Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

[Littlesparrow0]

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

You can get out of this. You really can. Pack the kids onto the car and go see your family today

Have you got access to money?

Also, licking a blokes bum! Yuck. I can’t imagine anyone enjoying that so don’t feel bad for saying no!!!

This is a horribly abusive relationship leave op will your parents have you

Can you stay with any family members? You need to leave this man.

Is your home rented? Private or Social housing.

Do you have money.

Who is the safest person you can trust?

OP this is an appalling textbook abusive relationship. Please contact Women’s Aid for help and advice on how to exit asap.
You can also contact the police as coercive control is now a criminal offence in the UK.
Please do not feel ashamed of yourself for being the victim of an abusive bastard. There is only one person who should be ashamed in this relationship and it is not you.
You must be an incredibly tough woman to have survived all these years, and you can clearly see what a shit this man is - his gaslighting has not managed to destroy your sense of self and grip on reality. You definitely have the strength to leave him, you just need some moral support and professional legal help. Sending a hug, and my hopes that he is soon in custody where he belongs.

You must feel like his porn reenactment blow-up doll, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Well done for saying no! How awful for you to feel bullied into it like that. You need some serious support around you OP.

"I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself".

Nothing wrong at all in being a decent human being but you really do need to put yourself as well as your children front and centre now.
Being a people pleaser can also make a person a far more attractive proposition for abusers to get their teeth into. He targeted you and deliberately as well, were you very young when you met him and or in a bad place emotionally?.

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now. His sexual coercion of you, let alone the other examples of his controlling you all, is red flag central and will further escalate. He is a dangerous individual to you and in turn your children because they will be further emotionally harmed.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Can you pack up some stuff and leave with the kids for your mum and dad's today as a short term measure?. How supportive/helpful are they?. Alternatively can you go into Boots the chemist today and ask for ANI?. Their stores also have consultation booths where people can seek help for domestic violence.

I know. I know I need to leave and day by day im building myself up to do it but hes holding stuff over me. I suppose its blackmail. Hes not telling me he's gonna tell people certain personal stuff about me, but I know when push comes to shove he will do it. I also know he'll fight for the kids. So I'm completely terrified of what I'll face when I leave him. Im also terrified of being a single mum to two small kids financially and emotionally but I also know how "free" we would be. Im terrified of having my kids only half of the time as well. Honestly I wish I'd never had kids with him, for their sake & mine

Pack a bag. Get your children. Go to your parents. Tell them everything. Stay with them and look at women’s refuges. Look at women’s aid. He’s abusive and you deserve better. He will try to manipulate you to stay. He may threaten allsorts. But he can’t get at you if you are strong. Having people on your side makes you strong and that’s why he has pushed you away from others. He wants you feeling like you only have him. He will probably insult you to try to make you feel like you’re worthless and need him. You don’t. Anyone can start again and so can you.

He sounds vile. Reach out to your family and don't be embarrassed to tell them, it's not your fault. You've put up with a lot. Good luck

I would also contact the police re his coercive control of you as this is a crime. I concur fully that you definitely have the strength to leave him, you just need some moral support and professional legal help.

Pack your bags and leave, take anything essential and sentimental throw it in some black sacks and drive, if you can't drive call a friend, family member or a taxi and take the kids and leave. He doesn't love you, he is using you for sex and a housekeeper and keeping you isolated by having more children.

Yes, it sucks having to start again, but your children are very young and won't remember. You've been with him 15 years, in another 15 your don will be 18 forging his own relationships you could be in a position to own your own house/ flat having friends and family around whenever you like. Not living in fear of being pestered for sex in the middle of the night.

Yes he will try and be nice and reasonable, yes he will start threatening suicide and taking you to court to have the kids with him - 99% empty threats.

Good luck OP!

I would plan you're exit, gather as much money as you can, get a burner phone or use a phone box and contact family member and see if they can arrange to help you leave. There's help lines such as a womens aid who can give you advice and support on leaving. You can do this.

Hi op contact women’s aid. You don’t need to live like this. As he gains control over more of you and your life the goal
Posts will continually change. There a life waiting for you free from abuse.
Do you have family or a friend you could trust with this? Do you have somewto go?

Please leave him. You cannot stay.

You deserve better than this. I know someone with better advice will be along but I think you should call your parents/siblings/trusted family member tell them what is going on (they will probably suspect something is wrong) and see what support they can offer. You need emotion support do you can get your head together and come up with a plan to leave.

I think you should be honest with your family, and husbands familu when the time comes to leave. Tell them clearly that he disrespects you, doesn't help with his children, controls you and forces you into uncomfortable and painful sex you do not what. That is rape. No shame for you. He is not a good human and you deserve better. Tell them like it is. Don't give him the power. No one should force anybody else to do anything sexual, ever.

Please don't think staying will be better for the children. It will not.

On a side note, honestly, there is not a man on this earth who I would like their bum hole. I love my husband to bits and would sacrifice a lot for him, I will never lick his bum hole.

Please leave him. You and your kids deserve better.
Whatever he's blackmailing you with can't be worse than living like this. No one will be that interested in what he's holding over you, it's just a tactic to keep you scared.
There's a much better life waiting for you out there.

Ltb - get out as fast as you can OP

He can say what he likes; many people will not believe him and those that do are not worth the time of day. The police are pretty adept at dealing with manipulators like this, let them deal with him.

Do you really think that such a man would also want his children 50-50. No and that is mere supposition on your part. He would only supposedly "fight for his kids" only because he knows they are your achilles heel and thus a good way for him to get back at you. He is patently not bothered with them now so he is likely not to be bothered with them going forward either. Abusive men more often than not anyway use the kids or the threat of taking them away from the mother as a way of keeping their target i.e you here in this case in line.

You are basically a single mother to these children now. You have a choice re this man, they do not and they have to follow their lead. Remaining with him at all now is no option for you or they.

If it’s possible to go to your parents go today. Just go. All the practical stuff will sort itself out after. This is not a life @Littlesparrow0, it’s existing. You deserve so much better

Hes not telling me he's gonna tell people certain personal stuff about me, but I know when push comes to shove he will do it.

Will it really really matter? What's the worst that will happen if he does this?
Anyone decent who cares about you won't care; and will only think worse of him for spilling personal, sensitive stuff about someone against their wishes.

On the main subject he sounds extremely controlling, as you've already identified (which us most of the battle) it's big healthy or normal.

On top of that he's sexually coercive - and seems to be applying porn rubbish to a relationship. Well, real relationship, real sex lives aren't porn. If someone wants to do analingus on their partner, enjoys it and initiates it, that's one thing ... But I'd say with relative certainty hat those people are not the majority. It's a fairly niche sex act, and personally I'd not be doing it, ever.

He sounds like he views his partner as, as another poster above said, a sex doll to enact what he sees in porn and decides he wants; on top of being an object to control.

Threatening to tell people things about you or take the kids is classics abusive behaviour. He's using his power over you to control you. My ex did this, eventually I left him and, true to his word, he told all my friends and family things about me I was ashamed of. You know what? They weren't interested. All they cared about was me and could see him for the vile piece of shit he was.

And as for taking the kids from you, well they all say this but when the reality hits of having to look after them by themselves for the weekend, they soon change their minds.

Get the kids and the car and get to your Mum and Dads today. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, he's the one in the wrong here, not you. Your priority has to be protecting yourself and the kids. Then please speak to Womens Aid or a local DA charity (you should find details on your LA website) and get some advice. I know leaving probably feels impossible right now, but I promise you it isn't. You deserve so much better and so do your kids.