed to the edge by ongoing boundary pushing. I have a lot of that at home and with one parent (well I used to) so can empathise!

Pushed to the edge by what exactly? A SIL hoping the cousins will have a relationship? A MIL who just wants to see her son and grandchildren without a written contract?

You should save your empathy for the poor husband being controlled, and the children who aren't being allowed to form a decent relationship with their family.

I find that there are always some posters who invariably side with the DIL on these threads. Whereas it's hardly possible that this is always the case. Especially since the supposedly batshit MILs were once DILs themselves.

Okay, the SIL does sound like she's quite clingy, but hardly worthy of the contempt with which the OP has spoken about her. And it's hardly going to be damaging to her DC to have a good relationship with their aunt and cousins. All the OP has to do is not go on these visits. She can find something else to do surely?

I remain convinced of my opinion, but am disinclined to argue with you all. Have good days all :)

@ContessaDiPulpo

I remain convinced of my opinion, but am disinclined to argue with you all. Have good days all :)

Of course you do. Stubborn much? 😆

@ContessaDiPulpo

I remain convinced of my opinion, but am disinclined to argue with you all. Have good days all :)

Bye girl

It depends on what has lead up to this. I get on really well with my in-laws but an old friend had PIL who were really suffocating and interfering long before they had DC. They struggled to see their DS as an adult and tried to influence and advise on all decisions. Infantilising I think is the word for it.

They kept turning up uninvited and passed comment on the food my friend had cooked, her taste in clothes, haircut, the lot.

So in the end my friend reacted a bit like this. It was the only way to break the umbilical cord.

@ContessaDiPulpo

I think she sounds like someone who has been pushed to the edge by ongoing boundary pushing. I have a lot of that at home and with one parent (well I used to) so can empathise!

I agree with you to an extent. I can see overbearing and inappropriate ILs - and I can see the OP put in boundaries that on the face of it are not unreasonable for her and her experience with them and that ILs then try to erode the boundaries and inappropriate hissy fits from the MIL ensue once she is thwarted. So all a bit of a circus to manage.

BUT

It’s the way it has been done - haranguing her DH, the hyper emotional breakdowns in front of her toddler, the escalation in controlling and destructive avoidance behaviours in her own life. The separation, the threats of divorce. Blow ups. Crazy histrionics. Is the OP unable to communicate effectively and problem solve calmly and collaboratively with her DH.

It seems that the OP is over reacting to something that hasn’t even happened yet.

She says all is good since her boundaries were laid down. So why can’t she just carry on with that?

Is the idea of this new baby so discombobulating for her - such a threat - that she can’t just calmly stick with her current routine and when and IF there are further requests for more time she can’t just be ready to consider it at the time and say yes, no, maybe depending on how things pan out?

You’re getting a pasting here OP (not that I think you care) but I get it. As a white British woman married into a British Indian family, I really do get it. I have had similar issues with my own SIL and had to find ways to assert myself. Ultimately it comes down to this: I am married with a child with my husband, we are our own nuclear family. The rest of our respective families matter, of course, but our own family unit takes priority. And I wouldn’t want to be married to a husband who wasn’t on the same page regarding that.

Thankfully I have zero issues with drawing and maintaining my own boundaries and DH is the same, and when it comes down to it his priority is us. That seems to be the difference, you don’t feel your DH does see you as his primarily family so it’s a constant power struggle with you and his family of origin pulling on him from both sides like a chew toy while he is unwilling or unable to find a way to placate either side. I am very wary of marrying men who still view their families of origin as their primary family tbh. It doesn’t make for a harmonious life.

You seem pretty open to divorce so why not go down that road? Things must be really bad for you to be talking about that. Maybe it’s for the best. You’ll never be happy with the extent to which his family try encroach upon your life. Alternatively you can simply decide what you’ll tolerate and stick to it without shame or embarrassment, you don’t need an excuse or alternate plan to decline seeing your SIL, a simple ‘we can’t make that, sorry’ will suffice. I wouldn’t want to be seeing family every single week without fail either let alone more often. It’s normal and healthy to develop some distance between you and your family of origin as an adult with your own family, your SIL hasn’t done this and that’s up to her, it may be the norm in her culture. But you want that and there’s nothing wrong with that.

@Sharww

You’re getting a pasting here OP (not that I think you care) but I get it. As a white British woman married into a British Indian family, I really do get it. I have had similar issues with my own SIL and had to find ways to assert myself. Ultimately it comes down to this: I am married with a child with my husband, we are our own nuclear family. The rest of our respective families matter, of course, but our own family unit takes priority. And I wouldn’t want to be married to a husband who wasn’t on the same page regarding that.

Thankfully I have zero issues with drawing and maintaining my own boundaries and DH is the same, and when it comes down to it his priority is us. That seems to be the difference, you don’t feel your DH does see you as his primarily family so it’s a constant power struggle with you and his family of origin pulling on him from both sides like a chew toy while he is unwilling or unable to find a way to placate either side. I am very wary of marrying men who still view their families of origin as their primary family tbh. It doesn’t make for a harmonious life.

You seem pretty open to divorce so why not go down that road? Things must be really bad for you to be talking about that. Maybe it’s for the best. You’ll never be happy with the extent to which his family try encroach upon your life. Alternatively you can simply decide what you’ll tolerate and stick to it without shame or embarrassment, you don’t need an excuse or alternate plan to decline seeing your SIL, a simple ‘we can’t make that, sorry’ will suffice. I wouldn’t want to be seeing family every single week without fail either let alone more often. It’s normal and healthy to develop some distance between you and your family of origin as an adult with your own family, your SIL hasn’t done this and that’s up to her, it may be the norm in her culture. But you want that and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Urghhhh read all the posts!!!!

But that isn't the issue. I understand that "nuclear family" takes priority. Of course it does!

However the issue is that OP controllers her husband and child. She only allows supervised contact twice a month with each grandparent. The child gets "called out" (her words) when he leaves the room with grandmother. There is no evidence of abuse either which you would assume with this level of control.

The evidence is there on her posts for everyone to see (if they can be bothered)! She punishes people when she doesn't agree with something but calls it setting a new boundary.

Goodness sake just read all the posts to get a balanced view (to the new people posting).

I read the posts, thanks me holding a different opinion to you doesn’t automatically mean I haven’t seen the same information

You seem to be taking this a bit personally though for a comment I made directly addressing OP, are you okay?

!

@Sharww

No I'm not taking this personally but thank you for your concern 😆

I had to check whether you had read all the posts because I couldn't understand why you would ignore OP's coercive behaviour.

You have also chosen to ignore my examples of this behaviour too.

Or maybe you are just displacing what happened to you onto this thread and therefore giving a bias opinion of the situation.

What don't you like about her ? Is she always wanting to come to you ? I would understand that is an issue if she is eating your food and coming over every weekend but if it's doing something out together or taking turns at each other's houses then that's fine. I mean there's not so much to do with a baby and an older child, change of scenery is nice .

Honestly the kids might enjoy it. Maybe you should just relax.