Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

Hope she dumped this snake who can't even keep his pecker in his trousers for 3 months, never mind the whole ridiculous 'break' thing. You don't take a fucking break from your marriage, that's called separation.

I could never be a step parent so it would be a divorce for me.

Where did he live when he was 'on the break'?

No and I couldn't with such a fickle man. Didn't take him long to engage his cock did it?
If you want to settle and accept his child that's your decision,
either way you need a higher bar and to gain some dignity.

Depends on if it was mine or not

Please make sure your own children know it's not the child's fault and that your husband, when it's here, treats it fairly, independently from her.

I think you are being quite sensible to distance yourself from this as far as possible and it does sound as though your marriage is worth salvaging.

Anecdotally, the person I mentioned earlier who was in similar situation did stay with wife (had one child with her before his affair), she knew and sometimes asked about the other woman's child but never met them and her older child did not know. They went on to have another child and quite a successful marriage for several years, then the 'love child' was adult and wanted to meet her older and younger sister. That was discussed and organised with some degree of success.

They did eventually split up in their mid fifties for all sorts of reasons, not least of which was his redundancy and a complete change of life and occupation.

He stayed alone, very supportive of his three grown up children and a foster child.

Wife remarried. Other woman eventually married.

Oh dear. Poor you. Poor child.

I’d love to say yes I could but... I doubt it.

When the baby is here, your h needs to get DNA tests done

Then if and when it’s confirmed that it’s his, you can make any decision you need to make

If he wouldn’t stand by you, which is his choice, you too have that choice.

This woman will make your lives miserable because (a) she’s motivated to do so, and (b) because your h isn’t doing anything to stop it.

His message to her needs to be DNA test and then we talk. No DNA test, no nothing.

So you took a break to try to take stock of the difficulties within your marriage. During that time he created a situation that I can only imagine is worse than the one that caused the separation. I’m guessing you discovered the pregnancy after you reconciled?

The OP hasn’t been back to the thread since January

I don't think it was cheating. For all either of you knew it was a lifelong split.

The important people here are the children, all three of them. Your existing children need security. It is not healthy for them to have parents that split up and reunite and then split up again. The two of you need to decide now and once and for all whether you are a couple for life or not. If him having the third child (a half sibling for them) is a deal breaker for you then act on that now. End it and mean it. Don't string things out for a few more weeks or years and then split up again.

This new child deserves a father in her life. How that manifests will be for her parents to work out between them. The mum sounds very immature at the moment but hopefully will grow up a bit soon. You have no control over her or her choices. The only person you have control is you. If you don't think you can be kind and loving to the child because you resent the facts of her conception, then end the relationship with her dad now.

The new child deserves a father in their life.

This is so hard but on some level I think leaving him would just give her what she wants. She is clearly a piece of work based on her actions with his family etc. I think I’d be tempted to battle on for that reason alone, but I am very stubborn! Time is a great healer and the more trouble she causes the worse she will look ?

Get out now. I tried for years to embrace my ex-husband's love child (a misnomer if ever there was one) and it just about destroyed me. I was told I was amazing, and wonderful for trying to accept this child for the sake of the children, but the toll on me was considerable. It is not your responsibility to make up for the irresponsibility of your husband and his lover. The impact on the children is the consequence of their choices, not yours.

To do the best you can for your children, you have to do what is best for you. You will end up bitter and resentful after years of your husband running around after his additional child. His lover will always have a hold on him, always have a part of him, and having to see that in the man who promised to be there for you will slowly eat away at you and gradually erode what respect, trust and love there is between you.

I honestly look back now, and while I am proud of myself for having tried to salvage my marriage, the reality is, it was destroyed the moment he chose to have unprotected sex with the woman who bore his lovechild. I wish I had left sooner.

I get how hard it is to find the courage to go - but once you have found it, embrace it. You are not leaving your marriage - with his actions he has already shut the door on it.

This is an old thread.

Could you accept a 'love child?'

Not unless I were Jennifer Aldridge.

And she's a fictional character.

I would want to accept it but I know, if I'm honest with myself, that I couldn't. I doubt I'd even get over just the sleeping with someone else while seperated. It would eat away at me inside.

I wish you well OP. It sounds like you have some very difficult times coming your way regardless of whether you stay or go.

Is there physical proof she's pregnant? Has your 'D'H seen a scan or photo showing her pregnant? The scan would show how many weeks she is, which would pinpoint the likely date of conception. At any rate, it would prove she's pregnant.

I'm assuming he's had no visual contact with her since their three encounters? Is it possible she could be making it up?

Not saying this is the case, just throwing it out there. I didn't see you address this in any of your posts, so apologies if you have and I missed it.

THIS IS FROM JANUARY!

Th baby has been born by now, and OP has not returned.

No, I couldn’t.

No I wouldn't wish to be involved with his so called love child, the Mother,and possibly this unreliable man.

ZOMBIE thread!

It's all over now.

She sounds batshit. Definitely get a DNA test done , you can’t be 100% sure otherwise. If you stay, that woman will make your lives a misery, and you need an honest conversation with DH regarding this. You can argue about being on a break until the cows come home, but really, it’s about how you feel isn’t it ?

Good luck, what a horrible situation.

@Namechangeforthisone83

Presumably you have done a DNA test by now?

No I wouldn't

Have you thought about having another break ? try to get your head around everything, see how you feel in a couple of months etc