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Original poster

How to avoid extended contact with sil

192 replies

Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 20:10

I have one child and one on the way. Sil is single, 2 months pregnant through ivf with a sperm donor.

Sil is entitled. Before we had kids she got upset dh and I got a dog without her because she had visions of choosing from the same litter and going on nightly walks together.

I don’t let sil babysit. I don’t allow alone time and no sleepovers. She has never changed my kids diaper (and has told dh she’s upset with that)

We simply don’t mesh. Whether it was her demanding her own bridesmaid dress for my wedding because she didn’t like the one we chose (she was there when it was chosen), telling me I was ruining her family’s traditions (she is still a part of her original nuclear family. And always will be), to telling me at my baby shower that my baby was part hers and she would be playing a large role (hasn’t happened) I just can’t stand her crybaby attitude and entitlement. She even bought us a photo package and demanded we all wear the same style outfit! She doesn’t know her place.

So now that that’s out of the way. We live close. Maybe 10 mins apart. My main concern is she will expect my husband to play a fatherly role to this child she is bringing into the world and that she will want the cousins to be very close (spending tons of time together, visiting grandparents together, enrolling in same extra curriculars) she is heavily enmeshed with her mother and with our babies being so close in age (3 months apart) I fear this will only get worse.

Questions:

How do I go about addressing my issues with my husband? We separated once over his inability to say no to his family and for allowing them to ruin my PP time with my son

Should we move away? I’ve lived in our city my whole life. I am open to moving if it creates distance. We know the next house we want will have a pool so now I’m worried she will want to come over all the time

How do I create appropriate distance? I’m open to visits twice per month. Nothing more. But sil will push for more and need help as a single mom. I am unwilling to help. She can ask her parents if help is needed. How do I keep to two visits if the kids want to see one another?

My mental health is more important than the relationship between the kids. If contact is consistent and prolonged and they encroach on our family time and act entitled, it will very likely result in a separation for my husband and I. I won’t be put through the same crap we dealt with for two years after the birth of my first.

OP posts:
PrawnCorset · 31/01/2021 23:34

You sound insanely controlling and micromanaging, and your SIL galls you so much because she’s exactly like you.

traditionallife · 31/01/2021 23:35

You keep saying it has to be two times, why? If your husband is taking the DC to visit without you, whats it matter? You dont have to see them.

It seems like you just want total control and are unwilling to make any form of compromise.

You sound like hardwork.

Why cant they have sleepovers?
Why cant they babysit?

You seem to want to deny them any family bonds or memories with anyone but you. Selfish!

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:45

Have you actually heard yourself 🙈. Read back what you've written and have a really good think about it.

You tell your children not to leave the family room (when you're visiting your husbands family) because it's rude because you're visiting everyone. Oh my goodness! Shouldn't your child be able to play and have fun in their grandparents home? Mine certainty does.

You do realise that what you're doing is shaming them don't you? Shame is when you make someone feel bad. You're shaming them by calling them rude for leaving the room 🙁

The funny thing is you said you wouldn't leave your children unsupervised with your husbands family because you don't want them making your children feel guilty (like they did to your husband when he was little)! But guess what you're doing exactly that!

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:48

If I was your husband I'd say "Divorce and I'm
going for co-parenting. New boundary"

Original poster
Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 23:49

Sorry I won’t budge on my alone time rule. They stay with everyone else. Next time I’ll let my mil know she’s being rude - that’s a great tip to say it to her, rather than my kid. Thank you.

The main issue here is distance between sil and my family. I could go on and on if this was a vent post about in-laws. We are passed the point of venting. This is about ways to minimize contact and shut down her desire to be actively involved in my family.

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 31/01/2021 23:51

Yabu. I feel for your dh. My dh is super close to his family and its gets annoying sometimes. But is also one on the many reasons I love him. I want to have the relationship he has with is mum with my son when he is adult. And want my dc to be there for each other they way dh and his siblings are there for each other. Plus my love for dh means that wants important to him is important to me. I would never ask him to push his family away or put restraints on how much time he could spent with them (that's his choice) same applies to how much time my children spend with his family - I dont get/want full control on that. You are too controlling imo. Dont make you dh pick. It shows your true colours and puts u in a bad light.

Original poster
Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 23:52

I offered my husband a divorce. I said let’s go our separate ways so you can go back to your family and do as you please. He didn’t like that. Cried. Then went to counselling and has gotten his head mostly out of his butt but still needs encouragement here and there.

He has spoken to his friends who are married about this. They agree his parents are overbearing and too much to handle. That his sister is the same way.

OP posts:
Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:52

After all I just spent 10 days with the in-laws in the summer and no trips with my family / no overnights. Mil called husband cried and guilted and yelled and said we are favoring my family. New boundary? No babysitting for entitled mil and sil who act like they get a say in nuclear family decisions.

So MiL calls her son upset about not being asked to look after her grandchild and you punish her by saying she isn't allowed to babysit? It's not a new boundary it's a punishment.

I imagine your children will grow up marrying someone as controlling as you and then you will be the recipient of the pain.

Cameleongirl · 31/01/2021 23:54

I thought she said her MIL used to sneak out of the room with the baby, not entirely sure why. So now the OP doesn’t want anyone leaving the room during a visit. Did you feel your baby was in danger somehow? Is that why you don’t want sleepovers, etc.?

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:55

@Annoyedmom

Sorry I won’t budge on my alone time rule. They stay with everyone else. Next time I’ll let my mil know she’s being rude - that’s a great tip to say it to her, rather than my kid. Thank you.

The main issue here is distance between sil and my family. I could go on and on if this was a vent post about in-laws. We are passed the point of venting. This is about ways to minimize contact and shut down her desire to be actively involved in my family.

Yes you should discuss it privately with your mil and not your kids. Poor Kids shaming them like that.
Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 23:55

This reply has been deleted

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Cameleongirl · 31/01/2021 23:56

They all sound batshit, tbh. I can’t imagine phoning my adult child crying and yelling because my grandchild had spent time with the other grandparents.

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:57

@Annoyedmom

I offered my husband a divorce. I said let’s go our separate ways so you can go back to your family and do as you please. He didn’t like that. Cried. Then went to counselling and has gotten his head mostly out of his butt but still needs encouragement here and there.

He has spoken to his friends who are married about this. They agree his parents are overbearing and too much to handle. That his sister is the same way.

Give him time I'm sure he will see sense soon. It's very hard for people in controlling relationships to leave their partner.
Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 23:59

My kid is 3. He’ll live. I called him out to be polite to her. But I have no problem letting her know it’s rude to remove my kid from the larger party.

I don’t allow alone time because mil begs cries and guilts. She is known to break parenting rules (to our faces) and I don’t trust her alone with my kid. She’ll try to kiss him on the lips (covid gross) and feeds him foods we don’t approve of. She is also weirdly obsessed with changing him / taking him to the potty.

Sil will give her her baby. So that is one relief.

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/02/2021 00:01

If you divorce and share custody surely your children will end up spending way more time with both your PIL and SIL?

SparklingLime · 01/02/2021 00:02

Your DH’s family do sound overbearing, and now he’s married an overbearing wife. Which I guess is not surprising, but what a mess. Poor kids.

SparklingLime · 01/02/2021 00:05

Your boundaries are actually all over the place. You blame/shame your child over something outside their control, ie your MIL taking child out of the room, rather than make a direct request to your MIL. Messy.

Teardrop2021 · 01/02/2021 00:06

The only person I feel sorry is your dc and dh. You sound vile and controlling.

Pantsomime · 01/02/2021 00:06

Gosh OP marriage and relationships are ebb & flow. You’ve pitched yourself against them, any wrong words from them and they’re out. You need to be less combative and work with your DH, he’s stretching so far between both sides he’ll snap & he’ll probably stay with his family and leave you

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 01/02/2021 00:07

F-ing hell, this can’t be real? Surely nobody can be this joyless, controlling and miserable?

If you are telling the truth, read back over your posts and reflect if this is the kind of person you really want to be. Are you bringing joy to your family or trying to drag them down to your level of misery?

Groovinpeanut · 01/02/2021 00:08

My goodness OP... Seriously?
Have a read back through your posts... You sound like a nightmare!
Your poor Husband, what on Earth is wrong with you?
You seem to thing everything has to be done your way... Every post is I don't /won't agree to this... That won't be happening... This happened so I've stopped/ ensured this won't happen from now on.
You want to control your husband/ children/ in-laws this is not normal... What about what your husband and children want?
You'll moan yourself out of the whole equation the way you're going.

CooperLooper · 01/02/2021 00:13

''This is about ways to minimize contact and shut down her desire to be actively involved in my family.''

This is so sad. Sad that you think family trying to be involved in your family is something to be shut out.

You are incredibly controlling and nothing anybody else says or does will ever make you happy. You just want total control and nobody else is allowed to have an opinion or belief that is different to yours.

You're the problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2021 00:13

Your marriage is doomed.

Bumblebee1980a · 01/02/2021 00:17

It's a horrible thread to read. Poor DH and poor poor child.

Her answer. He's 3 he'll live.

You sound controlling, miserable and quite nasty to be honest. Where is all this negative energy coming from OP? You have to really take a look at your life and the way you are trying to manage/control every little situation. It isn't normal. What is it that makes you feel like you have to control everything in your environment?

You keep changing the story too. It went from mil was crying down the phone to your husband to she was shouting etc

I'm not saying they're right and your wrong. I'm saying the way you're dealing with it all is just horrendous.

You need therapy.