Could you accept a 'love child?'

Namechangeforthisone83 · 2021-01-30T15:58:28+00:00

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2021 16:00

On a break is still married. And he had unprotected sex?

I'm sorry, I would find that very destructive.

What kind of 'accepting' is he wanting from you?

blobbyface · 30/01/2021 16:08

No I couldn't. How long was the break? Was it for a certain length of time as a breathing space or was it undefined?

RandomMess · 30/01/2021 16:10

Who pushed for the break and why?

blobbyface · 30/01/2021 16:10

Just realised you said 3 months. If that was set from the beginning I'd be mightily upset that he'd slept with another woman.

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/01/2021 16:13

I would. For the sake of my own dc and the other child. That's their brother or sister. The children have the right to the opportunity to know each other.

I don't think you will be humiliated at all staying with him. The child wasn't conceived when you were together.

CocoPark · 30/01/2021 16:15

No, I couldn't.

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:16

It wasn't a set time as such, we hit a rough patch and needed the time apart. I understand we both wasn't sure if we would work things out and after around 3 months ish we decided we wanted this. The ow was a fling and I saw all the messages etc of him saying that they didn't know each other to have a child etc etc and it was not what he wanted at all but ultimately it was her decision of course.

She believes that I 'stole him from her?!!!' could you imagine. But none the less we had some counselling and decided we wanted this but I am now having doubts about whether I actually can. She said she doesn't want me around the child and he won't have overtime stays etc. Dh said that I can be as involved as I wish but won't force me into anything. I just feel so deeply angry and hurt.

OP posts:

Takingontheflab · 30/01/2021 16:17

Imo, a 3 month break set out from marriage is to take a breather. Not to explore other people. He cheated, imo.

But to answer your question; IF you decide to stay with him then yes. It isn't the child's fault and they deserve to be loved. If you can't do that, be really honest with yourself now and save you, your kids and this love child a whole lot of heartbreak.

Timbucktime · 30/01/2021 16:17

No I couldn’t

Takingontheflab · 30/01/2021 16:18

She believes that I 'stole him from her?!!!' could you imagine. But none the less we had some counselling and decided we wanted this but I am now having doubts about whether I actually can. She said she doesn't want me around the child and he won't have overtime stays etc.

I wouldn't invite this into my life. One thing asking your original question, another when the child's mother hates you. Recipe for disaster. God this poor child.

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:18

@Takingontheflab

Imo, a 3 month break set out from marriage is to take a breather. Not to explore other people. He cheated, imo.

But to answer your question; IF you decide to stay with him then yes. It isn't the child's fault and they deserve to be loved. If you can't do that, be really honest with yourself now and save you, your kids and this love child a whole lot of heartbreak.

I personally agree that it's cheating. I'm using a technicality to make myself feel a bit better I think it's sad I know😔

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Takingontheflab · 30/01/2021 16:19

Feel for you OP. This is shit. 💐

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:20

@Takingontheflab

She believes that I 'stole him from her?!!!' could you imagine. But none the less we had some counselling and decided we wanted this but I am now having doubts about whether I actually can. She said she doesn't want me around the child and he won't have overtime stays etc.

I wouldn't invite this into my life. One thing asking your original question, another when the child's mother hates you. Recipe for disaster. God this poor child.

This is my fear. Because of this hate towards me which is completely unnecessary, I'll end up hurt in the long run as it will all be so controlled by her in the future.

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Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 16:21

Time apart I assume was to take stock of your life and assess how to move forward with your relationship not how fast you can get laid.

Fastedbrownie · 30/01/2021 16:24

If we were on a break, I would, but only after Dh sorted all the shit out with the mother. Wouldn't want to hear a word about it until then.

Dd1's best friend is the child in this situation where the wife refused to, so the father had nothing to do with the child either, but mum died when he was an infant and had no family, so dad palmed him off onto somebody on his side (not sure of relation). It's all a very sad situation, because while the guy he has lived with all his life is wealthy and fun, he probably shouldn't have had a child at that stage in his life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2021 16:24

No. And following your update, absolutely definitely no. Sounds like a fucking nightmare ahead if you stay.

It’s okay to change your mind.

Why didn’t he at least use a condom?!!

Housing101 · 30/01/2021 16:26

I don't think I would want him after this. To be honest.

Do you think you actually really want to be with him? Or just didn't want him to be with her, setting up a new family etc (not that it would probably work out like that, but it's what might go through my mind).

I think it's worse for the older kids to still try and hold on to this fractured relationship. There will be problems.

litterbird · 30/01/2021 16:30

This is a lot to ask from you. Your OH was pretty selfish with his behaviour whilst you were apart. He was lucky that you had him back. Both him and his OW have caused untold drama and a whole lot of future problems with his actions. The child needs to build a relationship with you and your children. Your OH will now have to pay for the up bringing of that child too. If you have sorted your issues out after he left and that is settled then and only then are you to tackle this situation. Your marriage will be a constant triangle of you, him and the OW. The poor child will become a pawn within that. So sad.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 16:31

Basically, as soon as you decided to take a break, he went out sticking his penis in another woman. That's a great way to clear your head.

I think your future will be nothing but a clusterfuck dealing with this new baby and it's mother. It's going to hang over you like an anvil. I would be out of there.

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 30/01/2021 16:31

No way. He cheated on you. He would be an ex.

My exh asked for a 6 month break. It turns out that he was already sleeping with someone else at the time. He's adament that it started a week AFTER he asked for a break from our 9 year marriage and 15 year relationship, and so technically not cheating 🤔

I think your ex cheated and I wouldn't continue the relationship in your shoes, child or no child. That poor child! Poor you too. Horrible situation

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:31

He says they used a condom whether they did or didn't I don't know but unfortunately it is now the case.

I am not concerned about him wanting to be with her he made it very clear that he didn't want to be with her I think in some way she thought keeping it would make him want to be with her as she did agree at first they were selfish by keeping it I don't know it's all just a mess.

I think I'm scared to be without him not because I need him as such. We have worked so hard on our marriage and dc and our future plans etc its just all gone to shit. I know I would be devasted if we were to split but I also am starting to struggle with this now and wonder if I'll just always feel this deep hurt and pain.

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Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:33

I just don't know if I have the courage to walk away and break the family the kids are going to be so affected by this too.

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missrm · 30/01/2021 16:34

What a mess! That's going to destroy your family. Sooner or later. She's going to absolutely ruin your life.

Take another break and see if he ends up playing happy families with her

missrm · 30/01/2021 16:34

alwayslearning789 · 30/01/2021 16:34

"She said she doesn't want me around the child and he won't have overtime stays etc"

Thats great - she's saved you the headache on wondering about childcare there.

What I would ask is how your husband will be arranging contact?

What is done is done now, but she is the one intruding into your family space so don't let her issues distract you from managing your own.

Protect your own family unit and make it work with your husband and for your own kids if you want to. Don't let her rule your roost.