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Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
litterbird · 30/01/2021 17:17

OP you have no idea the story he spun this OW to get into her bed. Men have the script they use and it worked for her. I feel for all of you. The OW is hurting as you are. She thought there was something there with your husband and herself. She wanted a relationship with him and he bolted back to you. Your husband is quite rightly feeling low. His mess is huge and I dont know how he is going to clear this up. She is angry and upset at the moment and quite rightly. She faces raising a child without the father being there full time. Its scary. It doesn't matter if she had a choice or not, she chose to have his baby (if it is his). I hope your husband steps up financially and emotionally to support her and the child. You will need to support this too if you choose to stay.

marshmallowfluffy · 30/01/2021 17:19

She said she doesn't want me around the child and he won't have overtime stays etc.

It's not up to her. Is your h seeing the child? Does he plan to get a CAO to see the child? If he does he would be able to get overnights (eventually) and introduce the child to whoever he pleases.

As hard as it would be to walk away I think that it will not be as hard as if you stay. She will be able to cause a lot of trouble for you and your kids like pressuring your h to come round to see the child on Xmas Day and eventually spending time with your kids too.

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation

MrDarcysMa · 30/01/2021 17:21

It depends on a couple of things for me.
Did he have sleep with you after having unprotected sex with a stranger?
And did he only find out about the pregnancy after getting back with you or did he hide it from you ?
Those would be a dealbreaker for me. It's not necessarily the child I couldn't accept, it's the lying husband.
Sorry for what you're going through op x

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:22

I have seen all the messages. She was a fling I even know for a fact when he met her on the night out it was literally a 2/3wk thing I have also seen the phone bills etc. She was thrown out by her family when she told them she was pregnant. They was not happy about the pregnancy as they/she didn't even know the guy. She was desperate to make a point to her family that they were a couple hence the begging and messaging his family.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 30/01/2021 17:22

It is really unhelpful, and rather unkind, to bang on that the husband cheated in your opinion. The OP doesn't present as she thinks that and this isn't one of those times where she needed telling something she hasn't realised.

I think this is one of those situations where you just have to live it to see if you can. You can change your mind if it isn't working for you. The baby will always be his child, your children half sibling and eventually will be in your life and you'll have a relationship with them by the very nature of who their father and siblings are.

Don't rush. Take care of yourself. See how it goes.

toocold54 · 30/01/2021 17:22

It's easy to say she is the victim but it was ultimately her decision to keep the child knowing that he didn't want her or the child. Of course like I said it is entirely her choice but she's hardly a victim and by the way she has been acting its hard for me to feel anything but anger towards her. Not the child but to her.

I get why you would have anger towards her but your DP is just as much to blame. She wasn’t able to make a baby alone he had to have his part in it.
So I’m confused why you seem more annoyed with her than him.

She is going to feel anger towards your DP too because in her eyes he was happy to have sex with her but now he’s done using her she should just disappear.

Yes life would be easier if she didn’t exist but you broke up before she came along.
If she wasn’t around, do you think the problems in relationship you had before are better now?

I would personally need to not be with him until I dealt with everything on my own for a while.
The only ‘good’ thing is that he didn’t cheat on you and get someone else pregnant - that I definitely couldn’t deal with.

If it was you who got pregnant during the break how do you think he would feel/would you want him to stay?

P.s OP I think you’re being very strong and level headed in a really stressful situation.

CakeRequired · 30/01/2021 17:25

If you're sure he only knew her for a short time op, she's crazy then. I'd be running away from that drama as quick as I could. She will be a nightmare to deal with.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:27

@toocold54

It's easy to say she is the victim but it was ultimately her decision to keep the child knowing that he didn't want her or the child. Of course like I said it is entirely her choice but she's hardly a victim and by the way she has been acting its hard for me to feel anything but anger towards her. Not the child but to her.

I get why you would have anger towards her but your DP is just as much to blame. She wasn’t able to make a baby alone he had to have his part in it.
So I’m confused why you seem more annoyed with her than him.

She is going to feel anger towards your DP too because in her eyes he was happy to have sex with her but now he’s done using her she should just disappear.

Yes life would be easier if she didn’t exist but you broke up before she came along.
If she wasn’t around, do you think the problems in relationship you had before are better now?

I would personally need to not be with him until I dealt with everything on my own for a while.
The only ‘good’ thing is that he didn’t cheat on you and get someone else pregnant - that I definitely couldn’t deal with.

If it was you who got pregnant during the break how do you think he would feel/would you want him to stay?

P.s OP I think you’re being very strong and level headed in a really stressful situation.

Ooo he did not get off lightly at all. He definitely got a bollocking from me his mother his aunt everyone. I think I'm more angered towards her as she seems to just be causing issues.

Our problems from before are definitely resolved. And it has been hard yes. But I am still just so conflicted

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 30/01/2021 17:28

How does she have his families contact details? Facebook? Can’t everyone just block her?
Is the baby here already or when is she due?
He’s going to need to spend time just the 3 of them when baby arrives if he wants to be a part of the baby’s life....do you trust him to do this?
Honestly @Namechangeforthisone83 I couldn’t and I would need to end this.
Good luck to you.

KylieKoKo · 30/01/2021 17:28

I don't think there is healthy resolution to this OP.

You've now said that she has been kicked out as well as being left while pregnant so she is sounding like she's is in a pretty desperate situation...

If she has nowhere to live in the future then your husband would have moral duty to take his child in. Could you live with that? Could you live with him not taking the child in?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 30/01/2021 17:28

I think if you are going to stay together he needs to start putting some firm boundaries in place with her. Get a paternity test as he apparently used a condom O_o. Then he needs to be clear with her that he wants contact with the child, not her. Make it clear that she cant dictate who the child is around when baby is with him, and that he will go for court ordered access if she messes around.

She is hoping that the baby will bring them together, your husband needs to make it clear to her that its not going to happen.

Saying that, her contacting his family etc is pretty out of order and it sounds like there may be years of drama ahead. I'd not blame you for wanting out.

PicsInRed · 30/01/2021 17:28

@Namechangeforthisone83

I have seen all the messages. She was a fling I even know for a fact when he met her on the night out it was literally a 2/3wk thing I have also seen the phone bills etc. She was thrown out by her family when she told them she was pregnant. They was not happy about the pregnancy as they/she didn't even know the guy. She was desperate to make a point to her family that they were a couple hence the begging and messaging his family.
How old is this girl (?) if she was living at home and thrown out for being pregnant?
Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:29

@CakeRequired

If you're sure he only knew her for a short time op, she's crazy then. I'd be running away from that drama as quick as I could. She will be a nightmare to deal with.
I honestly hate to judge people but she really is not level headed at all she is crazy I don't get why she would message all of his family. She is and has been a nightmare this whole time.
OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:29

She's 31! But I believe her parents are/we're quite strict.

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 17:30

Would adults really throw a pregnant adult out? All sounds dodgy as hell.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:30

Also just to add she has moved back home. She was kicked out initially.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2021 17:32

No I wouldn’t
Not only is there a child but the OW will always be in your life on some level

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:32

I just feel so angry I feel so drained and with covid I can't just be around my family for support.

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 30/01/2021 17:33

Sounds like a lot of drama, I'm afraid I'd bail . I'd expect the husband to take responsibility for his child and would not object to my kids having a relationship with their brother or sister. I suspect if you stayed in this marriage youd bear a lot of the brunt of these dramas. He needs to be on his own to sort this out himself..

MrDarcysMa · 30/01/2021 17:36

The fact that she's still living at home and is desperately trying to contact your husbands family makes me think this is going to be extremely complicated and she's not independent and is going to be quite reliant on him.
I feel for her I do, but I couldn't have that drama in my life.

Mama1980 · 30/01/2021 17:36

I'm not sure your husband has done anything wrong. I mean not great, but you weren't together at the time. I could probably get past him sleeping with her.
The child is a whole other issue. I don't think I would be able to cope with such drama in my life. Of course your children will know their half sibling etc in the future but there's no need for you to stay with you h your h presumably would be going to visit every weekend/have the child every other weekend, overnights etc. Tbh if he didn't want that you have bigger problems.
If you decide to proceed you need to get you h to put clear boundaries in place with her, what he will and will not do. Sort out a visitation schedule, certainly be prepared to get a court ordered one in place.

2021Sunshine · 30/01/2021 17:36

I’d insist on a paternity test then do a child arrangement order. Ask her to put a maintenance claim in.

Be the decent ones. Tell her that the child deserves both parents in her life but one parent comes with a family of his is by including half siblings.

Your husband has been a fool but you were on a break and a 12 week one at that. Sounds like she found out she was pregnant as you in were reconciling so he took up with her half way through that break.

litterbird · 30/01/2021 17:37

Take a deep breath OP. This is just the beginning. What a mess. Its very raw at the moment. Once the baby comes along then perhaps things will settle. Her parents will help her and your husband can visit her and the baby and be a part of their lives. You can try and live your lives as a unit as best as possible.

2021Sunshine · 30/01/2021 17:38

As for his family then they don’t need to be involved at present. Contact Is through your husband and that contact needs to be focused on the child only.

She’s clearly angry but also sounds immature relationships wise.

hesneverfaraway · 30/01/2021 17:38

I wouldn’t be happy (at all) but with my OH if this happened to us rather than towards the child. I’d be pushing him to step up though paying and seeing the baby etc