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Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 30/01/2021 17:02

They was not in a relationship she was never his gf ever. They had 3 dates and slept together twice.

You said she is doing anything to get him back - this sounds like a relationship to me and she very much thought they were together. He is obviously going to play it down to you to protect your feelings more.

She is a victim in this situation. The only one who has done anything wrong is your DP and if you do decide to finish it then he’ll have to live with the fact it was his fault.

Lots of people could continue in this relationship but your responses being annoyed/blaming the gf means that you can’t deal with him being involved with her so much still - I couldn’t either.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:04

@LIZS

Your separation, presumably around a year ago, still sounds raw and unresolved. Why did you and he decide to reconcile? Was he honest as to what had been going on during the break, even if the pg only became apparent later? If she had not kept the baby would he have ever told you?
He was extremely honest from the beginning and she was genuinely the only person he was talking to and I do believe him. He definitely told me everything before he found out she was pregnant. He was and is still devasted by her decision but ultimately it was hers to make.
OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 30/01/2021 17:04

I don't see that he did anything 'wrong'. He slept with a woman using contraception while separated from his wife.
shit happens. Looking for villains and victims isn't always necessary.

Dozer · 30/01/2021 17:05

If ‘the relationship was great’, apart from ‘communication’, why did you break up?

How did your H meet OW? If he knew her before your break up it seems likely this was a factor in the breakup. If he didn’t, it was shitty of him to have sex with someone new so soon after the breakup, particularly since you have DC to consider.

Has he asked for a paternity test?

I wouldn’t believe him about the condom. The odds are v low of pregnancy with a condom after only a few shags.

the cheating, unprotected sex, and OW’s pregnancy - even had she chosen to have an abortion - would, for me, be too much to forgive/forget.

Cocopogo · 30/01/2021 17:06

The child yes. DH cheating, not wearing a condom (someone is lying, my money is on him but a paternity test will clear that up if you are daft enough to believe him)

Aspiringmatriarch · 30/01/2021 17:07

I think I could forgive that. It wasn't the right thing to do, but if you were separated at the time and presumably both in a bad way emotionally I can see how it could happen. Lack of communication surely means he wouldn't have had a clue if you were going to reconcile? And it sounds as if he was honest regardless of the pregnancy.

Out of interest, who initiated the separation?

Affor · 30/01/2021 17:07

Did you agree to take a break, or did you split up then get back together? There's a big difference.

Blueberryflavour · 30/01/2021 17:07

It’s cheating in my book if you were both supposed to be taking time out to think about your relationship. First question though is he sure the baby is his, getting someone pregnant within 2 go’s is a bit like winning the lottery.
There is no good solution if you stay together really, he will have to pay child support which will affect your family budget for the next 18 years.
Scenario 1 you all see the child - so that’s a constant reminder in your life and dealing with child’s mum
Scenario 2 only he sees the child - taking time away from you as a family and him having to deal with child’s mum on his own
Scenario 3 he doesn’t see child which makes you wonder if he can so easily cut 1 of his children out of his life could he do the same to your children together if you did end up splitting up.
What a mess.

CakeRequired · 30/01/2021 17:08

Not a chance could I do this. It wouldn't be fair on the child, I would never love them or like them. I wouldn't be horrible, but certainly wouldn't be interested in spending time together, looking after them etc. They would just be a constant reminder of my husbands unfaithfulness.

Nope he'd be getting divorce papers.

C152 · 30/01/2021 17:08

This is a really difficult one. I think I could live with the fact that DH had a child, as it occurred while you were on a break, but I don't think I could live with a lifetime of hatred from the other woman, and her intrusion into your life. Like it or not, if he decides to be involved in this child's life, he and the other woman will be in each other's lives forever...you'll never be free of her.

I think this would probably be the end of the marriage for me. Even if DH tried to keep his dealings with the other woman completely separate, every time they had an argument, he'd be in a bad mood etc. It would impact you, even if he tried his best to keep that part of his life separate.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:08

@toocold54

They was not in a relationship she was never his gf ever. They had 3 dates and slept together twice.

You said she is doing anything to get him back - this sounds like a relationship to me and she very much thought they were together. He is obviously going to play it down to you to protect your feelings more.

She is a victim in this situation. The only one who has done anything wrong is your DP and if you do decide to finish it then he’ll have to live with the fact it was his fault.

Lots of people could continue in this relationship but your responses being annoyed/blaming the gf means that you can’t deal with him being involved with her so much still - I couldn’t either.

I've seen the messages she has sent even to his family members. It was definitely not a relationship. She even said in the messages to his mum if she keeps the child can she ask him to consider a relationship with her even just to try see if they could work. I don't see a few dates as a relationship at all.

It's easy to say she is the victim but it was ultimately her decision to keep the child knowing that he didn't want her or the child. Of course like I said it is entirely her choice but she's hardly a victim and by the way she has been acting its hard for me to feel anything but anger towards her. Not the child but to her.

I honestly don't know if this is something I can deal with at least at this moment in time it's just such a shit situation.

OP posts:
user2021 · 30/01/2021 17:08

Really feel for you OP. You and your partner obviously still have feelings for each other and want to make it work and I wish you all the best in that Thanks

I could get over him shagging other women whilst you were on a break (I'd probably have been out shagging other guys to be honest!) but I'm not sure I could get over him not using protection whilst having sex and risking a pregnancy (which ultimately happened). That would really hurt my heart.

Dozer · 30/01/2021 17:10

Yes, the condom thing is important IMO, think after making shit decisions to have unprotected sex he lied about it to increase the chances you’d take him back.

PurpleMustang · 30/01/2021 17:10

First off a DNA test needs to be organised. Then you 2 need to sit down and agree to how much contact you would want to have before speaking to her. Can she really demand you can't see the child, I don't think so? You may need to get legal advice and do it all by the book from the start so as that she can't be messing you about. If you do this ad hoc she has already shown she will cause all sorts of problems. This working is going to depend on you and him being a team and sticking as a united unit

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 17:10

@Dozer

If ‘the relationship was great’, apart from ‘communication’, why did you break up?

How did your H meet OW? If he knew her before your break up it seems likely this was a factor in the breakup. If he didn’t, it was shitty of him to have sex with someone new so soon after the breakup, particularly since you have DC to consider.

Has he asked for a paternity test?

I wouldn’t believe him about the condom. The odds are v low of pregnancy with a condom after only a few shags.

the cheating, unprotected sex, and OW’s pregnancy - even had she chosen to have an abortion - would, for me, be too much to forgive/forget.

She is a random girl never known to him or me before. Met her on a night out. He has asked for paternity test. We broke up as we were both going through things and rather than be normal and fix it we were both a bit irrate and irrational and split.
OP posts:
rosesarered2021 · 30/01/2021 17:11

I think you may have to question why a) you needed a break and b) he was so quick to sleep with another woman.
You may be able to work things out now, but things like this come back to haunt you further down the line.
Sorry to sound negative but it's not a good situation for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2021 17:11

How do you think he would have reacted if you'd slept with someone and got pregnant while on this break? I think I can guess.

KylieKoKo · 30/01/2021 17:11

@Namechangeforthisone83
It sounds like you think she should have terminated the pregnancy for the convenience of you and your family .... Not everyone sees termination as an option and this is something that the husband should have considered before sleeping with her.

She is in a much worse position than you are.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 30/01/2021 17:11

This is so tough for you, but I could never rebuild a relationship after this. Did you see other people during the break OP? If not, then that says a lot about your feelings towards making your marriage work vs your husbands.

Brunt0n · 30/01/2021 17:12

Not a chance I'd hang around
How humiliating it would be!

BendyLikeBeckham · 30/01/2021 17:13

It's not a "love child", it's the unintended result of your dickhead H sticking his dick somewhere.

And the mother is already using the baby to manipulate things. Poor child.

If you kicked him out tomorrow, 100% guaranteed he would be in her bed the same night. Sorry, that must hurt, but you know its true.

End this debacle now and regain your dignity.

He isn't as committed to this marriage as you are. You should start making a life without him. It will be far less stressful and more joyful when you don't have all this shit to deal with.

LolaSmiles · 30/01/2021 17:14

If it was a short break to reflect and take stock, but you were still a couple then then fling was cheating imo. If you separated for a while with no plans to reconnect and then after 3 months you got back together then I dont think it was cheating.

If it was the second situation and you can find it to accept the child for the sake of your children then I would try. The first I can see being a lot more emotionally complex and it might be that your children and this child need to meet separate from you to spare your feelings.

I would agree with PP about a paternity test though.

*The attitude towards a woman who slept with a separated man and was then left pregnant when he decided to go back to his wife is shocking here.
*She's a victim in all of this and is now raising a baby alone!
I don't think she is necessarily. It's highly unlikely in 12 short weeks they had a serious relationship and were planning a family together and were convinced this was the love of each other's lives.

She slept with a separated man and chose to continue with a pregnancy knowing he was back with his wife and they were no longer separated (as is her right, her body her choice), but her actions going round his family and trying to shit stir are not the actions of a victim.
They are the actions of a woman who wants to feel she has won the pick me dance and would be all too willing to use the poor child as a weapon.

PicsInRed · 30/01/2021 17:14

It looks a lot like he was having an affair (classic communication issues, sulking, stonewalling whilst cheating) and manufactured a nice, respectable "break" to try out a relationship with a fun, unencumbered woman - they can then cleanly announce their "new" relationship after separation. Another baby though - that wasn't what he'd banked on, so he came back to the wife and big comfortable family home rather than replicate family life as a broke divorced guy in a flat.

Is that the sort of value you're willing to accept for yourself, OP? Hiw will you feel about paying her child maintenance? How will you feel on visitation days, looking after OW's child? Can you treat the child like your own, so they aren't scarred by it? Can you then be happy with that life?

Starseeking · 30/01/2021 17:16

I couldn't accept this, even though the child was conceived when on a "relationship break". Surely he should have been focussing on how to save his marriage, not where to find new women to sleep with. The constant reminder of the DH's fling would be too much for me to bear.

Also, think about how your DH/you are going to explain to your DC that they have a sibling younger than they are who isn't also your DC, AND sound positive about it, when you are clearly not please (no wife would be).

As others have said, it sounds like there was more to the relationship between your DH and the mother of his future DC, if she thought it was just a fling, I doubt she'd be contacting his family etc. Your DH is downplaying this enormously.

CakeRequired · 30/01/2021 17:16

@Namechangeforthisone83

The relationship was great and I think we hit a barrier and lost communication along the way and we split rather than communicated. We were both pretty stressed with work etc and it had a knock on effect. We both agreed we wanted to be together and after getting back together was when he/we found out she was pregnant.

I really don't know what is going to happen in the future. I know he is broken by what he has done and he is struggling to feel any form of happiness or attachment to the child and has been to the doctors as I and they believe he is depressed.

She has messaged his family, his mother his aunts brother. She definitely wants him back and is doing all she can to 'get in' on his family telling them before he even had the chance to process anything I would even go as far as to say playing the victim. It's really just a shit show.

Even writing it I know I sound stupid but I of course love my husband and expect everyone makes mistakes and this is definitely a walking talking mistake that will be there for life and I guess I'm struggling to let go of all we built.

Going by this as well op with her trying to get in with his family, asking his mum to get him to go back to her etc. There's two conclusions there. Either she's completely insane and desperate for love so much that she's clinging on to a guy she's met 3 times only. Or, more likely, your husband is lying to you about how often they met.

Either way, I'd not stick around. You've either got a liar for a husband, or a woman who is so bonkers she's likely going to be a complete pain in the ass for the next 18 years. Still think it's more likely he's lying.