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Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
wibblewombat · 30/01/2021 17:40

She sounds quite young?

BendyLikeBeckham · 30/01/2021 17:41

OP, if you decide not to be with him any more, it's not you 'breaking the family up'. He did that when he risked creating a pregnancy elsewhere.

Why do men always seem to find solace in a vagina when they are having relationship problems? Even if he thought you had split up for good, why did he have to be rutting so quickly after leaving the family home and your bed, while you were holding everything together for your children?

I bet you didn't go out on dates, fuck a randomer and risk getting pregnant in those 3 months, did you.

PicsInRed · 30/01/2021 17:41

@Santaiscovidfree

Would adults really throw a pregnant adult out? All sounds dodgy as hell.
Her husband might.
MizMoonshine · 30/01/2021 17:41

I think I could. But I would need a solid plan of action and ground rules.

First things first. DNA test. If they used a condom, get that established.

Baby isn't his? Move forward rebuilding your relationship.

Baby is Hubby's? Right. Court for official visitation rights. She can't stop him from having visitation and overnight stays if the court grants it, which they likely will as it's in the child's best interests to have a father.
CMS. Make the arrangements for regular payments through CMS rather than doing so privately so there's a good record of it.
She and your husband need to have everything sorted officially and legally so that there's no reason for him and her to interact.
There will be no need for her dislike of you to disturb your life at all. I'd advise going through a family member for contact and pick up/drop offs.

The important thing is your family. How are your children? How are you explaining this to them?

hesneverfaraway · 30/01/2021 17:42

She’s 31 and living with family who throw her out pregnant? Do you think she got pregnant to try and escape some kind of bad situation? Maybe she’s having a really bad time and there could be a lot more to it. It’s a hard situation for you OP but I’d be really suspicious. Not to minimise what’s been done to you or anything like that but she doesn’t sound as if she’s in a good place either 😞

Knackeredmommy · 30/01/2021 17:44

Cheating or not, I couldn't deal with my husband having a new baby with another woman and all that comes with that. I'd have to leave, of course it's not the child's fault and my children would have a relationship with their sibling, but I know that strain would kill my relationship.

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/01/2021 17:44

Paternity test before you is u make any decisions. Each outcome will bring a different set of emotions. He didn't really do anything wrong - separated and had sex - regardless of what may people say

tolerable · 30/01/2021 17:47

no it does not have to destroy you and your family.she is not the other woman.it was...a thing that happened,you seem fairly non raged by..you trust your fella or you dont?if thats not the issue..then whats her support like.is it first baby.? has he agreed to be birth cert?is he defo daddy?are your kids to be siblings? what scares you,being without him cos..youre inexperienced in flying solo,or being without him cos you do actually want to be an "us"...its a shitload to take in\take on. you can make anything at all work.if you choose to.answer to nobody but yourself.x

Minniem2020 · 30/01/2021 17:48

Oh op I really feel for you. I personally couldn't do this, I'm an insanely jealous person and couldn't go back to my DH knowing he'd slept with someone else while we were on a break.
However that's just me and I do know a couple who had this situation and they have managed to make it work and are still together many years later. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do x

Blacktothepink · 30/01/2021 17:49

No, I couldn’t.

marauder1994 · 30/01/2021 17:51

Sorry to be the one to ask: but is the child definitely is? i'd worry she was a little obsessed with him and perhaps wants the child to be his as she's desperate for that relationship. xx

Daisy829 · 30/01/2021 17:52

I think I could accept the child but if the ow is being difficult then this could have an impact on your own children and relationship so it could change things quite a lot. I wouldn’t want to deal with someone controlling my life because of his mistake it would make me angry at him. Hope you can work it out op.

tolerable · 30/01/2021 17:54

as she kicked the ball-and informed the dhs family.can you both praps approach hers.?you dont have to particulatly explain yourselfs.if you follow her lead..//it is what it is.boundaries are essential...crash through them optional.whats dh view ?

blisstwins · 30/01/2021 17:55

If you want to stay with him and can wrap your head around him having had sex with someone else I would not let the child affect that decision. The mother can do what she wants. He has parental rights. Go to court, get an order, and go as no contact with the mother as possible. The child is innocent and deserving of family. Even if you divorce your children should know the child. OW sounds like a freak. So sorry.

jerometheturnipking · 30/01/2021 17:56

I'm so sorry for your situation OP.

Honestly - your marriage and family as you know it will be gone as soon as the child is born. You will always have to take this woman's life into consideration when you do anything.
You leave or kick him out and then your life is your own, yes you'll share custody of your two DC but dealing with the OW and her DC will only be your husband's problem.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:56

I don't actually understand how I am son calm I feel maybe love is clouding my head. I am so angry with him more than her of course but I think seeing how much this broke him is tugging at my heart. He is and has been destroyed by this.

Just to add she is back home and seems to have support from her family about it all now. I believe she is due in a few weeks. I'd be lying if I said I knew for certain he has still been very open with me but there are times I just don't want to hear about it. I am extremely jealous myself but I have no trust issues at all.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/01/2021 17:56

Your husband's family is this child's family too - and by extension, is this woman's family also. She's not the victim here anymore than you are, OP. She has every right to seek a relationship for her child with your husband's family.

Your husband has seen fit to sleep with another woman 'on a break' and father a child. He already had children, he knows the facts of life - and he made this happen. This is on him and I don't accept that he's 'broken'. He's just having to deal with a situation of his own making.

How will you ever know if he's telling you the truth saying that he wants to be with you and not her? If you split up, he'd presumably go right back to her. What a prize twat he is. Urgh.

He' a selfish excuse for a man. It's up to you whether you can stomach being with him. I feel sorry for all the children involved.

sadpapercourtesan · 30/01/2021 17:56

"On a break"? With two kids? I find that baffling. Going through a tough patch and giving each other space for a bit, I can understand - but you were still married with two young children and a life together. It was cheating and there's no fucking excuse good enough for that.

No, I couldn't accept it, and I don't think you should either.

meltedgalaxy · 30/01/2021 17:57

No

AllMyPrettyOnes · 30/01/2021 17:58

I absolutely couldn't deal with that.

4Mongrels · 30/01/2021 17:58

Whatever you decide, if the child proves to be your husband's then she cannot dictate to him whether the child gets to spend time with you or not.

I don't think I could get over this in all honesty, but I certainly wouldn't accept my children's half sibling not being allowed to spend time with us as a family if I did.

Standrewsschool · 30/01/2021 17:59

3 dates,slept together twice. I know it’s it’s possible, but are you sure it’s his?

havanacabana · 30/01/2021 17:59

No I couldn’t do this, you were on a break in the first place and thought you’d used that time to work things out and realise what you want and now ironically said break has caused a situation 100x messier than whatever issues already existed beforehand. Personally I wouldn’t be able to deal with it and would feel very much ‘I didn’t want or ask for this family set-up’ Likewise I would understand if my DH felt that way if we had 3-month break and became pregnant by another man. That said everyone is different and would deal with it differently but I just know it’s not something I would want to be part of.

LilQueenie · 30/01/2021 17:59

she thinks you stole him from her. Have you considered a dna test. For all you know it might not be his but she could be lying to try win him over.

Georgyporky · 30/01/2021 18:00

I'd want a paternity test when the child is born - might not be his.