Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

[Littlesparrow0]

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

Well done, OP, it's hard to admit to yourself what's going on, we all know that, but you clearly are now. You have to find the right path out of this but it's 100% clear to absolutely everyone, and definitely definitely will be to WA that this is abuse of the highest degree.
What comes through is that you have a loving family who already see through him. In this respect you are well off compared with many on these boards. I think you need to pluck to courage to completely open up the family member you most trust. They will then surely help you out of it. Once you share with someone who will help you will find a tremendous weight lifted and start to feel like the person you remember. Please, please, please do it as soon as you can. Personally I would call a family member before Women's Aid if they can really help you. Good luck, you CAN do this

OP,
So glad you are having an awakening.

One point that I just have to correct you on is that contrary to what you think PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOU.

There is NO TYPE.

Abuser's come in all shapes and sizes and from all types of background.

They come from good family's and poor family's.

Interesting that his brother is an abusive prick as well.

Not so nice a family with two son's that are truly awful.

You are so blessed to have a great supportive family.

Don't waste that.

Get out.

150 posts, all of them advising the same thing. To us it's so obvious. You are just beginning to open your eyes. I'm sure now you are realising, more and more things that seem so normal to you in your relationship at the moment, will become obviously not right and dysfunctional.

The hardest step is the first one. Talk to your mum. You'll be amazed at the relief and support you will get. She's already made it clear that she doesn't think things are right, but she'll have been treading carefully up till now so as to not alienate you.

Go to your parents.
Good luck

@Littlesparrow0 the first week I left my ex I hid always from family and friends because I was embarrassed by all the drama.

Guess what they still had my back.
It took me from April 19 to January 2020 to end it.
I was luckily that I had the police involved so I could go non contact.

I knew I had to leave but I needed to be things sorted first and then lockdown happened and all the plans I had to keep me active was cancelled.

But I still didn't mess him and all the added stress ! It's hard at times but the truth is it's peaceful, if I want a lazy day I will and the kids are fine.

Also you are not a bloody robot tell him to lick his own arse!!! For that type of oral he is meant to douche his arse hole. You don't lick shitty arses!

OP you keep saying no one would believe a bad word about them.

But they will.

You already know that his brother is the same, you and his GF won’t be the only women they’ve treated like this.

People WILL believe you. Maybe his close friends and family will stick by him. But so what? They will be no loss to you.

You have your family who will be on your side and are already on your side.

Please stop telling yourself all the reasons you can’t leave or the reasons you’d be the “bad person” if you did and start telling yourself that it is your life and your children’s life which is vulnerable here. No one else’s, you have only to worry about what happens to you and them. It literally DOES NOT MATTER what his family say or think.

He is an abuser. He may hide it from the world right now but one day it will be very very clear to everyone who he is. But by then you will be long gone, living a happy life.

Keep working on seeing things for how they really are. You’re being so brave

People WILL believe you ... we did 🌺

Op this is awful. You can leave and start a better life.

Women’s aid is a good place to get advice.

OP - it’s really horrifying that both brothers are the same. Suggests they grew up watching their dad control and abuse their mum. All the more reason to get your DCs away from this environment as soon as you can. And the fact that they’re respected in the neighbourhood means bugger all. In fact, a lot of abusers make a point of creating a very respectable public face. It creates a smoke screen - they think it makes it easier to abuse their families because no-one will believe the victims. But those experienced in dealing with domestic abuse can see through the smokescreen. The people who matter will believe you. The people who don’t believe you don’t matter.

As for the brother’s GF - pls reassure her: it is extremely unlikely he would kill himself. Apart from anything, abusers are way too good at taking care of themselves. But it’s very common for them to threaten suicide. In any case, it is not her job to sacrifice her well-being to his. No adult owes another adult a relationship. If she doesn’t want to be with him, she has every right to walk away. If he threatens suicide, tell her she can call the police and have them do a welfare check. Or ring for an ambulance and hand it over to them. I bet she’ll find no actual self-harm has occurred. But even if it has, that’s on him, not on her. She is allowed to leave this relationship and screw what other people think. It’s her life. Sometimes doing the right thing for you means hurting other people. That’s how it goes. Your H and his brother are broken men. Women are put on this earth to live their own best lives - not to serve men. Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

I really, really wish this stuff was taught in schools. A decent person does not threaten suicide to stop someone leaving. It is part of the abuser MO.

You and she might find it helpful to educate yourselves on how abusers work and to support each other to escape. Check out Why Does He Do That? and The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser - How He Gets into Her Head. Abusers deliberately pick kind, selfless women who will put the abuser first. It’s very calculated and very deliberate.

Remember - you are being abused - so are your children. You all have the right to live without abuse. And your children need to be outside to avoid repeating the patterns when they grow up.

The fact that both brothers are like this means it's learnt behaviour. Don't let your kids learn that lesson.

Are you ok OP?

Any bloke who lies in till 12.45pm won't want 2 toddlers for 50% of the time.

This thread has made me feel really emotional. I was where you are in November, I posted on here so embarrassed that I'd got to a place where I needed help from total strangers about my abusive relationship. I'm typing this now from my own rented place and I am so free. Please please don't be scared about what he might tell people - the people that matter won't listen. Everyone he's alienated you from - they will be there for you I would put money on it...I received help from people I hadn't spoken to in years. Put your children first, they will grow up thinking it's normal. Do you want them mimicking this when they're older? I remember a professional telling me that my DD could very possibly enter into an abusive relationship if I had shown her it was the norm, and that my DS could grow to be the abuser; thinking that's the way to treat women. That was my lightbulb moment. My inbox is always open xx sending you so much love, hope and strength!

Ps - I have to add - people WILL believe you. I didn't think people would believe me but it's crazy how many people have said they noticed things and saw things. Things fall into place in people's heads, I've had people apologising to me because they saw little things but didn't put the pieces together. That includes his family. The people that matter to you and your children will believe you x x

@Littlesparrow0

I cant add any more to the excellent advice you’ve been given here. All I can say is Well Done on recognising not only your abuse, but your BILs girlfriend too.

It’s a series of lightbulb moments, isn’t it? Your family obviously know, and will welcome you with open arms. Do tell the police at least what you’re doing in case he turns up on their doorstep.

I left my abusive H back in June. I can’t tell you the UTTER relief I felt when I’d left.

It’ll speak volumes to others the fact that you upped and left. Let your actions speak louder than your words.

You've come so far already in recognising that you are being abused and that this is a toxic environment for your kids

Next step is to get out of there. What's the financial setup? would your mum take you and the kids in?

You need to change the narrative in your head. So that voice that tells you people won't believe you or you're over reacting, give it a name. So let's for the sake of it call it 'Mandy'. Everytime a negative thought pops in your head recognise that it's Mandy speaking. Mandy is the one who wants to stay in a situation where her husband sexually humiliates her and makes her feel worthless. Mandy is scared of change and just wants to keep him happy so she doesn't have to be afraid or unhappy. 'Sparrow' on the other hand is a strong woman, a woman who sees abuse for what it is and knows it isn't right. Sparrow is trying to help another woman who is being abused and is a kind person who wants to make positive changes.

The more you recognise Mandy, the stronger Sparrow will become.

Your Mum and your family and be friends will be ecstatic once you open up. They know. They have seen and sensed but don’t want to tread on toes. You don’t have to say much - you don’t have to tell them loads of details - they know.

Talk to your family. Plan to leave ASAP.

Speak to the police and WA because you need to be safe.

Your children need a calm and peaceful home and an emotionally available and attuned mother - not one preoccupied and walking on eggshells. You can’t be in two emotional places at once.

Op it's time to start changing your mindset.

From now on do not worry what others think.

You are living your life and have questioned whether or not it is abusive.

It is abusive, we could confirm that to you a million times a day but until you truly believe that youself, your confidence will waver. He has conditioned you into believing you are not abused.

It is time to trust your judgement, and that of your mother and sister.
His family are of no consequence, move forward and do not worry about anyones elses opinion of your marriage.

It is entirely in keeping that your husband is well thought of outside the home and also that his family are .... Saints I bet.

They have been manipulating you, your needs are important and it's time to stop fitting in with their plans.
In my eyes they are just as abusive as him, its a package.

Read up on covert narcissists.

You are lucky to still have your mom and sister, having your back, go back to them, they love you, unconditionally by the sounds of it.
His family does not and your husband knows this, please if you could only see how how his family are only reinforcing his right to abuse you.

Your husband is a vile, self entitled bully, thats it, nothing special about him or his arrogant family.
You are better than all of them and desrve someone who will treat you with respect and kindness.

Leave. How more can he degrade you. How can he want you to lick his arse with the same mouth you kiss your children with. Sounds the sort that would get you to do it and then name call/degrade you. You should have told him to lick his own arse and walked off in anger.

@havecourage8bekind
Well done for being so brave.👏

OP,
I can tell you one thing that I am 100% sure of, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE will ever believe that a woman who packs up and flees her home, with young children, do so other than they were being hugely abused.

Absolutely NO way.

In fact for it to get to place where women up and leave like that, the women will have had ongoing abuse and be absolutely desperate.

People may not notice things or have thought he was fine, but believe when you hear that the mother of his children ups and leaves the family home, with her children in tow, people just KNOW he must be a really nasty piece of work.

Please believe me.
People will believe you.

People will believe you. He is abusive, the way he treats you is disgusting and not normal. It’s not you that has the problem it’s him. Your DCs will have a much better life when you are away from him and are happy. Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. He just wants control of you, he sounds awful.

People will believe you. I bet he's not well liked, people are hardly going to tell you they don't like him are they?!

He's horrible. Get away from him. Please don't wait for "after lockdown". How many times is he going to sexually abuse you before then? Emotionally abuse you and the kids? Keep you away from your family.

It could be months away. We know it's at least 6 weeks yet before any slight changes.

Just get your things together the first day he is at work and the kids and move in with your mum.

You don't need to tell him first or have some big showdown. Just go.

And when he messages to ask where you are and what's going on text him back using a pps words here.

"I've left you. I won't be with a man who shouts at me for refusing to lick his arsehole with the mouth I kiss my children with. That was just the icing on the cake".

You can get out, I didn't think I could 10 + years ago, same fears as you. I did and it was the best thing ever, the fears were just fears. I would say I put my life on pause for about 3 years after leaving then I rebuilt it. I have a great life now. You have family ( I didn't), use them. No one will judge you, they will be impressed with you. If you can't get out yet, please ensure you have bullet proof contraception.

And remember , this is not just about the abuse and ill treatment you are receiving now it is about future abuse, many women on here can tell you that things do not get better and going on what you have said the starting point is pretty grim, you have suffered enough.

I could tell you how I think this will play out....

If you leave and go back to your mothers, secretly, his first response maybe anger. He may even turn up and try to wragg you physically away from your family.
This is a man who believes he owns you and unlike his brother I doubt he will play the suicide card as he has done.
No, his abuse has progressed to entitlement, he will not want others and his family to see him beg for you to return.
He will contact you about something fairly innocuous and then ignor you, stonewall and ghost you.
He will ignor the children, knowing this will upset you and generally make you feel as though you meant absolutely nothing to him, he may start going out and actively showing you he is having a good time.
You will be confused, lonely and then begin to miss him and wait for him to show you some affection, or show others that you are missed.
All controlled.
You may at this point cave in and go back to him, you are co dependant.

If you stand firm, he will proceed to mount a smear campaign. You will be critised to his family, friends, work colleages, customers whoever he believes, will believe his narrative.

He will use his own family (flying monkeys) to work on his behalf, they may contact your own mother and sister to allienate them from you, he will state you are crazy.
His family will also indoctrinate your own children against you.

The list goes on until he gets you back in your box and when you do go back you will be punished endlessly, he dislikes you but he finds you useful.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I really don't think this man has any capability of loving someone else.

I hope you can be free of him, physically and mentally.
And don't give up.
Remember you faced this world as an open loving person, that is far harder than living your life treading on others to make yourself feel stronger and better than others.