Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 30/01/2021 18:00

I would walk away from him. How are your kids going to feel knowing he had a child with someone else and knowing you took him back?

Having to deal with her and access to the child will cause much stress over the next 18 years, stress to you and your dc.

PatchworkElmer · 30/01/2021 18:01

I don’t think I could.

KarmaNoMore · 30/01/2021 18:02

In the circumstances described, I would.

Landofthefree · 30/01/2021 18:03

No, I couldn’t stay with a man who was having a baby with someone else. I’d prefer to be on my own than have to deal with his child and jealous ex. Your DH can still be a good father to your children but your marriage is unlikely to survive this.

KarmaNoMore · 30/01/2021 18:03

... although I would find it very difficult to put up with the dad (not the child)

C8H10N4O2 · 30/01/2021 18:05

Imo, a 3 month break set out from marriage is to take a breather. Not to explore other people. He cheated, imo

I agree. If he was shagging around in that timeline he wasn't exactly taking time out to reflect on life, his marriage, his children and any possible future together.

katy1213 · 30/01/2021 18:06

I'd insist that he had no contact with the child and the mother, although obviously he should pay support. You don't need this mess brought into your own children's lives.

jerriblank · 30/01/2021 18:07

@Namechangeforthisone83

I have seen all the messages. She was a fling I even know for a fact when he met her on the night out it was literally a 2/3wk thing I have also seen the phone bills etc. She was thrown out by her family when she told them she was pregnant. They was not happy about the pregnancy as they/she didn't even know the guy. She was desperate to make a point to her family that they were a couple hence the begging and messaging his family.

How old is this poor girl?

Babyroobs · 30/01/2021 18:09

I'm sorry but I don't think I could accept this.

Micawbs · 30/01/2021 18:10

She’s 31. The Op has already said. She is also back with her family.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 18:10

@Namechangeforthisone83

Have you seen messages between them that 100% confirm they used a condom?

Coffeeandcocopops · 30/01/2021 18:11

You will have this child in your life for the rest of your life. The child, for many reasons, could end up living with you. Your DH priority will be the child and he will have to pay mtnce from family funds. What happens at Christmas etc, your DH time will be split and the reminder of the break will always be there. I couldn’t handle that to be honest. What do you have to gain from it?

Coffeeandcocopops · 30/01/2021 18:12

Her family kicked her out?

She is 31!!!

Odd

DBML · 30/01/2021 18:14

I couldn’t deal with it.
I wouldn’t want him to have anything to do with her at all. Can you picture him going to the birth? Birthday’s? School parents evenings?
He’d have to agree to have nothing to do with them ever (sorry, I don’t blame the child, but I also have no feelings towards them) or it would be over. I doubt I could bring myself to give that ultimatum though, so I guess for me, it would be impossible.
If you leave him, prepare that he runs to her.

This is an awful awful situation op. I really feel for you. He hasn’t just fucked things up...he’s done far more damage than that, that you’ll find out over time.

Viviennemary · 30/01/2021 18:15

No. I couldn't get past that. I could if if it was before we met but not after.

oakleaffy · 30/01/2021 18:15

Men are Insane if they have unprotected sex with women of fertile age .
My brother dated women who made no secret of ''Wanting to get pregnant'' despite not even knowing the bloke!

Condom up, and don't trust someone who says ''I am on the pill''.

''Love child''??

No, an irresponsible act of unprotected sex.

Probably the woman wanted to get pregnant.. Otherwise Morning After pill would have been an option.

So now there is yet another potentially fatherless child.

Bloody sad.

fannyFERNACKERPANN · 30/01/2021 18:17

I wouldn't let this woman destroy your marriage

You decided to work it out with your dh before you or he knew she was pregnant.

Your dh (although he made a big mistake) sounds like he's been very apologetic, regretful as sounds like he's putting you before the demands of this crazy woman.

Your Dh has to support his child but he doesn't have to bow to this woman's whims at all.

You will not have any reason to feel humiliated at all... she's an idiot and the more your and dh stand united the more her behaviour will deteriorate.

Backbee · 30/01/2021 18:17

No, but rather than let my feelings have any affect on an innocent child, I would leave DH but be open to helping facilitate and support a sibling relationship with my DC if that was in the best interest of the child.

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 18:19

Has he had a paternity test?

ImsorryWilson · 30/01/2021 18:20

Accept that you can’t process this all yet. Don’t pretend to be settled in your mind as you clearly aren’t.

The minimum level of acceptance would involve splitting up but supporting your children having a relationship with their half-sibling.

I sympathise with the mixed feelings - I know what it is for someone’s one night stand to have consequences.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 18:20

I wouldn't let this woman destroy your marriage

Burn the witch eh?

Bloody women shagging men who told them they were single when they'd been on a break with their wife for a few weeks.

Misogyny. Alive and well.

RandomMess · 30/01/2021 18:20

Does he want to build a relationship with his child or not?

If he doesn't want to but believes he should there really is no rush from the child's point of view even if he left it until DC was a couple of years old a relationship could be built gradually over time.this could be perhaps one option to give your marriage time to heal and for there to be a very very clear boundary that they aren't in a relationship Ana he won't be controlled via access?

AngelDelightUK · 30/01/2021 18:22

My late husband had an affair, and left me for the OW. While he was with her I was bombarded by abusive texts and emails from her, and when we got back together I had the whole “you stole him from me” “if you’d moved away we would have worked” rubbish from her.

It took me a long time until I no longer felt threatened by her. She was so manipulative and a really nasty piece of work. Up until when he died there was still a part of me that wondered if he would rather have been with her, and it was only afterwards that I finally felt free of her.

Had he got her pregnant, there’s no way I would’ve stayed. We didn’t have children but the thought of her continuing to call the shots would’ve been too much to handle.

user1481840227 · 30/01/2021 18:22

First question though is he sure the baby is his, getting someone pregnant within 2 go’s is a bit like winning the lottery.

No it's not.
In your early 30s you have a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month if you're sexually active....and obviously that month is really shortened to the fertile window of a few days...so you would only need to do it once in your fertile period really and the chances are pretty high!!

OP I could never ever get past this. I do think it's cheating. I could also forgive it...but I know it would cause me so much hurt for the rest of the relationship and affect my happiness so much that it just wouldn't be worth it so I would have to end the relationship.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/01/2021 18:24

So you were on a break

He slept twice with someone

Decided he wanted to be with you

You got back together

She then finds out she is preg and wants to keep child

He says used a condom. Do you believe him. Def need a dna test

Can be done while preg for about £1k. No risk to baby

Swipe left for the next trending thread