Page 2 | Could you accept a 'love child?'

Namechangeforthisone83 · 2021-01-30T15:58:28+00:00

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

RandomMess · 30/01/2021 16:35

I would be wanting him to have a DNA test seeing as though he wore a condom.

I think for your marriage to work he may need to walk away from his love child (apart from paying maintenance).

This woman sounds like a controlling nightmare that may always be after getting him back.

Pashazade · 30/01/2021 16:36

Hmm whilst his behaviour was shit, I'd be demanding a paternity test, if he says he used a condom....if she's saying you stole him back that's not exactly reasonable behaviour after what sounds like a one night stand, so perhaps she's plumped on him as a good possible father....although that could just be me grasping at straws.

Housing101 · 30/01/2021 16:40

I just don't know if I have the courage to walk away and break the family the kids are going to be so affected by this too.

Far messier for the kids if you stay. And struggle through. How are they supposed to process this. They will no it's not ok especially as they get older, and wonder why you weren't strong enough to leave.

It's broken. There's no coming back from what he's done. Call it a day.

And if the tables were turned rest assured he'd be out of there like a shot!!

Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 16:41

Madness to proceed with what ifs before he has a dna test.

SymphonyofShadows · 30/01/2021 16:42

It’s a little bit unfair to say that it’s the OW who is going to be ruining people’s lives? She slept with a man she presumably thought was separated, it’s entirely on the husband here. He made the mess.

I’d leave him OP. The OW isn’t going to get over the anger any time soon and the child will be a pawn. You can at least control the environment your children will be living in. This is going to cause them massive hurt and confusion, staying will make it far worse.

litterbird · 30/01/2021 16:43

OP, what caused the first break up? You were strong enough to stay away then, you only got back together because he came back? It really is a difficult situation. It will continue to be difficult for ever now. You have to come to terms with it now if you want to keep in your marriage. Your marriage is different now, its not what it was. You say you have worked really hard at your relationship...should it really be that hard work? Now its going to be monumentally tricky.

evenBetter · 30/01/2021 16:43

The family is already broken though, you husband chose to break it. Has he explained to his current kids about their sibling that’s coming? Is he sorting out access and future court with his shag? Once the kid is out of babyhood he should be be parenting it 50% of the time, and going to court to ensure that this happens. Yet you aren’t ‘allowed’ to be near the kid? What a dreadful lifestyle, are you sure you don’t want a happy, relaxed home with your kids and not this dirty horndog?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/01/2021 16:47

No chance. It would especially challenging for someone in my position to suck up as we have fertility issues. So no l wouldn’t accept a child he had with a random. You “stole him”?! Confusing as you can’t steal grown men, you met him first, you already had an established relationship and a child with him.

toocold54 · 30/01/2021 16:49

It’s a little bit unfair to say that it’s the OW who is going to be ruining people’s lives? She slept with a man she presumably thought was separated, it’s entirely on the husband here. He made the mess.

Exactly this.
He was single and stared a new relationship - she is his ex gf.

You and her are actually very similar and I feel like it could end up being a constant battle with him breaking up with you to go back to her and then breaking up with her to go back to you.

Most ex gfs you can forget about but this one is going to be around forever - dropping the child off, parents evenings, Christmas etc.

Lots of people deal with this fine but if you are in doubt why not break up with him until the baby is a bit older and then see if you can cope with it?

I feel like it will be less stressful for your children by seeing their dad and half sibling somewhere else and then maybe coming back as a family rather than being together, getting a new sibling and breaking up all close together.

alwayslearning789 · 30/01/2021 16:51

Also just to say that even if you left him because of this love child, there is no guarantee you won't then meet someone who has their own kids and therefore another third party to deal with.

Give your current marriage your best shot and then make a decision based on the state of your relationship and not her.

It is your DH who has got to step up on this one and prove he is fighting to keep your family unit strong as well.

And remember the kid is innocent in this. It is not the kid's fault so there is no need for any hatred to be directed to the child now or in the future, hard though that may be.

I am sure there will be someone coming along to advise who has been in this situation.

Sending you hugs it is not an easy situation OP, but once you get through the initial grief- and it is a form of grief for the initial life you had built - you will find a way forward that you feel comfortable with - whether you decide to stay or to go.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/01/2021 16:52

@Housing101 very good point. I genuinely can’t think of an instance when a man would accept this. It’s interesting how woman are always expected to be so forgiving

If you do want to stay with him then l would state some ground rules. She’s a random bunk up at the end of the day. Why is she trying to call the tune over everyone else? He also better get a 2nd job as l wouldn’t be paying for the child out of family money. I just wouldn’t engage with the stress of it, court appearances, her demands, childcare logistics etc etc. You weren’t involved in conceiving this child

Windchangeface · 30/01/2021 16:52

I’m married, one DC and another on the way.
We’ve had a couple of rocky patches over the years, who doesn’t. We’ve even had our own bedrooms briefly. Obviously we worked it out and we do love each other very much.

There has never been a time either of us have looked elsewhere. Both of us respect the other too much to consider that until we knew the relationship was fully done and dead.

I personally could never get over DH having slept with someone else, break or not, and I certainly would never ever face the utter humiliation of having to deal with him having a love child.

Never. Nope

Pippa234 · 30/01/2021 16:53

No I couldn't but I think for me just him sleeping with someone during the break would be enough for me to not want him back, let alone him getting someone pregnant.

I also wouldn't want to be a step mum again and let's face it by the sounds of it things aren't going to be easy in that department.

I hope things work out for you, which ever route you take

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:54

The relationship was great and I think we hit a barrier and lost communication along the way and we split rather than communicated. We were both pretty stressed with work etc and it had a knock on effect. We both agreed we wanted to be together and after getting back together was when he/we found out she was pregnant.

I really don't know what is going to happen in the future. I know he is broken by what he has done and he is struggling to feel any form of happiness or attachment to the child and has been to the doctors as I and they believe he is depressed.

She has messaged his family, his mother his aunts brother. She definitely wants him back and is doing all she can to 'get in' on his family telling them before he even had the chance to process anything I would even go as far as to say playing the victim. It's really just a shit show.

Even writing it I know I sound stupid but I of course love my husband and expect everyone makes mistakes and this is definitely a walking talking mistake that will be there for life and I guess I'm struggling to let go of all we built.

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justanotherneighinparadise · 30/01/2021 16:55

Even if I thought I could accept it I know it would eat away at me and I would end up hating him, hating her, hating the child and then probably hating myself for being so bitter.

So I’m afraid that would be it. I would be done and we would have to try our best to spit amicably. I honestly think the only chance you have to heal is away from him and away from the pain of what he did.

user86386427 · 30/01/2021 16:55

No, way too messy for me.

KylieKoKo · 30/01/2021 16:55

The attitude towards a woman who slept with a separated man and was then left pregnant when he decided to go back to his wife is shocking here. She's a victim in all of this and is now raising a baby alone!

OP I can't tell you what to do here. Was the three month break one where you knew you'd get back together or did he genuinely think he was single? If the ow hadn't got pregnant how would you feel? Are you prepared for your husband to be a proper father to this child while living with you?

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:55

@toocold54

It’s a little bit unfair to say that it’s the OW who is going to be ruining people’s lives? She slept with a man she presumably thought was separated, it’s entirely on the husband here. He made the mess.

Exactly this.
He was single and stared a new relationship - she is his ex gf.

You and her are actually very similar and I feel like it could end up being a constant battle with him breaking up with you to go back to her and then breaking up with her to go back to you.

Most ex gfs you can forget about but this one is going to be around forever - dropping the child off, parents evenings, Christmas etc.

Lots of people deal with this fine but if you are in doubt why not break up with him until the baby is a bit older and then see if you can cope with it?

I feel like it will be less stressful for your children by seeing their dad and half sibling somewhere else and then maybe coming back as a family rather than being together, getting a new sibling and breaking up all close together.

They was not in a relationship she was never his gf ever. They had 3 dates and slept together twice.

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PinkiOcelot · 30/01/2021 16:56

No. I couldn’t accept this at all. You were on a break, but that didn’t necessitate him sleeping with someone else.

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 16:57

Also I have no hate towards the child at all. It's not the child's fault at all.

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Aspiringmatriarch · 30/01/2021 16:59

When you 'took a break', was there any discussion of what that meant? If it was a total separation and you then both changed your minds and got back together, then I think that's a bit different to cheating.

If you'd known about the fling but no child had resulted, how would you have felt? I think if it were me I could get past that, but everyone's different. It's really about how you feel, and there's no right or wrong way to feel about it.

Pringlemonster · 30/01/2021 16:59

I disagree that he was cheating
You had a 3 month break from the marriage/ relationship
That meant you were both free to do as you pls
You could of done the same ,but didn’t
Are you upset op ,that you spent the 3 months separate ,trying to figure out your relationship with him ,
but he spent it shagging around
,is that why your upset?
You either accept the situation,or you don’t
Personally
I’d be worried he end up flitting between the 2 of you ,I’d be forever thinking they were still sleeping together..but I’m a jealous bitch ,so I’d not have him back no

LIZS · 30/01/2021 17:00

Your separation, presumably around a year ago, still sounds raw and unresolved. Why did you and he decide to reconcile? Was he honest as to what had been going on during the break, even if the pg only became apparent later? If she had not kept the baby would he have ever told you?

Helmetbymidnight · 30/01/2021 17:00

Oh Op, I feel for you.

No idea what I'd do. All I can say is, take your time, there's no rush. I do know women who stayed - in both cases they were massively wealthy - I don't know why I mention that, well, I suppose if you're skint and supporting another family then I think that would be rubbing salt into the wounds.

Take care - you WILL get through it.

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:01

@Aspiringmatriarch

When you 'took a break', was there any discussion of what that meant? If it was a total separation and you then both changed your minds and got back together, then I think that's a bit different to cheating.

If you'd known about the fling but no child had resulted, how would you have felt? I think if it were me I could get past that, but everyone's different. It's really about how you feel, and there's no right or wrong way to feel about it.

At the beginning we didn't know what was happening as communication was so bad we didn't actually discuss t&cs of that makes sense. I would have moved past the fling a lot easier if there wasn't a child. He admitted everything to me showed me everything msgs etc and we decided to make a go off it.

Then a few weeks after getting back together he found out she was pregnant.

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