Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

[Littlesparrow0]

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

Please leave, this is just vile. I'm upset for you that you live like this when you don't have to.

Please GO
My first LTB too
X

You are staying in an abusive relationship to stop the possibility that people will find out you were abused when you were younger? Oh OP what a trap he has you in. The good news is it’s not a real one. As PP have said, people won’t believe him and if they do, they’ll feel sorry for you and wonder about your partner’s motives. You aren’t responsible for protecting the person who abused you when you were younger.

Maybe when you were a child you were praised for being thoughtful, caring and helpful. So you’ve become a caregiver, first and foremost. But there are healthy and unhealthy types of caring. If by caring you sacrifice yourself again and again, it’s self destructive. If you are letting yourself be abused and your children witness that abuse because you are protecting someone who also abused you 15 years ago then that is self destructive.

This article explains it well:

tinybuddha.com/blog/addicted-helping-why-we-need-stop-trying-fix-people/

Your first priority has to be your children. You can change, even though it feels frightening. You start by helping yourself, first and foremost, not other people. Wishing you all the best.

@Coyoacan

the blackmail isn't the usual blackmail, its actually about someone who touched me when I was 17 and I dont want it coming out

You do realise you just have to say that he made that up maliciously, don't you? Why would anyone that mattered believe him?

Agreed 100%

and OP ... for the love of god... Im sure this 'person' would not wish you to stay a lifetime... in an abusive relationship ... to keep this 'one second' event becoming the topic of conversation for a few days... which you could DENY anyway...

you are being blackmailed into sexual coercive control by this cretin....

this is wrong on so many levels... please call Womens Aid 🌺

It’s coercive control and bullying, the longer you stay the more he will think he can get away with it and the more he will do it. I would tell him to lick my a** as I walk out the door!

What an awful awful human he is. Get yourself and your kids away from him now. Don't wait for the next thing, do it now.

You had me at stopping you seeing your parents. I didn't need to read the rest to know what was coming, or to justify your need to leave.

You obviously want to leave. You will find that your friends and family hugely supportive.

Can you just take the kids and go? Pack some bags when he's not around, store them somewhere, leave as soon as it is safe.

I would welcome any friend who came to me for help, no matter how long since we had spoken, and it goes without saying any family member. Instantly. They love you, they care for you, your children love you and need your protection from this man. The only person who doesn't love you is that worthless example of a man.

Please do leave him.

I have a friend that I worry about. Her husband is a dick when we're around, what's he like in private. When I read these I wonder if it's her posting. I would encourage her, and you, to leave and find happiness

Your post made me incredibly sad and frightened for you OP. He sounds horrendous.

Do what you need to for yourself and your children. Deny all knowledge of the event he is threatening to spill the beans on. Tell the person involved if you must. It sound like you have a cordial relationship with them now, so perhaps you would feel comfortable telling them.

You do not have to live like this.

Op.
When I was 3 months pregnant with my 1st we were at a family new year eve party. Midnight struck and we all have each other a kiss and a hug . My brother in law stuck his tongue down my throat. I was shocked and didn't say anything to my dh until we got home. We decided because he was totally drunk he probably didn't even know he was doing it so we let it go.
I obviously don't know what happened ( and it's irrelevant ) but it wasn't something you ( and probably them ) had any control over, other than not being able to hold their drink.

You just deny whatever he comes out with, say you've no idea what he's talking about but that this is the perfect example of how he'll do and say anything to hurt and control you. Then you leave it at that. Say you've nothing more to add.

Please just leave him

Oh OP, what a difficult situation to be in. He's really done the work on you, no wonder you feel stuck.

You need to get away. He's sexually and emotionally abusing you. You don't deserve that. You deserve to be supported, cherished, treated like an equal.

He's disgusting, he should (but clearly doesn't) feel ashamed of himself. He's a horrible human.

I would try to reconnect with family. Let them know your relationship is controlling and you're exploring ways to leave. See if they can offer you accomodation or money to get out.

Call women's aid.

Try to keep normal with your husband until you've got the means to leave.

Lots of love. Try to be brave and move forwards mentally. You have so much to offer yourself and your kids, you just need to get rid of him first.

Your problems are so much bigger than a bum hole. My jaw is on the floor.

Leave him. Pack your bag, or his bag and change the locks, and just leave him. Wow. This relationship is the definition of toxic. Please done raise your kids in this environment. It will scar them for life

No more justifying his behaviour.
No more explaining his abuse.
No more defending youself.
He is abusive.
You are right.
It is not your fault.

It is time.
You have been a prisoner for too long.
It is time.

Have my first LTB.

You have been given some great advice on here OP, please take it on board and get out for your sake, and your DC.

To avoid a big confrontation I’d pack my things discreetly in bin bags hidden in wardrobes if necessary. If you can’t take the documents you need, like birth certificates, tenancy agreement- I would photograph them on my phone. I’d also write down phone numbers on paper in case he destroyed my phone. I’d have a day and time planned that I’d leave. This is probably early morning say like 6am when he’s asleep. I’d take bedding and I’d ask my parents for their help. I’d warn them that he’s likely to say bad things and I’d warn them he lies.
To keep him away I would defo seek legal support from either the police or DV support agencies. I’d let child tax credits know I’m now a single mum ASAP.

I would keep a diary of how I feel because looking back and seeing how well I’m doing would make me strong. Your parents will want to do what they can to keep their daughter and grandchildren safe. There are people out there that you think he’s pushed you away from, that will welcome you back with open arms. Please reach out. If you can reach out to strangers on here you can reach out to those who love you, who know you’re heart and soul and who are longing to have you back in their lives.

Research your options. You might not feel ready to go now but there will be something or some time when you are and having things in place will help. When you're in these situations having the awareness that there's an alternative away from him offers hope. There's a part of you ready and willing to find better. At some point the rest of you will be onboard too and they'll be no going back only forward.

OP -
No wonder you are scared. He is blackmailing you about your 'past' (it is years ago, no one will care now, you can brush it off), threatening to take your kids (he won't!), and either ignoring or sexually abusing you.
Please find a way to leave as soon as you can.
The older your kids get the harder it is.
And they will think this is 'normal'.
Do it for them, even if you struggle to believe you 'deserve' a better life (I was in a bad situation and I could see it 'sometimes' but not others)
Sending you love and strength xxx

Yes, just explain his "revelations" as another example of how he will lie and abuse you to get his own way and get revenge for leaving him.

If it makes you feel better you could just totally deny this thing even happened if he does decide to go public with it. Just say he’s saying anything he can to hurt you. You could also go to that person and say it may come out but you will say he’s made it all up so he can say the same. I’m only saying this as he should not have this control over you and you can see it as taking it away?
He’s awful. Believe me, if you leave he may have the kids for a little while but looking after them all day is hard work he is unlikely to actually want to do for long. If you go to the police maybe he will have to have supervised visits too? Everyone who is saying ring women’s aid is right, they will be able to give you good advice about this all.
Please take care.

If what you did at 17 is so horrible (I am sure it’s not, most people had probably done it as a teen), why he is staying with you?
Run from that worm

OP are you ok 🌺

A thread title I wish I’d never seen.

Usual porn crap.

I fucking fear for this generation. The defilement and debasement presented as normal and “cool girl” sexuality is relentless.

You can have my first LTB, too.

And ive been here for 16 years.

Leave this abusive bastard. Fight for your freedom now or you will regret it forever. I wish you all the very best x

@BlueThistles

OP are you ok 🌺

Hi everyone sorry for the delay coming back on. Horrific day so ive just kept myself busy. Got the little ones to bed at 8 and its still been total silence. So I took into housework to keep my mind focused on something. Asked him since why he's ignoring me, just got a blunt "im not!" yet there is literally no conversation taking place.

I'm so surprised by the amount of replies I've had, I honestly don't know how to get through them all. Firstly thankyou for the support and reassuring me that I wasn't in the wrong for feeling disgusted and for saying no. The response and manner which he spoke to me in afterwords made me feel like there was something wrong with me or im not exciting enough. And the fact hes telling me im not putting out enough and how anyone else would go elsewhere has made me question myself. But I cant help it, I've zero sex drive and I genuinely think its because of all the shit I'm dealing with. Im just so unhappy. I wish it was different for the sake of my kids. I feel like I'm the one tearing my family apart but I know im so depressed because of the hold he has on me and the lack of freedom I have. I never imagined him pulling me away from my family especially when we had kids. Honestly if I had envisioned this I would never have had kids with him.

My family are incredibly supportive. They really dislike him anyway and he knows that since pulling me away when I was pregnant with our second child. They have a fair idea whats going on and I havent denied it really nor admitted it though. My mum is very worried that I'm not out and about enough with the kids, I've blamed covid in the meantime but now I feel like someone has switched a light bulb on for me. Im starting to see things a bit clearer. Once lockdown eases I dont care what he says im taking my kids out to make little adventures with them. As a mum we all live with mum guilt but I feel I especially do as my kids aren't having a normal upbringing whatsoever. They don't get out as much as they should, I'm unable to even take them to my mums for a cuppa and bite to eat,. Its not fair on them and im hating myself.

Hes due to go back to work next week so I plan on giving womens aid a call and speak to someone about what I've experienced throughout the years and especially since having the kids. Im just needing someone to verify to me this really is abuse. I know something isn't right and a lot of times I wonder if its me, am I over sensitive etc. I think hearing it from someone from womens aid would just ring it through to me better. If that makes sense??

As for denying his accusations or blackmail. Hes pretty much well liked where we live. I honestly don't think anyone would believe for a second there was emotinal/controlling behaviour going on. I dont actually think I'd want to tell anyone unless it was totally necessary. I dont want to create any issues for my kids having a relationship with his family etc. Id like it to be as amicable as possible for my children's sake. I know if it gets messy they would never believe their son was controlling me. And he'd have so much to say that would paint me as the "bad person" or a bad mother and his family would completely run with that. Ive created a lovely friendship with his brothers girlfriend who is only in her 20s and she broke down recently and told me what she's going through with him. All emotional and control going on as well. Basically doing everything my partner does to me. I cried and told her what I was living with too and pleaded with her to leave before they move in together/have kids together (which hes pressuring her into). Shes just living what I went through around the same age and im trying to show her shes gonna end up just like me. Shes tried to leave a handful of times but his brother plays the suicide card unlike the blackmail one I have. And she stays for that reason because she's afraid if she leaves and he does do something she'll be the one blamed. And like me knows the family is well respected and no one would ever believe her story.

I'm going to speak to womens aid and encourage her to do the same. As she's just leading down the road ive already travelled.

I think all the comments that said this was their first ever LTB made me realise im not living a life, I'm just merely existing. I cant let my children think that's normal. I want so much more for them. Im so scared about doing this all alone and wondering if ill cope. I havent coped very well since the birth of our second child. on the night she was born he ended up having a nonsense row with me and walked out leaving me in absolute tears. I was so tempted the next day when I was getting discharged to tell my midwife what was going on when she asked the question about abusive relationships etc from her questionnaire. I didnt want to go home. But I chickened out. A few times I've come so close to going and then just chicken out again. I know in order to give my kids a "normal" life i have to leave their father